Chapter Twenty-Two
“What do you think?”
Eric cringed inwardly at his own impatience, but waiting and watching while Scott read the statement Eric had written to announce his retirement was torture.
It was the day of their first game after the All-Star break, and Eric had decided to make his retirement official, starting with his teammates tonight.
“It’s good.” Scott smiled sadly as he handed Eric’s phone back to him across the restaurant table. “So you’re really doing this?”
“I’m really doing it. Tomorrow morning that gets posted on the Admirals website and social media accounts. I’ll tell the team tonight after the game.”
Scott cheeks puffed as he blew out a breath. “Are you going to have your phone turned off all day tomorrow?”
“Definitely.”
“Do you have anything planned to distract you?”
Eric poked at his vegan paella. “No.”
“I’d offer to hang out with you tomorrow,” Scott said, “but Kip and I are meeting with our wedding planner.”
“I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll watch that show Carter keeps telling me to watch.”
“You mean the one that his girlfriend is the star of?”
Oh. “Uh, yeah. I guess so.”
“Maybe retirement will give you a chance to finally catch up on pop culture, Benny.”
“Sounds exhausting.”
“Is there no one...else...you might like to spend tomorrow with?” Scott asked casually.
“Are you asking if I’m seeing someone?”
“Well...”
Eric wished he could say yes. The time he’d spent with Kyle over the past few weeks had been incredible, but he always felt guilty afterwards.
He had no right to be taking up so much of Kyle’s time, and he was starting to worry that he was leading Kyle on.
Sometimes—okay, a lot of times—Eric could envision a future where he and Kyle were a real couple.
But it wasn’t a fair thing for him to want.
As much as Kyle didn’t seem to think their age difference mattered, Eric knew better.
Kyle was too fun—too full of life—to be attached to an old goalie who very likely would need reconstructive shoulder surgery soon.
Who would have the body of a man much older than Eric even was.
The fifteen-year difference between them would feel like forty.
“No. No one,” he told Scott now.
“What about—?”
“No.” Eric set his fork down. As much as he knew the situation was hopeless, he’d been desperate to talk to someone about this for weeks, and here was his chance. “Kyle and I...we’ve been...doing stuff.”
Scott’s eyebrows shot up. “Stuff?”
“Hooking up. That sort of thing. It’s casual, but... I like him. A lot.”
“Oh. Wow. Okay.” Scott’s cheeks pinked the way they always did when a conversation turned to sex.
“I need to put a stop to it. The sex part, I mean. I don’t think I’m the sort of person who can do that without it meaning more.
I wouldn’t have slept with him in the first place if I hadn’t had deeper feelings for him.
” The words rushed out of him, now that he’d removed the barrier.
“It’s not fair of me to pretend these hookups don’t mean anything to me when they mean a lot. ”
There was silence, and the Scott said, “Wow. You’ve been really going through something, haven’t you? Jeez, I had no idea.”
“I know. And I can handle it myself, mostly, but...”
“Are you sure he doesn’t feel the same way about you?”
“I don’t know. We get along well, and he told me he’s attracted to older men, but being attracted to older men and having sex with them isn’t the same as being in a relationship with a busted old goalie with an unreliable libido.”
“Um.”
“Sorry. That was probably too much information.”
“No! No, it’s fine.” Scott’s cheeks were flaming. “That’s, uh, do you mean you don’t usually like sex?”
“I like it a lot, when I find someone I want to have sex with. It’s just not very often that I’m drawn to someone in that way. I know it’s weird.”
“It’s not weird,” Scott said quickly. “I went most of my life without sex, although that was more out of fear than a lack of, um, interest.” He laughed nervously. “Anyway. You like Kyle and you like having sex with him, right?”
“Yes.”
“And he presumably likes you and likes having sex with you.”
Eric bit his cheek to stop a smile as he thought of their last time together.
Kyle had tied down Eric’s wrists and ankles, and had him spread eagle on the bed using some gear that Kyle had brought over.
They’d sucked each other off at the same time, Kyle’s lean body stretched on top of Eric, until they both reached the edge.
Then Kyle had turned and ridden Eric hard until they both came.
And after, Kyle had stayed the night. Eric had held him close while they’d slept, and in the morning they’d had sex again. That time there had been no cuffs or toys. Just toe-curling kisses and lots of smiles and laughter.
That might have been when Eric had realized he was damn close to being in love with Kyle.
“I’m in over my head here, I think,” Eric admitted.
Scott’s eyes were sympathetic, which only made Eric feel more pathetic. “As I’ve said, I’m probably not the best person to give advice on dating, but it sounds like you should probably talk to him.”
Eric considered Scott’s sensible suggestion, then shook his head. “I can’t. Even if he wants a relationship with me, it isn’t fair to him.”
Scott took a sip of water, then said, “You know, I thought the same thing about Kip once. At first because of the sneaking around, and then because of the attention I knew we’d get as a couple.
But eventually I realized it wasn’t my decision to make.
Kip deserved a say, and so does Kyle. He’s young, but he’s not a kid. ”
“I know. I just—” Eric sighed. He knew everything Scott was saying made sense, but he still wasn’t convinced that asking Kyle for more than what they had now was fair. “I’ll figure it out. Let’s talk about hockey instead. Are the guys going to be shocked tonight, do you think?”
Scott chewed his mouthful of rice thoughtfully. After he swallowed, he said, “Maybe not shocked, but I think it will still hit them hard. We take you for granted, y’know?”
“Tommy’s ready for the job.”
Scott nodded. “I’m sure of it. He’ll be great.” He smiled sadly. “But he’s not you.”
“I’ll be staying in Manhattan. You’ll still see me. I’ve put way too much work into that house to leave it.”
“When I first moved to the city, I didn’t think I’d ever get used to it. But now I can’t imagine living anywhere else.”
“Same. I think I’m here for life.” Even as he said it, the thought entered his brain that he could imagine leaving if he were in a real relationship with Kyle, and he wanted to leave New York. It was an absolutely ridiculous thought.
“Well then,” Scott said with a grin, “we can grow old together.”
“I’ve got a bit of a head start on you, Scotty.”
Scott laughed, but Eric hated that it was true. He hated that he was so much older than nearly all of his friends. So much older than the man he couldn’t seem to stop thinking about.
For the millionth time, Eric shut all of his thoughts and feelings about Kyle into a box and locked it.
He needed to focus on the game that night against Toronto.
Between the retirement announcement and the fact that his team really needed a win tonight, his love life should really be the least of his concerns.
The mood in the locker room was somber after the game. The Admirals had played hard, but they’d been unable to hold their lead until the end. Toronto had tied the game with just over a minute to go in the third, and then had scored again in overtime. Eric felt terrible about letting that one in.
And now he needed to announce to his teammates that he was retiring. Hell, maybe they’d be relieved after that performance.
“Hey,” Scott said loudly. He walked to the middle of the room, still dressed in gear from the waist down, and shirtless from the waist up.
“That was a tough one. But we fought really fucking hard and we don’t have to hang our heads about that, all right?
” He pointed at one of the rookies. “Woody, that play you made in the second period to get us our third goal? Fucking incredible. One of the best I’ve ever seen. ”
There were murmurs of agreement around the room, and even a few claps.
“Benny, I know you’re beating yourself up about those last two goals, but forty-eight saves? And there were at least five that were basically impossible. You stood on your head for us tonight.”
“Yeah, Benny!” Carter called. Other guys repeated it and clapped.
“Breezy,” Scott turned to Brisebois. “You blocked that shot from Kent.” That got some whistles and cheers from the guys. “Fearless, man. Fucking fearless. Love to see it. How’s your leg?”
“Bruised. But I’d tear my whole leg off and throw it if it stopped Kent from scoring.”
Laughter erupted, and even Eric was smiling.
Scott sat beside Eric and said in a low voice, “There. I warmed them up for you.”
Eric smiled gratefully at him. Scott and Carter were the only ones in the room who knew Eric was retiring. He’d told the coaches and management a week ago, but this part would be the hardest.
Eric stood up and waved, which made everyone go silent immediately. He rarely took the floor so this was unusual enough to get some attention. “Hi. I’ll keep this short, but I have something to tell you guys.”
The room was so quiet that Eric thought his teammates could probably hear his racing heart. He took a steadying breath. “This is going to be my last season.”
Shocked exclamations started, and Eric held up a hand to silence them.
“Playing in the NHL, and especially playing here in New York, with all of you, has been such an honor. I never dreamed, growing up, that—” He had to pause to clear his throat, because it had gotten tight in a hurry.
He tried again. “It’s been incredible. I wouldn’t trade a second of it.
But it’s time to walk away.” He paused, and managed a wry smile. “While I can still walk.”
There was some quiet laughter, but he could see the shocked confusion on his teammates’ faces. Did they really think he would play forever? “Come on, boys,” he joked. “I’m forty-one. You had to see this coming.”
There was silence, and then someone—Prentice, it sounded like—said, “You’re only forty-one?”
Everyone laughed, and that opened the floodgates.
“I thought you were at least sixty.”
“Goalies didn’t even wear masks when you were a rookie.”
“My grandpa grew up watching you.”
Eric shook his head. “Fuck all of you. I can’t wait to never see you again.”
He sat back down, smiling, and Scott wrapped an arm around him. “They love you.”
“I know.” Eric watched the action in the room through damp eyes. “I’m really going to miss this.”
He removed the rest of his gear in the exact same order he’d been taking it off since high school. He laughed with his teammates when someone made a joke, and smiled when Carter teased him. He was still a part of this team. He wasn’t done yet.
Kyle hadn’t been expecting to see Eric at the Kingfisher that night. Especially not without Scott. The game against Toronto had been on the television at the bar, so Kyle had seen the brutal overtime loss. He hadn’t even had a chance to text Eric in an attempt to cheer him up.
But here he was. Tall and handsome in his wool coat and cashmere scarf, but his face was showing signs of exhaustion and misery. He spotted Kyle behind the bar and walked toward him.
“Hi,” Kyle said with a sympathetic smile.
“Hi.”
“I watched the game. Sorry about that.”
Eric nodded. “Yeah, it sucks.”
“I’d offer you a whiskey or something, but...”
Eric huffed. “Tonight, I’d almost take it.”
Those words were heartbreaking. “Have a seat.” Kyle gestured at the barstool next to Eric. “I’ll keep you plied with soda water and juice.”
“Thanks.” Eric removed his coat and scarf and hung them neatly on the back of the seat. When he sat down, he immediately slumped forward with his forearms on the bar. “What a fucking night.”
Kyle placed a soda water with lime in front of him. “Tell me all about it.”
“You don’t want to hear about it.”
“I’m a bartender. It’s my job to listen to sob stories.” He playfully tossed a bar towel on his shoulder and leaned in. “Lay it on me.”
“I told my teammates that I’m retiring. I told them after the game.”
Kyle’s mouth fell open in mock astonishment. “You didn’t play that badly.”
Eric laughed. “The public announcement will be tomorrow morning. The team is sending out a statement.”
“How’d they take it? Your teammates?”
“They seemed shocked. And then, y’know, they joked about how old I am. So they’re coping in their own ways.” He tapped his fingers against the soda glass. “I guess this is really happening.”
He looked so lost. Kyle wanted to take him to the back room and kiss him happy. “Tomorrow will be a shitshow, I’m guessing.”
“Yeah,” Eric sighed. “I’m not looking forward to it. I’m going to turn my phone off and just, I dunno. Avoid it.”
“You don’t have a practice tomorrow?”
“No. I wanted to make the announcement on a day off, so I could at least avoid reporters.”
Kyle suddenly had a wonderful, terrible idea. “Spend the day with me.”
Eric’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?”
“Yeah.” Kyle shrugged. “I’ve got a day off tomorrow too. We could, I dunno, watch movies or...leave town.” He laughed at that, but then thought of an even better idea. “Hey, we could go hiking! I know some great spots outside the city. Have you been to Blue Mountain?”
“I haven’t.” Eric seemed to be perking up. “That would be great, being outside all day.”
Kyle was practically bouncing with excitement now. He’d been in desperate need of some quality outdoors time. “Let’s do it! Do you have a car?”
“I do.”
“This is going to be awesome. You’ll feel like a new man after this.”
“Okay.” Eric was smiling at him, looking almost as excited as Kyle felt. He also looked like he needed something else from Kyle.
“I’m working until two at least tonight,” Kyle said. He stopped there, knowing that Eric would understand what he was saying.
“Right. I figured.”
“You should go home,” Kyle said gently. “Rest up for our big adventure.”
Eric nodded. “Yeah. Okay. Text me when you’re awake tomorrow.”
“I will.” Kyle really wanted to hoist himself up on the bar and kiss him, but he resisted. Frantic kisses on the street aside, they’d never kissed in front of other people. “Bright and early, handsome.”