Chapter 51
Istare at the envelope on the kitchen table in front of me. It was handed back to Ella along with Jimmer’s personal effects. And it’s addressed to me. I’ve had it for over a week now and I still haven’t been able to open it. I don’t wanna read Prez’s final words, if I do it means I’ll have to accept that I’ll never see him again. I get that he had these big plans for me, but right now I ain’t feeling much like a leader. I’ve completely checked out. I haven’t been there for my brothers, I haven’t even been able to comfort Maddy. I’ve been good for fuckin’ nothing
“You need to open that letter.” Maddy comes outta the bathroom and sits beside me at the table when she notices me staring at it again.
“He had things he wanted to say to you. Don’t you wanna know what they are?”
I don’t answer her because I have no fuckin’ words. All I have is anger and hurt and I know what a lethal combination that can be. I found out the day after the incident who was responsible and since then all I’ve been able to think about is destroying everything he deemed important. I have to shut Maddy and everyone else out because I don’t want them to know the thoughts that are going through my head.
“Jessie, you need—” She looks past me when the cabin door opens but I remain staring at the way my name looks in his handwriting. I feel a hand squeeze my shoulder but still don’t bother turning around to see who it is.
“How ya holdin’ up?” Skid’s deep voice is much softer than usual and when Maddy smiles up at him sadly I want to scream at them both for pitying me.
“Listen, Jess. I’ve been tryin’ to find the right time to do this, and I figured that today would be fittin’.” Skid reaches over me and places the president’s badge from Jimmer’s cut on the table. “He asked me to give it to ya when I visited him a few days before he left the facility at Fort Collins. It’s kinda become a tradition for me to sew these on since we lost Carly.” Maddy offers him another sad smile when he mentions her. “I thought maybe we could get ya patched up before the funeral.” I pick up the patch and squeeze it tight in my fist.
“This club needs its leader, Jess, and it ain’t just Prez who wanted it to be you. You know where to find me when ya ready.” He squeezes my shoulder again before he steps out and closes the door behind him.
“You should start gettin’ ready,” I tell Maddy blankly as I hold the president’s patch tight and wonder how the hell I’ll ever measure up to a man like Jimmer Carson. The reality is, that I won’t. No one ever could.
“Jessie.” She reaches her hand out to comfort me and I quickly stand up.
“Skid’s right, this club needs to be led, and I can’t do it.” I shake my head as my stomach knots up and my chest compresses.
“Of course, you can.” She looks so desperate for me to believe her, but she doesn’t understand how big this is.
“No, Maddy, this isn’t some ‘believe in yourself and you can achieve’ fuckin’ bullshit. This is the fuckin’ club. A president has to make life-or-death decisions and I can’t do that without him. I can’t.” I feel the sweat building under my collar.
“You can.” She stands up herself, looking real determined as she comes toward me. “Jessie, you may not have seen it, but Prez has been relying on you for a while now, probably ever since he found out he was sick. You know how to run this club, you know how to lead your brothers and you know that you”re the best man for the job. This club needs you, and we need you too.” She takes my hand and presses it against her stomach, and when a tiny smile lifts on her lips I stare at her in complete shock.
“I found out three days ago.” Her smile grows wider and my world suddenly stops fuckin’ spinning.
“Are ya sure?” A smile of my own creeps its way onto my lips as everything that’s wrong with the world seems to fade into the background.
“I took a whole lot of tests, I’m sure. We made it happen, Jessie.” Maddy shrugs her shoulders and she looks so fuckin’ cute, it swallows up all the pain in my chest. I slide my hand around the back of her head and force her lips onto mine. Kissing her so hard that she starts to giggle. My body feels like I’ve just been hit up with a shot of adrenaline, my heart is soaring and suddenly all I can think about is the future.
“Why didn’t ya tell me?” I step back so I can look her over. I should have noticed, how the fuck could my wife be pregnant without me knowing about it.
“You were freaking out about all this and no time felt like a good one. I wanted it to be special, and I figured?—”
“We’re havin’ a baby.” I cut her off so I can say the words out loud. I need to hear them to believe it.
“We are, and I want to raise it right here, in this club surrounded by all our friends and family. There’s no better man than you to take the reins from Jimmer and keep us all safe. We need you to believe that.”
I let her words sink in as I touch my hand to her stomach again. We’re bringing a child into the world. A world I have to protect them from. A world I want to make better for them, and suddenly it dawns on me that she’s right. I gotta have faith in myself if I’m gonna do that.
“You stay right there.” I point my finger at her, picking up the president’s patch from the table and kissing her before I head out the door.
I rush across the yard and let myself into Skid’s cabin. He’s all alone fixing his tie in the mirror and looks a little shocked by the sudden interruption.
“Ya good?” he checks, looking concerned when I take off my cut and place it flat on his table. I pull my knife out from my belt and slice the blade under the thread that’s had my Vice President’s patch attached to the leather, before heading over to him.
“If I’m doin’ this, I’m doin’ it with you as my second.” I hold it up between us.
Skid looks at the patch I’m holding between my thumb and finger and furrows his brow. I know over the past few years he’s had to face his demons, but he’s come out fighting. He’s smart, and a steady thinker. There’s no questioning that it should be him.
“It’ll be an honor.” He nods his head, taking the patch from me and pulling me in.
“Let’s go make him proud,” I tell my VP, with a newfound confidence, and a whole lotta incentive to continue on what Jimmer Carson started.
* * *
Skid is with me when I step into the clubhouse where everyone is gathered, ready to pay their respects to Prez. Maddy smiles at me proudly when she sees the President’s patch sewn onto my cut.
“Church!” I call out and when my brothers start to step forward I shake my head.
“Not just you. All of ya.” I look at all the old ladies and the kids that are here too, then turning around I start leading them all toward the chapel. Each footstep I take feels a little easier to make, knowing that they’re behind me and when I take my new place and stand at the head of the table I wait until everyone’s inside, crammed in close and surrounding the table before I start.
“I wanted to call ya all together before people start arrivin’.” I reach into my cut and take out the envelope that was included with the letter Jimmer wrote me.
“This letter is addressed to family.” I look at Ella who dries a tear from her eye and smiles at me encouragingly. I know she had a letter from her dad too, so this that I’m holding was meant for everyone.
“Let’s see what he had to say.” I swallow bravely as I open it up.
To everyone who matters,
I guess since you’re reading this I’ve finally met my maker and I hope Jessie got you all rounded up so I can give you one last order.
DON’T BE SAD.
I mean that.
Yeah, I’m gone, but I went out on my terms, the same way that I lived my life, and for that, I have no regrets.
I’ve watched all of you come together over the years. I’ve seen you fall in love, and I’ve watched you fight for it. You’ll never know how honored I was to have played my tiny part in that.
Everyone deserves to have a love story in their lives, and this club and what we made it, was mine. It’s a story that will continue through all of you and long after we’re gone.
So, don’t be sad for me. Jimmer Carson got his happy-ever-after. He found it in all of you.
Love you all
Jimmer
I can barely see the words for the tears in my eyes when I get to the end, and when I look up at the family that Jimmer created I lead by example and smile.
“You heard what the man said,” I tell ‘em.
Rogue winks at me from where she’s leaning over Grimm’s shoulders and when I look at Troj he nods his head.
“Let’s go celebrate all that he achieved.” I pick up the gavel and slam it, and Skid nearly knocks me off my feet when he slaps me on the back.
I hold back as I watch everyone leave with tears in their eyes, but smiles on their faces, just how Jimmer would have wanted it.
“You ready, Prez?” I look at the last person left in the room and reaching out for her hand I tug her closer.
“I’m ready.” I smile at my wife before I lift her off her feet and kiss her lips. Because, with her at my side, I feel like I could face just about anything.
* * *
The sun shone while we laid Jimmer Carson to rest beside his daughter. Tears spilled and hearts broke, but we stood united, not just as a club but as a family. Brothers from all over showed up to pay their respects. Brothers who all look at me differently now. The clubhouse filled with people, all who have stories to tell. Stories about a man who took a vision that he had and made it happen and, in doing so, changed lives.
I look across the room to my wife and watch her laugh with the president of our Nevada charter as he tells her about the time him and Prez got locked in a chicken farm for a night. I watch Jimmer’s grandkids play with kids from other charters, and as I step over to the bar where there”s a framed photo of our founder, wearing his cut and watching over us all, I raise my glass to him one last time.