Chapter Thirty-four #3
Jesse glanced up and let out a little snort. “Do you miss it so much that you have to follow me and sneak a look while I piss?”
Evan turned half away from him. “Stop it, Jess. This isn’t the way you are.”
Jesse zipped up and went to the sink to wash his hands. “You don’t know how I am anymore, do you?”
He dried his hands and spun for the door, his shoulder brushing lightly against Evan’s as he walked by. He untied Achilles’s leash from the table leg and headed toward the lobby.
Evan followed him out the front doors of the hotel. “I know you have a thousand things to be angry at me for, but can you tell me the immediate one?”
“You have no right to criticize how much I drink.”
“I do when you can’t control yourself with it.”
“Since when can’t I control myself?”
“Do you even remember your birthday?”
“I remember a few choice parts.”
Evan looked away from him. “I’m sorry, Jess. That night, I took advantage of you—”
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jesse huffed, marching Achilles up the sidewalk.
“You didn’t take advantage of me, Ev. I’ll admit, my memory might not be the clearest, but I’m pretty sure I was the one who crawled all over you.
I knew what I was doing and I knew what I wanted.
Granted, I passed out before I got all that I wanted, but that’s beside the point. ”
He stopped to let Achilles sniff at a streetlight and faced Evan.
“You know, I’m so sick of you and Brandon always treating me like I can’t take care of myself.
I’ve got news for you both. I’m a big boy, and guess what?
I’ve been doing pretty damn good on my own these past few months.
I don’t need someone to follow me around every time I go out, and I sure as hell don’t need someone to break the nose of every guy who wants to suck me off. ”
His voice saturated with jealousy, Evan asked, “So with how good you’ve been doing, just how many assholes have sucked you off?”
Jesse narrowed his eyes at him. “Wouldn’t Brandon have already told you?”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Are you fucking my brother?”
At the hurt that flushed Evan’s face, Jesse had his answer.
“I can’t believe you would even think I could do that to you,” Evan said.
Both stood silent, neither looking at the other.
Jesse watched the gently falling snow collect on his sweater.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “It’s just, I know you two have been talking and hanging out a lot, and I know there’s nothing between you guys, I honestly do, but,” he paused, the next words lingering on the tip of his tongue, but feeling so difficult to get out, “I can’t help being jealous, because even though it’s just friendship, he has more of you than I do. ”
“Jess,” Evan moved closer to him and took both of Jesse’s hands in his, “no one could ever have more of me than you do.”
Jesse lifted his eyes to Evan’s face. Snow fell on his cheek, melting the instant it met his skin. Without thinking, he pulled his right hand from Evan’s and brushed his thumb over the glistening spot.
Evan closed his eyes at Jesse’s touch and took another half step toward him. He squeezed Jesse’s left hand. “I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but will you go somewhere with me?”
“Now?” Jesse said, surprised by the strange request.
Evan nodded.
“Where?”
“Just say you’ll go. Please.”
Jesse’s heart wrenched at Evan’s desperate tone. He glanced at the snow covered sidewalk. “Even now I can’t say no to you,” he mumbled to himself, then lifted his voice for Evan’s ears. “Let me take ‘Chilles up to my room.”
Evan exhaled the breath he’d been holding. “Thank you.”
Jesse tugged on Achilles’s leash and led him back to the hotel with Evan walking silent at his side, wondering where Evan could want to take him.
“I’ll have my rental brought around,” Evan said as they stepped back inside.
Jesse walked toward the elevator. “I’ll meet you out front in a minute.”
Once in his room, he gave Achilles a handful of dog cookies, checked the water bowl, and grabbed his thick black leather coat. When he walked out of the hotel, a white Cadillac Escalade idled at the entrance. He hopped in the passenger side, chuckling.
Evan looked at him with a grin. “You’re remembering the fate of my poor Escalade, aren’t you?”
“You tried to play it so cool, but the look on your face was priceless.”
“I’m glad my misfortune still makes you smile.” Evan put the SUV in gear and pulled away from the hotel. “It was worth it. I’d let someone strip every car I own to relive that night. To relive any of them. They were all incredible.”
Jesse’s soft chuckling died in his throat.
He shifted in the leather seat and focused his gaze out the window.
He watched the unfamiliar buildings and streets streak by.
The roads and sidewalks were quiet, but as they passed through residential neighborhoods, strings of Christmas lights dotted the darkness and he caught glimpses through windows of people continuing to celebrate the holiday in the warmth of their homes.
And here he was with the man he had relinquished his heart to in what seemed another lifetime ago and who he had never been able to take it back from.
He glanced at Evan out the corner of his eye.
He drove like he had always driven when they rode together, his left hand on the wheel, his right on the center console.
In that other lifetime, they held hands whenever they drove anywhere.
He wondered if Evan had placed his hand there in offering.
Jesse sat still, then tentatively moved his hand toward Evan’s and laid it over his.
Evan turned his hand under Jesse’s and interlocked their fingers.
Though Evan squeezed so tight he caused a dull ache in Jesse’s hand and the eagle ring dug into his skin, Jesse refused to let go or ask him to loosen his grip.
He lost track of how long they rode in comfortable silence and was about to ask Evan again where they were going when Evan swung into a driveway, stopped, and honked the horn twice. Jesse looked forward and startled at the sight of closed cemetery gates, then realized where Evan had brought him.
An elderly man trudged through the snow to the gates on the other side and unlocked them. Evan pulled through, taking his left hand off the wheel to wave to him rather than pull right hand from Jesse’s.
“Do you know that guy?” Jesse asked.
“Yeah. He’s been the groundskeeper here forever and has been really good to me over the years, letting me come here when it’s closed so I don’t get interrupted in case someone recognizes me.
I just call and let him know I’m coming.
” Evan pulled into a small parking lot. “Sorry. We’ll have to walk the rest of the way. ”
As Jesse got out, he saw Evan reach in the backseat and retrieve a bouquet of two dozen long-stemmed red roses.
He fell into stride beside him as Evan maneuvered them through a maze of headstones.
He had never been in such a full cemetery.
Hardly any space was between the graves.
He began to get a sense of how old the place was as he looked at the chipped and weathered headstones, some of the names and dates barely visible.
The cold felt deeper there than it had by the hotel, and he shivered.
He glanced at Evan and noticed he wasn’t wearing a coat.
Evan stopped short, the hand holding the roses dropped to his side. “I can’t believe it. I told my mom to get a grave blanket. I even sent her extra money for one.”
Jesse followed Evan’s eyes to the grave before them marked with a simple half oval stone with the name, Ethan Avery Arden, his dates of birth and death, and the words, ‘Beloved Father, Husband, and Son. May you add your golden voice to the angels of Heaven,’ chiseled into the surface.
Evan stepped forward and fell to his knees in the snow, brushing the marker clean with his bare hands. “She doesn’t care,” he mumbled. “She never did.”
Jesse stood back, knowing Evan’s grief couldn’t be comforted with words. All he could do was be there if Evan turned to him in need.
Evan stopped trying to clear the snow and sat slumped on his knees. He put the roses in the cement vase at the base of the gravestone and stared at them. He reached out with his right hand and touched his fingers to the word “father.”
“He would’ve adored you, Jess,” he said softly.
“I wanted to say that to you so many times before, but I never did. If he could’ve seen us together, I know he would’ve been so happy for me to have found someone like you, who accepted me for all my flaws, who saw me for who I really am and gave me unconditional love regardless.
But I screwed it all up, and I know he would have been disappointed in me for treating you like I did.
“He would’ve told me the same thing you did, to forget about our careers because what we have is more important.
But I thought I was doing what was best for you.
The truth is, I couldn’t care less what becomes of my career, but I couldn’t stand the thought that I might be the one thing to hold you back from achieving your dreams, so I let you go to not drag you down.
But now…” Evan closed his eyes, his left hand balled into a fist, his voice trembled more with each word, “I want to be selfish and force my way back into your life. I need you. I know I can’t make it through my life if I don’t have your strength to lean on. ”
He looked up at Jesse, his pain, his desperation, filling his face.
Tears welled in his eyes, making them shine in the moonlight.
“Tell me, Jess, is there nothing I can do? Do you hate me so much that I can never make amends? I need to know. Even though I know I can never move beyond you, I need to know if you’re happy without me. ”