Now
VIOLET
“Violet, will you please come out of the bathroom?” Grayson asks me through the door.
I shake my head. “Please leave me alone. Go continue making dinner before everything goes bad.”
“Vi.”
“Just go!” I yell.
Hearing footsteps get quieter, I sit on the toilet with my hands on my head.
I should’ve known I was setting myself up for heartbreak.
I can’t process the fact that he believes our relationship was a waste of time. He didn’t say it out loud, but I could see it in his eyes.
I’m such an idiot.
How did I think this was a good idea? Seeing the love of my life after all these years and explaining to him why we crumbled wasn’t the answer to my problems. I just made the biggest fool out of myself…and he let me.
After fifteen minutes go by, I try to cool myself down with the breathing exercises Dani did with me when we were at Tidal Wave Arena. I still can’t believe she left me. I don’t understand. She told me she’d be there for me, but she left without any prior warning.
I decide to text her and ask her why.
Me
Why did you leave me at the arena earlier?
Dani
violet, we talked about this last night on the way home. remember? what’s going on?
Me
I’m in Grayson’s apartment, sitting on the toilet and having one of the worst panic attacks of my entire life
We were in the middle of making dinner, and I stupidly asked if he regretted the time we spent together. He didn’t answer me. He literally said he couldn’t. I set myself up for this. I deserve this
Dani
violet, listen to me. nobody deserves to have their heart broken. you didn’t set yourself up for this. this isn’t your fault, and you shouldn’t be blaming yourself right now
here’s the deal. you go talk to grayson about this. if you feel like you want to leave, say the word. i’ll take you back home. you got me?
Me
Yes
Dani
do those breathing exercises we did earlier
Me
I’ve been doing them for the past 15 minutes, and they’re not helping
Dani
just keep focusing on your breathing!
i wasn’t lying when i told you i’m here for you. i know how hard it is to put yourself out there and do something scary. violet, trust me when i say this. the universe knows what it’s doing. give it time
The universe knows what it’s doing. Give it time.
There’s sound coming from the kitchen. I can hear it through the crack of the door. Opening the door slowly with my purse and phone in my hand, I peek my head out to investigate.
Grayson walks over to me and takes my stuff, setting everything on one of the bar stools.
My nose catches the scent of garlic herb butter and melted cheese.
Wow, that smells so good.
There are two sandwiches sitting under a heat lamp.
How the hell does this man have a heat lamp?
My eyes grow wide until they meet his dark brown eyes. He weaves his fingers into mine, his eyes looking deep into my soul. “Dance with me.”
“I—”
He cuts me off as quickly as he can. “I’m not taking no for an answer, Angel.”
Pressing a button on his phone, Lizzy McAlpine’s angelic voice floods out of the bluetooth speaker that sits on the bar.
He moves us in between the dining room and the living room.
Our hands are still intertwined, while his other hand finds a home on my lower back.
His chest presses against mine, and I forget how to breathe like a normal human being.
The spark of electricity I felt when I was a twelve-year-old girl bolts through his hand into my back.
“I haven’t done this in a long time,” I say.
“Haven’t done what?”
“Dance like this with you.”
His hand gently pushes my head to rest in the nape of his neck. My hands wrap around his waist, hugging him tightly.
This is not something friends do. At least, not this intimately.
“Violet.”
“You don’t have to say anything.”
“Yes, I do.” He inhales and exhales. “I want you to know I don’t regret a single minute we spent together.
I wish you would let me compartmentalize instead of rushing off and thinking the worst about me.
I’m sorry if I ever made you think our relationship meant nothing to me. It meant everything to me.”
It meant everything to me, too.
“I know being friends isn’t going to be easy, but I’d do anything to have you back in my life again. If you just want to be friends, that’s totally fine. Can we establish something first?”
“Okay, what is it?”
“I know I said this to you already, but I’m saying it again. You’re not allowed to vanish from my life again. Do you promise?”
My lips quiver, and my breath hitches as I lift my head up. “I promise I won’t leave you. Besides, you have an Instagram post to be a part of if you lose the bet.”
A breathy laugh escapes his mouth. “Have you given any thought to what we’ll be doing for the post?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
“Feel free to share them with the class when you figure it out.”
“I will.”
“Can we eat now?”
I nod. “Yes, please.” I walk over to the kitchen table and sit down on one of the chairs.
Grayson grabs our plates, placing one in front of me as he sits down across from me. Without a second thought, I pick up the sandwich and take a large bite out of it.
This is the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth.
As my gaze meets his, I realize he’s staring at me. My eyes wander from side to side, ultimately growing wide. “What?”
“I guess you’re hungry.”
“Having anxiety does that to a person.”
He shakes his head. “Stress does that to a person. Anxiety does the opposite. Well, at least, that’s how the two work for me.” He takes a bite out of his sandwich, leaving half of it sitting on his plate.
Swallowing a lump of saliva, I clear my throat. “What do you do to relieve stress?”
“Cooking and basketball are a form of therapy for me. Exercise helps improve my sleep and increases endorphins. They both make me happy and have changed my life for the better.”
A gentle smile slowly appears on my face. “I wish I could’ve seen that.”
One corner of his mouth lifts up. “Seen what?”
“You working your magic in the kitchen. Instead, I had a panic attack, which ruined everything. I. Ruin. Everything.” I laugh in a lame attempt to stop my eyes from filling up with water, but it doesn’t work.
He gets up and sits on the chair next to me, grabbing my hand and rubbing circular motions on the top of it with his thumb.
I look away, closing my eyes for a brief moment. When I open them, my head whips back to meet his gaze.
“I forgot how soft your hands are,” he says.
I forgot how much I missed the feeling of your hand in mine.
Wiping away the tears falling out of my eyes, a broken laugh comes out of my mouth. “I don't know why I’m like this.”
“Whenever you’re ready to talk about it, I’m here.”
“Ugh, it’s so hard to explain. One minute, I’m totally fine.
And the next minute, everything comes crashing down.
It’s like everything around me catches on fire and takes hours to be put out.
When the fire finally goes out, I can breathe again.
That is until the cycle starts all over and makes me want to scream until I can never scream again. ”
He tilts his head on one side, his mouth parting slightly. “Violet, I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault.”
He shrugs his shoulders, his brown eyes dissolving every bone in my body. “Do you find that making social media content helps relieve your anxiety?”
I nod. “Yeah, it does. Sometimes it’s the cause of it. As amazing as social media can be, it can be incredibly toxic. People can be cruel because they’re able to hide behind a screen.”
“Has anybody ever been mean to you?”
“No, not yet. I’ve just seen so many people in the book community do things that hurt me, not only as a reader, but as a human being. I don’t understand why people do such mean things. I don’t think I ever will.”
He leans his face closer to mine, placing his hands on top of one another and resting them underneath his chin. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“You’re going to find people who will see how kind and generous you are as well as people who will have your back no matter what and love you for who you are. Trust works both ways. I know how hard it is to find someone you trust with your entire life. There are four people in my life who I trust.”
“Who are those four people?”
“Noah, Xander, Noah’s mom, and my mom…” His chest heaves.
“It used to be five because I included you in the list, but after everything that happened, I had to make some adjustments. The thing that makes no sense is how I still trust you, and we barely know anything about the versions of who we are now.”
Ugh, the way he’s looking at me right now is making me question everything.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I lean back against the chair. “We haven’t talked to each other in years. How do you still trust me after everything that happened?”
“It’s not as complicated as it sounds. Despite what happened between us, I never stopped trusting you. I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped…” He trails off, cutting himself off before he can finish what he was about to say to me.
“Gray.”
“What?”
“What were you going to say?”
“Nothing. It’s not important.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah.” A cute smile spreads on his lips, but it quickly fades away.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I need to see who’s going to win this bet.” I reach for my phone and press Noah’s name, putting it on speaker.
“Who are you calling?”
The line rings for several seconds until a deep voice says something. “What’s up, Vi?”
“Hi, Noah,” I say. “You’re on speaker.”
“Am I?”
“Yes, you are.”
Grayson rolls his eyes. “Hey, dipshit.”
“Gray? Wait, where are you guys?”
“At the apartment,” Grayson says.
“Our apartment?” Noah asks.
“No, Violet’s. Yes, our apartment.” Grayson’s tone is full of sarcasm. “Is Xander with you?”
“No, I left him at the restaurant. Of course, he’s with me.”
“Hi, Violet.” Xander’s voice echoes in the background.
“Hi!” I shout. “I need to ask you guys something. It’s for science.”
“Actual science or just in general?” Noah asks, his tone embedded with skepticism.
“Just in general.” I breathe out. “Is Grayson fun?”