Chapter 12
Chay’s alarm went off way too early. He pulled Ava closer to him as she sleepily opened her eyes. “What is that?”
“Sorry, I’ve got get going. I’ll text you later. Maybe we can make plans again?”
“What do you mean, maybe? We’re dating, right?”
“Yeah,” he said, trying to play it cool, but the truth was he was new to this, which he’d been honest about with her.
“What is this? Cold feet?”
He didn’t answer, swinging his legs off the bed and sitting with his back to her. “Not at all.”
Her arms came around his waist as she rested her head on his shoulder. “What is going on?”
“This is the furthest any relationship as ever gone for me.” Somehow it was easier to admit it when he wasn’t looking at her.
Kissing his neck, her hands rubbed up and down his chest. “Well, this one’s not ending.”
For now?
He didn’t ask that out loud, but the fear was there in the back of his mind and in his heart. He liked Ava so much that he felt like he was going to explode from the emotion. It was overwhelming and not at all the way he liked to operate. There had to be some way to get himself back in check.
“Good to know. So text later? I’ve got to shower,” he said. As much as he knew it would probably be healthier to talk to her, he needed to get moving. Start his day and pretend that absolutely nothing had changed.
“Yes. Go. Want coffee?”
He nodded, and she climbed out of bed, hair tousled around her shoulders. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her. Raising both eyebrows, she gave him a secret smile. “I thought you were in a hurry.”
“I think I can spare a few minutes,” he said as he tumbled her back to bed and made love to her. When they had both come and were exhausted, she lay next to him. “I really have to go,” he said.
“I know. Come back tonight?”
“I can’t. Come to mine? I think we can find a portable crib for Gracie,” he said.
“Okay. I’ll do that. My last session is done at six, so I’ll be late.”
“That works. It’s my night to have dinner with my grandmother. So she’ll be there. I was thinking…well, about Gracie. Grandmother does want a great-grandchild.”
“Wonderful! So you’ll try to adopt her?” Ava asked.
“No. I wasn’t saying that at all. Just that visitation would be nice for my grandmother.”
He read the disappointment on her face. But she just took a deep breath and nodded. “Sounds good.”
Guessing how hard it was for her not push him, he kissed her again before heading to the bathroom for his shower. When he came out, there was a coffee mug on the dresser, and he heard the sounds of Ava singing to Gracie.
For a moment he just stood in the domesticity. He could have this. All of this could be his. Just reach out and take what Ava was offering him.
He suspected she wanted a family as much as he did. But she came from a solid home life and had loving parents and a brother. What was holding her back?
His watch pinged, reminding him that he was running late. He had a meeting at the tribal police headquarters at ten, so he needed to speak to Jacob early and get back to the Navajo Nation.
Ava had made him two breakfast burritos, which she’d wrapped in foil and handed to him with a to-go coffee mug. “Figured you wouldn’t have time for food. Don’t expect this all the time.” She said that last with a smile.
His heart was ready to burst—a feeling of happiness coursing through him so deep and strong that he had to look away. This was too much. The world would never let him keep this.
He swallowed his fear for now. He kissed Gracie’s head and tickled her under the chin before hugging Ava and grabbing the food she prepared.
“Thanks.”
“No problem. ’Bye.”
“Byebyebyebye,” Gracie said.
Ava’s eyes flew to his. “Did you hear that?”
“I did.”
“’Bye,” he said directly to Gracie.
“Huuuuhhh.”
Ava laughed. “So, not totally sure yet. I’m going to keep working on it with her.”
“Me, too. ’Bye.”
Driving to the National Parks ISB offices, eating one of his burritos, he didn’t want to think about Ava and Gracie. But they were in his head. The smell of strawberries and baby powder probably clung to him, and he didn’t mind.
He’d never wanted to claim a family as his own, or make one.
Taking nothing from his grandmother who’d raised him and loved him.
He’d always felt like a burden to her. She had raised her daughter’s kid when he had shown up.
Her life had been, and still was, full of friends and activities, but she’d taken him on.
Never really complaining. That wasn’t her way. She didn’t regret him being her life, she’d told him once. That he’d given her a gift she’d never expected to have.
But Ava and Gracie were different. There was no blood bond or sympathy because he’d been left on the doorstep…something he shared with Gracie—maybe that was why he cared so deeply for her.
He couldn’t analyze it. Affection didn’t work that way. Those two were in his heart, maybe as deeply as his grandmother was. Something the hadn’t anticipated and wasn’t entirely sure he knew how to handle.
But he would.
Wherever Gracie ended up, he’d make sure it was a kind, loving family. He’d be the best damned uncle she could ever have. It was almost easier with Gracie than with Ava.
Being the best man he could be for Ava, that was something he had no idea how to achieve. But he was determined to try. There was something about her that made him want to forget that hurt boy he still was and reach out again.
The only thing in his way was him. And he was stubborn and scared and hated both of those traits, but there they were. Making the burrito he’d been enjoying a moment ago taste almost sour in his mouth.
Making breakfast? Still second-guessing that move, she drove to the hospital. The sun was bright this morning and traffic a little heavier than usual. Gracie was still chattering but hadn’t made any other sounds like saying ’bye to Chay.
After she dropped Gracie at day care, she hurried to her office, not stopping to chat with anyone before she had to be in Fern’s room for their session.
Probably a good thing she had a busy day, or she’d spend most of it mooning over Chay. Last night had been one of the best of her life. He and Gracie were weaving their way into her heart.
“Hello, Fern,” she said, walking into the room, noticing the scent of her brother’s cologne as she did so.
“Was Ryan here?”
“He stopped by at the end of his shift before heading home.”
“That’s nice,” Ava said, but she was concerned for Ryan. Fern was recovering from a lot of trauma. Connections she formed now were going to be strong and deep. Something she wasn’t too sure her brother was aware of.
Making a mental note to do the big sister thing and call him later, she smiled at Fern.
“How are we today?”
Fern played with the comforter as had become her habit when she was avoiding talking.
“Fine.”
“Hey, it’s okay to have an off day,” Ava reminded her. “What’s up?”
“My leg really hurts. I can’t sleep. It’s been so sunny I wish I was outside, but the PT said I can’t until I make more progress.”
“You can’t walk outside but…what if we bundle you up and sit in the quiet reflection area?” Ava suggested. “We can do your session there.”
“Really?”
“Yes. And the nurses will take you outside if you want to go out.”
Fern nodded to herself. Smooshing down the blanket pyramids she’d made.
“Don’t want to go out?” Ava asked. Suspecting that it was due to the fact that she’d been kidnapped. In this hospital room she was safe. But she wanted Fern to figure that out. Telling her what was holding her back wasn’t going to help her move past this trauma.
“Lame, right? I’m in the hospital and there are tons of people around, but I’m still scared to leave this room. Even when they come to take me to PT, I freak out a little bit.”
“That’s natural—not lame at all. I was afraid to leave my apartment in college for a while,” Ava admitted. “Everyone has dealt with fear similar to yours at some time or another. Maybe not for the reasons you have, but our minds are capable of fear to protect us.”
“Well…I wish mine would get the message I’m safe,” she said with a mirthless laugh.
“You’re making a lot of progress. You have nurses in your room at night—how’s that going?”
“Much better,” Fern admitted. “Actually really good. Two nights ago I was annoyed they woke me up.”
“Nice. That’s more like it. How did you feel?”
“Normal. For a few minutes, I felt like my old self,” she said.
“Good. So about going outside….”
“I don’t think I can do it today,” Fern said after a moment.
“How do you feel about trying an exercise that might help you get ready to go out?” Ava asked.
“Sure. What is it?”
“Let’s make a list of all the evidence for you being kidnapped again and then disprove it.
We’ll work on it together…how does that feel for you?
” Ava asked, not wanting to push Fern into anything the other woman wasn’t ready for.
But knowing that Fern needed to retrain her mind to accept that there wasn’t a kidnapper around every corner.
“I’m not sure. But it will be a distraction, so I’ll do it,” Fern said with a lot of determination. The woman had grit, which Ava admired.
They worked on the list for a while. Fern putting down her fears. There was no rationale for why the men kidnapped her. She hadn’t heard them talking about what they were going to do with her. They hadn’t sexually assaulted her. Just kept her drugged.
“Give me one reason why they wouldn’t come back,” Ava said.
“They’d be arrested or questioned. There are cops in the building and I’m being guarded,” Fern said.
“That’s a good one. Do you have another reason?”
“It would be easier to get another woman who’s on her own,” Fern admitted.
“True.” Ava added it to the list.
“They grabbed me in Oso. That’s probably a town they know well…I don’t think anyone’s been taken from Dark Canyon.”
There was a question in her voice. “To my knowledge, no one has been taken here. How do you feel about the list?”