CHAPTER 35
ROXY
Sydney, New South Wales, Australia
The doorbell rang again, forcing Roxy to open her eyes, disoriented, her heart pounding as if she had just been jolted awake from a nightmare. Or had she just woken up to the nightmare that had been her life since the beginning of the year?
Every inch of her body screamed in protest as she became aware, with a headache, aching joints, and a tight feeling in her chest. She hadn't eaten anything today, hadn't showered, and hadn't spoken to anyone except Charles when he called to see if she was still alive.
She felt as if her clothes had melted into her skin.
She didn't know if it was Tuesday or Saturday, and to be honest, she didn't give a damn.
Roxy heard another knock at the door, this time sharp and measured, without urgency, but impossible to ignore.
She dragged herself out of bed, muttering a few silent curses. With every step she took, she felt as if she were dragging behind her the weight of all her mistakes and life choices. She didn't look in the mirror because, what was the point?
She opened the door unceremoniously and shouted, "WHAT THE—" And then, Roxy felt as if the ground had disappeared beneath her feet.
In the doorway stood Ellen, the woman she was head over heels for but who kept refusing to see Roxy, looking flawless in a dark blazer.
Her eyes were incredibly clear, and her mouth was pursed, which told Roxy she wasn't there by chance.
Panic washed over Roxy at the thought of Ellen seeing her in this horrible, miserable state.
Ellen stared at her without blinking, but something flickered in her eyes: pain or a memory. "Ellen?" Roxy's voice broke as she said her name. "How... how did you find me?"
"Are you going to let me in?"
Roxy instinctively stepped aside, her heart pounding in her chest.
Ellen stepped inside slowly, and her eyes took in the messy, quiet room, a wreck since the collapse. Finding the only clean chair, she sat down, spine rigid, arms crossed protectively.
"But what are you doing here?" A glimmer of hope washed over Roxy, as if the colour had returned to her face.
Ellen noticed it straight away. "Keep your hopes in check. I'm not even sure it's a good idea for me to be here," Ellen said, eyes shut.
"But you're here anyway," whispered Roxy. Ellen seemed taken aback by this obvious point.
"I am," Ellen conceded. "Someone pointed out that now that things have calmed down, we should probably talk about what we went through. I hope you realized just how lucky you are to have a friend like that in your life."
"Charles," whispered Roxy, fighting back her tears. Ellen simply nodded in agreement.
Roxy shifted her weight from one foot to the other while looking around embarrassed. "I didn't expect a visit." She tried to straighten her shirt, uselessly. "If I knew you were coming…"
"I can see that," she said, with not an ounce of sarcasm in her voice. "I'm not here to talk about this mess. I just need to ask you one question, and I need you to answer like it's the last time you'll ever see me."
"Everything, Ellen. I swear. Everything you need to know," she said, barely breathing.
"Was that for real, Roxy, or was it just a game of chess for you?"
Had she heard Ellen call her "Roxy?" No more "Roxanne?" She blinked, and tears streamed down her face before she could stop them. She looked down, then looked up again with all the strength she had left.
"I know I've given you reasons not to trust me, and I don't blame you for that," she said, her gaze meeting her.
"But I need you to believe that everything I feel for you is true, even if I fought them.
I couldn't have these feelings for you, Ellen.
" Ellen continued to stare at her, taking in what Roxy had just said, but Roxy quickly continued.
"I lied about my identity and what I do for a living, but I never lied to you about how I feel about you.
To the point where it became problematic for me.
That's why I told you we couldn't see each other anymore. I was trapped."
Ellen looked down for a second. Roxy knew she had to redouble her efforts if she wanted to take advantage of the opportunity life had given her today to see her again.
"Seriously, why did you do this to me? You knew I don't trust easily after what Caroline did to me.
She broke something in me by lying repeatedly and made me feel stupid for loving her. "
Roxy felt her stomach knot up because she knew that part of her story and the damage it had caused Ellen.
"And then you came into my life. You made me believe that I could be safe with you and that I could allow myself to love again.
" Ellen looked up at Roxy, tears welling in her eyes.
"I was so naive because, in the end, you ended up doing the same thing she did. "
"I wish I could explain it better, but I was just following orders, Ellen," Roxy said.
"I don't give a shit what you were being told to do," she retorted sharply. "Fuck, I knew it was a bad idea to come here."
Ellen quickly got up to grab her bag and head for the door, but unlike on game night, Roxy wasn't going to make the same mistake and let her leave.
Roxy stepped forward and took her hand. The simple touch sent an electrifying sensation through Roxy's entire body.
Then, she looked at her and begged, "Please, Ellen, don't go. "
"Then explain it to me. Explain to me how you can disappear like you did when you love someone? Huh? Enlighten me. Did you leave for a better reason than being with me?"
"I made a terrible mistake that evening, Ellen. Not because I left for work, but because of the way I did it." Roxy choked back a sob, saying, "I've been cruel to you, and I want to make amends. There, I've said it. I want to make amends." Roxy was the first to be surprised by her own confidence.
Ellen remained silent, her face impassive. However, her throat moved and her hands were clenched on her chest, and Roxy continued. "I'm haunted every night by that, and it's not to get pity. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself, even if you did. I love you, Ellen. I never stopped loving you."
"Stop," Ellen whispered as if she were in pain. "Don't. Please, don't do that."
"I swear on my life that I'm not manipulating you. This is one of the first times in my life that I've been so honest. There's no way I could've pretended with you. Please, give me the chance to make things right. I want to meet you again and ask you out on my own terms. Not the MI6's ones."
"You'd ask me out?"
"Ellen, I dare to dream about it every day."
Ellen looked uncomfortable and didn't quite know what to say. She sighed. "Roxy, I'm not sure I can trust you."
"I think you are, Ellen Caldwell." Roxy squeezed Ellen's hand before intertwining their fingers. It was risky, but likely to pay off. "You are calling me Roxy again. It must be worth something, surely?"
Roxy Powell had just outsmarted Ellen. A long silence passed before her voice finally broke, quiet and flat. "Roxy, if I find even one more lie in you." Hearing her name the way she said it before made Roxy cringe.
"Then you never have to see me again," she swore to her.
Ellen wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, as if furious at herself for letting the tears come.
Then, her eyes locked on Roxy again, sharper now, but only on the surface.
"I hope I won't regret it, but we should do it.
" Ellen said it with confidence that made Roxy edgy.
"A proper date. I give you one and final chance. Am I clear?"
Roxy swallowed hard, nodding as if her life depended on it. "Thank you, Ellen. Thank you."
Ellen walked to the door, opened it, and stepped out into the light. For the first time in months, she felt a faint pulse of something other than despair.