Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Taz
I was in Grace’s office building. No, I wasn’t stalking her. I’d made an appointment with the therapist she recommended, because I needed to know how to deal with my daughter and get myself out of the mess I’d made.
Jasper’s receptionist, a pretty young blonde, smiled when I entered his office. “Mr. Azevedo?”
I nodded, trying to shake the discomfort that came with hearing my surname aloud for the first time in years.
“Jasper is just finishing up with a patient. He’ll be right with you. Can I get you anything to drink in the meantime? Coffee or water?”
“No, I’m fine, thanks.” I settled into one of half a dozen armchairs positioned around the small waiting area. I glanced at my phone before silencing it and slipping it into my pocket.
“Refresh my memory,” the receptionist said. “Did I email you those intake forms to fill out?”
“Yeah, you did.”
“Ah, right. Here they are. Perfect.”
I hoped she wasn’t the chatty type. I felt like crawling out of my skin right about now. The last place I ever expected to be was in a therapist’s office, getting ready to spill my guts. But I couldn’t go on pretending I was fine when every day felt worse than the last.
I glanced up when I heard male voices. I recognized Jasper from the photo on his website. He looked confident, secure, in control. Probably because he, unlike me, hadn’t spent a lifetime making messes it took years to clean up.
Jasper waited until his patient left before crossing the room and offering me his hand. “Tane?”
“I actually prefer Taz,” I said, shaking his hand.
“Taz,” he repeated, shooting a glance over his shoulder at his receptionist, who was typing on her computer, before he said, “The singer?”
I nodded. It wasn’t the first time I’d been recognized. Walking the streets in the birthplace of country music without getting noticed, was getting harder every day. Not that I was complaining. I’d signed on for this, and was ready for all the crazy that came with fame.
“Okay, well let’s step into my office,” he said, leading the way. Closing the door, he rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, Taz, this is a bit awkward. But Grace is a good friend of mine, and I know you two broke up.”
Grace had been the one to suggest I see this guy, but that was before I broke up with her.
Then she’d been suggesting I see him with my daughter, to try and heal some of her scars.
Now that I was getting to know Quinn, I had no doubt she’d laugh in my face if I even suggested we get professional help to build a better relationship.
“I hope that won’t be a problem?”
“No, it’s not a conflict of interest or anything. I just didn’t realize I’d be meeting with you today, so it kind of caught me off guard.”
“Grace is part of the reason I’m here,” I admitted, taking a seat in one of the two armchairs he gestured to. “I’m, uh, having a hard time with the break-up.”
He sat down across from me and opened a leather-bound notepad. “Okay, why don’t we start there.”
I swallowed, knowing I would have to dig deep to find words that would do it justice. But since words were my bread and butter, I trusted the right ones would come to me.
“I didn’t expect her.” Remembering the night we met was gut-wrenching, but I forced myself to relive it. “I mean, I never expected to meet anyone like her, and if I did, I sure as hell didn’t expect her to be interested in me.”
He crossed his legs, shifting his body towards me. “Why is that?”
“I guess the world is made up of two kinds of people, right? She’s one and I’m the other.”
“Hmm, so you don’t believe opposites attract?”
“I don’t know. Does it really matter?” I just wanted to get to the crux of what was bothering me, so maybe he could guide me towards some answers.
His smile was slight when he said, “We can circle back to that. Why don’t you tell me about your relationship with Grace and why you ended it.”
“I’ve never met anyone like her. She made me want to be a better man… for her.” I didn’t know if I was making any sense, but the way I felt about her didn’t make sense. It defied what I’d always considered love. “I wanted to be the man she saw in me, if that makes sense.”
He nodded. “And what do you think she saw in you?”
“Someone who hadn’t been through the shit I had.” I cleared my throat, realizing I should check the profanity. “Just a guy who was trying to fix his mistakes and make a better life for himself… and his daughter.”
“And you’re not that guy, the one Grace saw in you?”
I tried to be objective, to see my life as it had been since I was released from prison. “I guess, but she’s everything I never thought I deserved.”
“Is that why you broke up with her? Because you didn’t think you deserved her?”
That had probably been lurking in my subconscious, since I’d grappled with it so many times. “Maybe that was part of it, but the main reason was my daughter. I was in prison when she was born, and her mama didn’t want us to have a relationship, which I get.”
“You feel, because you were incarcerated, you didn’t deserve to know your daughter?”
“I didn’t.”
Jasper’s expression was neutral when he asked, “But you have a relationship with her now?”
“We’re working on it.” Most days it felt like we were taking more steps back than forward, but I was still committed to trying.
“But she didn’t want there to be anyone else in the picture.
She’d grown up with a lot of men in and out of her life, her mama’s boyfriends, and she’s tired of dealing with that.
If we were going to build a relationship, she wanted it to be just the two of us, no one else to compete for my attention, I guess. ”
“And how old is she?”
“Sixteen.”
He smiled. “Not an easy age, regardless of the family history.”
“That’s for sure.” I cringed when I thought about what I’d put my poor parents through at that age. It was a miracle they were still talking to me at all.
“So, your daughter gave you an ultimatum. And you chose your relationship with her over Grace, is that correct?”
I hated hearing it put like that because it didn’t feel like I had a choice.
“I’ve always wanted a chance to be a father to her.
I hated myself because I couldn’t be. So, for the past four years, since I got out of prison, I’ve been laying the foundation for this.
Getting a steady job, buying and fixing up a little house, and trying to catch up on all the child support I’d missed when I was locked up. ”
“And you didn’t have any romantic relationships during this time?”
I was a little embarrassed that I couldn’t even call them casual. “Just one-night stands with women who understood it could never be more.”
“Until Grace?”
“I never intended to fall for Grace. I thought it would be the same as it had been with all the others. And we both went into it with the same expectations, I think. But after one night together, we knew it was something more. Something worth pursuing.”
“And where did that pursuit lead you?”
“I fell in love with her. Even asked her to move in with me, in record time.”
“How did she respond to that?”
“She said it was too soon.” I rubbed my palm with my opposing thumb, glancing at my lifeline, wondering how long I would have to finally figure things out.
“How did that make you feel?”
“Frustrated. Angry, I guess. But I understood. She wasn’t wrong. Logically, it probably was too soon. But it felt right.”
“So, if you two had been living together when your daughter asked you to break up with Grace, would you have just asked her to move out?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about that.”
It would have been gut-wrenching to watch her pack up her stuff and leave.
It was bad enough now, given the time she spent in my house.
I felt her in my bed, my shower, saw her cooking breakfast in the kitchen, felt her absence on the sofa when I was trying to watch TV at night. It’s like I was living with her ghost.
“Now that I have a bit of the backstory, why don’t you tell me why you’re here, Taz?”
“I guess I need clarity. I need to know if I did the right thing breaking up with Grace so I could be a father to Quinn.”
“Because you think the two are mutually exclusive?”
“I don’t, but Quinn does.”
“And she’s the one who gets to decide?”
“Whether she has a relationship with me? Yeah.”
He nodded. “Have you tried explaining to Quinn how you feel about Grace?”
“No, but I don’t think it would matter. She’s not the most sensitive kid, which I get, given what she’s been through. She’s had to develop a tough shell to protect herself.”
“And you think that’s your fault?”
“Of course, it is. Who else would be at fault? I’m the one who messed her up.”
“Because you couldn’t be in her life?”
For a couple hundred bucks an hour, was this dude even listening to me? “Right.”
“But her mother was in her life, and Quinn indicated she’d had numerous relationships she found troubling. Do you think that could have contributed to her being ‘messed up’, as you put it?”
“I guess.”
“Taz, as a family therapist, I find parents are quick to take the blame for all of their children’s problems, because they believe they’re inadequate, somehow, as parents. Do you think you may be doing that?”
I considered his question before I said, “Quinn has every right to blame me for…”
“Everything?” he challenged. “Does she have the right to blame you for everything that’s wrong in her life? And are you willing to shoulder that kind of responsibility? Because if you are, it could be all-consuming.”
“I don’t know what else to do,” I said, spreading my hands. “I’m trying to man up, to be a good dad, and be there for her when she needs me. I know she has years of pent-up anger at me, that she needs to get out. And I’ve got a thick skin. I can take it.”
“But Grace has become the collateral damage. And it seems you can’t live with that?”
“I can’t.” I leaned forward letting my hands rest between my knees, as I struggled to draw a deep breath. “That part is killing me.”