Chapter 9 #2
She pushed off the door with a frustrated huff, and turned the heat in the apartment up, then stripped off her clothes and headed for the bathroom, where she turned the water on in the shower.
She waited for it to heat up, got in, and ducked her head under the spray.
She tried to let the hot water relax her, but it wasn’t helping.
She huffed out another breath and got to work washing her long hair.
But even after washing and conditioning it, she swore she could smell his scent in her hair.
Brody.
No.
Why couldn’t she stop thinking about him?
She was a big girl—there was no reason why she couldn’t enjoy some great sex and kink play without getting attached.
Even to the man who had broken down her walls and gotten her into subspace for the first time since long before her divorce.
Brody was just a man. It wasn’t like he was magic.
Except he was.
“Damn it,” she swore into the steam curling around her.
She grabbed her mesh scrubbie and ran it over her skin with some body shampoo, scrubbing a little harder than she had to.
But as she ran it over the welts on her ass, her thighs, her back, it only reminded her of him.
The man on the other side of the wall, who had left those welts on her, giving her exactly what she needed, and more.
The man who was probably wondering what the hell was wrong with her.
She was wondering, too.
No. That was a lie. Because she knew what the issue was.
It was him. It was her. It was the way she felt about him.
The way she’d felt about Brody Hale since the first time they’d met.
How much more she’d felt for him each time she’d seen him at the club, or at her best friend’s house.
How she’d known she was falling for him a little after that last conversation at Micah and Arrow’s firepit, when they’d talked long into the night.
The way those feelings had started to blow up the minute he’d arrived at the Ranch.
And especially, how it had all exploded into a thousand tiny pieces after these last few weeks with him.
The sex and the kink. The deep conversations about life.
Their hopes and dreams. They were so aligned, it seemed impossible.
It was impossible. Because no matter how incredible the sex and the BDSM play were, no matter how many things they had in common, she was too old for him.
Maybe it wasn’t that noticeable now, but it would be in a few years.
And she couldn’t bear the thought of him rejecting her down the road.
No, the only thing to do was to end it now, before she got in any deeper.
But that was a lie, too. Because she was already in as deep as one could get.
She loved him.
“No,” she moaned to her empty apartment, tears stinging her eyes.
She shut off the water and got out of the shower, dried herself hurriedly, then got into her warm pink robe. She was so tired, suddenly, but all she could do was pace until she was too worn out to continue.
She went to the big window in the living area and stared out at the mountains silhouetted against a full moon that hung brightly in the dark sky. Her body was filled with the same anxiety she’d been feeling since her revelation at his place a little while ago, except that it had gotten worse.
She tried to take a few deep, calming breaths, but they did nothing to calm her. Maybe she should call Micah. Or Reese. Or Luna. Or Wren, or Sadie. Someone to talk this through with, to help her calm down. But she realized in a flash that she’d left her cell phone next door.
“It’s not the end of the world,” she told herself. “Even if it feels like it. You’ve got this.”
Except the truth was, she didn’t, she realized as she collapsed at her kitchen table, her head in her hands as a sob broke through. She didn’t know how to get through this alone. God, if only one of her friends would suddenly show up at her door…
A loud pounding startled her tears away, and she shot out of her chair. It had to be Reese. She was one of those people who had a sort of sixth sense about people as much as she did about animals.
She tugged the belt on her robe tighter as she ran to the door and flung it open—and found Brody on the other side.
“Claudia? Lord, what’s happened?”
She could only stand mutely and shake her head.
He stepped inside, and she didn’t have it in her to stop him as he grabbed her by the shoulders, peering into her face.
“You’re white as a sheet. And you’ve been crying? What’s going on?”
Again, all she could do was shake her head as she tried to pull away from him, but he held on tight. Finally she said, “Let me go.”
He dropped his hands instantly, as if he’d been stung.
“Did I… did I hurt you?” he asked.
“No. No. But you will.”
“I will… what? What are you talking about?”
She put her hands on his chest, intending to push him toward the door, but she felt his heart beating beneath his t-shirt, and it was too much for her. She sagged against him.
“You have to go,” she told him. “You have to go. Before it gets any worse.”
He took her hands in his and held on tight. “What are you talking about? Before what gets worse? Claudia, I don’t understand.”
“But you will. When you look back at this… these whole four weeks, and think of me, you’ll know this is for the best. You’ll appreciate that I let you go before you felt you… owed me anything.”
He was quiet for several seconds, then he wrapped her up in his arms, and she really started to cry; he felt so good. Warm and safe. The only man she’d ever felt safe with.
“You don’t need to do this,” he said quietly, his voice rough with emotion. “We can work this out. Just talk to me. When have you ever not been able to talk to me?”
With a jolt, she realized he was right. She could say anything to him.
It had always been like that with him, even when they’d barely known each other.
Even when it came to kink or sex, which had surprised her after years with Kenny, who thought a woman speaking about those things was vulgar.
But with Brody, she’d never really had to censor herself.
But this was something completely different.
“I-I don’t know how to have this conversation,” she admitted.
“Okay. Let me help you. Let’s sit down.”
She let him lead her to the couch, where they sat next to each other.
“Is it okay if I touch you?”
“You always touch me,” she said, confused.
“Yeah. But this isn’t an ‘always’ kind of moment, is it?”
“No, you’re right. But it’s not new. These are not new thoughts I’m having. They’re simply things I’ve shoved to the back of my mind so I wouldn’t have to face them.”
“Things like what?”
“Things like reality,” she said with more force than she’d meant to.
“You’re still worried about our age difference?”
She nodded, hating the idea of saying it aloud to him.
“Claudia, it’s only eight years. And I see more every day how much we’re on the same page about so many things.
The kind of life we want, which is the most important thing, I think.
The way we value our friends. The way we love animals.
Even our taste in music is very much the same.
And I don’t… well, maybe I’m not the right person to ask, but I don’t think I’m horribly immature for my age. ”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s my age, not yours. I’ll age more quickly than you will. My body is already not what it used to be, and I’ll only get older. It’s inevitable. And maybe you don’t notice so much now, but you will. Men always do.”
“That’s the issue? Do you think I’m that shallow?” he said, and she could hear hurt in his voice.
“No, not you. But the whole of society. What will your friends think when they see me?”
He took her chin in his fingers, forcing her to meet his gaze.
‘Claudia, I know you had a shit time with Kenny, that he was a judgy, shallow asshole who gaslit you and put you down. But I’m not him.
I understand the trauma he left you with, the self-doubt.
But all I want to do is help you to heal from that in whatever way I can.
I want you to see yourself for the beautiful, amazing woman you are, and still will be in ten or twenty or thirty years.
I want to find a way to help you to never doubt yourself again.
You have value as a human being, not only because of the way you look, although you’ll be gorgeous when you’re ninety years old.
But the important part is, you’re a beautiful person.
And that’s the woman I’ve fallen in love with. ”
“You… what? What did you say?” she asked, her heart suddenly hammering.
“I said I’ve fallen in love with you. I love you, Claudia.”
She was so stunned, she couldn’t answer. She could only use the sleeve of her robe to wipe at the tears that still clung to her face.
“I know this may not be the most romantic scenario to tell you this,” he said.
“I’d planned a nice dinner for us on Saturday night.
I couldn’t stand to keep it to myself any longer than that.
Candlelight, just the two of us. And hell, I’m babbling, and you haven’t said a word…
” He wiped her cheeks with his thumbs. “If this is too much, you can tell me so. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. But I had to tell you. I had to.”
“No. No, I don’t want you to go,” she said finally. Then, very quietly, “Please don’t go.”
He held her face in his hands. “Can you tell me how you feel? Can you tell me if you see the possibility of us? Because I do. I see it. I see a future with you.”
And that was it right there: that he saw the possibility, not an impending disappointment. And maybe she could, as well. Maybe, if he had hope, it was okay for her to hope, too.
“I… apparently I still have a lot of work to do.”
“We all do. I told you before I have some shit to figure out. Who I am if not a football player. But I’m figuring it out, bit by bit. And I know now that part of what I want for my future self is to be your man. To be your Dom. To be with you.”
“But, Brody, I’m going to change. We never know what might happen as we get older. I could get sick. And you’re still so young and vibrant. You have your whole life ahead of you.”
“Claudia,” he said, staring into her eyes, locking his gaze there, still cupping her face between his hands.
He spoke slowly. “My life ahead is a life with you. That’s all I can imagine now.
And yes, you’ll get older, but so will I.
And yeah, you might get sick, but I might get sick.
What happens then? Are you going to leave me when I’m not as strong as I am now?
Of course not. One thing I learned from my experience playing football and getting injured, from what happened to my friend Bull, is that we never know what life has in store for us.
The one thing we can count on is love, if it’s the real thing.
You don’t have to be perfect to be loved—that’s some garbage you still carry around because of your ex, and I get it.
That’ll take some time to fade away. And the truth is, none of us are perfect.
But you’re perfect for me. And I want to take that chance with you, because if you love me the way I love you, there’s no risk there.
We’ll come out ahead no matter what happens. ”
“I never thought anyone would say that to me,” she told him, new tears gathering in her eyes, but it wasn’t grief this time. It was hope blooming in her chest. It was love. “And I’m so glad it’s you, Brody. I do love you. I do. And I want to be with you. I was just so afraid.”
“Aw, babygirl. You don’t have to be afraid. I’m here. I’m right here. And I’m not going anywhere without you.”
He pulled her in and kissed her, softly at first, then more hungrily. And she returned his kiss with all the passion she had in her body. All the love she had for him.
He pulled back to murmur, “I love you, baby. So much.”
“And I love you. Sir.”
He smiled, then picked her up in his arms and carried her to the bed, setting her down there.
“I’m going to run a warm shower for us. We’re going to get clean and start over from this moment, all shiny and new. We’re going to make it a little ritual, to let the water take all the fears and doubts away. Because we don’t need that. Because we have love.”
He kissed her forehead, then stepped into the bathroom, and was back a moment later, naked and as beautiful to her as ever.
He slipped her robe off and led her into the shower, where he washed her carefully, thoroughly, even though she protested she’d showered less than an hour earlier.
It was the taking care of her he needed, she realized. And she needed it, too.
As they stood beneath the spray of warm water, their arms around each other, he murmured to her, “This is when we let go of all the toxic stuff that holds us back. Our insecurities, because we know we have each other’s backs.
Our fears, because we know we’ll always take care of each other.
Our doubts, because we’re here to tell each other how we love each other every day. ”
With each sentence he soaked her scrubbie under the water, then squeezed it out over their shoulders, giving her that sensation to embed the ideas in her mind, in her heart. Giving her something to hold on to in the days to come.
They got out and dried off, and he took her to bed.
They lay facing each other as he began to sensually stroke her body, each loving touch leaving a trail of heated desire.
And as they came together, body to body, heart to heart, she understood he would chase away her fears when they came back.
They would, she knew. She still had a bit of a battle ahead of her to heal the pain she’d carried with her for so long, despite how far she’d come.
But this man would never let her suffer with those fears.
He would be part of her healing. He already was.
As he entered her body, he whispered, “I love you, my beautiful girl.”
Those words were magic. He was magic. Love was magic. And she didn’t have to be afraid anymore.