12. Relief From Acceptance
TWELVE
RELIEF FROM ACCEPTANCE
Vivian
I take a shuddering breath as my toes curl.
Aching and hungry, it’s taken all of my pride and dignity to keep my hands from roaming between my legs. I woke up a while ago, feeling an enormous emptiness inside me that has only worsened.
Swallowing, running my tongue along my dry lips, I’m thirsty too, and there’s no place to relieve my bladder.
Becoming more miserable by the second, I flex my tight shoulder muscles and massage my neck. As I work the kinks out from sleeping on a metal floor, I look around the room again, deciding what to do as I avoid Syasku’s gaze. I can’t remain in the corner forever; I need to move and take care of… things.
Finally gathering the courage to glance his way, I discover his position has changed. He’s more toward the center of the wall and closer to me. Whether or not he’s been even closer than that since returning to the wall, I’m not certain. I’m not sure I want to know. As much as I hate being ignorant while asleep, it’s also nice.
Forcing my gaze away, I scrutinize the room’s four sharp corners and then the door, still having no idea where the cameras are. The ones around the ship tend to be small flat rectangular black screens within the walls. There’s nothing like that in here, and the ceiling, where there are a few small grates, vents, and pipes crossing it, is just as camera-free as the walls.
This room, like the right side of the hallway outside, appears brand new. Someone very recently updated this section of the ship, and before now I never knew this place existed, wedged between the medical and military sector, even if it was no longer in use.
I stand, core clenching hard and wobbling a little on my feet from lightheadedness. Syasku stiffens as I brace my hand against the glass and promptly drop it when I realize someone might be on the other side. I hate that I can’t tell.
I walk along the mirror wall and to the door, keeping one eye on Syasku the whole time, waiting for him to pounce. His tail moves, coiling in and around his lower half, making his abdomen muscles flex. My lips part as I stop pretending and face him instead. He rises as my gaze skits over him and the chains rattle all around him. Feeling small in comparison, I take a step back toward the door.
When my back hits it, I glower at him in warning.
His head tilts down, his gaze narrowing in response.
My toes curl. Spinning away before he catches me flush, I bang on the door. “I need to use the bathroom!”
I pray someone is merciful enough to respond. I saw a guard outside the door when Pierce dragged me in. After a minute of silence, I debate calling out again, my predicament mortifying me more with every second I face the inevitable. I don’t want to wet my pants, and I don’t want to pull them down in front of Syasku and the cameras.
I bang on the door again only to continue being ignored.
I pivot and scan the floor around Syasku, noticing several dried smears. Flicking my eyes over his body, I determine he keeps his side of the room as clean as he possibly can. I take that as a good sign that we won’t be left to rot in an increasingly dirty space.
Fisting my hands, I curse.
This is happening. There’s no escaping it.
My cheeks flame in response. I’m going to pee in front of him.
Shuffling to the corner where I slept, I tug off my jacket and hold it to my front, glancing at him to see if he’s still watching. He’s settled back into a comfortable position against the wall and his eyes haven’t moved from me.
“The other women,” I croak, the first words I’ve managed to say to him in here, “they relieved themselves in here?”
I don’t know what kind of answer I’m hoping for, or if he’ll answer at all. While I wait, I toe off my white work shoes and nudge them away. Momentarily flexing the arches of my feet, I forget that I’m being watched.
“Some go in the corner, others in their… shoessss. Most do both.” He runs one long clawed finger under his chin.
My eyes snap up and widen. “Thank you,” I say, swiftly turning around.
I’m not the first woman he’s seen urinate.
Past the point of embarrassment and far into bodily necessity, I face the metal wall next to my corner and cover as much as I can with my uniform jacket. Rather than risk someone behind the mirror getting a view of my privates, I release my jacket on Syasku’s side, awkwardly shimmying out of my pants and underwear with my free hand.
Sacrificing a shoe is worth not leaving a puddle on the floor. Crouching and grabbing one of them, I stuff it between my legs. When I’m done, the defiled shoe is discarded against the wall, my dignity gone. Shrugging my jacket back on, I peek over at Syasku, who hasn’t moved except to put his hand down.
“You watched,” I half-accuse.
He cocks his head, and his eyes sweep over me. Flushing with heat, my lips flatten and I walk to the other corner and sit down.
We resume our staring. That is until I begin to pace for fear I won’t be able to resist sliding my hand down my pants. Hunger gnaws at my belly, thankfully distracting me for a time. But I tire soon for the same reason, and when dehydration rears its head and a headache thrums behind my eyes, I retreat to the corner to conserve my strength.
Lying on my side, my eyes drift closed, and I nap.
When I wake, I jerk upright, scared Syasku might have moved. He’s exactly where he was before my nap.
My stomach rumbles loudly enough for him to hear. His gaze drops to my middle.
I lift my chin. “They’re not going to feed us, are they?”
His eyes return to my face, and he regards me with the interest of a starving predator. I squirm and clamp my thighs tighter.
“They will not feed you.”
Surprised, I frown. I didn’t expect him to answer. “But they will you?”
“Yessss.”
“Why?”
“To weaken you. To make you susceptible.”
Not sure what to do with that information, I bring my knees to my chest and hug them tightly to me. I already want to press against him and breathe him in. Who knows what I’ll do if I get any weaker?
Anger hits me, and I lean my brow on my knees and wrench my eyes closed. A scream tears from my throat, and rising to my feet, I beat the door with my fists and scream louder. Panting with exertion when I’m done, I sit back down, feeling a little better.
Syasku has risen onto his tail, his expression bewildered. Realizing he’s moved closer during my tantrum, I turn away without giving him an explanation.
No one comes, and as the hours bleed together, my naps become longer and longer. If I’m not offered sustenance soon, my body is going to shut down.
Father won’t let me die like this.
But as my time passes, I’m not so sure anymore.
When it all becomes too much. If I still had the energy to cry or scream, I would do both. Wading deeper into the numbness spreading through me, my gaze shifts over Syasku. I’m vaguely aware his chains are taut behind him.
He’s moved as close as he can get to me, and as I take in his expression… I frown. He looks concerned? Angry? I can’t place it.
He also almost seems…
Patient.
He’s patient. He can be patient. It feels so human, the ability to wait for me to crumble, knowing my time is soon coming to an end. It’s almost laughable how easily predictable this all is for him. Still, my curiosity tweaks, and it makes me wonder what else he is or can be.
Can he be merciful?
“I…” Don’t want to die. My lips part, wanting to tell him.
Yet the words refuse to come. I don’t want his sympathy or his pity. I wish I didn’t want anything from him.
As I stare, my heart beat increases, speeding up until it’s thundering. Every breath I take, he’s in it, haunting me inside and out. It’s not fair. He shouldn’t be allowed to have this effect on me. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.
Frowning down at myself, I’ve always done everything my father wished of me.
Slowly Syasku’s hand unravels, reaching out toward me like he’s offering it.
Confused, I slowly sit upright.
His loosely outstretched fingers, half-relaxed, tunnel vision my blurry eyes. His short claws glint in the bright light, catching my gaze against the dark gray of his skin. I breathe in and my body shudders, flooded with his musk.
I stare at his hand and what it means. What I think it means.
Glancing at his face, determination has taken over his expression. There’s no pity, no sympathy, only his silent request for me to take it. He’s waiting for me to come to him. He wants me to approach while my mind is still clear enough to make a sound decision.
My fingers twitch and I swallow. Part of me wants to give in and take it and give him what he desires. Me. Whatever me entails. But I know if I do, there’s no going back.
Remaining where I am, I wait for him to say something, to tell me outright what he wants me to do.
Instead, his lips part and his hiss fills the space between us, embracing me so sweetly it hurts. It vibrates my flesh, coaxing my body with a response. My veins pulsate, and warmth spreads through me. I give into it, letting the sensations take away my misery.
After a few minutes, I stand on wobbly legs until I’m as composed and balanced as I can be. It takes a lot more time than it should.
Staring ahead at Syasku, his hand remains stretched toward me, patiently waiting…
I lick my lips and take a small step forward.
That was… easier than I thought it would be.
Closing my eyes, I inhale and debate the stupidity of this decision one final time.
Straightening, I walk over to him and accept his hand.
He pulls me into him and I moan, allowing him to move me. Pushing my nose against him, I inhale again. Shivering and leaning into his warmth, his earthy musk, he leads me to his side of the room. Pulling me down on him while still facing him, I lie within the coil of his tail. With my cheek resting on his chest, my eyes hood, soothed by the sound of his wildly thumping heartbeat.
My eyelids drift the rest of the way closed.
He’ll never be able to hurt me more than I already am.