Now
GRAYSON
What the hell am I doing?
I back away from Violet, giving us both the space we need to move on from the sheer awkwardness that occurred.
“We should head downstairs.”
“Yeah. Do you have everything you need?”
“I have my purse, which has everything I need in it.”
“I can always bring whatever you leave here tomorrow anyway.”
“True.” She twists the doorknob clockwise, stepping out of the apartment.
Following suit, I lock the door behind me and slip the key into my back pocket. Violet beats me to the first floor and waits in front of the building.
I stand next to her with my hands in my side pockets. “When Noah was trying to dissect his feelings for Dani this past summer, he asked Xander and I what being in love feels like. Since Xander hasn’t been in love yet, he wanted my opinion. Do you want to hear some of what I told him?”
She’s taken aback by what I asked her. “Where did that come from?”
“I don’t know. It was a thought I had brewing in my brain.”
“Okay. I’d like to hear what you said to him.”
I take a deep breath. “I told him being in love feels like an addiction. A drug you can’t get enough of.
Everything about her consumes you. Her voice.
Her laugh. Her smile. Everything reminds you of her.
You’re able to be your authentic self with her.
She drives you absolutely insane. But, you don’t want to lose her.
You can’t lose her. And you don’t know how to deal with that feeling.
It’s both euphoric and dysphoric at the same time.
It feels like you're losing your goddamn mind.” I take a moment to catch my breath.
“It's like you’re the only two people who exist on this planet.”
She’s left speechless and takes a moment to let what I said sink in. Her eyes become glassy and red. “Has anybody ever told you that you could’ve had a great career as a writer?”
“Nope, not until now.”
She turns away from me, but I walk over in her direction to see her face. A few tears stream down her face, leaving her cheeks glistening from the moisture.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“I promise I’m not getting my period.”
I squint my eyes. “I never said that you were.”
“I do have mood swings and an increased appetite when I PMS, but this isn’t one of those cases.”
“I remember.”
“You do?”
“Mm-hm.”
“I wasn’t diagnosed with PCOS, sorry PMOS, until I entered my twenties. How do you remember?”
Since the healthcare system is constantly evolving, they’ve renamed PCOS to Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome (PMOS) to highlight that the condition is complex and not just defined by ovarian cysts.
The change gives me hope that people I’ve talked to about my condition will take it more seriously and have a better understanding of it.
“What’s PMOS?”
“Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome. It used to be known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It’s a condition where my hormones aren’t balanced. It can cause the mood swings I talked about, irregular periods, acne, among other symptoms.”
“Okay. How did you get diagnosed?”
“I got blood work done, so my gynecologist was able to tell from my hormone levels.” She pauses for a few seconds. “Growing up, it was impossible for me to track my periods because they were so irregular. They aren’t anymore because I started medication that helps regulate them.”
“I remember how bad your periods were. I felt bad because you were in so much pain, and I hated that I couldn’t do much to help you.”
“You took great care of me though.”
“I did?”
She nods, her eyebrows lifting up. “Yeah, you did.”
“You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, kindness, and care.”
“Thank you. So do you.”
I meant what I said.
Violet is one of the most selfless and kindest people I know. She’ll stop at nothing when it comes to the people she cares about. She deserves all the happiness in the world, even if I’m not one of her main sources.