12. Abi
12
ABI
Paddy is an elderly bay gelding with a wide stripe of white down his face and four white socks, all the same height, so it looks like he’s stood in a puddle of white paint up to his fetlocks.
Unfortunately right now they’re more green and brown than white, but Sadie is helping me wash them, while explaining to me that when horses have baths they don’t get into an actual bath and just get hosed off.
She sounds disappointed horse bathtubs aren’t a real thing.
Once Paddy’s feet are looking a bit closer to their actual colour, Sadie returns to grooming Scout. The horse looks far too big for her, but it’s obviously extremely gentle and Sadie is completely confident around her, while still showing the respect and care needed around a horse of any size.
She’s more cautious around Aurora, but still gives the roan mare plenty of pats.
I move on from Paddy’s legs and brush out his tail. He lets out a contented snuffling sound as he relaxes one of his hind legs.
“He’s loving all this attention,” Katie says with a smile. “He almost made it to retirement before Dallas agreed to learn to ride.”
“But … he knew how to ride,” I say, unsure if I should be bringing this up. “I mean, he wasn’t great, but he could ride.”
Katie draws in a deep breath, then exhales, glancing at Sadie and suddenly it clicks. Sadie’s accident, all those years ago, the one which saw us both falling off a horse and Sadie being seriously injured. She’s had no lasting complications from the accident, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect Dallas and me.
Ultimately, it was the accident that ended our relationship.
Katie must see my expression shift. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I breathe. “I had no idea. Dallas lost his nerve?”
Katie nods. “He found it again, eventually.” She eyes me for a moment. “You’re still okay around horses though?”
I nod. “Yeah, weird that it affected him like that, but I’ve never had the fear of horses come up.” Fear of other things, for sure, but never horses. Sadie’s accident wasn’t the horse’s fault, it was just an accident. Logically I know it wasn’t my fault either, but try telling that to my anxiety. It’s not something I need to get into right now though, especially because I’m pretty sure Katie knows my history almost as much as Dallas does.
Once the horses are thoroughly groomed, we tack them up. Sadie shows me where Paddy’s gear is, gives me an explanation of the type of bit he uses, then asks me to carry Scout’s saddle since she’s too small to lift it .
“You grab the bridles and I’ll take the saddles,” I say, hefting them into my arms. Katie already has Aurora’s and is gently laying it over her back. The mare stands quietly and Katie’s grin is contagious.
She notices me watching. “I’m still waiting for her to freak out on me, but she’s doing so good.”
“Flynn said she’d had a hard time.”
Katie nods. “She has. But she’s doing better now.” She rubs the mare gently on the forehead.
We finish tacking up, with Sadie keeping up constant chatter despite neither Katie or I responding. We’re both lost somewhere in our heads.
Once the three horses are ready to go we lead them out into the sunshine. It’s a glorious day and it makes the sky look bluer, the grass greener and life in general brighter.
It probably helps that things are going so well so far, though like Katie keeps waiting for Aurora to freak out, I keep waiting for this perfect life to come crashing down around me.
I never thought reconnecting with Sadie would go this smoothly. I thought she’d be standoffish and shy, which I wouldn’t blame her for. I thought she might hate me, but she shows no signs of that. I thought Dallas would be more resistant, I thought his partner might be worse. This job could have been the worst thing ever, but so far, I love it, and I haven’t even got to the really good stuff yet. My boss could have been a bitch, the guy I have to work with an asshole. But none of that has happened. Olivia’s a generous boss and Flynn’s biggest flaw is how hot he is, because it’s so, so distracting.
I even love the house I live in. I never thought I’d find something so charming in a place like Kauri Creek.
Sadie leads Scout to the mounting block, then scrambles onto it.
“Woah, Lady Sadie,” Katie calls out, then taps a finger to her head three times.
Sadie’s hand flies to her head and a gasp slips through her lips. “I left it in the barn.”
“Go grab it then,” Katie says, and I hold out my hand to take Scout’s reins.
Sadie thrusts the leather straps into my hands, then races back to the barn. Katie swings into Aurora’s saddle, the mare barely registering the movement.
“I’m no expert,” I say, “but I feel like you don’t need to worry too much about Aurora freaking out on you.
Katie laughs. “Yeah, Olivia keeps telling me I need to work on my trust issues.”
“Trust issues?”
“Yeah, like trusting that the world isn’t a totally shitty place all the time.”
Oh. I study her, sitting comfortably astride this stunning horse, her long blonde hair braided down her back, smile on her face as she watches Sadie appear in the barn doorway. I know the man she’s in love with, and the place she calls home, the people she calls her family. It’s hard to believe Katie could ever believe the world is a shitty place.
“Let’s go, Lady Sadie,” Katie calls.
“Coming,” Sadie shouts back and plonks her helmet on her head. She races across the gravel yard trying to secure the chin strap as she goes.
In a moment so fast I barely register it happening, Sadie trips over her own feet and flies through the air. She hits the ground, sliding to a stop in the small, fine gravel, her unfastened helmet skidding away.
My breath stops.
All I can hear is the thundering of my heart in my ears. My vision blurs and I think for a moment we’re experiencing an earthquake as the world around me tilts.
Time slows down and speeds up and everything I’ve eaten today rises.
I might faint. I might vomit. I might stand here frozen, unable to move as I stare at the tiny body on the ground.
Then Katie’s boots hit the gravel and a second later she’s kneeling on the ground beside my daughter.
My daughter, who lets out a piercing wail and starts to cry as Katie helps her sit up. There’s blood spilling down her chin and she holds her palms up to Katie. I can see the red from here.
Katie checks Sadie over as I stand frozen, my fingers locked around the two sets of reins. Aurora doesn’t seem fazed by the commotion or Katie’s quick dismount and takes a couple of steps towards the pair on the ground, as if seeing for herself that Sadie is okay. The mare snuffles at Katie’s shoulder.
“She’s okay.” I hear Katie say the words, but they sound muffled, like I’m underwater. It kind of feels like I’m underwater actually, like I don’t quite have full control of my body and my lungs are burning because I can’t breathe .
Breathing. That’s important.
I open my mouth and suck down some air, then release it in a shuddering exhale. I take several more breaths, forcing myself to slow each one down, even though my body’s natural inclination is to gasp in rapid intakes of oxygen.
Katie is helping Sadie to her feet now, after carefully inspecting each inch of her. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Do you still want to go riding after?”
Sadie’s eyes are huge, round and filled with tears. Her cheeks are wet and blotchy, but the blood on her chin is already drying. I don’t know where she’s bleeding from. Did she graze her chin when she hit the ground? Or is the blood coming from her mouth?
The little girl stands with her palms face up in front of her and shakes her head, never taking her blue eyes off Katie.
“Okay,” Katie says. “Can you wait real quick while I get the horses back in their paddocks?”
Sadie’s lip wobbles, but she nods and sniffs.
“I’ll take care of it.” My voice is so rough it takes me a moment to realise that it was actually me saying the words.
Katie glances at me, as if remembering I’m still here. I understand why she forgot I was, it’s not like I did anything when my daughter hurt herself.
“You sure?” Katie asks, her voice soft.
“Yep, you take care of Sadie. I’ll put these guys away.” I gesture to the horses, then reach out for Aurora’s reins. “I hope you feel better soon, Sadie,” I say, the words sticking in my throat .
She sniffs again, then wipes her tears away on her sleeve. Katie puts a hand on her back and turns her for home. I watch them go, then lead the horses back to the barn where I strip them of their gear and lie to myself that I didn’t just completely screw everything up.