I can’t do this right now
I can’t do this right now
After Sunday and the awful thing that had happened, Max returned to work on Monday, spoke with Bethan on the phone and apologised so many times, but on Tuesday evening before run club, everything still felt off.
His life that had been feeling more and more level, was once again, at an angle.
His head was still feeling the effects of the weekend, and just before he was about to head off to run club, he drank a glass of water and took a couple of aspirin.
Robbie was still at the sandwich shop, getting everything ready for opening day, and just before Max walked out the door, his phone rang.
He looked down and saw it was a call from his estate agent, Tanya.
Since putting the house on the market, she had been keeping him abreast of viewings, and they had spoken about a few potential offers, but nothing concrete had happened yet.
While at the house on Sunday, and despite the state he was in, he had noticed a change.
Tanya had the house cleaned from top to bottom, they had moved all the clutter into cupboards, and it just felt so much lighter and brighter. Max sat before answering.
‘Tanya, hi.’
‘Max, how are you?’
‘Yeah, good,’ he lied. ‘How’s things?’
‘Great actually, which is why I’m calling. We have an offer on the house.’
Max immediately sat up a little straighter, his senses becoming heightened and he was aware of a feeling inside of him that perhaps she had news that might change his life forever. This was the first time she had called him with an actual offer, and he had a decision to make.
‘OK. Is it a good offer?’
After a pause, Tanya spoke. ‘It’s a full cash offer. It doesn’t get much better than this, Max.’
‘Right, wow, that’s brilliant,’ said Max, but found himself unable to get excited about it. Obviously, Tanya detected the reticence in his tone.
‘Max, I know this is difficult for you, and I completely understand, it must be bittersweet, but from a financial point of view, this is an incredible deal. A full cash offer is the best we could hope for, and the cherry on the cake is that they’re a lovely family, already local to the area.’
‘Oh, right, that’s good. Just what we wanted.’
‘He’s a solicitor in London, she’s a GP in St Albans, and they have two young children, six and eight.
The minute I showed them around, they fell in love with it.
The kids played in the garden, the parents adored the house, and they did talk about extending it, but they loved the 1930s character, and they definitely want to keep that.
I think the house will be in good hands, Max, I really do. ’
It sounded perfect, the best deal they could have got, but Max still needed time to think about it, and process what selling the house would mean.
‘It sounds great, Tanya, but could I have a day to think about it?’
‘Of course, Max, no worries, but, and just because they’re so keen to get going, I’ll call you tomorrow, OK?’
‘Sounds good, and thank you, Tanya.’
‘Not to worry, it’s my job, and Max?’
‘Yes?’
‘I do genuinely think these are the people to love the house.’
Max thanked her again, and they said goodbye with Tanya telling Max she would speak to him tomorrow, and hopefully they could give the family an answer.
Max took a moment before he finally stood up and left for Common People.
It had been a difficult day at work, and he wasn’t ready for a 5k around Clapham Common, or to see Bethan for the first time since the weekend, but he knew he needed to face both head-on.
He had fallen down, but it was time to pick himself up and go again.
Seeing Bethan was difficult, and they arranged to have a drink in a nearby pub afterwards to talk before they set off on their run.
After the weekend, the last thing Max felt like doing was running, but he somehow dragged himself around the common, with Hope offering words of encouragement.
She could obviously tell that he was struggling, and kept him going when he might have quit by himself.
It was the power of community that lifted him up when he felt so low.
Before the run, during the circle, Anita had invited everyone to her house on Saturday for a proper Indian feast to celebrate running the Clapham Half in three weeks’ time.
She had already texted Joe and invited him and Dawn, and everyone else said they could make it.
Eventually, Max finished running, and after a quick goodbye, he and Bethan headed to the pub. It was the same pub they had gone to for the Common People Social Club, where Max had spoken to Bethan before, that felt like a hundred years ago now. Max got them a drink before they sat at a table.
‘I really am sorry,’ said Max, a glass of water on the table in front of him. Bethan had gone for a cool lemonade. ‘I, umm, just saw him, and it was like everything fell apart at that moment, and I couldn’t think straight.’
‘It was the first time you had actually met him in person?’
‘Yeah. I knew his name from an article in the paper, but I had no idea where he lived or anything. I just knew his name, age, and that one day he had lost control of his lorry and killed my parents. So, when I saw him at the grave, I lost it. I don’t know what came over me.’
‘It’s understandable, Max. I can’t imagine meeting the people involved in the crash that killed Jake.’
‘I know, but you deserve better. I was so excited about our date.’
‘Me too,’ she replied, a sadness in her voice.
‘I had something great organised, and I was just going to pop to St Albans, and be back before lunch. I didn’t imagine what would happen. I’m so sorry, Bethan.’
‘Stop apologising,’ said Bethan with a smile, before she reached across the table and placed a hand softly over his. ‘I understand, Max. What you’ve been through would wreck anyone.’
It felt like a wave of calm washed over him, and that everything was going to be all right.
Robbie had been right when he said that it was just a wee moment of weakness, and all the good work he had put in wasn’t going to be wasted.
Bethan understood, and they could still go on their date, and put this all behind them.
It had been the thing he had been thinking about all day at work.
He couldn’t stand the thought that meeting Barry would take Bethan away from him too.
How much more could one stranger take? So just the thought that she understood, and seemed OK with it, made him feel so much better about it.
He’d had a bad day, but it didn’t mean it was going to ruin the rest of his life.
If Bethan could get over it, then so could he.
‘Thanks. I can book the date again for this weekend, if you’re still up for it?’
Bethan removed her hand from his, and her face that had been smiling, was suddenly changed.
The smile had been replaced with something far more reserved.
He could see that she seemed hesitant to speak, but knew she had to say something.
‘Max, I understand, but I also think that you aren’t ready for this.
Clearly you still have things to work through. We both do.’
‘Bethan, please, I’m fine. It was just a blip. It’s what Robbie said on Sunday. A wee moment of weakness, but I’m fine now.’
‘Max, you aren’t fine, and that’s OK. You don’t have to pretend for me. You still have things to work on and work out. I still have things to work on, too. We lost the people we loved the most, and I don’t think that us getting together now is the right thing to do.’
‘Oh,’ said Max, feeling deflated, the weight of what happened on Sunday suddenly back. ‘But I thought you understood, and that meant we were OK.’
‘We are OK, but we can’t start a relationship when clearly you still have so much to work through and get over.
I’m sorry, Max, but right now, I think we need to have a break from each other.
I’ve had my heart broken once before; I can’t risk getting it broken again so soon.
I was already worried about us before the weekend, whether we were ready for a relationship, and clearly I was worried for a reason. You aren’t ready Max, and that’s OK.’
Max couldn’t believe it. Barry had taken something else away from him, and this time it was the future.
He looked across the table at Bethan, and he knew he couldn't change her mind. He also knew that she was right, and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. She was just protecting herself, and she was right to do so. What’s to say that he wouldn’t have another blip and then another, and what if the next one was worse, or lasted for longer.
After everything he had put Emma through, he knew he couldn’t do it to Bethan too.
‘I really like you Max, and maybe one day, when we’re both ready, we can try again but for the time being, I need to put myself first. I just can’t do this right now.’
‘OK,’ replied Max quietly. ‘Understood.’
‘Are you OK?’
‘Yeah, fine. Honestly,’ said Max with a forced smile.
‘I’ll see you on Thursday for run club?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘OK then,’ said Bethan, standing up. ‘I really do want to be a part of your life.’
‘I know, me too.’
‘See you.’
‘Bye,’ Max replied, before he watched her walk away.
It had been an emotional day from getting the news about the house, to Bethan telling him she was putting them on hold for the time being.
Max wanted a drink so badly, just one drink to ease the voices, and calm the emotions that were swirling inside of him.
He would just have one beer before he went home.
One beer, and that was it. He needed it. It would help.