11. McKenzie
ELEVEN
McKenzie
Luca’s breath tickled my neck before he sank his teeth into my tender flesh with just the right amount of pressure. His palms slid under my T-shirt, smooth against my back as his fingers expertly found the clasp of my bra.
I let out a little gasp as he freed my breasts, my hands gripping fistfuls of his luscious dark hair.
“The truth is, McKenzie, when I fuck you, I want you to be able to remember every perfect fucking minute of it.” His voice was a low growl against my ear that caused my core to tighten. “Can you do that for me?”
“Yes.” The word came out in a ragged whisper.
“I want you to memorize the way I fuck you,” he said, his thumbs rolling over my nipples. “God, I can’t wait to taste you.”
His name was a prayer on my lips as I begged him to take me. “Please, Luca.”
“You rang?”
I shot up like a lightning bolt, nearly falling off the bed, to find Luca in jeans, a T-shirt, and no shoes standing in the shadows of the doorway to my bedroom.
“Luca!” I scrambled to cover my bare legs with the blanket. Binx glared at me from his spot beside me on the mattress.
“Uh, yeah.” He blinked. “Were you expecting someone else?”
“No…I…of course not.”
My head pounded, and the inside of my mouth felt like a hayfield on fire in the middle of a drought.
“I brought you some water,” he said, nodding toward the nightstand.
“Thanks.” I grabbed the full glass of water, chugging it down despite the protests from my churning stomach.
“I was just about to come get you, actually. I ordered in some coffee, breakfast sandwiches, and a couple pastries.” He stretched and the ripple of his bicep nearly made me drool.
I cleared my throat. “Oh wow. You didn’t have to do that.”
“Thought you might be ready for some food after all that alcohol.” A grin crept across his face. “I figured last night made you work up an appetite.”
Oh.
Oh my God.
Did I? Did we ?
The color drained from my face. Images from the night before flashed through my mind in blurry snapshots. The Piccadilly Deli. Burgers and Bushwackers. Trying to forget. Shots— soooo many shots. Helena’s Sweet Revenge at The Basement. Luca.
“Right,” I said, my already hot cheeks smoldering as I recalled the way he’d shown up at my table looking like a daydream. The way he’d placed his hand on the small of my back like it belonged there. Talking together in the car. His warm hands in mine as we danced.
But that was when things turned fuzzy. How had I gotten into my apartment? Those stairs were steep on a good day, let alone when I was hammered.
“You want me to bring your breakfast to you?” he asked, like this was just our normal Friday morning routine.
“No, no,” I answered too fast. “I’ll be there in just a sec.”
He raised his brows. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Just a little woozy is all. I probably need to eat.”
“All right,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Well, it’s ready when you are.”
He disappeared from view, and I flopped back like a dead fish. My hair stuck to my neck, damp with sweat, and the scent of whiskey emanated from my pores. I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing the heels of my palms into my sockets as I tried to conjure up more memories. They trickled in, one by one. Being folded into the passenger side of Luca’s Tesla. Luca’s arms around me as he all but carried me up the damp pathway.
My brain was a browser with too many tabs open, the cursor spinning. All I knew was I’d give anything to control-alt-delete my way out of this and start over.
I tossed the covers aside and slid out of bed, tiptoeing toward the door. Binx judged me through slanted eyes as I made my way outside the room with my back against the wall and peeked into the kitchen.
Luca was facing away from me as he unpacked a brown paper sack, pausing to take a sip of coffee. He seemed relaxed as Earl Grey studied him from the floor, hoping for a crumb. His locks were disheveled, but whose hair wasn’t a mess after they’d just woken up? It didn’t mean we’d had sex.
It was just a dream, right?
I took another step closer, the floorboards creaking beneath my feet.
He turned and smiled when he heard me. “There’s a bacon, egg, and cheese situation over here or sausage if you’d rather have that.”
Was his inflection weird when he said ‘sausage’? Gah. Shut up, McKenzie.
“Sausage sounds great,” I said, padding over to the counter.
Seriously? “Bacon,” I blurted out. “I mean bacon.”
He handed me a foil-wrapped sandwich and a large take-out coffee cup.
“I wasn’t sure how you took your coffee, so I got a pour over,” he said.
I took a drink, the caffeine going straight to my addled brain.
He turned back to the bag and plucked out some sort of jumbo muffin. “I love these things, but really, they’re just breakfast cupcakes.”
“Fuck,” I cursed, slamming my breakfast on the counter. My eyes darted to the clock on the microwave. It was just after 10 a.m. I was late for work. And not just a little. “Oh my God. Katie’s going to fire me.”
“I’m sure she won’t.”
“Damn it,” I wailed as I ran back to the bedroom and began a mad search for my phone.
Binx jumped off the bed, officially over my shit.
Same, buddy. Same.
“Looking for this?” Luca asked with a playful smile, leaning against the doorframe with my phone in his hand. “It must’ve fallen out of your pocket when you took off your pants last night. I found it on the floor this morning.”
I took off my pants?! Fuck me. I mentally slapped a palm to my head. He probably already did, and I just don’t remember it.
I didn’t have time to think about that. I had to text Katie, so I snatched the device out of his grip and opened the message app.
There were several unread texts already waiting for me, but only one from Katie. I held my breath as I swiped to open the message.
Good morning, sunshine! You’ve been killing it lately and you stepped up big time recently when I needed you. Dal and I are in this weekend, and we have a full staff, so I want you to take today and tomorrow off. Enjoy a (paid) long weekend. Thanks for being amazing!
I reread the text three more times before lifting my gaze to Luca. “You didn’t…Luca. Please tell me you didn’t tell Katie we…that you didn’t tell Katie anything.”
He tilted his perfectly shaped head. “What are you talking about?”
I turned the phone so the screen faced him. “She gave me today and tomorrow off. For literally no reason. Sounds fishy to me.”
“Or lucky, depending on how you look at it.”
“I haven’t had enough coffee for this.” I pushed past him and stormed back into the kitchen, taking a swig from my cup.
“You’re overthinking this,” Luca said, joining me, and picking up his muffin. “It sounds like Katie just wanted to do something nice for you as a way of saying thanks for all the shit you’ve been doing while they’ve been away helping me get…” He paused and cleared his throat. “While I’ve started working to get my shit together.”
I studied him for a moment. He’d never said why he was visiting beyond mentioning he’d been having a hard time and needed to not be alone. I hadn’t pressed because it didn’t feel like my place, but I did wonder. He dropped his gaze to his feet, which indicated it might still not be the right time to ask. So, instead, I shifted my focus to the fact-finding mission at hand.
What had actually happened last night?
“On a scale from one to ten, how much did I embarrass myself last night?” I asked, taking another pull from my coffee. “Like, twenty-three?”
“Nah.” He grinned. “Only like a six. Seven, tops.”
I scrubbed my hands down my face. “Great.”
He laughed. “I’m kidding. It wasn’t that bad.”
“How bad is not that bad?”
“You don’t remember?” he asked, his top teeth scraping over his lower lip.
Had I kissed that perfect mouth last night? It seems like something that would be engraved into my memory forever like a secret message in a locket. One meant for me and only me.
“I gotta be honest,” I said, “after leaving The Basement, I don’t remember much.”
He nodded, leaning against the counter beside me. “Well, by the time we got here, you were pretty far gone.” An amused smirk spread over his face. “In fact, I did have to carry you up those steps.”
“Oh God.”
“But that was after you, um, puked in the bushes,” he said with a wince, as though that somehow made this knowledge less embarrassing.
“Fuck,” I cried, my cheeks burning hot. “I’m sorry you had to see that. Shit, why didn’t you just leave me out there to rot with the worms? This is so embarrassing.”
“Trust me,” he said. “I’ve seen much worse. I’ve been worse.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better? Because it doesn’t.” I took a ginormous bite of my bagel sandwich, grease dripping down my chin. Whatever. It’s not like he hasn’t seen worse.
“You were fine,” he assured me. “I got you upstairs, you…chilled in the bathroom for a bit, then went to bed. I slept on the couch.”
So, we hadn't had sex. Whew. It was all a dream. One I wished was real, but I’d rather be able to remember it, so I could replay it like a movie for the rest of my life. Not that I’d ever get the chance to make it a reality. Especially after what he’d witnessed the night before.
“Actually, Earl Grey kept me company.”
“Wow, really?” I asked. “He’s usually a little weird about strangers.” Visitors were allowed in my apartment so infrequently that both of my cats were generally put off by any sort of unexpected company. I was sure my cats were also pretty displeased with me. First, I’d brought home a stranger, and then I’d interrupted our usual nightly routine of me singing made-up songs to them while I washed my face before our bedtime snuggles.
“Well, we must have met in a past life then, because I woke up with him sleeping on top of my head,” he said. “I’ve never been a big animal person, but I think that cat could bring me over to the dark side.”
“Speaking of, I better feed these guys before they decide to pack up and go home with you.” I grabbed their bowls from the spot by the fridge and padded over to the small pantry, scooping some food into each of their bowls. They happily received it, Binx letting out one of his signature chirps, and Earl Grey purring like a boat motor.
And just like that, I was back in their good graces. Animals were so much easier than people.
“You did say something last night that I wanted to ask you about, though,” Luca said, pinching off a bite of his muffin and tossing it into his mouth.
Oh no. I’d thought the potential for more embarrassment had already passed. What the hell could I have said? Glimmers of my dream returned to me, and my palms started to sweat.
“What was that?” I asked, trying to play it cool as I returned to my coffee.
“You said something about wanting to forget.”
I nodded and closed my eyes. The reason for my drunken display of idiocy burned through me like the whiskey down my throat. I’d made it through the night, but there Brennan was, waiting for me the next day. I never forgot for long—not that I wanted to. But sometimes, I did think about how much easier life would have been if I could’ve forgotten. Maybe I wouldn’t be so fucking scared of letting people in, constantly afraid of the singular moment that would rip them from my life forever.
“What were you trying to forget?” he asked.
I froze, placing my coffee cup down. Outside of my mother and my friends from group, no one else knew. Not even Katie, despite how close we’d become. But Luca had watched me spiral out of control the night before, and he hadn’t left. He’d stuck by my side and taken care of me. I owed him some honesty.
“Come here,” I said, walking over to the wall that held all of my thrifted art finds and beloved pictures.
“This is my brother, Brennan.” I pointed to my favorite of me and Brennan when we were teenagers. “He passed away fifteen years ago yesterday.”
“McKenzie, I’m sorry,” he said softly. “How old was he?”
“Seventeen,” I answered. “He had his whole life ahead of him. He never even got to see his favorite band play a show. Never got to have his own apartment. He used to play guitar. He was good too. I swear, he could have been in a band one day if he’d wanted to.”
“How did he…I mean, what happened?” he asked with a shake of his head. “If that’s not too personal to ask.”
I reached out, touching my finger to the distressed wood frame. The photo was taken over Labor Day weekend, a little more than a month before I lost him. Brennan, Mom, and I were never big outdoorsy people, so we’d stayed in, playing games and watching old movies. I don’t even remember what was happening when our mother took the photo of us. Brennan, who was wearing his favorite My Chemical Romance shirt, was looking directly at her. But my eyes were on him, my lips stretched in a cheesy grin. I’d probably caught him cheating at Monopoly again or maybe he’d just told us one of his ridiculous one-liners that could put all dad jokes to shame. He was the only person who ever made me smile like that.
I turned to Luca, hot tears filling my eyes. “He took his own life. I was the one who found…” I trailed off and drew in a breath, moisture sliding down my cheeks.
He swallowed hard. “Were the two of you close?”
I nodded. “I had no idea he was so depressed—that he felt like that. He was my best friend. He knew me better than anyone. Aside from our mom, he was the only person who made me feel safe enough to be myself. But I…I couldn’t keep him safe, and I lost him.”
Luca didn’t say a word. He simply pulled me into his arms, his chin resting on top of my head. I sank into him, letting him hold me as I wailed into his chest. Maybe it was the raging hangover I had or the fact that in less than twenty-four hours, Luca had seen me at my absolute worst. Or maybe it was because there was something about him that made me think he might understand the darkest shadows of my heart because he lived in darkness too.
Only when my sobs quieted did he pull away, and even then, it was so he could look into my eyes.
“I need you to hear me when I say this, McKenzie,” he said. “I didn’t know your brother, but I can tell you his death was not your fault. When someone makes up their mind about something like that…He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to know.”
“But I should have seen the signs.”
“You’re not hearing me. He didn’t give you any because he never wanted to hurt you. He loved you too much to do that. When people feel like that, they aren’t thinking about the pain it will cause anyone else. They just want their pain to end. They want to stop feeling like a fucking burden. They’re not trying to be selfish because they think the most selfless thing they could possibly do is to remove their broken fucking pieces from the picture.”
His face disappeared behind a wall of my tears. “I don’t believe you. I could have done something. I should have done something.”
He placed his hands on both sides of my face, pressing his forehead to mine.
“I’m telling you there’s nothing you or anyone else could have done,” he whispered, his words full of anguish. “Because there was nothing anyone could have done for me.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice hoarse.
“My friends had left every door open for me, but it didn’t matter. I pushed them away. I didn’t want to be here anymore.” His eyes turned glassy. “Existing in this mind, this body, that tried to sabotage me at every turn. That’s why I disappeared. You know how hard Katie and Dallas tried to reach me, but I lied to them. I told them I was traveling when I was really rotting away at home.”
I blinked, unsure what to say.
“I didn’t speak to anyone for months because I didn’t want to. People can try to help, but we have to be able to receive it.” His thumbs stroked the tender skin beneath my eyes. “I’m so sorry you lost your brother. I can’t imagine the grief you’ve felt all these years. But his death wasn’t your fault.”
It wasn’t until I heard him say it that I began to wonder if it was true. Luca seemed to understand Brennan in a way I’d never been able to. He’d felt that way before.
“You really think so?” I asked.
“I know so,” he answered, pulling me back into his arms.
I leaned into him, allowing his embrace to carry the weight of my pain, while I also made space for his. I didn’t know how long we stayed like that, holding each other’s broken hearts together. When I finally looked back up at him, I made a silent vow to myself.
There may have been nothing I could have done to save my brother, but I’d do everything in my power to keep Luca from ever feeling that way again.