Chapter 34
Reece and Jana say their goodbyes, and we all cheer as they leave the private balcony, hand in hand. I glance at Remi, seated beside me. She’s been quiet all afternoon. I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking.
I lean in, whispering in her ear, “Do you want to dance?”
She looks around. “The wedding is over. No one’s dancing.”
I stand and hold out my hand to her. “The wedding can’t end until we’ve danced.”
“Okay.” She places her hand in mine, letting me pull her up.
I wrap one arm around her waist, and the other holds her hand as we sway to the music.
“Is everything okay? You’ve been quiet.”
“I’m fine.” She breathes out a heavy sigh, signaling that she isn’t fine.
“You’re shutting down again.”
She lifts her head to me. There’s a hollowness in her eyes that scares me. “We’re not even back together, Matt, and you’re talking about marriage and planning out the rest of our lives.”
“It was just a wedding speech.”
“It felt like expectations.”
“Can I not hope to marry you someday?”
Her chin drops, and she goes silent.
“Did last night mean anything to you?” I ask.
“We didn’t solve anything. We ignored all of our problems. We shouldn’t have done it.”
My steps slow, and I pull apart from her. “If it didn’t mean anything, then why did you kiss me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you love me,” I snap back at her.
“Because I do love you.”
“Then what are we even arguing about?”
She sucks in a breath. “What do you see when you picture our life together?”
“I see a continuation of the last two years. A lot of laughter and love.”
“More than that, Matt. What else do you see?”
I run a hand through my hair. “I see a house, and kids, and little league baseball, trips to the beach, you teaching yoga, grilling in the backyard, kids fighting, family vacations. I see the whole thing.”
“That’s what I’m talking about.” She shrugs. “I’m not your mom, Matt.”
“I’m not asking you to be.”
She rubs her fingers over her eyebrow. “I don’t know how to live the kind of life you described. No one’s ever taught me.”
“Rem, it’s not something you live because you’ve learned. You live it because you want to.”
“What if I can’t?” Her eyes fill with tears. “What if I’m incapable of having a normal life?”
I place my hands on her shoulders. “Then, we’ll figure it out. We’ll make our own normal.”
She shakes her head. “You’ll resent me, and one of us will want to leave.”
“This isn’t rational thinking. You”re letting your fears get in the way of your happiness.”
A tear drips down her cheek, running into her lips. “In the long run, it’s safer this way.”
“For who?”
“For me.”
My hands drop, and I step back to look her over. “Why do you keep doing this? Why won’t you let me love you?”
Her voice cracks. “Your family is too perfect. You’re too perfect. I can’t keep up with that.”
“Let me get this straight. You can’t be with me because you think my family and I are too perfect?”
She nods. “It’s too much pressure to live up to.”
“First of all, nobody is perfect. We all have our flaws—including my family and me. Second of all, don’t you think you’re being a little unfair?”
She folds her arms across her chest. “Unfair?”
“I don’t judge you for having commitment issues—or any issues, for that matter—but you’re sure quick to judge me for being too perfect.”
Her eyes drop, and she looks away. I stand there for a moment, waiting for her to fix this, waiting for her to say anything that makes sense, but she doesn’t.
My dad’s words play back through my mind.
If Remi pushes you away again, it’s okay to be done. It’s okay to call it quits. Commitment has to go both ways. You can’t be the only one trying to make this relationship work.
It hurts, but he’s right. I have to stand up for myself.
“Rem, I can’t keep doing this. I can’t control what your heart decides. You need to figure out what you want.”
As hard as it is, I hang my head and turn and walk away, leaving her standing alone on the dance floor.