Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Grace
I was so excited. Taz was finally coming home tonight, and I was using the spare key he’d given me before he left to surprise him with his favorite dinner. Homemade lasagna with fresh bread, tossed salad, and chocolate mousse for dessert.
But the cherry on top I hoped would be my outfit. Simple, but sexy. A black pencil skirt, fitted black tank, a lacy red thong and matching bra with a bow.
He’d been distant on the phone the past couple of weeks, but after I learned my Budinski sister called him out for not using condoms, I wasn’t surprised. I’d tried to talk to him about it, but he insisted it was a conversation he wanted to have face-to-face, so I relented.
I flattened my palm against my stomach, trying to settle the butterflies when I heard his key in the lock. I stood far enough away from the door, so I wouldn’t catch him off guard, and elicit an unwanted reaction.
He looked worn out as he dropped his bags just inside the door and heaved a sigh before hurling his keys against the wall and growling a string of vulgar profanities.
“Taz,” I whispered, stunned. “What’s wrong?”
“Grace! What the hell are you doing here? Who let you in?”
I felt tears of embarrassment sting my eyes, but I refused to give into them. “I’m sorry.” I held up the single key on a ring I’d left on the kitchen island. “I used this to let myself in. I just wanted to make you a nice dinner, to welcome you home.”
His eyes travelled over me slowly before he sank against the wall and tipped his head back. “You shouldn’t have done that.”
“I didn’t mean to bother you.” Shame washed over me as I snatched my purse off the stool. “I’m sorry, I’ll go. If you get hungry later, the lasagna is still warm in the oven.”
“Damn it, I’m the one who should be sorry.” He grabbed my wrist when I tried to pass him. “I can’t let you leave like this.”
The look in his eyes scared me. Defeat. Resignation. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but it didn’t bode well for us. “You must be tired. I should have thought of that. Why don’t you just get a good night’s sleep and we can talk tomorrow.”
“No.” He released his hold on me. “If I don’t say it now, I’ll lose my nerve.”
I’d never known Taz to be afraid of anything: except maybe the powerlessness of falling in love.
“Okay, I’m listening.” I told myself to remain calm, be objective. Slip into therapist mode. Whatever he had to say, I told myself I could handle it.
“Have you been following me on social media?”
“Some.” I noticed he’d replaced the profile picture of us, but I didn’t take it personally. I assumed his record label insisted on something more professional, for the sake of branding.
“Then you know I deleted that picture of us?”
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat, forcing myself to look him in the eye and stay strong, even though I was quivering inside. “It’s no big deal.”
He closed his eyes. “I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t. I need you too damn much.”
“Taz, what the hell are you talking about? What’s going on?”
“I need to feel you.” He pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it aside before closing in on me. “I’m so in love with you.”
For the first time since he walked in, I finally felt like I could breathe.
“I love you too. But when you came in—” He silenced me with an intense kiss that was spiked with desperation.
My mind was still warring with my body, wanting to know more, but I couldn’t form words when he was tearing my clothes off.
His eyes found mine before he picked me up and carried me over to the sofa.
I heard so much in the silence. The words he was afraid to speak. I wanted to press him, but something told me if I did, it would mean the end of us. And I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t think I ever would be.
He took a condom out of his wallet before removing his jeans and tossing them aside.
I wanted to ask why he’d had a change of heart, what my sister said that made him suddenly want to revert to the days when there were restrictions on our intimacy.
Taz was rough as he kissed and licked his way up my body, almost like he was trying to detach his heart and mind from the physical act. He didn’t want to make love to me tonight. He wanted to have sex. And I couldn’t go back to that.
I pressed my palm into his chest. “We’re not doing this.”
“What?”
“We’re not using sex to escape anymore.”
His gaze travelled over my naked body before he cursed and stood, grabbing a throw off the back of a nearby chair and tossing it over me. “You’re right, get dressed.”
“You don’t want me anymore, is that it?” It would hurt to hear, but nothing could hurt as much as living in limbo, wondering where we stood.
“I want you more than my next breath… but I can’t have you.
” He pulled his jeans on and sank into an armchair, lowering his head into his hands.
“I’m been making myself crazy over this, trying to find another way.
But there is no other way.” His eyes were tortured when he said, “I have to let you go, Grace.”
I pinched my trembling lips together, determined not to cry. Not to beg or plead or try to reason. No matter what, I would walk out of this house with my dignity. “Care to tell me why, or are you going to let me guess?”
He shook his head. “I can’t, but it wouldn’t matter anyway. It wouldn’t change anything.”
“You’re a goddamn coward, Taz!” I’d never been more disgusted or enraged as I jumped up with the throw wrapped around me to collect my clothes.
“I should have known you’d bail on me. There’s a reason you’ve never had a real relationship.
You’re not capable of it! You’re a sick, selfish, heartless, cruel bastard!
” So much for maintaining my dignity and composure.
“You’re right.” He closed his eyes while I got dressed. “I’m so sorry, Grace. I know you hate me. And you have every right to—”
“Don’t! Just don’t.” I threw my hand up, like that would stop him. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. Whatever the reason, you’re too much of a coward to even tell me. And you know what? It doesn’t matter anyway. Bottom line? You don’t want me. So, I’ll find someone who does.”
Taz
It had been two long weeks since I’d broken up with Grace and I was a mess. I couldn’t eat or sleep. Every time I fell into bed, I had flashbacks of making love to her and it spelled another restless night.
The only place I could focus was the studio. Thankfully, because today the boss man was there to sit in on my recording session.
Austin had to run out on an errand and Luc and I were taking a break to eat the chicken quesadillas we’d ordered in when he said, “You want to talk about it, man?”
I didn’t even feign ignorance when I pushed my food aside, knowing it wouldn’t mix well with the story of my messed-up life.
I’d become friends with both Luc and Austin, after long days and nights fleshing out this album, and I trusted Luc to give it to me straight.
Because I was seriously afraid I was losing my mind.
“I’ve made a mess of everything,” I said, draining my water bottle. “And I don’t know what the hell to do about it.”
“We all make a mess of things sometimes,” he said, tossing his rolled-up paper napkin in the waste basket. “It can’t be that bad.”
“It’s worse.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. “I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me, like she meant nothing. And I don’t know how to cope with that.”
His expression was somber when he said, “We’re talking about Codie’s sister, Grace?”
I nodded, feeling the slice of pain her name evoked every damn time I heard it. “Yeah, I broke up with her because… I had to. But now I know it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and that’s saying a lot, given my past.”
He smiled. “Maybe you’ve made more mistakes than most, but those mistakes built character, my friend.
And I haven’t met too many people in this business with your character.
Or your stories to tell. That’s what makes you such a great songwriter.
You’re not relying on a good imagination.
You’ve lived this shit and you’re not afraid to sing about it. ”
I’d written three songs since I broke up with Grace, and Austin and Luc were both stunned when they heard them, claiming they’d cement my career and fan following. I just wanted Grace to hear them, so she’d know living without her was slowly killing me.
“I don’t know how else to process it,” I said, honestly. “Writing about it, singing, those are the only outlets I’ve got, outside of the heavy bag at the gym.” Which I’d been beating on constantly the past two weeks.
“You said you broke up with her?” he asked, setting his cell phone down on the table between us.
“Yeah.”
“Why would you do that if you’re so crazy about her?”
I wasn’t sure it would make sense to anyone who hadn’t walked in my shoes, but I had to try and explain. “I’ve been able to connect with my daughter—”
“Hey, that’s great.” His smile slipped when I scowled. “Isn’t it?”
“I don’t even know.” My phone pinged with an incoming text, but I just glared at it.
If it wasn’t Grace, I wasn’t responding.
“I finally met her, after a couple of phone calls. She’s been over to my place for pizza, we went out for burgers…
” I shrugged. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but she’s like me when I was that age. And frankly, I was an asshole.”
Luc laughed. “Weren’t we all?”
“No man, I was the worst. No wonder my folks booted my ass out.”
“So, you and your daughter haven’t exactly hit it off?”
“Pretty sure she hates me, and she has good reason to. I really am trying, but no matter what I do, it’s never enough for her.”
“What do you mean?”
“I used the advance you gave me to pay the back child support I owed, and buy her a car. I’ve set up a college fund for her, and now she’s hitting me up for a new back-to-school wardrobe and a credit card for emergencies.”
Luc rolled his eyes. “I hate to say this, but it sounds like she’s a master at playing the guilt card.”
“Look, I don’t give a shit about the money. If the stuff makes her happy—”
“But it doesn’t, does it?”
“What?”
“The stuff doesn’t make her happy. It’s never enough and she always wants more, am I right?”
I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt like her personal ATM machine instead of her dad. “I know I have a lot to make up for with her—”
“But you can’t do it with things. Take it from me, man. I have a daughter too… and I wasn’t in her life when she was growing up.”
“Really? I just assumed Nikki grew up with you. Y’all seem so tight now.”
“We are, but it wasn’t easy. She hated me at first too, and I accepted that.
But I didn’t give up. I wanted a real relationship with her, so I just focused on being the best dad I knew how to be.
That meant being someone she could count on, but not being a pushover, because I knew that wouldn’t earn her respect or help us develop a solid relationship. ”
I heard him loud and clear. “And you think I’m being a pushover, giving Quinn whatever she wants?”
He shrugged. “That’s not for me to say, Taz. You’re the only one who can answer that. But how does Grace play into this?”
I was almost ashamed to admit it now, but I knew I had to tell the whole truth, even if it made me look like an idiot. “Quinn told me her mama had men in and out of her life and she was sick of it. Said if I wanted to build a relationship with her there couldn’t be anyone else in the picture.”
Luc winced. “So, you broke up with Grace?”
“What choice did I have?”
“I don’t know, buddy. That’s a tough call.
But I do know one thing, I couldn’t live without Marisa.
That girl’s my whole world. So, as much as I love my daughter, if she’d given me an ultimatum like that, I would have told her me and Marisa are a package deal and she’d have to learn to live with it. ”
Luc made it sound so easy. But I felt like my back was against the wall and I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t abandon my daughter again. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
“I don’t know what the hell to do.” I clenched my jaw. “Grace is dating again, if you can believe that.”
My sister sent me a pic Grace had posted online. She was at some party, cozying up to some asshole who looked like a GQ model. I’d wanted to find out who he was and beat him senseless, but I knew this wasn’t his fault. It was mine. If I hadn’t let Grace go, he couldn’t have moved in on her.
“Why wouldn’t she be? She’s young, beautiful, smart, and single. She should be dating.”
“I hate you.”
Luc laughed. “No, you don’t. You hate yourself for being such a dumbass.”
“You’re right about that. So, tell me, boss man, what am I going to do? How should I handle this?”
Luc snagged his phone before standing. “I can’t tell you what to do. But I told you what I’d do in your position. So, take that for what it’s worth.”
It was worth a hell of a lot to a guy as lost and confused as I was.