Chapter Twenty-Three
Eric had been second-guessing his decision to spend the day hiking with Kyle right up until the moment he’d spotted Kyle waiting for him on the sidewalk outside his building.
Eric knew it had been irresponsible of him to agree to this outing; he was either leading Kyle on, or letting his own heart be misled.
Either way, it was only going to further complicate the way he felt about Kyle.
But the way Kyle smiled as Eric pulled the car up in front of him, excitement all over his face, made him not particularly care about bad decisions.
“Yay! Hiking!” Kyle sang.
He’d had his glasses on, and a warm knit hat. He’d looked adorable, and Eric’s heart had fluttered uselessly in his chest.
He’s not for you, Eric had reminded himself. Not like that.
Now they were completely alone, standing together at the top of Blue Mountain and taking in the spectacular view of the Hudson River and the snowy mountains beyond.
It had been a perfect day so far. Kyle was an expert hiker, completely in his element on the trails, and Eric felt like he was meeting him for the first time.
There was flirty bartender Kyle, and brilliant grad student Kyle, but then there was this man: flushed and happy from a day spent outdoors in the cold.
Eric was falling hard for all sides of Kyle, and he didn’t know how to stop it.
“Did you get some good pictures today?” Kyle asked.
“Hm? Oh. Yes, I think so.” He thought of the image he’d captured of Kyle, cheeks pink and smiling up at a squirrel he’d spotted in a tree, and was glad he’d lugged his camera along on this hike. “Some really nice ones, actually.”
“Good. Maybe that’s what you should do after you retire: travel and take photos.”
“It might be lonely,” Eric said without meaning to.
He’d considered doing exactly what Kyle had proposed—it was how Eric had spent a few of his summers.
He’d enjoyed traveling alone, but he’d hoped his retirement would be shared with another person.
Someone who loved being outdoors and was knowledgeable about history and art.
Someone with a gift for languages, and a passion for learning.
Someone who made Eric laugh and relax and.
..want. When was the last time Eric had wanted anything as much as he wanted Kyle?
This was bad. This was really fucking bad.
“Where would you go?” Eric asked, hoping to derail this dangerous line of thinking. “If you could travel anywhere?”
“Anywhere. Everywhere. I want to see it all, but I’ve been looking at Greece lately. Maybe do a language course there.”
“Sounds nice.”
“I want to hike on the Pelion Peninsula.”
“And follow in the footsteps of Achilles?”
Kyle grinned. “Exactly. Maybe find a handsome centaur who wants to teach me a few things.”
“Is that what you’re into? Horses?”
“Nope. Just intelligent older men with thick cocks.”
Eric was sure the hike down the mountain wouldn’t be improved by having an erection. “Behave,” he scolded.
Eric silently told himself to behave too. Last night, when he’d gone to the Kingfisher, he hadn’t wanted to make plans for an outing today. He’d wanted Kyle to go home with him, but this unexpected day together was worth so much more than sex.
“Should we keep going?” Kyle asked.
“Sure.”
They didn’t speak for a while. Kyle walked in front of Eric and kept glancing up at the trees.
It was wonderfully quiet on the trail, the silence only interrupted by birds, squirrels, and the occasional gust of wind rattling the tree branches.
It was perfect and peaceful and made it far too easy for Eric to think as they walked.
Even just walking behind him, Eric’s heart would swell every time Kyle turned his head to look at something, giving him a view of his profile. His pink cheeks, his glasses, his content half smile. He could imagine walking behind him like this in Greece, in Italy. Anywhere Kyle wanted to go.
Or he could imagine quiet nights at home in Manhattan. Maybe reading together on a couch, Kyle’s toes tucked under Eric’s thighs. Then falling into bed together, laughing and kissing and—
Eric nearly crashed into Kyle, who had stopped abruptly.
“Wh—?”
“Shh,” Kyle whispered. “Look.”
Eric looked where he was pointing and saw two deer standing in a clearing.
He went perfectly still, not wanting to do anything to spook them.
The deer stayed for a while, calmly eating something that grew close to the ground.
When they finally disappeared into the forest, Eric let out a whoosh of breath. “Wow.”
Kyle beamed at him, eyes bright under his glasses. “You don’t see that in the city.”
“No.” Eric’s heart was thudding against his ribs. He was filled with a strange adrenaline after being so close to wild animals, even ones as serene as those deer had been. In that moment, Kyle looked achingly beautiful.
Kyle eyed him curiously. “What?”
Eric shook his head. “Nothing.”
Kyle stared at him for another beat, then grinned and said, “You know what I could go for after this? Pancakes.”
Eric laughed, partly with relief that the tension had been diffused. “I can’t remember the last time I ate pancakes.”
“Well, that’s depressing. There’s a diner nearby that serves them all day. I checked.”
“You checked out pancake options before our hike?”
Kyle shrugged, still smiling. “I’m from Vermont. We take our pancakes seriously.”
Oh god. This version of Kyle was dangerously enchanting. When he was cheerful and flirty and playful, it took down all of Eric’s defenses. He wanted nothing more than to press Kyle against a tree and kiss him breathless.
But Kyle had already resumed his trek down the mountain, leaving Eric to trail, spellbound, after him.
An hour later they were sitting in a cozy booth at a classic New Jersey diner. Their server had just dropped off two large plates of pancakes. Eric tended to eat nutrient-packed, high protein meals, and pancakes were mostly empty calories, but he could indulge this once. They smelled amazing.
Eric watched as Kyle poured an ungodly amount of maple syrup on his pancakes.
“Vermont,” Kyle reminded him again when he caught him staring. He slid the bottle over to Eric, who poured a modest drizzle on his own plate.
Eric moaned when he had his first bite of pancake. “Oh my god. These are so good.”
“Right? You shouldn’t deprive yourself of pancakes.”
“I don’t know if you’re a good influence or a bad one.”
“Clearly good. Before you met me it was a dark existence of no pancakes and weak orgasms.”
Eric nearly spit out his next bite of pancake. He managed to swallow. “That’s true.” It was true. His life had been far from terrible before, but Kyle had made it fun.
Kyle was smiling at him now. His cheeks were still rosy from their hike, and his hair was a mess from being stuffed under a hat.
God, he was cute.
Eric tried not to imagine a life with Kyle based on their incredible day together. This day was a special one, and he shouldn’t let it mislead him into thinking they could have this every day. That they could be more.
What he hadn’t thought about all day was his retirement. The statement had, he assumed, been posted on social media and on the Admirals website that morning, but his phone was turned off and he was blissfully unaware of the reaction to the announcement.
“How are things at work?” he asked.
Kyle seemed surprised by the question. “At work? Fine, I guess. Gus has been even more absent than usual. I wish he cared more about the place. He only shows up often enough to make sure we haven’t changed anything. God forbid we improve the place.”
Eric had heard Kyle complain about Gus many times. He didn’t seem to hate the man—he had actually described him as a sweetheart—but he was frustrated by Gus’s apathy toward his business.
“What would you do with the place?” Eric asked. “If you were in charge?”
Kyle blew out a breath. “Well, for one thing we’d have a great cocktail menu. Including zero proof cocktails,” he added with a wink. “The décor could use some work. Probably an overhaul, really. I like the cozy tavern vibe, but it shouldn’t feel worn out and dirty, y’know?”
“It could use a bit of fixing up,” Eric agreed. He’d had the same thoughts about the bar himself. A bit of money and effort could make a world of difference to the place.
“Aram has mentioned wanting to organize more events there. Build more of a Kingfisher community.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“And we actually have a really good chef, but you wouldn’t know it. Lucy is way too talented for that place. If she had free rein in that kitchen, we’d have an incredible menu.”
Eric took all of this in, considering it. “Sounds like you guys have been thinking a lot about this.”
“For years. Oh my god. I love the place, seriously, but it needs help. I don’t know why Gus doesn’t just sell it. Although the new owners might just gut the place and fire us all.”
That would be a shame. The Kingfisher had really grown on Eric.
They ate in silence for a few minutes, Kyle devouring his pancakes with gusto, and Eric slowly savoring each maple-sweet, buttery mouthful.
“Thanks for suggesting this today,” Eric said when he had finished. “It was exactly what I needed.”
“Don’t thank me. I’m having a great day.”
“Well, I appreciate it, anyway. I know I’m not the most fun person on earth.”
“Oh my god. Can you please stop acting like you’re my old uncle Eric who I am forced to spend time with? You’re my friend, and I don’t mind looking at you, so this is all a win for me.”
Eric studied him for a minute. Kyle stared right back at him.
“Okay,” Eric said finally.
Kyle’s brain was a mess for the entire drive back to the city. He liked Eric so much. He wanted to tell him. He wanted to spend the rest of the day and night with him. He wanted to fall in love with him because he knew it wouldn’t take much. Just permission.
“Do you have to work tonight?” Eric asked.
“No, thank god. I’m way too tired for that.”
He glanced over and noticed that Eric’s jaw looked tense. “You’re not ready to face it, are you?” Kyle asked gently.
“Nope.”
When they reached Chelsea, Kyle said, “Why don’t you come up for a bit? We can avoid the real world a little longer.”
Eric seemed to consider the offer, and Kyle could sense the rejection coming.
“We both know what will happen if I go upstairs with you,” Eric said.
“Yeah. I thought—don’t you want that to happen?”
Eric’s knuckles were tight on the steering wheel, and his jaw was clenched as he stared straight ahead, avoiding Kyle’s gaze. “It doesn’t matter what I want. We can’t keep doing this.”
Kyle’s heart clenched. “Why?”
“Because I’m not the kind of person who can have sex with a friend and just be cool about it.” He dropped his hands into his lap and looked down at them. “I’m confusing what we’re doing with something...else. Something impossible.”
Kyle swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Impossible?”
Eric finally met his gaze, and Kyle could see tears in his eyes. “If things were different, Kyle—”
“No,” Kyle interrupted, fury welling inside him. “If you’re telling me that you have real feelings for me—that you want more—but you think the age difference is too much, then you can stop right now.”
“It’s true, though.”
“I’m not a kid.”
“And I’m not right for you, Kyle.”
Kyle shook his head, tears burning his eyes. “You are.” He may as well admit it. Nothing to lose now. “You’re perfect for me. Haven’t you noticed how good we are together? It can’t just be me who feels it.”
Eric smiled sadly back at him. “It’s not just you.”
“Well then?” Kyle’s voice broke on the second word.
“I’ll never forgive myself if I let you waste your time on me. Your youth.”
“Fuck my youth!” It tore out of Kyle, louder than he’d meant it to. “And fuck you for thinking I can’t make my own decisions.”
Eric lowered his head. “I was twenty-four when I married Holly. And sixteen years later we realized we weren’t right for each other.”
“So what? So you shouldn’t try in case one day you change your mind? You think falling in love isn’t worth the risk?”
Eric’s eyes went wide, and a tear spilled out, trailing down his cheek into his beard. “I know you think—”
“I know. I don’t think. I know how I feel about you. I want to be with you Eric. I—”
“You said it would be casual,” Eric said, a tremor of anger in his voice. “You said sex didn’t have to be a big deal. No strings attached, right?”
Kyle sniffed and looked away. “Right. Guess I fucked up.” He put his hand on the door handle. “Again.”
“Kyle...”
“Nope. I get it. This isn’t what you signed up for. I’m just a kid with a weakness for men who only see me as a fun time.” He opened the door, then turned back and said, bitterly, “You graduated, by the way. Top marks. Thank you for attending Kyle’s gay sex school.”
“Kyle—”
But Kyle was already out of the car, and slamming the door behind him.
Tears streamed down his face as he walked quickly to the elevator.
Why did he keep doing this? Why couldn’t he fall for a man who actually wanted to be with him?
The worst part was that he wasn’t sure Eric didn’t want to be with him.
If Kyle were a few years older, they’d probably be celebrating their monthiversary for real now.
Or maybe Eric had never even considered lowering himself to being in a relationship with a twenty-five-year-old homewrecker.
He finally made it to his apartment, which was mercifully empty, and locked the door firmly behind him. He slumped to the floor, his back to the door, and buried his face in his hands, miserable and frustrated.