Chapter 9
Nine
C ooper
Two weeks. That’s all we get on Nantucket this year.
It’s been this first week over Memorial Day weekend and another over July Fourth.
Besides that, my brother and I are expected to work at King all summer.
We’ll be stuck in the hot city, but in mostly air-conditioned high-rises, so it’s not all bad.
Still, I wish we could be on this island, having fun all summer instead.
Nantucket is our sanctuary. However, given the week I had watching Ethan and Sybil act like a blissful married couple, I’m more than ready to get to Manhattan.
All I care about is getting them out of my mind and being able to breathe again. In Manhattan, the Laurences have their own place, and Sybil will be busy with her internship over at Laurence International. Sure, I’ll see her around, but it won’t be all the damn time.
Not like it is here.
I pad to the kitchen in my gym shorts, the smell of sleep and sex still on my skin. When I woke up this morning, my friend from last night had already gone home. That’s fine by me. We’re here to have fun.
The only thing killing me besides my brother’s relationship is the raging hangovers. I’ve drunk my ass off every night we’ve been here.
I want to crawl in a hole by the time I get myself a large glass of water, a piece of toast, and ibuprofen, but I take care of myself instead of texting our chef Camilla. I refuse to be that pathetic.
“Good morning, sunshine,” Sybil says when I enter the dining room. I sink into the chair across from my brother and his girlfriend, wishing the stairs didn’t feel so damn far away. “Don’t you look chipper.”
“Shut up,” I grumble.
“Did you have fun last night?” Ethan asks, taking a sip of his green juice. They look like they’ve returned from a workout and are ready to conquer the day. Lord, help me.
“I did.” At least that’s the truth.
“Looked like it.” Sybil lifts her eyebrows. “You probably have a horrible hangover, though, huh?”
I tip my head in her direction and get to munching on my toast, wanting more than anything for the lovebirds to leave me alone.
They’re so compatible, so perfect, so wonderful, but damn it if my pathetic heart still swoops low every time I see them kiss.
“We’re going to the botanical gardens today. Do you want to join us?” Sybil asks.
I glance at my brother. The botanical gardens aren’t really his style, but he’s busy playing with his phone, so I guess he doesn’t care.
“No thanks,” I say dryly. I’d rather poke my eyeballs out with a fork than watch them stroll hand in hand, looking at flowers and taking selfies together.
“Suit yourself,” Sybil says, getting up and pulling Ethan with her. They leave, and I’m left at the table with my sad piece of half-eaten toast and my pounding headache and my jealous heart. Pushing the plate away, I drop my head onto the table and slow my breathing, forcing my thoughts to mellow.
It’s fine. I’m going to get over her. It’s only a matter of time. I’ll meet the right person for me eventually, and my crush on Sybil will be a distant memory. One day, most likely, she’ll be my sister-in-law. I have to move on.
I can see her like a sister. I can.
Even as I’m telling myself this blatant lie, my mind betrays me.
All I see are the things I love about her.
The way she cares for the ones she loves.
The openness of her laugh. How smart her mind is.
Her perfect body, tall and strong. Her expressive green eyes.
The arch of her pale neck when her hair is up.
God, that hair. It’s like a sunrise, fiery and soft at the same time.
She’s beautiful inside and out, and she understands me in a way nobody else does.
I am fucked. Why do I keep thinking like this? Torturing myself?
“You okay, son?” Mom’s voice pulls me to the present as she places a hand on my shoulder. I didn’t even realize she came in.
“I’m fine.” That’s the standard answer I give to my parents and has been for years.
“How was school?” “Fine.” “How are you doing?” “Fine.” “Are you okay that the woman you’re secretly in love with is openly in love with your twin brother?
” “I’m fine.” Okay, so they haven’t asked that last question, but it’s only a matter of time before Mom figures it out.
“Let’s go sit outside. I want to talk to you.”
Well, shit.
I blink, chest constricting, but I do as she asks. The back porch has several places to lounge, and she thankfully leads me to the one with the most shade. My headache thanks her.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
She sits and smiles. “Have a seat, Cooper.”
I have a feeling I’m about to get lectured, but at least it’s coming from her. Dad’s lectures are the absolute worst. They’re full of expectation and disappointment and long-suffering sighs accompanied by hard stares. At least Mom knows how to come from a space of understanding.
“Just say what you need to say.” I sigh, plopping onto the chair beside her. She takes my hand, squeezing, and we both watch the horizon instead of each other.
“I’m worried about you, and before you say anything, please hear me out.”
I nod. I’ve always respected my mom. She’s been the parent who’s really there for us—the one who actually cares about our emotional well-being and not just our social status. She’s the glue in our dysfunctional family.
“You’ve been drinking a lot, and you’ve had a lot of girls sleeping over. Every night this week. Don’t get mad, but I talked to your brother, and he says this behavior was standard for you at school last year, too.”
I pull my hand away. “I’m an adult.”
“You’re nineteen, Cooper. You shouldn’t be drinking at all at nineteen, let alone in excess.”
“It’s college. It’s normal. I have good grades, don’t I?”
“You do, and I’m grateful for that, but that’s not the point. I want you to be safe and healthy and happy. Frankly, you’re not taking care of yourself, and you need to cut it out before you end up hurting yourself or someone else.”
Do I get where she’s coming from? Yes. Do I have any intention of changing my ways? No. At least not while Ethan and Sybil are together. Booze and women are the only coping mechanisms I’ve got.
“I’ll do better,” I say. Not a blatant lie.
It’ll be easier to focus when we’re busy with our internships and Sybil is busy with hers. As for college next year, I don’t anticipate things getting any better.
“Cooper, is there something you want to tell me?”
It would be so easy to confess, but I can’t. What can she do about it? All our parents are thrilled about Sybil and Ethan, and they’re not going to break up. So why reveal my secret? It would be mortifying.
“Nope.”
She studies my face, and I look right at her. She’s aged more in the last two years than she had in the previous decade. She looks so tired. Suddenly, I feel like an ass for just now noticing.
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” I try.
She smiles. “I’m good. I’m only being a mom, checking on my boys. It’s my job.”
“Yeah. Yeah.”
She sighs, as if she’s done, but then she stops herself. “You know, it’s okay to be sad when we don’t get the things we want. But you need to understand what is truly meant for us will never pass us by.”
“Okay…” I swear she can see right into my brain.
She pats my knee. “One day you’re going to meet your person, honey. I know it. Be patient and take care of yourself in the meantime, okay?”
My cheeks flame, and I nod.
She leaves me with those thoughts, and I stare at the sea as my headache slowly lifts away. Maybe she’s right, and I should be more careful, lay off the drinks, stop sleeping with women who I have no future interest in, but then what would I replace the distractions with? How would I numb myself?
Maybe that’s the point. Maybe I’m supposed to feel it all.
I don’t know if I can put myself through that, to feel all the shit in my life and just be patient and hopeful that one day things will be different.
The fact remains, I don’t know how to be the person everyone wants me to be.
I can’t change my circumstances, so how am I supposed to change me?