Chapter 35
Iswallow the final bite of hot dog, then snuggle into the oversize sweatshirt I’m wearing. It’s chilly now that the sun has disappeared and the breeze blowing off the water isn’t tempered by its heat.
The bonfire Tucker and Bowen built to roast the hot dogs is functional, not just pretty to look at.
I remember the beauty of the blue flames from other visits. But it doesn’t compare to seeing it in person again, the flicker of aqua mixed in with orange a mystical sight.
We just got back from the pier, where we watched the fireworks. They set them off as soon as it was dark out because there’s a chance of rain later in the evening, so we waited to eat dinner until afterward.
“Can you roast me another one?”
“Yeah,” I hear Ryder reply. “You’re sure you don’t want to try?”
“I’m sure,” Knox says. “I lit the last one on fire.”
Ryder’s chuckle is low, and it wreaks havoc on my insides. I watch him out of the corner of my eye as he carefully roasts Reese’s son a hot dog, seemingly oblivious to the hero worship being aimed his way. It’s obvious Knox reveres Ryder. Aside from his mom, Ryder is the one adult I’ve heard him talk to.
He’ll make a good dad.
It’s not the first time I’ve thought that about Ryder. It’s a little less scary as an adult instead of a seventeen-year-old, but not by much.
Unlike me, Ryder hasn’t bundled up. The flex of his forearm is visible in the warm glow of the fire as he rotates his arm.
I finish off the hard seltzer I’ve been sipping on and stand, planning to head up to the house to use the bathroom.
“Tuck, can you grab the s’mores stuff?” Keira asks.
“I can get it,” I volunteer. “I’m headed up to use the bathroom anyway.”
“Thanks, Elle.”
I nod, then continue walking through the sand. I attempt to brush it off my feet before climbing the deck steps, but I don’t do a great job.
Reese is standing at the island, pouring water into a glass, when I enter the kitchen.
“Hey,” I say, sending a small smile her way.
I’ve always been aware she didn’t like me. I’m no longer worried she and Ryder are in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean Reese doesn’t have feelings for him. Or maybe she just dislikes me because I’ll always be a One to her.
“Hi,” Reese replies. Her tone is polite. Cool.
I walk over to the cabinet, searching for the s’mores ingredients.
“Weird that we’re both here, huh?”
“Not that weird,” I say. “I’m glad you and Knox could come.”
“I didn’t want to. Tuck insisted, and Ryder promised he would be here.”
I find the marshmallows and chocolate, then keep searching for the graham crackers. “Well, it seemed to work out. Tucker is a good friend to have.”
“Keira is lucky to have him. He’s not marrying up.”
I grab the box of graham crackers then turn around to face her. “No one said that he is. But he’s lucky to have Keira too.”
I don’t care if Reese’s prejudice is a product of her upbringing. Of the hierarchy I’m too familiar with. If she wants to insult my best friend in front of me, we’re going to have a problem.
Reese tilts her head to study me. “I was never jealous of you, you know. Everyone was. Everyone talked about you. All the girls were jealous of your flashy car and your big house and your expensive clothes and your perfect hair. And all the guys had a crush on you. But I thought your life looked a little … empty. Too perfect, you know?”
I cross my arms and raise an eyebrow. “Do I know what my life is like? Yeah, I do.”
“I was never jealous of you … until that day at the pond. I’d seen Ryder stare at you, but I figured he was just checking you out. But the way he talked to you, I’d never seen him act like that with anyone before. And I was so jealous. I’m not now. I have Knox, and Ryder and I will always be friends. He’s never once looked at me the way he’s been looking at you all day. So … what are you doing?”
“I—what?”
“What are you doing? Why aren’t you and Ryder together?”
“We’re … it’s complicated.”
Reese shakes her head. “Is it?”
Is it?
“If you want me, I’m yours.”
I told Ryder I’d never forgive him for breaking my heart again. But forgetting him has been the problem. Seven years, and I haven’t figured out how to forget him.
“I’ll bring those out.” Reese reaches for the s’mores supplies sitting on the counter.
“Thanks,” I say.
I’m not sure exactly what I’m thanking her for. Reese doesn’t either, based on the flash of uncertainty in her expression.
But she nods and says, “You’re welcome,” before walking out onto the deck.
I use the downstairs bathroom, then head back outside.
Tucker has pulled a guitar out from somewhere. I had no idea he played guitar, and it turns out, he actually can’t. He just strums random strings as a laughing Keira records him on her phone.
I don’t walk back to my empty seat. I approach Ryder, who’s still sitting next to Knox.
He glances over when I’m still a few feet away, watching me near him. My stomach flips, catching the apprehension on his face. The bob of his Adam’s apple as he swallows.
My fingers twist nervously, and I’m glad the long hems of my sleeves cover my hands. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Ryder responds.
“I was, uh … you wanna take a walk? With me?”
He stands so fast that I take an automatic step back. “Yeah.”
“Okay.”
I walk ahead of him, mindful of the curious stares following us. Ryder catches up to me after a few feet, but says nothing. We pass a few strangers, but it’s mostly an empty stretch of sand. Our group decided to skip the barbecue and concert downtown. I’m guessing that’s where most people are tonight.
The bonfire is barely a pinprick of light down the beach by the time I stop. If I were out here alone, I’d be nervous.
“Want to sit?” I suggest.
“Sure.”
“You’re really agreeable tonight,” I tell him. “It’s weird.”
One corner of his mouth lifts. “You want me to argue with you?”
“Sometimes.”
“Noted.” He takes a seat on the sand, close to the water, but not so near that there’s a risk of getting wet.
“Room there?” I point to the spot between his legs.
A flash of surprise appears. “Uh-huh.”
He widens the V, and I step into it before sinking down into the sand.
I lean back against his chest, and his arms wrap around me naturally.
I shiver, both from the cold and from the thrill of him touching me. His body heat soaks into me slowly, like a sponge meeting water.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
Ryder stiffens slightly, betraying the surprise I hear in his tone a second later. “For what?”
“I handled today … terribly. I wasn’t … I don’t …” I exhale. “Last night was a lot.”
I relax, so he’s supporting all of my weight. Rest my hands on his thighs and slide them down until they’re stretched straight, brushing his kneecaps.
“I know it was.”
“Not just that we didn’t use protection. That we had sex at all. It’d been a long time. For me.”
Ryder is silent, and I start to regret this choice of position. It would be nice to be able to see some of his face right now. Staring at the sea isn’t offering any insight into what he’s thinking.
“It’d been a long time for me too,” he finally says. “Surprised I lasted longer than thirty seconds.”
I smile even though he can’t see me. I want to be honest with him about this. I’m no longer scared of him knowing how much I care. “I’m talking about a long time, Ryder. Like back when we were together.”
“I’m talking about that long too.”
I twist so I can see some of his face. Basically just his jaw, but better than nothing. “What?”
“I’ve never been with anyone but you.”
If possible, I’m even more shocked now. “What-what are you talking about?”
Ryder never said so, but I assumed he wasn’t a virgin our first time. He seemed so confident and experienced. And I figured there were lots of girls in Florida. Assumed one of the first things he did after getting out of prison was get laid.
“I never wanted anyone else,” he says. “Not the way I wanted you.”
I trace a circle on his leg with my pointer finger. “I need to know if you’re going to keep running, Ry. Because I can’t go through it all again. Our whole pattern. It has to … it has to have a different ending this time. You can’t disappear to avoid saying goodbye. You can’t decide shutting me out is what is best for me. You can’t break my heart again.”
He exhales heavily enough that I rise and fall against his chest. “My plan was to leave, Lo. Before I found out about my mom’s cancer, all I wanted was a fresh start.”
“More than you want me?” I ask.
“No. There’s nothing I want more than you. I just … I have no idea what to do with the rest of my life.”
“Me neither,” I reply.
Ryder scoffs. “You went to Harvard Law, Elle. I have no degree and a criminal record. It’s not the same.”
“I didn’t say it was.”
“You asked me to be honest. And I’m trying to be realistic about what my life will look like.”
I tilt my head again, trying to see his face. It’s too shadowed to see much more than the outline of his profile. “You seriously think I care about what you do for work?”
“I care. I want to be able to offer you something. Don’t you get that?”
I turn fully, swinging my legs over his thighs so I’m straddling him. “I want you, Ryder. I can’t be around you and not want you. You told me you didn’t want me, and I still wanted you. I showed up at your trailer to have tea with your mom for seven years, just so I could be in a place where you existed. I wrote you letters you never responded to because one-sided communication was better than none at all. I still have that paper flower you made me in the drawer next to my bed. I’ve sabotaged every relationship I’ve ever been in because those guys never made me feel the way that you do. And parts of that are humiliating, but it’s all real. It’s real, and it’s exhausting. I’m so tired, tired of choosing you and it never being the happy ending. Of picking myself back up and having to keep going alone.”
“Lo …” His voice sounds choked as he swipes away my tears with his thumbs. “You’ve always been my only choice, okay? I’ve never picked anyone else.”
He kisses me first, the collision of our mouths sloppy and urgent and frenzied. Real. Reality, not a fairy tale. A little imperfect, just like us.
“Fuck,” Ryder groans as I grind on his lap. “Elle,you can’t keep doing that.”
“Or what?”
“I don’t have anything,” he says, leaning forward to kiss my collarbone.
My nipples pebble as shivers run down my spine. This time, they have nothing to do with the chilly wind coming off the waves.
“Dude, we were just at a pharmacy.”
He chuckles, low and wry. “It didn’t seem like the right time to suggest a repeat performance.”
“Might have made dinner last night less awkward.”
“Or you might have stabbed me with a steak knife.”
I shiver again, this time from the cold. “That really would have freaked Tucker and Keira out.”
“I think they find us entertaining.”
“Does that mean you also got the what’s going on with you guys talk?”
“Sort of,” he replies. “You?”
“Yeah. From Reese actually.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh.”
Ryder’s stomach grumbles. He rubs his jaw, his smile sheepish. “Feel like a s’more? I’m still hungry.”
“Only if I can eat it off your abs.”
His laugh sounds kind of pained. “Lo, seriously. Stop talking about your tongue on any part of my body.”
I giggle as he stands, pulling me upright with him.
And we start back toward the beach house, following the pair of footprints in the sand that led us here.
Running when the raindrops begin to fall, our hands swinging between us like the lovesick kids we used to be.