Now
GRAYSON
I hope Violet didn’t notice how I was untangling myself on the inside when she wiped the sauce off my face.
I did my best to remain calm, cool, and collected. She didn’t mention anything about how I was acting, so I guess I did a good job of hiding the reality of what was actually going on inside my head.
The reflection of the sunlight in her beautiful, blue eyes made it impossible for me to look away from her. It’s like this unbreakable spell that she’s unable to control.
For some reason, I was convinced that she was flirting with me.
I know I was flirting, which is a natural instinct for me whenever I’m around her.
It’s not intense in any way. It’s definitely mild.
And it needs to stay that way, because I know if it gets intense, I won’t be able to revert back to mild flirting.
When I discovered my initial crush on Violet, I tried my best to casually flirt with her and hand out hints about how I felt about her.
The only thing is, I was terrible at it.
I stumbled over my words, the clumsiness would come out, and I’d be embarrassed for an indefinite amount of time.
Luckily, the more I hung out with her as a teenager, the more confident I got with talking to her like a normal human being.
Now, all of these feelings are being unlocked from the box I buried deep inside of me a long time ago.
I have no idea what to do about it either.
I can’t act on them because there’s still a part of me that’s angry at her for the past. Then, there’s the other part that’s convinced she doesn’t feel the same love for me that we felt for each other when we were teenagers.
Emotions are so goddamn confusing.
One second I’m so mad at her that I can’t talk to her, and the next second all I want to do is have a conversation with her. It doesn’t have to be intellectual either. We could be talking about the weather, and it would be interesting because she makes mundane topics interesting.
All I know is that I need to get some sleep, so I’m all charged up for tomorrow.
I know if I start scrolling on Instagram now, it’ll be an hour.
Man, sometimes I wish I could go back to the simpler times when social media didn’t exist. It’s great to see what family and friends are up to, but my attention span is so short now.
It’s a miracle that I’m able to pay attention when I’m in class.
The front door slams shut, followed by Noah and Xander whispering amongst themselves.
Oh, shit. I forgot we left everybody behind at the after-party.
Rolling my eyes, I remove the covers from my body and peek my head out of my bedroom. “You guys are the loudest whisperers I’ve ever met.”
“Sorry bro, we thought you were asleep,” Xander says.
“Let me say it again. You guys are so fucking loud. There’s no chance I could’ve been sleeping right now.”
“We’ll try to keep it down next time.” Xander points his index finger at me, wiggling it in front of my face. “Well, I’m tired as hell, so I’m heading to bed. I’ll see you boys in the morning.”
Noah shakes his head with a displeasing expression taking over his face. “Yeah, you look like you could use some beauty sleep.”
“Screw you.” Xander shoves Noah out of the way, walking into his bedroom and shutting the door behind him.
Noah follows me as I go into my bedroom. He stands at the doorway, while I get into bed again.
“So, how was the party?” I ask with a fake smile.
“We all stayed upstairs the entire time because it was much louder downstairs. I debated on leaving with Dani earlier, but I stuck it out. You definitely didn’t miss anything.”
“I figured.”
“Are you okay? I know they played the song.”
“When I heard it, I wasn’t okay. I ran out of the house to clear my head, and Violet came and checked on me. I’m okay now though.”
“Are you sure? I should’ve checked on you.”
“Yeah. Seriously, don’t beat yourself up about this.”
“Alright. Not to change the subject, but what did you and Violet do when you got back here?”
“Why?” I raise an eyebrow, tilting my head at a slight angle.
“Curious minds want to know.”
“We ordered dinner and chatted. I somehow roped her into seeing my mom with me tomorrow.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“What? Are you my therapist now?”
“No, Grayson. It’s a genuine question.”
“Uh, I don’t know. For starters, I know how much my mom misses her. And I know how much Violet would love to see her.”
“So, you’re doing this for your mom, Violet, or for you?”
“I’m doing this for them.”
“So, you invited Violet to see your mom tomorrow. Got it. Did anything else happen?”
My eyes lower themselves onto Noah’s feet, and I zone out.
Do I tell Noah what happened between Violet and I? If I tell him, then I make it a big deal, and it’s not anything like that. If I don’t tell him, then I wouldn’t be making it a big deal.
The thing is, Noah has known me since I was little, so he knows when I’m lying.
“Gray!” he shouts, staring at me.
Shaking my head, I snap myself out of my thoughts. “What?”
“Did anything else happen between you and Violet?”
“Nope.”
“Yeah, you’re full of shit. I know you’re lying to me.”
I can’t get anything past you, can I?
I grunt. “It’s not a big deal, man. I had barbecue sauce all over my face, and Violet wiped it off with a napkin. Okay?”
Noah lets out a loose, breathy laugh. “How is that not a big deal? You know a similar thing happened to Dani and I before we got together, right?”
“Yeah, and your point is…?”
“Touching someone like that may seem like it’s nothing, but it’s not.
It’s intimate, and I know you don’t want to admit that to yourself because you don’t want to allow yourself to feel like the way you used to about her again.
I understand why. You’re still hurting, but you can’t deny that you feel something for her, even after all these years you spent apart from one another. ”
“Damn, you sounded like me there. I remember when I gave you that whole speech about what being in love can feel like.”
“Yeah, that speech changed my life.”
“No, it didn’t. Who’s full of shit now?”
“I’m telling the truth. I would’ve been burying my feelings and not admitting to myself how I truly felt about Dani if it wasn’t for you.”
“Ah, I see what you’re doing.”
“I’m not doing anything,” he says unsuspectingly.
“Can we talk about this more tomorrow? It’s late, and I have to be fully functional when I visit my mom.”
“Mm-hm, sure. Night.” He exaggerates his words before he shuts my door.
If we would’ve continued the conversation and had it turned out like he wanted it to, there would’ve been no sleep in my future.
I can’t decipher whatever I may feel for Violet because I don’t want to get my hopes up.
I don’t want to have high expectations for something and be disappointed in the end.
Tomorrow is about my mom, and nothing’s going to change that.
As my eyes slowly open, I turn towards the window to my left and notice streaks of bright yellow sunlight peeking through the curtains.
I scrub my face with my hands and raise my body up from my bed, stretching my arms out as high as possible. I let out a deep breath as my eyes take their time to work as they normally should when I’m awake.
Unplugging my phone from its charger, I take a quick glance, and the time reads 9:15 a.m.
A knock on my door causes me to jump a little. My eyes are working now, my pupils letting in the light coming in from the windows in my room. The door creaks as it opens.
“Good morning!” Xander shouts, standing like a superhero in my doorway.
“Somebody must’ve slept well last night.”
“Oh, I slept very well. I basically conked out the second I got into my bed. How did you sleep?”
“I’d say I slept pretty well, too.”
“That’s good. Noah told me you’re going to visit your mom at the shelter with Violet today. How did that come about?”
“How did what come about?”
“Um, how did you get Violet to agree to go with you?”
“There’s this concept called asking a question to someone.”
“Okay, smartass. You can answer my question then.”
“I literally answered it with my sarcastic comment. I asked her if she wanted to join me, and she said yes. It’s been a while since my mom has seen her and vice versa.”
“You’re so cranky in the morning.”
I’ll feel much better once I have food in my system.
“Whatever.” I rip the covers off my body and walk into the bathroom across the hall.
“You know it’s not good to be cranky like that. You’d benefit a lot from meditation.”
“Thank you so much for the tip I didn’t ask for.” I close the bathroom door in Xander’s face and lock it.
I complete most of my usual morning routine in about ten minutes. The last thing I need to do is brush my teeth. The second the minty toothpaste on my toothbrush lands on my teeth, the sensation tickles my tongue.
When I open the door, I’m met with Noah staring at me. “Were you waiting for me?”
“No, I was waiting for the bathroom to become available,” he says.
“We have two bathrooms.”
“Xander is in the other one.”
“It’s all yours.” I present the bathroom to him like we’re on a gameshow, and he’s the contestant seeing what the prize is.
“Why, thank you very much.”
I make my way back into my bedroom to get dressed, so I don’t have to worry about that later on.
Crap, what am I going to wear?
I have the most basic outfits because I don’t care about impressing anybody most of the time. I guess I can wear a white T-shirt with light-wash jeans and sneakers. Once I grab all the pieces to the puzzle, I hold them up to my floor-length mirror.
I need something to cover up this mess on my head.
I look on top of my dresser and see my favorite baseball cap chilling there.
It’s navy blue and has my jersey number, twenty-two, stitched on the front in white.
Coach Taylor gave this to me when he promoted me to Team Captain.
It’s one of my most prized possessions because it symbolizes how far I’ve come on my basketball journey.