6. Helen
Chapter 6
Helen
“Thomas, don’t you have a huge team of staff so you can work less?” I stood in front of my boss, placing a pile of paperwork and a coffee in front of him.
“Helen, not this again.”
“Not what again? You don’t have to keep saying yes to these jobs and constantly putting yourself in danger.”
He narrowed his eyes. “You know what we do here? I know I hide it from the rest of this town, but you get it, right? Finding bad people is what I do.”
“And you’re amazing at it, but I just want to remind you that it’s your name on the business… on the building. You don’t have to save the world every day, Boss. ”
“I could sack you for talking to me like that.”
“You could try, but you can’t work the coffee machine and you don’t know how to open your calendar, so you’d be screwed.”
He slipped off his jacket, placing the guns he had holstered to his chest into the drawer like he did every day because hiding who he was and what he did was his MO.
“Helen, if you were anyone else, I would shoot them for being such a pain in my arse.”
I shrugged. “I know, but if I was anyone else, I would have quit because you kill people for a living.”
Thomas nodded because this was a pretty messed up business we were all a part of, no matter what role we played in it. “Now, in other topics of conversation… your date?”
I glanced down to the floor so I could try to avoid the conversation I knew was coming. “You already know he stood me up. You’re you. There isn’t anything you don’t know.”
“Helen.” His voice softened, and I hated it because his kindness would make me break down and I didn’t want to be that person. “Look at me.” I met his gaze. “You want me to have him killed?”
I offered him a small smile, hoping he was joking. “No. I’m good.”
He raised his brows, pointing to the seat across from his desk. Sighing, I sat.
“Look, I’m not going to demand you spill your secrets and tell me what’s going on. I mean, you can, by all means, but you don’t have to.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“But I’m going to ask you some questions and I want the truth.”
I nodded.
“Are you okay?”
I shrugged. “Divorce, new life… it’s a lot more than I imagined.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
I scrunched my nose, loving how my emotionless boss had the biggest heart. “No… thank you though.”
“Did that douche of a date say anything to upset you? Did he message you afterward? Is that why you’re upset?”
“No, I promise. Tyler took me home and I’ve deleted the dating app, so I’ve not heard anything from him.”
“Good. You deserve so much more than a shitty online date who probably has fake profile pics.”
This time it was me who raised my brow. “What did you do?”
He widened his eyes as if to proclaim his innocence before his confession. “I found his profile and compared his pictures to his actual real-life face. You had a lucky escape.” I couldn’t help but laugh, feeling slightly vindicated. “And then I sent his wife an anonymous tip off about what he's been doing.”
“Wife?” The smile fell from my face, and I hated how stupid I’d been, agreeing to meet someone I knew nothing about.
“Like I said, lucky escape. Next time, I’ll be checking them out personally and maybe coming with you so I can sit at a table nearby and keep an eye on these douches. You, Helen, are an amazing woman and you deserve someone who will see that and remind you of it every day.”
I let out a sigh. “I think I’m going to focus on work. It’s the one place in my life that I feel like I’m succeeding right now.”
“Can I give you some advice… as a friend?”
This was so unlike him, so I knew he was really trying to cheer me up. But when he continued without waiting for me to answer, I knew bossy Thomas was back in the building.
“There are no rules. Your kids are grown. They are amazing men. You and Gary did a great job, but this is your time and you can do anything you want. Making yourself happy should be your sole objective.”
His words burned because apparently, I couldn’t make myself happy .
“Don’t bury yourself in work. What we do here is fucked up, and it makes us all that little bit more jaded. I don’t want that for you, Helen. You’re worth so much more.”
I rubbed my hands together where they rested in my lap. “Boss.” I nodded before I stood, signalling that this conversation was over because I wasn’t sure how to deal with this version of Thomas.
He winked. “Now, get back to work, bloody slacker.”
I stared at the sex toys laid out in front of me. I’d never been bothered about coming… or even sex, for that matter. I’d wondered over the years if there was something wrong with me, but I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything, so I’d never spoken about it to anyone.
I mean, I would have liked to have discussed it with my husband and explored it together, because wasn’t that what couples did? But if I did mention it, he blamed my age or my size or the day of the week; anything but accept any responsibility himself. I guessed Jackson was right when he said I needed to learn what I enjoyed before I could expect anyone else to give it to me, which was I was here now. Trying.
“Right, Helen, it can’t be that hard. Turn on toy, play with the right bits, orgasm.” I blew out my cheeks because I felt like an idiot. I was too old for this shit, but I knew my friends would never shut up if I didn’t at least try one of them.
“Fine,” I huffed, unsure who I was talking to before rolling off my leggings and panties. I threw them to the floor before climbing under the cool sheets.
Lifting the rabbit one, my cheeks heated as I turned it on, trying to find a setting that didn’t horrify me. When I’d chosen one, I slipped it under the covers, dragging it through my folds. The sensation made my body buck, and a whimper fell from my lips.
Tentatively, I pushed the wide head to my entrance, my belly twisting with something that felt like nerves. Lifting my legs, I let them fall open, pushing the thick length inside me a few inches. I noticed the pain first. It had been years since I'd had sex and this felt thicker than my ex had been. I pushed it in further, feeling it burn.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
Rocking, I tried to edge it in further, remembering what Jackson had said about part of it rubbing against my sensitive parts, but right now, this thing was nowhere near. The vibrations felt nice, but the pain from it stretching me was all I could focus on.
I tried to relax, breathing in and out slowly, but my chest was tight, and the more stressed I got about it, the more the pain seemed to build.
Flinging my arm over my face, I sucked in a long, deep breath before pulling it out. “We will not be beaten by a vibrating penis,” I mumbled to myself before sitting up and switching the rabbit for the bullet. I shuffled back, so I was leaning against my pillows, staring down at my stomach that slightly obscured the curls between my thighs.
“Oh God, if I’m dating am I going to need to get a wax,” I muttered, annoyed. “I thought this was about my pleasure. So far, it’s just things that cause me pain.”
I remembered the one time I’d got a wax and I couldn’t walk properly for days. Shaking my head, I decided not to think about that now, turning on the bullet and pressing the tip to the back of my hand. It didn’t feel as weird as the rabbit, so I edged it between my thighs.
It felt nice, making me shudder. Maybe I could do this. I moved it back and forth, noticing how my nipples hardened and an unfamiliar feeling curled through me.
Wriggling down the bed, I opened my legs more, moving the tip of the bullet to my entrance before easing it back to where I thought my clitoris was.
My heart rate increased, my free hand curled in the sheets, I could feel my pulse hammering between my thighs, and my eyes fluttered closed.
But then the voice in my head decided to get involved, telling me that I was some weird pervert for wanting to have a sexual awakening at this point in my life and that I was broken. Otherwise, I would have done this years ago.
The pleasure turned to pain, my excitement became anxiety, and any arousal faded faster than if someone had thrown a bucket of ice water over me. Frustrated and feeling like a failure, tears pricked my eyes as I threw the second vibrator to the side, deciding I was done with all of it. Whatever the next chapter of my life entailed, sex, relationships, and orgasms were definitely not a part of it.