Now
VIOLET
“Sage, can you get the door?”
Things have been a little heated between Sage and I because of the fight we had when I came home last night. Things aren’t normally the best between us, but this is totally different. The air in the room is cold and frigid.
Peeking my head out of my bedroom, I overhear Sage and Grayson’s quick exchange.
“Well, if it isn’t the famous Grayson Becker.”
“I’m not famous, Sage.”
“I beg to differ, especially with how much Violet talks about you.”
“She talks about me to you?”
“She talks about you in general. It’s annoying.” Sage snickers.
I storm out of my room, anger seeping out of me. “Okay, that’s enough.”
Grayson flashes me a smile with his bright white teeth. The same smile that made me fall in love with him.
I’m doomed.
Sage rolls her eyes and walks into her bedroom, slamming the door closed.
“Sorry about her,” I say. “She’s still mad at me.”
“Is it because of the argument you had last night?” he asks, tilting his head at a slight angle.
I nod.
“It’ll get better. Sage holds grudges for a long time, but there are rare occasions where she quickly forgives you.”
“I guess so.”
“By the way, was what she said true? Do you talk about me?”
My cheeks get all flushed. I can feel them warming up like a pan preheating on a hot stove.
“No, of course not.”
“Mm-hm, sure.”
I change the subject. “Anyway, did you eat breakfast yet?”
“Yeah, I ate on the way over here. Have you eaten yet?”
“I have.” I make my way over to the sofa with Grayson slowly trailing behind me. “Before we get into our blast from the past, is it okay if we postpone our therapeutic basketball session for another time? I don’t have the physical energy to do it today.”
“Shit, I forgot we were supposed to do that.” He nods. “Yeah, we can do it another time.”
We sit next to each other, turning towards one another.
“Where did we leave off?” he asks, wanting a refresher.
“I believe the last thing we talked about was my sweet sixteen.”
“Right! Is there anything in particular that you want to talk about?”
There are so many things I want to talk about.
“Not from our past, no.”
“Is there something you want to ask me about that has to do with the present?”
“Maybe. I know I’ll regret it if I ask it though, but I should’ve asked you yesterday, given what happened.”
“Go ahead. Ask me.”
A large lump travels down my throat. “Are you dating anyone right now?”
He licks his top lip for a second. “I’m not. I wouldn’t have cornered you against the door yesterday if I was. Are you dating anyone?”
“No, I’m not,” I say plainly.
“Of course. We can talk about other stuff. Um…how’s work going?”
“Work is great. We’ve been hosting a ton of author signings, release day parties, and other fun events at Sweet & Salty. I love working there. It’s like my second home.”
“I remember when Laura opened Sweet & Salty. The second you walked inside, you had the biggest smile on your face. Your eyes were sparkling from all the excitement.”
“Yeah.” I smile down at the floor before my eyes bounce back up onto Grayson’s face. “I know we kind of talked about basketball, but I never asked you how the season is going.”
“Coach Taylor says we’re on track to win the national championship as long as we stay on course and don’t let anything distract us. The homecoming game will make or break us. If we win, we advance to the semi-finals. If we lose, it’s game over.”
All I know is if I allow all these feelings I had for Grayson to rise to the surface again, it’s game over for me. I can’t let that happen, so I have to keep them buried deep inside. Feelings like that never go away, but they can be hidden from plain sight.
“That sounds stressful. I remember your varsity homecoming game and how stressed out you were. I came into the locker room to check on you, and I thought you were having a heart attack.”
I rewind back in time inside my head to that very moment.
I find Grayson sitting on the floor and run over to him, my heart beating a million miles an hour. “Gray, what’s going on?”
“I-I c-can’t b-breathe.”
“Come sit down.” I guide him over to the bench in front of his locker, rubbing his back in small, circular motions. “Can you tell me what happened?”
He nods, picking his head up. His chest heaves gradually become more sparse, giving himself a few minutes to catch his breath before he answers me. “I-I was about to go out, and the room started spinning. I was l-losing my balance, so I sat down on the f-floor.”
“How’s your breathing now?”
“Better.”
“Good.” I smile at him.
He wraps his arms around me tightly, converting me into a warm blanket.
“I know how much pressure you put on yourself. I also know how much pressure your coach and your team put on you, but you’re one of the strongest people I know. You’re going to go out there and kick their asses tonight. Okay?”
“Okay, Angel.”
“I had quite a few panic attacks back then, but they weren’t as intense as that one was.
I don’t know if I would’ve been able to play if you didn’t come and check on me.
Honestly, Coach Taylor and the team would’ve sent me to the hospital because they probably wouldn’t have known what was going on if this happened now.
You knew exactly what was going on. You recognized the signs.
” He exhales. “Mental health isn’t something that’s discussed that often in the sports world.
There’s this stigma that exists, and I will never understand why it does.
I want to normalize it because I know I’m not the only one who has bad days.
The problem is I know the athletics department won’t prioritize it. ”
When Grayson would let the chaos in his life take full control, his batteries would overheat. Batteries explode if they get too hot, and that’s what would happen to him. It was rare though because he’s the kind of person who likes to bottle things up instead of sharing how he’s feeling.
As someone who also doesn’t love opening up to people about where my head is at, it can be troubling and exhausting.
I learned how to peel back layers of myself, even if it took a bit of time because talking to someone about my struggles can be therapeutic.
It’s through this that I realized I’m not alone, especially when Dani helped me with my nerves at Tidal Wave and my panic attack last night at the guys’ apartment.
“Like most things, it’ll take time. I know you’ll break the stigma. For now, focus on your wellbeing. Is it okay if I ask you something?”
“Always,” he says.
“Have you had any panic attacks since the varsity homecoming game?”
Grayson hesitates at first before he responds to me. “I almost did.”
“When was this?”
“You know when.” He deadpans.
I narrow my eyes at him. “I don’t think I do.”
Grayson stares at me, burning a hole in my face.
Then, it hits me. “Oh.”
I didn’t know what else to say to him, and that was the first thing to come out of my mouth.
“That’s quite the vocabulary you have there.”
“What do you want me to say, Gray?”
“I don’t need you to say anything. Not right now, at least.”
“W-we got off track here. Um…I-I don’t know what to ask or say,” I stammer.
“Okay, I have a question.”
“Ask your question then.”
“Do you know what you want to do when you graduate?” Curiosity takes over the coloration in his eyes.
“I want to start my own PR business in the author space.” I see Grayson’s face go blank, so I explain my decision further.
“I’d offer content creation and social media management to self-published authors.
The possibility of offering beta reading, content pulls, and ARC management are high.
I’d love to add Sage on as our brand and website designer in the future, but I doubt that she’d be interested. ”
“Wow, you really thought this through.”
“Am I sensing sarcasm or…?” I raise an eyebrow.
“No sarcasm here. I find it all really impressive. What inspired you to start your own business?”
“Noah did. He asked me to make his graphics for him for his debut novel, and I said yes before he could even finish the question. I’ve loved being a part of his journey and taking that stress off him. I want to help other authors, so I can do the same for them.”
“You always had this tenacity that people could easily envy. I was never envious of it though, I was enamored by it. You inspired me to have that drive to achieve my dreams.”
I’m speechless. My brain can’t generate any words that could come out of my mouth. I didn’t know I inspired him in any way at all, let alone in that way.
“I-I don’t know what to—”
He cuts me off. “That’s…okay. You don’t have to say anything.”
I grin. “Okay, you asked me what I want to do after I graduate. Now, it’s your turn. Do you have a post-grad plan?”
“If I play good enough, meaning if I climb up the ranks, I’d be able to get drafted into the NBA.
I know I’ve made it if that happens. It’s not that I don’t have faith in myself, I know I can do it.
I just can’t snap my fingers and make it happen.
I wish I could. I’m not sure what I want to do with my nutrition minor yet. ”
“Yeah, I don’t know why I asked you that because I knew you wanted to play in the NBA. As for your minor, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. You’ll figure it out.”
“I guess we both have the career part of our lives figured out, huh?”
“I’d say so. I don’t want things to be set in stone. If life decides to take me on a different path, I’d be open to it.”
“So, if Laura asked you to be assistant manager of Sweet & Salty one day, would you accept her offer?”
“Oh, one-hundred-percent. I’d figure out a way to balance work life there and with my business, but my plan could change down the road.”
“What is it that you love about working there so much?”
“There’s this sense of community. I’m able to connect with other romance readers who live in the area.
I’ve been able to meet authors who I’ve admired for years.
I’ve learned how to order stock and other bookish items, take payments from customers, coordinate events, market the business on social media, manage our socials, update our website when needed, and basically anything else the store needs.
This job has never felt like a job to me. It’s my home.”
“The best kind of job is one that doesn’t feel like a job at all.”
“Yeah, I’m incredibly lucky to work at a place like Sweet & Salty.”
“I can say Laura is not only lucky to have you in general, but she’d be extremely lucky to have you as her equal. And I’m not talking about an assistant manager. I can see you running the store in the future.”
“Thank you. I’ve worked at the store since I was a freshman in high school. The staff has grown immensely, so we have different employees with specific roles, like Willow.”
“Who’s Willow?” he asks, his tone full of curiosity.
“She’s a bookseller, and she goes to SCU. She’s a graphic design major.”
“Ah, I see.”
“Yeah. Laura has taken a few steps back from her role, allowing me to take on more responsibility.”
“I’m proud of you, Vi.”
A smile lights up my face. “Thank you. I’m proud of you, too.”
His cheeks turn a bit pink as he looks away from me.
There’s something about the way our conversation is flowing that tells me time hasn’t flown by for us. It has stood still.
Grayson was the person I could tell everything to because he was so easy to talk to. He wasn’t just the love of my life, he was my best friend.
Those types of relationships are super rare, and I was fortunate enough to experience one. All I can say is I’m glad that experience was with him. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
When he turns his head back into my direction, his dark brown eyes lock with mine. It feels like I took a time machine back to when we were teenagers. And yet, we’re not the same people we were back then.
Grayson gets up from the couch, sitting down on the ottoman and pulling it in front of me.
“I know we said we’d talk about more about the past later, but I do need to say this.
I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday. I was being a jackass, and you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
I wasn’t expecting to see you after all these years.
Honestly, I thought I’d never see you again. ”
“Look, you had every reason to react the way you did. If the roles were reversed, I would’ve reacted similarly. I do appreciate you apologizing though.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“Do what?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Appreciate me for doing the bare minimum.”
“Don’t start with that. You know what I did to you was unforgivable. And yet, for some reason I don’t understand, you’re willing to hear me out. I know what you want to ask me, but it’s going to take a bit of time for us to get there. I hope you can be patient with me.”
“I’m in no rush. We have all the time in the world.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest.
“That’s a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?”
“Well, it’s not like you’re going to run off anytime soon, right?”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good,” he says.
We’ve been chatting for a couple of hours now. Streaks of sunlight beam down on the living room furniture. I can feel the warmth from the streak chilling on my thigh.
I didn’t think I’d be here talking to Grayson because I thought he was going to shoot me down yesterday from talking about our past. It’s not something you can bring up in a natural conversation.
There’s this saying I’ve repeated inside my head for the past six years.
What happens in the past stays in the past.
I don’t believe that. Our past shapes us into who we are in the present. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t go through what I went through in high school.