Chapter 36
Clive folded a pair of jeans and stuffed them as neatly as he could into the holdall.
‘Okay, will that be enough?’ he wondered aloud, frowning. It was hard to say because he had no idea how long he’d be in Somerset. The truth was, Bethany might take one look at him and send him straight back to Yorkshire. On the other hand, if she’d listen to him and believe him, if she’d forgive him, he might be able to stay a couple of days. She might even come back with him.
His stomach churned at the thought. What if she wouldn’t listen, though? Or what if she heard everything he had to say and believed him but then said what he’d done was unforgivable and she could never love a man like him.
Could he blame her? Not really. She’d already been through so much, what with Joseph letting her down with Glenn, and then Ted and Helena.
His jaw tightened whenever he thought about Bethany’s ex-husband and her so-called best friend. He knew she thought the world of them and had forgiven them everything, but from what he’d heard he couldn’t imagine why. She seemed completely oblivious to the way they’d treated her. He supposed she loved them, and love could make you blind to another’s faults. Sometimes.
‘Toothbrush and toothpaste,’ he said and headed into the bathroom to collect them. Once he’d packed a bag of toiletries he thought that should do it. He zipped up the holdall and carried it through to the living room.
‘Car keys, wallet…’
There was a knock on the door and Ben called, ‘Clive, are you there?’
Clive rolled his eyes. Where else would he be? He’d promised Ben he’d pop his head round the surgery door to let him know when he was heading off. He hoped there wasn’t a sudden emergency downstairs because it was going to be evening before he reached Chimneys as it was, and if this Helena woman wouldn’t let him in he’d have to search for a bed for the night. Either that or sleep in the car.
‘Aye, right here. Come in.’
He continued hunting for his keys and wallet, expecting Ben to walk in. Vaguely he heard voices outside the door and paused, puzzled. What was going on out there? Then there was the distinct sound of Ben’s footsteps on the stairs. He was going back to the surgery. What was that all about?
Sighing he realised he’d have to check Ben was all right and hurried to the door. As he pulled it open to shout down, his mouth dropped open. Bethany was standing there, her hand raised as if she was about to knock on the door. She hurriedly dropped it and stared up at him.
‘Hello, Clive.’
‘Beth! What are you doing here?’
‘Don’t sound too pleased to see me,’ she joked, clearly nervous.
He gulped. ‘Sorry. Come in, please.’
Feeling dazed he led her into the living room. She stared pointedly at the holdall.
‘Are you going somewhere?’
Bloody hell! How stupid did he feel now? Oh well, she already thought the worst of him. Might as well be a source of amusement to her, too.
‘Aye,’ he said heavily. ‘I was. I was going down to Somerset to see you.’
Her eyes widened. ‘You were?’
‘I wanted you to listen,’ he told her, tilting his chin determinedly. ‘You might not like what you hear but you deserve to hear it anyway. What you do next will be your choice.’
He couldn’t have been more amazed when she rushed towards him and threw her arms around his waist.
‘Oh, Clive! That’s what I love about you. You have no idea how much.’
What I love about you? Present tense? Clive hadn’t a clue what this was all about, but he closed his eyes and offered a silent prayer of gratitude as he held her tightly.
‘What are you doing here?’ he asked her eventually, unable to believe his luck.
‘Don’t you know?’ She raised her face, gazing up at him with tear-filled eyes. ‘I missed you. I was so stupid, Clive, and I’m so very sorry.’
‘Aw, Beth…’ He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell her he’d missed her, too, and how much he loved her, but he had to be honest with her first. She had to know the truth about him and what he’d done before she said anything else she’d probably regret later. ‘Sit down. We’ve a lot to talk about.’
She pulled him onto the sofa beside her and took hold of his hand as if she’d never let it go.
‘Can I go first?’ she asked. ‘There’s so much swilling around in my head and I need to tell you before I go pop.’
This wasn’t what he’d expected at all. He’d had a whole speech rehearsed and this wasn’t going the way he’d imagined, but as she gave him a beseeching look with those beautiful dark blue eyes he could only nod.
Immediately Bethany began to tell him what she’d discovered at Chimneys. How Helena and Ted had colluded to keep Joseph away from her, and how they’d hidden his letters all these years. Clive’s jaw tightened with anger as he thought of how his friend had been treated. He imagined Joseph’s growing despair as each letter went unanswered and his heart broke for him, and for Bethany, who’d believed all that time that her brother didn’t love her.
She told him what she’d finally realised about her relationship with Ted and Helena, and Clive could only be thankful that, at last, she’d opened her eyes to what had really been going on.
Finally she revealed she’d visited the family grave at All Hallows and told him about her chat with Zach.
‘I think I shocked him when I burst out laughing,’ she confessed, ‘but really, it was such a relief! All this time I’ve assumed Joseph had been buried with both my parents, but knowing he’d refused to put Father with Mother, and best of all, that he’d scattered his ashes at sea, well it made my day!’
She gave a peal of laughter, and despite his anxieties, Clive couldn’t help but laugh with her.
‘He did. Took him to Whitby and got a boat out to sea. We both went. Made a day of it actually. We got back on land after the deed had been done and I saw a weight had lifted from Joseph, so I said, why don’t we stay here for a few hours and have some fun? So we did. Went in the amusement arcade, ate fish and chips and an ice cream, had a wander around the abbey. It was a great day.’
‘Oh, I wish I could have been there,’ she said sadly.
Clive squeezed her hand. ‘So do I,’ he said. ‘And I’m sure Joseph would have loved that.’
‘I’m so glad you were with him, though. Joseph would have had no one if not for you. Everybody’s told me that. You must have been such a comfort to him when I couldn’t be.’
Tears rolled down her cheeks at the thought and Clive pulled her to him. ‘It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. You both suffered, each believing the other didn’t care, and all the time… Ach it makes me so angry, Beth! What right did those two have to keep him from you?’
‘I don’t know. And I don’t understand why I didn’t see what they were doing from the start. I suppose,’ she admitted sadly, ‘I just let my need for them blind me. They were all I had. They’d made sure of that.’
‘But why? They had each other, why keep you tied to them like that?’
‘I honestly don’t have a clue. I like to think none of this was deliberate, or even specifically aimed at me. I think maybe that’s just the way they are. Perhaps that’s why they got on so well. I’ll never really know but I do know I don’t want to give them any more headspace. They’re my past now, whereas my future is in Whispering Willows.’
‘Whispering Willows?’ Hope flared within him. ‘You’re not selling?’
‘I’m not.’
‘When did you decide this?’ he asked.
She gave him a smug look. ‘Well, for your information I’d already decided it before we had that argument. That’s what I was trying to tell you.’
‘But the estate agent’s appointment! It said you were viewing another property.’
‘And I was. The thing is, I’d realised that I didn’t want to leave Tuppenny Bridge because I couldn’t bear to leave you. I was also worried about the horses. So I decided that I’d keep the house going and I’d look for another house for me to live in. You see, my plan was to keep the sanctuary going and rent the house out. I had it all worked out that day and I couldn’t wait to tell you, but Summer had played detective and ruined the whole thing.’
‘Ah,’ he said sheepishly.
‘Yes, it’s okay. Summer told me it was she who listened to the phone message and hunted through my belongings for information, not you.’
‘You’ve seen Summer?’ he asked, surprised.
‘My first stop when I arrived back in Tuppenny Bridge was Whispering Willows. I had a lot to tell her. She and I had quite the chat and let’s just say I think we’re pretty much best friends now.’ She laughed. ‘In fact, I think she might love me more than she loves Ben.’
Clive grinned. ‘You’re really intriguing me now. What are you up to?’
‘What I was always up to, except for one big change. You see, it’s true that I’d arranged with the builder to demolish the stables. Realistically, the section that was bulging was beyond saving anyway, and he’d advised it would be cheaper to knock it all down and start again. And then I got to thinking about the stables as a whole and how old and ugly they are, and how badly designed the whole area is. And I thought it would be the perfect time to design it all from scratch and build it to contemporary standards. The horses deserve nothing less, right? And that way if we get any unexpected arrivals there’ll be room for them.
‘So that was the first idea. And I realised that meant I could apply for charitable status for Whispering Willows, so I’d started looking into that. And I thought I’d take Summer on as my permanent full-time manager, and I’d hire some more people to help her with the animals while I’d work in the admin side, so I’d have something to do as well.’
‘Wow,’ Clive murmured. ‘You’d really figured it all out.’
‘I called the sanctuary about the donkeys and told them they were staying here after all. Honestly, Summer nearly burst with excitement when I told her that,’ she said, laughing.
‘But wait, what about the message from Folly Farm?’ he asked, suddenly remembering. ‘If you’d decided to keep the horses why had you rung this Rachel?’
‘Well, before I rang her I rang Walter Harding. I desperately wanted to know what had become of Shirley Bassey. He told me she’d been discharged and had been sent to Folly Farm on a temporary basis until they could find another home for her. So I rang Xander and Rachel who run it and left a message asking them to contact me about that. Unfortunately I’d rung them from the house phone, so naturally Rachel returned the call on the same phone, which was why she’d left a message since I was out. I’d completely forgotten that and had been waiting for a call on my mobile all day. Anyway, the upshot is, I spoke to her the other day, and she confirmed Shirley Bassey is there and they’re trying to find a new, permanent home for her, and I said she must come to Whispering Willows. So she is. They’re bringing her over next week.’
‘Oh, Beth,’ he said, awed at what she’d been getting up to all this time. ‘That’s amazing!’
‘I know.’ She shrugged. ‘I wanted it all to be a surprise for you, but it went a bit wrong.’
‘That was my fault,’ he said guiltily. ‘I jumped to conclusions. I’m so sorry.’
‘You’re not the only one,’ she told him, suddenly looking pensive. ‘I jumped to conclusions, too, didn’t I? About you and Jennifer.’
He frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
Bethany stared up at him with guilt written all over her face. He recognised it all too well because he’d struggled with it himself for so long.
‘I don’t know what’s going on with you and Jennifer,’ she said at last, ‘but I do know you. I know you wouldn’t start a relationship with me if you were involved with her. I trust you, Clive, so if you want to tell me the truth about the two of you, well, I’ll listen. If you’d rather not I’ll deal with that, too.’
He could hardly believe it. ‘You’re serious? You’re willing to put that much faith in me?’
She took his other hand and squeezed them both, her expression deadly serious. ‘Yes, I am. These past few days have taught me a lot about human nature and about my own refusal to see what’s right in front of my nose. All the signs were there with Helena and Ted, but I didn’t acknowledge them. All the signs were there with Glenn, too, but I refused to see those. Yet I knew Joseph, and I know you. Two good, honest men who genuinely care about me, and I was willing to believe the worst of both of you.
‘What’s that saying? If someone shows you who they are believe them. Ted, Helena, you, Joseph, you’d all shown me clearly who you were. I think it says more about me and the feelings I had for myself than it does about either of you that I got things so badly wrong. I’m so sorry. I can never make it up to Joseph, but I can make it up to you. If you’ll let me.’
He’d never felt more humbled, or more undeserving.
‘I have to be honest with you,’ he said reluctantly. ‘We can’t have our fresh start if I don’t, and you deserve the truth. You might decide I’m not the man you thought I was after all, and if you choose to walk away I’ll understand. I just hope it won’t affect your plans for Whispering Willows.’
‘It won’t,’ she said confidently. ‘I’m going nowhere.’
He was glad about that and could only hope she meant it.
‘Jennifer and I—we’re not having an affair, Beth, I promise you that. But there was something between us once. You see, I met her when I first moved to Tuppenny Bridge. We were in Market Square. The market was on, and she was buying some fruit.’
In his mind he was right back there that day. The sun was shining, and the crowds were jostling. He’d been passing the fruit stall when it happened. Jennifer’s thin carrier bag had given up under the strain of all the fruit and vegetables she’d bought, and the food had spilled out onto the ground.
Clive had helped her pick it all up and put it back in two new carrier bags, and she’d smiled a thank you at him. He’d gazed into her bright blue eyes and had fallen head over heels right there and then. He was twenty-eight years old, living permanently away from his family for the first time, a stranger in a new town, and he’d been smitten.
All he knew about her was the name she gave him. Jennifer. He was too afraid to ask around, and besides, how many Jennifers might there be in Tuppenny Bridge? He’d returned to the market every Wednesday and Saturday for weeks hoping he might bump into her again, but he never had.
Then Joseph had introduced him to Julian Callaghan, his colleague at the Lusty Tup Brewery. The three of them had developed quite a friendship. He’d liked Julian immediately. He had an easy manner and a great sense of humour, and when Joseph didn’t want to go out to the pub he’d gone with Julian. Eventually, Julian had invited him round to his home, Monk’s Folly.
‘Come and meet my wife and two boys,’ he’d said cheerily. ‘In fact, come for tea. We’d love to have you.’
So he’d gone, and the bottom had fallen out of his world when he’d been introduced to the wife Julian had so often mentioned but had never named.
Jennifer.
He wasn’t even certain she remembered him, but he’d been unable to hide his shock as she shook his hand, smiling. He thought he’d masked his feelings for her, and convinced himself that they would fade gradually, but as the years passed every moment he spent with her only made him fall more deeply in love with her. Of course, he’d never said a word about that to her or to Julian. He would never embarrass her like that, and he’d certainly never betray his friend.
What he hadn’t realised was how perceptive Julian was, or he might have been better prepared when his friend confronted him that day. The day he’d extracted a promise from him that he should never have made.
‘I just thought he’d pull through,’ he told Bethany quietly. ‘I was so sure of it. And I thought we’d simply forget all about it and move on.’
‘But then he died,’ she said sympathetically. ‘Did you tell Jennifer what he’d asked of you?’
‘No. It turned out he’d already confessed to her, although I only found that out very recently. She wasn’t happy about it. Can’t blame her, can you? As she said to me quite forcefully, she wasn’t a possession that he could pass on to me. She had a mind of her own and she’d make her own decisions, and she’d quite clearly decided that she didn’t want me or any other man.’
‘Well, good for her,’ Bethany said. ‘It was a stupid thing to make you promise, Clive, but I can understand why you felt obliged to make it.’
‘That’s not the worst of it though,’ he said, shame washing over him at the memory. ‘You see, things went from bad to worse with Julian’s health. Ben was playing up at school, getting into all sorts of bother, and they had Jamie to see to. He was no more than a baby. Jennifer was exhausted and sinking into depression. I tried to be there for her—not from any ulterior motive but because I was genuinely worried about her, and I knew Julian was too. I tried talking to Ben to make him see reason. I didn’t really succeed but I tried. I helped her clean the house. She was fine with the cooking as she said it helped relax her, but Monk’s Folly is a big place, and it was getting on top of her. You know I love cleaning, so I was happy to help. We just got closer. She started talking to me, telling me how she felt. All the old feelings I’d had for her started to come back and this time…’
Bethany’s eyes widened. ‘They were reciprocated?’
He nodded, not wanting to look at her. ‘It wasn’t real,’ he said heavily. ‘We were both just tired and sad I think, and Jennifer was so low. We arranged for her to come round here, to this flat. We told ourselves we deserved it. She deserved it. She needed just one night away from Monk’s Folly. Just one night where she wasn’t thinking and worrying and suffocating in all that grief and misery. One night to forget everything and be herself again. That’s what we told ourselves. One night only and then we’d never speak of it again.’
He ran a hand over his forehead, dreading how she was reacting to all this. ‘You see, we thought it would make everything feel better. We were both so unhappy. We needed a release. It wasn’t about sex or love in the end. It was just about escaping reality. We honestly thought it would help us to cope with everything, but the minute it was over we both knew we’d made a terrible mistake. All it did was make us feel worse, adding guilt to the misery.’
‘So it was just that one night? It was never an affair?’ Bethany asked hesitantly.
He shook his head. ‘Oh no. No! It was one night only all right.’ He raised his gaze to hers, bracing himself for the look of disgust on her face. ‘But, Beth, it was that night. The night Leon was killed. Jennifer would have been at home normally, and she’d have been the one to collect Ben from the police station when they rang. But she’d told them she was staying with a schoolfriend in Harrogate and because of that, it was Leon who went to bring Ben home. And there was an accident and Leon never made it.’
Bethany’s hands flew to her mouth. ‘Oh my God! Poor Jennifer!’
He waited for the condemnation, but none came. ‘All these years… I can’t imagine… All that guilt.’ Tears spilled from her eyes. ‘I know how it feels to be so weighed down with guilt, wishing you’d done things differently, knowing it’s far too late and can never be fixed. Oh, Clive, you must have felt terrible. Both of you. I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t waste your sympathy on me,’ he said roughly. ‘I don’t deserve it. But Jennifer does. She was in pieces, Beth. She just couldn’t forgive herself. It was the only time she’d left Julian’s side and look what happened! She thought it was a punishment and after that she just got lower and lower. By the time Julian died she was a different person. She stopped going out, didn’t meet up with anyone. She became a recluse in that wretched house. I wanted to help her, but I was the last person she’d have anything to do with. I understood why but what I didn’t know was that she was also under the misapprehension that I’d only slept with her because I’d made some sort of bizarre pact with Julian. She was devastated and wouldn’t let me help her at all.’
Bethany considered the matter for a few moments. ‘But you found a way,’ she said slowly. ‘By helping Ben. So he only works for you now because you made a promise to Julian?’
He was amazed that she’d figured out where Ben fitted in already but he had to make one thing very clear.
‘No! God, no! Ben’s more than paid me back, trust me. He’s worked so bloody hard and he’s a brilliant vet. I love him to bits, I really do, and I’m so proud of him. Ben deserves this job. I’d be lost without him. To be honest, I’m thinking of making him a partner. He’s got a great future ahead of him, and he’s such an asset to Stepping Stones.
‘But back then I had no way of knowing that. He could have been a disaster. Even so, it was the only thing I could do to help the family, and I needed to help them so badly. Not just because I’d promised Julian but because I needed to do something, however small, to try to make amends for the way I’d betrayed him. He was my friend, Beth, and look what I did to him!’ He gave her a desperate look. ‘So now you know. That’s the sort of man I really am.’
Bethany shook her head and smiled. ‘I know what sort of man you are, Clive. A very good one.’
He swallowed a sob. ‘How can you say that after everything I’ve just told you?’
‘Because good people sometimes do bad things,’ she said simply. ‘And broken people sometimes do the wrong thing because they think it will fix them.’
He hung his head, not sure he deserved for her to be so understanding.
‘You and Jennifer have paid for what you did a thousand times over,’ she told him. ‘And the truth is, neither of you deserved to suffer this way, any more than Joseph did for the mistake he made. It’s time you forgave yourselves and moved on with your lives. Jennifer seems to be making good progress at last, so what about you? Are you ready to move on? With me?’
Clive blinked away tears. ‘You’re sure that’s what you want? Even now?’
‘I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life,’ she promised him. ‘It’s all I want. Is it what you want, too?’
Was it what he wanted? He thought about Julian and how his friend had wanted him to be there for Jennifer and his boys. He hadn’t done exactly what he’d been asked, but he’d done his best. And yes, he’d made a big mistake, but it had been born of his and Jennifer’s love for Julian and their grief. Neither of them had wanted to hurt him. Surely Julian would understand that? Maybe Beth was right and they’d both suffered long enough.
He needed to forgive himself and take this chance with Beth because if he couldn’t, he would lose her forever, and he knew, more than ever, that he couldn’t face that. He loved her. He needed her. He wanted to be the man she believed him to be.
‘Aye,’ he said softly. ‘It’s what I want more than anything in the world.’
She gave him one of her brilliant smiles that lit her face from within, and his heart skipped with joy as she said, ‘I’m very relieved to hear it. And I’m glad you were singing Ben’s praises, too, because I’ve had a thought about the future of Stepping Stones myself.’
‘You have?’
‘What I was also thinking when I was planning my great surprise, is that while I was having the stableyard redesigned and all the stables rebuilt, why not incorporate an equine veterinary unit there? There’s certainly enough room, and you said yourself you’d love to work more with horses if you only had the facilities. So why not put those facilities at Whispering Willows? It would mean you and Ben get to expand your practice, and we’d always have a vet on hand if one of our horses got sick, so they wouldn’t have to travel to Walter Harding’s or even further afield. It’s a win-win as far as I can see. What do you say?’
Clive was speechless. After everything he’d just told her she was still considering sticking around? Not only that, but she was offering him the kind of facilities he’d been dreaming of for years.
‘Are you serious?’
‘Of course I am. Naturally, you’d have to work with an architect to design the unit. I mean, I wouldn’t have a clue. And you’d be responsible for equipping it, but if you’re up for that I certainly am.’
‘Bethany,’ he said, not sure she’d understood what he’d told her, ‘about Jennifer… Can you really forgive me?’
‘Forgive you?’ she asked, smiling tenderly at him. ‘There’s nothing to forgive. I have so much respect for you because I know it can’t have been easy telling me all this. Thank you for trusting me. You’re still the man I thought you were, believe me. If anything, I might just love you more.’
He rested his forehead against hers, overwhelmed with relief and gratitude.
‘I hope Jennifer has finally accepted it wasn’t her fault,’ she murmured. ‘The accident I mean.’
‘Ben blamed himself for years,’ Clive told her. ‘He thought, if he hadn’t got in trouble with the police Leon would never have driven out that night to collect him. I think, when he finally admitted how much he was struggling with guilt, Jennifer realised that she’d been doing the same. She was able to tell Ben, honestly, that it wasn’t his fault, and by doing that she finally accepted that it wasn’t hers either. Fate.’ He shook his head. ‘Life can be so cruel at times.’
‘And don’t we both know it,’ she said. ‘So it seems to me we’ve got to grab every moment of happiness we can. You and Jennifer, how do you feel about each other now?’
At least he could smile about that. ‘We’re friends,’ he said firmly. ‘That’s all we’ll ever be and all either of us want.’
‘And you don’t have any lingering romantic feelings for her?’
‘Of course not! Aw, Beth, for so long I wasn’t sure. It was all mixed up with feelings of obligation and shame and duty and guilt. I thought that was love but it wasn’t. It was only when I fell in love with you that I realised it never had been. Not really. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you. You’ve changed everything.’
‘So let’s make a promise,’ she said. ‘Let’s not waste any more time with the past. Let’s you and I enjoy every moment as it comes and live each day to the fullest.’
She kissed him gently and he saw the love shining in her eyes.
‘I can do that,’ he said uncertainly, as he cupped her face in his hands. ‘So you and me…?’
‘I think,’ she said firmly, ‘you mean us.’