Embrace the chaos
The following day, after his talk with Bethan, and with everything else that had happened swirling around his mind, Max took the day off work, using one of his flex-days, and headed to St Albans to meet with Tanya.
He took the train from London to St Albans, meeting Tanya outside of the house on a warm, bright Wednesday morning.
Tanya was holding a takeaway coffee, and Max had got himself a flat white from his favourite coffee shop in St Albans.
‘Sorry I’m late,’ said Max. She was standing on the driveway. They had arranged to meet at ten o’clock, and it was ten past. ‘I really needed a coffee.’
‘Not to worry, it’s a gorgeous day. Shall we head inside?’
‘After you,’ he said, and he followed her to the front door, before he opened it, and they walked through to the kitchen, where they sat at the breakfast bar. ‘Thanks for meeting me here.’
‘Of course. I know this is a big deal for you, and I’m happy to do whatever it is you need.’
‘I’m going to sell,’ said Max quickly. He just needed to say it, to get it out in the universe.
After a drink at the pub the night before, he had gone back to the flat and spent the evening deep in thought about the house.
It was obvious that he needed to sell it.
The offer was good, the buyers seemingly perfect, and the time was right.
It would feel so strange not to have it anymore and to just hand it off to someone else.
He couldn’t just pop in and see all of his parents' things and visit the house where he had grown up, but he knew it was time to let it go and move on.
‘That’s great news,’ said Tanya with a comforting smile. ‘I know this is hard, Max, but I think you’re doing the right thing. The buyers are great people, and I know they’ll love it here.’
‘I hope they’re as happy as we were,’ replied Max, before Tanya went on to explain what would happen next.
She was going to email him some initial documents to sign, and then she would email him a comprehensive to-do list. Fortunately, the buyers were currently renting, and because they were cash buyers with money from a previous sale, and with the house not occupied, everything could be done quickly and efficiently.
‘There is something we need to discuss,’ said Tanya. ‘It’s about emptying the house. I know it’s something that must be difficult, Max, and if you need help, I’ll be more than happy to suggest companies that can come in and take everything away for you. Whatever you need, please just let me know.’
‘Thanks, and I know it needs to be done. I’ve been putting it off forever.’
‘And I don’t want to rush you, I don’t, but the sooner it’s done the better. Like I said, if it’s something you can’t deal with yourself, and you just want to take a few things, I’ll be happy to organise a company to come in and take everything away.’
Clearing the house was something Max had known he needed to do for a long time, but like so many things about losing his parents, he just couldn’t bear it.
He would take Tanya up on her offer because it seemed like the easiest thing to do.
He would take a few things for sentimental value, but everything else could be taken away.
They were, after all, just things and the memories of them, of that house would remain, but the actual physical objects needed to go.
Keeping hold of them, of the house itself, was only weighing him down and keeping him anchored to his grief.
‘That would be great, and Tanya, thanks so much for everything. I really appreciate it.’
‘It’s been a pleasure,’ she replied with a smile, and with that they were done.
She said she would organise the whole house to be emptied, and would give him the date so he had time to come in and take whatever he wanted first. She would email him everything else, and then she said goodbye, leaving Max alone in his parents’ house.
As soon as Tanya was gone, Max wandered around the house, taking it all in, and remembering all the moments he could.
He wanted to keep them all in the cloud in his mind, safely downloaded for future happiness.
After his conversation with Bethan, and now with the house being sold, it felt like life was moving on.
Everything was happening, whether he was ready or not, and he still felt like he had some big decisions to make going forwards.
There was a hole in his life, left by the grief that had filled it for so long, and as he moved away from the past, he still wasn’t sure what sort of future he wanted.
As he walked down the stairs, he saw a figure at the front door, and then the knocker went.
Max had no idea who it might be. Perhaps it was someone trying to sell something, but they were definitely at the wrong house for that.
He opened the door, and standing outside was the familiar figure of Jane, from next-door.
She was in her fifties now, but still looked like the women he had known growing up.
A little greyer, a few more wrinkles, but still Jane.
‘Jane, hello.’ They hadn’t spoken in a while, but she had come to the funeral and been so kind afterwards.
‘Hello, Max. I thought I saw you come in with a lady, and I thought I should say hello. It’s been a while.’
‘Yes, it has. Come in.’
‘If it’s not a bad time.’
‘It’s fine. I’ll put the kettle on,’ said Max, and he stepped aside to let her in.
Jane Driscoll was married to Simon, and they had a daughter, Rose, who had left for university, and never returned home to live.
The last Max had heard, she was living and working in Cornwall.
Simon was one of those men who always seemed to be at work, while Jane was a stay-at-home wife, who hadn’t ever worked as far as Max knew, even after Rose had left for university.
They walked into the kitchen, and Max flicked the switch to turn the kettle on.
‘I’ve just agreed to sell the house. The lady you saw was my estate agent.’
‘Oh, right, that’s good. It’s been a long time, and you know, they would have wanted you to sell it, use the money for something worthwhile.’
‘But that’s the problem, Jane, I’m not sure what I want to do with my life. I still have most of the money from their life insurance, and I’m not sure what to do with any of it.’
The kettle came to a boil, and Max poured water into two mugs. He had brought along a small carton of milk, and there were still some biscuits left in the biscuit tin. He walked across and sat with Jane.
‘You know the thing your parents always said about you, Max, was that they were so proud of your determination and will to succeed. Not everyone gets jobs at the BBC, you know.’
‘I know, and I used to be so sure of my goals, and what I wanted to do, but since I lost them, I’ve been flailing. Nothing seems to grab me anymore. Even my job, that I love, have always loved, doesn’t excite me in the way it used to.’
‘I know what you need,’ said Jane, as Max got up to finish their tea.
‘What’s that?’
‘A holiday away from it all. Have you thought about taking one of those, oh, what do you call them? Begins with an s. A break from work.’
‘Sabbatical?’
‘Yes! That’s it, a sabbatical. You could take a few months off, and go travelling or something.
You’re still so young, you have all the time in the world to work, but maybe it’s time you take some time for yourself.
Go out there, Max, see the world, experience life for a little bit, and maybe when you come back, you’ll have more of an idea what it is you want to do. ’
‘You know,’ said Max, plopping the tea bags into the bin. ‘That’s not a bad idea.’
‘It’s what Rose did after uni. She left university, not really sure what it was she wanted to do with herself, and so she went travelling for a year.
Rose was always so bright, so creative, but she lacked direction, you know?
So, she went travelling, all around Asia, Australia, New Zealand, somewhere else I can’t remember where, and then she finished up in America.
She had the time of her life, but more importantly, when she came back, she knew exactly what she wanted to do.
She moved to Cornwall soon after getting back, and now she runs a successful photography and travel business with her partner, Adam. ’
‘That’s great,’ said Max, returning to the breakfast bar with two cups of tea, before he put some biscuits on a plate. ‘I’m glad she’s doing well.’
‘She is now, but like I said, before she went travelling, she had no idea what to do with herself. Travelling really helped her focus her mind on what it was she wanted to do when she got back. She also met Adam in Thailand, and he wanted to start his own travel business, so it all just sort of worked itself out.’
‘And you think it might for me too?’
‘Do you know one of the things I loved most about your parents?’ asked Jane, and Max shook his head.
‘They appreciated the good things in life. Whenever you had a break from school, you were off somewhere for a few days here or a few days there. I know they had big plans to travel further afield over the next few years, but they knew that spending time together, enjoying life was the most important thing. Remember that, Max. Everything you have in London will be there when you get back, and you have the luxury that most people your age don’t have, and that’s money.
So, enjoy it because I know it would’ve made your parents very happy. ’
Max sat with Jane, thinking about everything she had said to him.
Was it possible she was right, and what he needed was a break from life?
He hadn’t taken much time off after his parents’ deaths, and he had ploughed on, falling into the trap of alcohol and trying to keep living the same life, but it hadn’t helped.
Now he had the money, and if work was willing to give him time off, maybe he could spend some time really working out what to do next.
After tea and biscuits, Jane said she had better get on, and he showed her to the front door.
‘My estate agent said a nice family is moving in. He’s a solicitor in London, she’s a GP in St Albans, and they have two young children.’
‘Perfect! It’s what your parents would’ve wanted.
OK, bye, Max. Hopefully I see you again, but if I don’t, good luck.
Remember, life is short, so try and enjoy it.
You know, my mum always used to say, embrace the chaos.
It was one of her many sayings, but I always loved that one.
Life is never as clean, as easy or as ordered as we’d like it, Max, so embrace the chaos! ’
‘Thanks, I will,’ said Max, and after a quick hug goodbye, Jane left, and Max was once again, alone in his parents’ house.
He would return once more when it was time to clean it out, but otherwise it was time to say goodbye, and move on.
The future was out there somewhere, and Max had to go and find it. It was time to embrace the chaos!