Chapter 15
A fter a few hours of sitting in a stiff bed in a curtained off-room, I was itching to leave. The hospital was starting to feel like a prison.
I was exhausted yet restless at the same time - the thin, scratchy blankets offering little warmth or comfort. But I was still more comfortable than Devin, who was hunched over in a plastic chair next to my hospital bed. He spent most of the time scrolling his phone, as there wasn’t much else to do between tests, but he always kept one hand locked with mine. I laced my fingers through his, feeling the cold metal of his rings pressing against my skin.
I ached to tell him the truth. In one night, he’d carried my unconscious self into the break room, driven me to the hospital despite my protests, and stayed with me in said hospital for hours. On the surface, it was because he was a kind-hearted person, and I was a friend in need of aid. But I knew it went so much deeper than that. Because he wouldn’t be gripping my hand in his, rubbing his thumb along my knuckles, if I was merely a friend to him .
He noticed me staring at him and looked up from his phone. He smiled. It was the same warm, reassuring smile he’d given me all night, and it made me both overjoyed and sick with guilt.
I’d already had multiple tests done. The CT scan was easy, but when it came time for the ultrasound and I realized exactly where that long, thin wand was supposed to go, I panicked. I hated explaining to doctors that vaginal exams were too painful for me to undergo. Thankfully this doctor wasn’t pushy, and he offered an abdominal ultrasound instead.
But that came with limits, he had explained. Without a full internal ultrasound or pelvic exam, they couldn’t guarantee a good look at my reproductive organs. They could miss something that would normally lead to a diagnosis.
Which was why when the doctor finally made it into the room and told me all findings were normal, I nearly cried out in frustration. Even though I’d protested going to the hospital, once we were there, I was desperate for a diagnosis. I wanted there to be something wrong so that they could fix it.
No findings meant that I was stuck without answers.
Maybe my period pain really is just me being dramatic.
“Should I leave the room?” Devin asked, turning towards me.
I nodded. If I needed to disclose further information about my reproductive history, it was best that he did not hear it.
Devin released my hand and stood up, brushing the curtains out of the way as he left. The space between my fingers suddenly felt very empty without him.
“No findings means that we’ve ruled out most causes, such as ovarian cysts,” The doctor continued. “But that also leaves us with another possible d iagnosis.”
My ears perked up, and I sat upright, hanging on her words.
“I think you have endometriosis.”
Endo — what?
Wait…
I had heard of that condition before. It was mentioned on the medical websites when I did my initial internet searches, and the pelvic physical therapist mentioned it during my session.
“What is that?”
“It’s a condition where endometrial tissue, the kind that lines your uterus, grows in other parts of your body,” the doctor explained. “It can stick to other organs in your abdomen and bind them together, causing a variety of health issues.”
“What kinds of health issues?”
“It varies between cases, but common symptoms are severely painful or abnormal periods, digestion issues, bladder issues, sexual dysfunction, and…”
Upon hearing the last symptom, my torso shot up out of bed.
WHAT!?
“Sexual dysfunction?” I repeated, unsure if I’d heard her correctly.
“Yes. A lot of women with endometriosis suffer from painful sex or have difficulty with penetration.”
I sat upright, frozen and stiff as a board, as my mind pieced together the reality of my diagnosis. My sexual issues aren’t all just in my head? There’s actually something wrong with me?
It felt nauseating and liberating at the same time. I wasn’t imagining things. I was broken, but in a way that could be fixed .
A single hospital trip had just lifted years of emotional baggage off my shoulders. It was hard for me to process. The whole room seemed to swirl, like my head was stuck underwater.
“How do you treat endometriosis?” The question hurriedly shot out of my mouth.
“Well, the endometrial tissue won’t show up in standard medical scans. The only way to get a confirmed diagnosis is through surgery. It’s called a laparoscopy, and it’s a minimally invasive procedure that only takes a few hours. It won’t cure your endometriosis, but it will significantly improve your symptoms. There’s a gynecological surgeon in Lakeland who specializes in endometriosis—I’ll give you his contact information. Now, do you have any other questions?”
I had a million. But I was also eager to leap out of the hospital bed and return to Critical Games, so I decided to save my questions for the surgeon.
“Nope,” I shook my head. “I’ll contact the surgeon first thing tomorrow morning.”
“Excellent.” The nurse clasped her hands together. “I’ll put together your discharge paperwork, and a nurse will be in shortly to administer some pain medication. It was a pleasure meeting you, Avery.”
“Likewise.”
As she walked away, she tilted her head over her shoulder. “Want me to let your boyfriend back in?”
“He’s not…”
Oh fuck it. There was no point in correcting her.
“Um, yes, please, you can let him in.”
She disappeared behind the rustling curtain, and Devin re-emerged a few seconds later. I couldn’t help but notice the smug grin stretched across his face.
“The doc said I could come back in,” he said in a singsong tone as he plopped back in his plastic chair. “To see my girlfriend .”
I rolled my eyes as a hot, red flush tinted my cheeks.
“So what did she say?” he asked.
I sighed. “The doctor said I have a condition called endometriosis.”
“What’s that?”
“Long story short, it’s a disease that causes a bunch of reproductive issues. She said I’m going to need surgery.”
“Surgery?” Devin’s eyebrows raised.
“She said it’s minimally invasive. Shouldn’t be a big deal.” I tried to shrug it off, but on the inside my chest was quivering. I hated just stepping foot in hospitals, let alone being cut open in one.
Devin scoffed, as if he didn’t believe me. But his gaze was warm and gentle as he rubbed my shoulder.
“I owe you another big thank you, by the way,” I noted.
“What do you mean?”
“For insisting I come here. If it weren’t for you, I never would’ve gotten a diagnosis.”
“Well…” Devin shrugged. “You would’ve gone to the doctor sooner or later and found out.”
I raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “Devin, I really hate hospitals. But you helped me face my fear tonight. So thank you. I owe you one.”
“You’re welcome.” He smiled. “And you don’t owe me anything, but I do have one question that I’d like you to answer.”
“What is it?”
He took a long, deep breath, and my body tensed with anticipation .
“These medical issues you’re having…” He paused, raking a hand through his hair. “They’re not related to…you leaving me last week, are they?”
His words were like a punch to the stomach. He knew. There was no point in hiding it anymore.
Something burst within me, like a balloon filled with too much helium, and I exploded into sobs. I could barely breathe as I buried my face in my hands, both hysterical and mortified by my outburst.
“God, Avery…” Devin’s eyes glistened with sympathy, and he wrapped his arms around my trembling body. He pulled me tight against his chest, squeezing me with more force than I’d ever felt from a hug in my life. It crushed my chest and made breathing even harder, but it also sent a wave of warm reassurance through my body. I reciprocated his embrace, pressing my fingers against his scalp and admiring the softness of his jet-black hair.
“Yes,” I sputtered between sobs. “I…I have to…tell…you…something...”
God, I was a mess. My cheeks were crusty with tears, I didn’t even want to know how terrible my puffy red face looked in a mirror. Devin must think I’m a wreck.
He pulled away, and his gaze showed nothing but compassion as he rubbed my thick, curly brown hair with his fingers. He looked at me as if I were the only woman in the world, and it made my brittle heart crack even more.
Because I was about to tell him the truth.
“I can’t have sex.” I blurted it out all at once, like ripping off a bandage. “At least…I’ve never been able to. It’s too painful. The doctor thinks the endometriosis is what’s causing it.”
Devin nodded slowly, taking a few seconds to process the information.
“So you’re a virgin?”
“Yes. ”
“And... you thought I wouldn’t want to be with you because of it?”
I burst into another round of sobs before I could reply. Hot, salty tears poured down my neck and stained the hospital blankets.
“Avie, I’m so sorry.” He cupped my puffy, tear-stained cheeks in his palms. “It’s okay. Really. It’s not a big deal. We’ll figure it out.”
“I’m hoping the surgery helps…but even after that… I don’t know how long it will be before I can have sex. Are you sure you’re okay wi—”
“Yes,” Devin replied, cutting me off with a firm, definitive answer. “Absolutely.”
I blinked in disbelief. “Really?”
Devin chuckled, leaning back in his chair. He raised a dark eyebrow. “You know what I think?”
I gulped. “What?”
“I think you seriously underestimate how much I want to be with you.”
His declaration shook me to the core. It made me stop crying, but it also left me paralyzed, unable to sputter out a response.
“It’s been years , Avie. Five years of watching you turn from a timid college kid into the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. And these past few months, it really hit me hard. You were always on that dating app, meeting other people…I told myself I could handle being just friends. But I still ached for a chance with you. I thought about you all the time. I told myself I was going insane. I even confessed to my old friend Scott about my feelings. And you know what he told me? He said—and I quote— ‘nut up and do something about it’. Well, now’s my chance, and I’m not go ing to let it slip away. So no, the sex thing isn’t a big deal. I’ll wait however long you need.”
“But what if—”
“No buts.” Devin cut me off, placing a finger against my lips. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”
I grinned as more tears slid down my face. Then the giggles escaped me, and I sat there in my hospital bed, both laughing and crying while Devin gripped his hands in mine and smiled at me like nothing else mattered.
It was a horrible, messy, beautiful, perfect moment, one I would remember for the rest of my life.
Once the laughter died down, he pulled me towards him and placed his lips on mine. I kissed him back eagerly, and all my anxiety melted into thin air. This wasn’t like our frenzied tryst in the storage room. There was no eager exploring of each other, no pushing the limits of our budding relationship. This was a simple, warm, comforting kiss. One that told me how much he cared. How everything was going to be okay.
It was his promise that he still wanted me, regardless of my sexual issues.
He broke our kiss first, glancing at me for a moment with those adoring eyes before pressing my head against his chest.
We remained there, locked in a peaceful embrace, until the nurse came back to send us both home.
I had no idea what sort of pain meds they’d given me.
But I felt fantastic .
My head floated in the clouds as I sat slumped in the passenger seat of Devin’s car, humming along to his punk rock music while he drove down the dark city streets. We’d been at the hospital for hours, mainly because of how long we were waiting between tests, and pre-release was over by the time we made it back to Critical Games.
Jordan was still there, but Cassidy had just left.
Which meant Devin had to drive me home.
But as I sat in the car, my hand interlocked with his as I laid my head against the back of my seat, I wondered if I was even in proper shape to drive. The medication had eliminated my pain, and that alone was incredibly euphoric after enduring god-awful cramps for hours. But I also felt strangely…happy. Too happy.
Devin must’ve found it hilarious, because he kept snickering to himself as I belted out song lyrics in a very off-key tone.
“You’re adorable,” he remarked as we pulled into my neighborhood.
“No…” My body wavered in my seat. I extended a shaky hand across the center console and stroked his hair. “You’re…adorable…”
“Avie, I’m driving.” He smirked, pulling my hand away.
I normally knew better than to harass someone driving a car. But my head was still swimming in a fishbowl, and with my period pain quelled, it awoke a ravenous craving for my newly minted boyfriend. My hand reached across the seat again, this time landing on the soft denim fabric lining his inner thigh.
“Avie,” he scolded as pulled my hand away. But despite how obnoxious I was being, Devin didn’t seem frustrated. In fact, he looked like he was holding back laughter.
“Let’s save that for when you’re not drugged, silly,” he remarked as we pulled into the driveway of my townhouse. Thankfully, I had still been lucid enough to give him my address.
“Nice place.” He turned his keys in the ignition and hopped out of the driver’s seat, looping around to help my drug-addled self out of the car. “Looks a lot like my own.”
“You live in a townhouse toooo?” My words slurred as Devin lifted an arm around my shoulders and hoisted me out of the car. I plodded forward, my body wobbling like a top with every step. “You should carry me agaaaaiinnn. Pleeease?”
Devin rolled his eyes, covering his mouth with his hand to hide his laughter. “C’mon loopy, it’s only a few steps to the front door.”
We managed to make it inside without me falling, but my unstable body practically spilled into the front hallway once Devin opened the door. Cassidy was sitting on the living room couch, waiting for me to arrive home.
“Avery!” she exclaimed, running towards us. She stopped and backed up a few steps once she realized how incoherent I was. “Uh…are you okay?”
“I’m fiiiiiiine.” I mumbled as I wobbled in place.
Devin walked up behind me and wrapped his arm around my back, steadying my jelly-like spine and preventing me from collapsing.
“What did you do to her, dude?” Cassidy teased, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Oh hush, Cass,” Devin retorted, his bicep straining as he held me upright. “The docs gave her heavy-duty pain meds, so she’s high as a kite. I’m sure it’ll wear off by morning.”
Devin began walking my weary self towards my room, and Cassidy raised an eyebrow.
“You escorting her to bed?” she asked in a suspicious tone.
Devin scoffed, a wry smile on his face. “What else do you suggest, letting her fall asleep on t he floor?”
“I’m fiiiiiine,” I lied, pressing a palm against Devin’s chest. My lurking hand crept further up his shirt and slipped under his collar. I grinned seductively as my fingers traced his bare skin.
Cassidy burst out laughing. “Damn. What was in those drugs? She’s all over you.”
Devin shook his head, pulling my hand out of his shirt as he dragged me into my bedroom. I heard Cassidy shout something behind us as Devin closed the door, but I was too spaced out to comprehend it.
It was almost midnight, and in addition to being high on pain meds, I was also exhausted.
But that didn’t stop me from pulling Devin into my lap once he helped me crawl into bed.
“You little tease,” Devin growled in my ear. He tried to pull away, but I grabbed his wrists and pulled him back toward me.
“Deeeeev,” I whined in a comically seductive tone. “Come hereeeeee.”
He relented, and his body fell on top of mine again. I pressed kisses against his neck while he struggled to fight off my advances. I was in no shape for intimacy, but I knew Devin wanted me just as much as my drug-addled self wanted him. And that made it hard for him to say no.
One of my hands worked its way up his back, rubbing the muscles behind his shoulders, while the other one reached for his belt buckle. I was nearly there, loosening the strap with my shaky fingers, when he suddenly grasped my hand in his.
“Avie,” he laughed. “That’s enough. We’re not doing this while you’re drugged.”
“Plllleeeeease?” I plopped another kiss on his cheek. A reluctant sigh of pleasure slipped out of him, breezing past my ear. At that moment, the pain meds weren’t the only thing I was high on.
“Wear a condom!” Cassidy’s shout carried from her bedroom.
Devin cringed and spun around, an exasperated frown on his face.
“Shut up Cass!” he shouted back across the townhouse.
I exploded into giggles, and Devin shook his head. An embarrassed smile caused his pale cheeks to tint pink.
He turned back to me, tucking a lock of curls behind my ear. “Sleep well, Avie. I’ll text you in the morning.”
“But…”
“No buts.” He laughed as he stepped toward my door, cupping a hand around the brass-colored handle.
“Goodnight, my little drugged sweetheart.”
He flicked off the light and disappeared through my door, leaving my loopy self alone in the silence of my dark bedroom. But as much as my heart ached for him not to leave, it was also buzzing at the fact that he’d called me sweetheart .
That word floated through my head, a soft and honeyed nickname that looped like a lullaby, until I descended into sleep.