Chapter 47
Chapter forty-seven
Hendrix · Now
Stay Away From My Friends – Pierce The Veil
I poke my head around the living room door.
My chest flutters as Cole makes himself right at home on the couch next to Riley.
He kicks his feet up on the coffee table, snags the remote, and hugs a black mug to his chest while Riley tells him all about the book she’s editing.
I press my fingers to my tingling lips, the imprint of last night's kiss still lingering.
As if he can sense me, Cole peers over his shoulder, and a boyish grin lights up his face—the kind of grin that only leads to trouble.
My heart pounds.
I didn’t mean to kiss him in the studio last night. But the moment I did, I couldn’t stop. Every single thing I’ve felt for him for the last sixteen years crashed against my walls and tore them down one by one.
But the thing is a kiss like that, with a man like Cole Hayes, is never just a kiss.
It’s a promise. A memory.
A lifetime of what ifs?
When Talia interrupted us because our take-away arrived, I was grateful to have a moment to not think about it. But then Cole slipped into the spare room straight after dinner, his phone tucked to his ear with Saint on the other end of the line, I felt adrift.
Two kisses now, and still we haven’t spoken about what any of it means.
What we mean.
Clicking heels on hardwood draws my attention.
I inhale a slow breath, twisting my neck as Talia slinks up beside me.
She peers into the lounge, before facing me with a grin.
“He seems like a really great guy, Hendrix,” she says, her voice low and meant only for me. “I like him.”
Me too.
A smile tugs at my lips. “He’s the best person I’ve ever known.”
“I can see that.”
Cole’s head tips back, laughter pouring from him as Riley gestures wildly with her hands. I feel Talia watching me, but I can’t tear my gaze away from the scene playing out in front of me.
Two worlds colliding.
My past, my present, and everything in between.
Talia bumps my shoulder, then drops her head against my bicep.
“I won’t hate you, you know,” she whispers.
I rip my gaze away from Cole and peer down at her. “What are you talking about?”
A sad sort of smile flashes over her face. “If you don’t come back when you’re finished with the album.”
“Of course I’m coming back.” I nudge her with my arm, playful, even as a heavy weight settles on top of me.
“You shouldn’t.”
“Talia…” My throat closes. I force the lump down and curl my lips into a smirk. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”
“Never.” She looks up at me then, her eyes misty. “But if there is any part of you that is holding back because of me and the studio, I need you to know that it’s okay to let go. I’ve got this shit. If anything, I’ll get way more work done when you’re not around.”
I grunt. “Gee, thanks.”
She sighs, taps my arm with her fingers, and pulls away.
I try to keep my gaze on her as she walks away, but a deep, rumbling laugh drags me back into the living room.
Talia makes a soft sound. “Choose yourself for once, Hendrix.”
Her footsteps fade down the hall.
I search for the walls in the mind, to re-erect them and barricade the swirling emotions inside, but they don’t come. My gut clenches, my bones heavy. I curl trembling fingers around the doorframe.
I didn’t plan any of this when I agreed to write with him again.
I made a life. A decent one. A fulfilling one.
It was supposed to be enough.
Cole pushes off the couch then and starts towards me.
I inhale a slow, steadying breath, and plaster a smile on my face.
“Hey,” he says, “Riles is just about done. Are you ready to get out of here and head home?”
Home… I don’t even know where that is anymore.
I glance down the hall, catching Talia watching me from the kitchen doorway.
She nods, as if seeing the answer to a question she hasn’t voiced.
I blink as she retreats.
Cole brushes my arm with his knuckles. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I shake away the fog. “I’ll go grab my bags, and then we can hit the road.”
I toss my backpack onto the floor and perch myself on the bed while Riley busies herself looking over every inch of the bedroom.
Cole ran off as soon as we got back with barely a whisper of a goodbye. Apparently Carter needed him for something important. We still haven’t spoken about anything. Not sure that’s a bad thing right now since I can’t turn my mind off long enough to focus on anything.
Riley whistles low through her teeth when she peeks in the bathroom. “This place is fancy.”
I chuckle, my gaze never straying from my hands as I spin my thumb ring. They’ve given Riley her own flat for the duration of her stay, on the same floor as Cole and me, but she just threw her suitcase inside and then came straight in here with me.
The bed dips beside me.
“Are you okay?” Riley asks, her knees bouncing. “You’ve been really quiet today.”
“Yeah.” I hiss as I catch a nail under the ring. “Just got a lot on my mind.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I chew my lip, clenching my eyes shut as a gust of wind rattles the window. “I don’t know.”
“Okay, we don’t have to.” She presses her shoulder to mine for a beat, her warmth doing little to ease the ice slinking through my veins.
“Tell me a fun fact, Riles,” I say.
She hums, her fingers wiggling in her lap. “Did you know that giraffes are thirty times more likely to be fatally struck by lightning than humans.”
I shake my head.
“It’s because of their height,” she says. “It makes them natural lightning rods, and they tend to inhabit open savannas, which increases their risk during a storm.”
“How do you know this fact?”
Riley and I often play this game when things are too hard for one of us. I ask for the fact, she delivers. She asks for the fact, I Google. My brain doesn’t hold things the way hers does.
“I was terrified of storms when I was a kid,” she tells me.
“The bright flashes, the thick air, the noises. I used to hide under my bed. I couldn’t talk back then, so I didn’t know how to communicate that fear.
My dad figured it out after a couple years, and he spent days researching every fact about storms so he could assure me I’d be completely safe. ”
I blink as tears caress my lashes. “You never told me that.”
“I was saving this fact for when we most needed it.”
“Why now?”
“Because I think you’re facing a storm that terrifies you.”
I look up at her, only to gasp when her eyes lock with mine.
Riley doesn’t do eye contact. It’s a sensory nightmare for her. But she’s looking at me right now, and I can’t tear away from her slate grey irises.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I whisper. “And everyone keeps saying all these things to me. I feel like I’m being ripped in two. I don’t know how to make everyone happy without hurting somebody.”
“Why do you have to make everyone happy?” She places a trembling hand on top of mine. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to fit into a box for other people’s comfort. It’s fucking exhausting. And for years, I’ve watched you do the same thing. But when you came here, you expanded.”
My shoulders shake, a tear spilling down my cheek.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” she says, her voice soft and warm. “Cole brings out this … sparkle in you. You smile differently, you walk lighter, you breathe more.”
“What do I do, Riles?”
“You do what makes you happy, Hendrix.” Her fingers flex but she doesn’t pull them away. “And whatever that decision is, I’ll be right there by your side the whole time. You’re my favourite human. So, if that means we pick up sticks and I become a London gal, that’s what we’re gonna do.”
I sniff, brushing my sleeve under my nose. “I can’t ask you to give up your life for me, Riles.”
She scoffs, pulls her hand back, and looks away. She pulls in a deep breath as a perfect, beautiful smile splits her face. “As if you have any say in what I do with my life.”
My entire body warms. “I love you, you know.”
“I know.” She smiles. “Now go talk to him.”
Cole isn’t in his flat when I knock at the door.
I blow out a slow breath, before spinning on my heels.
My Vans click against steel as I jog up the stairs and onto Saint and Theo’s floor.
I rap my knuckles on their door. If there’s anyone else I can talk to about all this, it’s Saint.
Someone shouts from the inside.
I hear the echo of footsteps before the door creaks open.
Saint pokes his head through the cracked door, his face blanking. “Rix?”
“Is this a bad time?”
A frown pulls at my lips when a door slams from somewhere inside.
Saint peeks behind him, the door creaking a slither more.
I peer over his shoulder.
Cole, Axel, and Carter are all inside.
Oh.
I step back on unsteady feet. “I can come back later.”
Saint clears his throat and shuffles out into the hallway, pulling the door closed behind him. “No, you’re fine.”
He cards a hand through his messy hair and I scan the ink sleeving his arms.
Pretty sure the vivid pink and purple pen strokes weren’t there yesterday, and is that a unicorn sticker on his elbow ditch?
“New ink?” I ask on a chuckle.
His gaze darts to his arm.
He swallows. “Teddy.”
Huh. “I didn’t know she was into art?”
“She’s gone full Banksy these days.” He chokes out a laugh, folding his hands behind back. “Women and their weird hobbies, right?”
“Right.”
“What’s up anyway?” he asks, rocking back on his heels. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Yeah, I—” I blink as a loud thud sounds from his flat. “I just wanted to talk to you or Cole, maybe?”
A muscle tics in his jaw. “Like right now?”
“I mean, yeah?"
Another bang, followed by a loud shout that echoes through the door.
My brows furrow. “Is everything okay in there?”
“Yeah, we’re just hanging.” Saint shrugs. “Shooting the shit.”
This is what was so important that Cole had to dash off?
“I’ll leave you to it then.” I school my expression. Pins and needles flood my fingers and I shove my hands in my back pockets. “I’ll come back in a bit.”
He raps his fist on his thigh. “Might be best.”
His shoes click as he taps his foot, hand curling around the handle as if he’s more than eager to get back inside rather than hang around in a cold hallway with me.
Lead settles in my gut.
I kind of thought things were getting better, that the guys were letting me in more. But the way Saint is watching me makes me wonder if everything I’ve thought to be true is just a fantasy I’m trying to force into reality.
“Right.” My legs are heavy as I walk backwards. “I’ll just… Go.”
I spin and stumble over my laces.
My cheeks flare, but I don’t look back as I scurry down the hall.
“Rix, wait—”
“I’ll see you later.” I wave a hand over my shoulder and drag the steel door open.
It slams shut behind me.
I sprint down the stairs, eyes burning.
I don’t even know why. It’s not as if I didn’t know they had a whole life without me. I’m the one who walked away from them and gave it all up.
Still, knowing is one thing.
Seeing it with my own eyes?
Like a fucking whip to the face.
My feet carry me all the way down without thought, heading straight for the exit.
I force myself to halt when I reach the ground floor.
Isn’t this exactly why I’m on the other side of that door? Because I ran ten years ago?
If I run again, I can kiss goodbye to all of them forever.
I can kiss goodbye to Cole and everything we could be.
If I run now, I don’t know that I’ll ever stop running.
My lungs batter my ribcage.
I dart my gaze between the front door and the stairs.
I heave in a ragged breath, and do the only thing I know how.