Robbie
Ring ting ting-a-ling, my balls are jigg-a-ling, bro. It’s fratastic weather for a Christmas Day with my ho.
Being back in Arizona is filling me with the Christmas spirit, and I know Brando is used to a white Christmas and carols and what-the-fuck-ever they do in Kilborough, but we did their whacked-out traditional Christmas last year, so this year, it’s Harrows time, baby.
It’s been so long since me and all my brothers were all in the one place, and as I grin around at the people gathered, my heart feels full.
Mom and Dad are dressed as Santa and Mrs. Claus.
Kynan is wearing a gingerbread onesie, Banjo went all out in his nutcracker suit, Marshmallow and his boyfriend Felix are elves, and Brandon and I are slutty reindeer.
I keep tweaking his antlers and calling him horny, and he keeps threatening to get the whip out on me later.
Dad was impressed when he overheard that one.
“First one to find their gift and get back here wins,” Mom says, mainly for the benefit of the newbies. I wish she’d hurry up, because it’s a cold morning and my ass is hanging out. “Remember, it’s not who finds theirs first, it’s who gets back here first.”
Banjo and I exchange a smirk.
Felix and Brandon have no chance. Neither of them have been around for our Secret Santa before, so those poor innocent souls are at a disadvantage.
The whole point is to buy the worst gift possible, hide it somewhere semi-easy, and make sure that fucker isn’t going anywhere.
The amount of duct tape I used to secure my gift to the rafters in the henhouse will keep Felix going for days.
“All right.” Mom holds up her hand. “On your marks … go!”
I break into a sprint, leaving Brando behind. It’s every man for himself, because if I’m back first, I get first pick of the Christmas cookies.
You don’t need much of a prize when you’re as competitive as we are, but cookies?
Yeah, I’m sold. I catch a glimpse of Marshall and Felix on the other side of the property, together, bless their hearts.
Those losers are going to get their asses kicked, no matter how cute it is they’re helping each other.
Aww, adorable. Helping each other lose.
I take it as a point of pride that Brandon is getting into this as much as the rest of us are. It would have been incredibly disappointing to have to dump his ass on Christmas Day.
A flash of red tells me my parents are searching for their gifts by the house, and I spot Banjo head inside the barn.
I scour the outside of it, trying to cover every inch before moving on.
I have no idea who got me for a gift, but the thrill of it is so much fun.
Not only that, the thought of what the hell it could be edges me harder than Brando on his knees.
Getting good gifts is great, getting bad ones is downright hilarious, and my expectation is a thousand times higher when I know someone is going to be taking the piss out of me.
We all had a chance to hide our gifts last night under the watchful eye of G-ma, since her and Pop are too old to join in. They’re in the house, cooking lunch, and the smells wafting over the yard through the open kitchen window are making my mouth water.
Fuck, Robdog, focus.
Banjo bursts out of the barn ahead of me, presentless, and with his face set in a determined scowl. Considering there’s always a gift in there, I might as well look there next.
I know this place like the back of my hand, and over the years I’ve perfected a method for checking it out.
Stalls, horses’s feed, tack room, then the loft overhead.
But it’s in the second to last stall, buried in the grain, that I find a wrapped gift with my name on it.
The Let it Snow wrapping paper has been folded in a way that the side reads “titS” and I know instantly who it’s from. My little sugar plum.
I laugh and go to pull the present out, but it gets stuck on something. Something in the grain. And no matter how hard I tug at it, the damn present won’t pull free.
My hand dives under the feed until I find the bottom of the present and … what the fuck is that? Fishing line?
That little shit.
But instead of annoying me, I only fall more in love with him, all while cursing his name. Here I’d thought we totally had one over on him and Felix, but that sneaky bastard figured it out, and now I need to find something to cut through the goddamn fishing line.
My time is running out, and I all but hulk smash through the door to the tack room and go straight for the hoof knife.
It makes fast work of the fishing line and I finally get my present free. It’s about the size of my forearm, and as I return the knife and take off at a run, my mind wanders to what it could be.
To what amazing, pleasurable thing it could be.
The packaging is a promising size, and if Brando got me a dildo, my family better find earplugs somewhere, because we’ll be celebrating the holidays with it all night.
There’s no one back at the house yet, and just when I’m ready to crow about being home clear, lil Broite appears from nowhere. His tiny legs and arms are pumping, the bells on his shoes jingling with every step.
“You. Fucking. Harrows,” Felix gasps.
And even though he’s puny, he doesn’t let that stop him. Felix keeps up with the rest of us, and if he and Marshall ever break up, I’m gonna have to adopt him.
Or force them into an arranged marriage.
Not sure which would have the most legal requirements.
“Those cookies are mine, dammit,” I grunt, reaching for him. But before I can grab him to pull him back, Marshall appears out of nowhere.
My brother—my own brother—tackles me to the ground.
“What the frat fuck is this?” I cry around a mouthful of grass.
“Loyalty.”
“Loyalty? Brothers before lovers, dickweed.”
Marshall laughs and smooshes my face into the ground before running off after Felix. And sure, maybe I’d be annoyed at this absolute betrayal, but lil Broite has been good for my brother. Marshall has always been my favorite person, but it’s been great to see him loosen up.
So while I glare at the both of them when I get back, I don’t mean it. Well, once Felix promises to share the cookies with me, I don’t.
It takes another half an hour for the others to show up, after Kynan had to give in and show Banjo where his present was hidden up a tree.
Once everyone is bundled up inside, we’re finally allowed to open our gifts.
It’s supposed to go in order of winner to loser, but I can’t help myself. Before Felix and Marshall can get into their gifts, I jump to my feet and point the gift at Brandon. “If you’ve given me a mold of your love rod, this’ll be the best Christmas ever.”
Dad facepalms, and Mom rolls her eyes.
Brandon just lifts an eyebrow. “I thought this was a bad gift exchange?”
I wink at him. “Oh yeah, baby. You’ve been bad.”
Dad gets up with a mumbled, “I’m gonna need a drink for this.”
He returns a moment later with a jug of eggnog that the others help themselves to.
I’m more interested in my present though. It’s not that I don’t drink anymore, I just don’t do it often. And who needs alcohol when you can ride the high that is life?
Speaking of high…
“Everyone look away unless you want to see what’s going up my ass later.”
Marshall goes bright red while Felix dissolves into laughter.
“It’s definitely not what you think it is,” Brandon says.
“You’re spoiling the surprise,” I whine.
“Okay, now I’m interested.” Dad sets his drink down. “What are we driving Robbie to the ER for tonight? Any takers?”
“A bottle of Jack!”
“A torch!”
“One of those things that go…” Felix mimes pressing down on something. “Honk!”
Now there’s some imagery. I tip my head back. “You’re all ruining this for me.”
“Hey, you’re the one who’s shoving unknown objects up his ass. I just need to know what I’m telling the nurses to look out for.”
I scowl at everyone, prepared to be disappointed at whatever this present is now that I know it isn’t a mold of Brando’s dick. Lucky I’ve got the real thing, although one dick and two holes is math I can’t solve.
“Okay, you’ve got our attention,” Mom says. “What is it?”
I’m almost holding my breath as I tear it open and…
I crack up laughing. It’s a kid’s blue, sparkly, Frozen microphone. Amidst the sniggers that break out around me, I tear into the box, pull it out, and find it with batteries already inside.
“Oh, Brando, you missed the memo. It was bad gifts. This is going to be bad for everyone but me.”
Before any of them can stop me, I hit go on one of the songs and start to serenade them.
“Do you wanna something snowmaaaan? And ride blah blah blah haaaaall. And there’s something overdue. And something else about a waaaaall.” I pause. “Where’s that ‘Let it Go’ song? I think I know some of that.”
“Dear God, Brandon, what have you done?” Mom groans.
I hit a button, and the tune for “Let it Go” starts, but before I can get a word out, Kynan tackles me, grabs the microphone, and dumps the batteries out of it. He climbs off me and tosses the now silent microphone my way.
“Go back to your original idea,” he says.
“I mean…” I size up the base of the microphone. “It probably could—”
“No!” Five voices shout at me. Felix and Brandon are the only ones who stay quiet, and I send a thank you to my frat forefathers that my family finally gained some cool points.
“Oh, ye of little faith,” I say.
“Ye of the multiple emergency visits,” Mom throws back.
“And knowing you all your life,” Banjo adds.
Kynan shrugs. “And being your partner in crime.”
I hold the microphone out to him. “You gonna be my brother in butt stuff too?”
“And that’s the cue for a time out.” Brandon gets up, clearly trying not to laugh as he takes my hand, pulls me to my feet, and drags me out of the room.
“We didn’t get to see the other presents,” I complain.
“If I tell you I have your real gift upstairs, will that shut you up?”
“You did get me a dick mold.”
Brandon laughs and tugs me into a kiss. “If I’d known it was on your wish list, you know I would have.”
“Next year?”
“But then it won’t be a surprise.”
“What if I promise to act really shocked?”
He narrows his eyes, pretending to think for a moment. “Only if you open it in front of everyone.”
“Fucking deal.”
We reach my room, and Brandon shoves me down on the bed, grabs a nicely wrapped gift, and climbs up beside me. He cuddles into my side and sets the gift on my gut.
“You know those tiny food videos you love so much?”
“Wait…”
“Open it.”
I’m possibly more excited opening this than I was when I thought I was opening a fake dick. And when the paper comes off and I find a mini food making set, I can’t wipe the grin off my face. A tiny fry pan, cupcake molds, piping bag, and utensils.
“Now you can make your own videos,” he says.
“I didn’t think it was possible for me to fall any more in love with you.”
“Yeah, but you know every time you say that, it makes me more determined than ever to prove you wrong.”
Gift forgotten, I tackle him to the bed and kiss my man stupid, fingers sneaking underneath his slutty outfit. “Yeah,” I say, pulling back. “But you don’t need things to do that. You’ve just gotta keep being you. I’m at a disadvantage here.”
He smiles at me softly, the kind of smile I get when we’re alone and the rest of the world doesn’t exist. “Are you kidding? Robbie, I’ve always been at a disadvantage.
You could be half of the you that you are, and you’d outshine me anyway.
You’re one of those people who’s just so happy being happy.
No matter what you’re doing. If it’s something shit, you’ll find joy in it anyway. ”
“Yeah, but I can be a bit much sometimes,” I say, feeling chuffed and a bit awkward under all the compliments.
“Anyone who doesn’t love you is just bitter and twisted that they don’t feel the same about their own lives. They’re the types of people who don’t want to find the good in things.”
I smile. “Bro big or bro home?”
“With you, I always get to do both.”