Chapter 12 #2
“It’s a good one. But I’m not sure that’s enough. I mean, I want to be outside and feel the sun but…for Pete’s sake—my hands are shaking thinking about it.” She held her hand out toward Ava.
Ava took her hand and squeezed it. “Last night I was so paranoid I was being watched I locked my car three times to make sure it was extra locked while I was driving. I get the fear you are experiencing. Finally I got to my destination and there was no one following me. My mind could relax only when I felt I was safe.”
Maybe she’d overshared, but she wanted Fern to realize that she wasn’t alone. “Thanks for that. Makes me feel a little less isolated knowing that this kind of thing happens to you, too. This is going to be with me for a while, isn’t it?”
Ava squeezed her hand before letting it go. “For the rest of your life…but with the right tools, like the evidence list, the intensity and frequency will slow. It’s just allowing yourself to do what you need to in order to feel safe. There is no wrong reaction. Okay?”
Fern nodded slowly. “Thanks, Ava.”
“No problem.” They chatted a bit more before she remembered Chay’s question. “Officer Benally asked if you remember seeing any signs that anyone else had been held in the cabin?”
Fern leaned back against the pillow, closing her eyes as she made those pyramids out of the blanket and then opened them. “No, but I was so groggy and then when I was awake frantic to get out. There could have been.”
“Thanks for that. I’ll let him know. Next session we’ll see how you feel about going to the bench outside.”
Fern gave her a quick smile and a determined nod. Ava left a few minutes later.
By the time Ava arrived at his house that evening, Chay was tired and very cranky. His grandmother was in a good mood and shooed him out to chop more wood for her, which he’d deliver when he took her home. Chopping wood was the perfect thing for him at this moment.
One of the worst parts of himself was the way he sunk deep inside.
Even as a grown-ass man, he still had the sulky teenager longing to come out.
The investigation was stalled until the men who took Fern screwed up.
He’d asked an officer to go check out areas in around Wilson, but the officer’s wife had slipped on ice and broken her ankle, so he’d been out sick.
No. Big. Deal.
The axe fell in time with each of the words to underscore that he needed to let it go. But he wasn’t.
He felt like there was a ticking clock and if they didn’t make a break in the case soon, someone else was going to be taken. Maybe this time they wouldn’t be so lucky to get her back the way they had with Fern.
Though that was all down to Fern. That woman was a strong one, and Chay admired her.
“Want some company?”
Not really.
Part of his crankiness was also down to Ava being so great. He hadn’t found a flaw yet. She’d been pushy about Gracie but backed off when he’d asked her to. Just another great thing about this woman.
“Sure.”
Because he wasn’t an asshole and knew she’d be hurt if he sent her away. But he kept chopping wood, bring up another hunk to be splintered. Focusing solely on his work and not on the fact that she stood next to him in her heavy winter coat, with her knitted hat on…a new one.
“Want to talk about it?”
“Nope.”
She gave an exaggerated sigh.
“Sorry. I’m not fit for company. That’s why Grandmother sent me out here.”
She moved to sit on a stump facing him. “Why is that?”
Shrugging as if he had no clue. Knowing it was because his relationship with her felt like it was going too well. Also, this was date three. No one had made it to date three before. What if three was his new limit?
Which he totally wasn’t going to admit to her.
“Last night…when I drove out here, it wasn’t just the past I was running from,” she said.
He glanced over at her. Ava had a way of intuiting what he was feeling. He both liked and hated that.
“I get it. I’m definitely one foot in my past and one foot right here in the present. I’m totally aware that I could be fucking you and me up. But I can’t seem to get around it.”
She stood up, putting one hand on her hip. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
“So you’re feeling stalked…” He got it. A bit slower than he normally was, because all these emotions swirling around him like a heavy fog made it hard for him to really see clearly.
“Do you think if you let me and Gracie in, someone will come and take it away?” he asked.
“I don’t think it, but I’ve been fine for years, and then as soon as I start dating you and fostering Gracie, my mind is all on high alert. Looking for someone watching me, waiting to take my security and happiness away again,” she said, rubbing her hands on her arms.
He put the axe down on the stump, went over to her and hauled her up against him. “They’ll have to go through me.”
Her arms went around his waist. “Thanks.”
“Only Grandmother has stayed. And part of that had to be obligation, you know?”
She pulled back and shook her head at him. “You’re entitled to your feelings, but never say that to your grandmother. She’ll be hurt. She loves you. She raised you because she wanted to. We both know there were other options for her. You matter to her. You matter to me, too.”
She had a point, but it was easier to say it was obligation than to have to face the fact that if his grandmother loved him for who he was…
than his mother must have never loved him.
It was complex and hard to unravel. So much of those feelings were tied to who he’d been at six. Not the man he was today.
“Thanks for that. I’ve never been on more than three dates with a woman. You matter to me. I don’t want to let you down.”
“You haven’t.”
“Come on in, you two. Gracie just said Mama,” Grandmother called from the door of his house.
Taking Ava’s hand in his, they hurried to the house. Even though he promised himself he’d only be Gracie’s uncle, he was prouder than any father could be at her words. That girl had a lot to say…not unlike her foster mother.
In his heart, though, he already saw Ava as her mother. How were either of them going to move on once Gracie was placed in her forever home?
For the first time, he actually admitted to himself that he might want more than just being Ava’s boyfriend and Gracie’s uncle. He might want it all.