Chapter 24
24
Devon
"HEY, MAMA." DEVON crouched down to scratch the black cat, who now resided in his barn, behind one ear. "How are you doing today?"
She meowed up at him, leaning into his touch, purr loud as it rattled around her chest.
"Sounds like you're doing good." He smoothed down her spine before standing. "Glad one of us is."
It'd been almost three weeks since Janie walked out of his kitchen and out of his life. He thought at some point the ache in his chest would begin to ease, but so far every day it only got worse.
He was fucking miserable. Back to only having his horses to talk to. At least now he also had a collection of barn cats to round out his friend group.
"It'll get better. It has to." He continued talking to the black cat as he grabbed her food bin and popped the lid open. "I guess I should just be glad she told me she didn't want to be with me right out of the gate instead of powering through for years."
He wanted to be glad. Wanted to be happy Janie would be able to go find someone she did want, but it turned out she may have been right from the beginning. He might actually be an asshole, because his brain simply couldn't come to terms with the possibility that some other man could make her happier than he could. He couldn’t accept she would be better off without him.
She'd been happy with him. He knew it. He thought he did.
He thought he could take Janie at face value. That she said exactly how she was feeling, would put it all out there when something was wrong. But obviously that wasn't true. No one decided they were done with a relationship in the blink of an eye. Once again, he'd been blind. Missed the signs that had to have been there. And this time, he was actually looking.
He finished filling the cat dishes, giving a couple of the less feral kittens some attention before moving on to the horses.
Taking care of them was both a blessing and a curse, just like it had always been. Only now, instead of simply reminding him of the good times he genuinely shared with Maggie, they also carried memories of the good times he shared with Janie. And those were what had him dangerously close to calling up Brody Pace to see if they had room on their ranch for Winston and Winnie.
The first week hadn't been so bad. The horses had been a welcome distraction. Something to eat up all the spare minutes he used to share with her. Now they just made him think of her. The way she was so excited to get close to them that first night. The sight of her clinging to Winnifred’s side when she tried to get in the saddle.
The kiss they shared down by the creek.
He raked one hand through his hair before scrubbing his palm over his face. “Fuck.”
The sound of the barn door sliding open sent the cats scattering. He dropped his hand, straightening at the sight of his oldest daughter. “You’re home.”
“I’m home.” Riley gave him a small smile. “And you just dropped the F-bomb.”
“I forgot to pick up more horse feed.” The lie slid right out, just like so many others had over the past few weeks. “I didn’t get the chance to talk with you last night. How was your first week of school?”
Riley’s smile widened. “Great.” The joy on her face was evident as she scooped up one of the kittens. “I think we get to start practicing cutting in a couple weeks.”
“Fantastic.” He rounded the corner to collect a bucket of pellets for Winston. “I’m glad you’re enjoying it.”
“I love it.” Riley watched as he went into Winston’s stall, her smile slipping. “Where’s Janie been?” She tucked the kitten in her arms against her chest. “Honestly.”
He’d given his girls excuse after excuse, thinking maybe Janie would change her mind. That she’d simply run away the same way she did the night by the creek. Or the way she tried to when she discovered Sharon was his mother-in-law. And that once she too k a breath and remembered what they had, she’d be back.
No such luck.
He also hadn’t wanted to burden his daughters, especially this one, with his own misery. She’d carried the weight of knowledge that should never have been hers for too long already. “I told you. She’s been busy with work.”
Riley stared him down as the silence stretched between them. Finally she lifted her chin. “Fine. I guess I’ll just go down to The Baking Rack and ask her myself.” She started to put the kitten down, giving him no choice but to fess up.
“It just didn’t work out, sweetheart.” And he still wasn’t completely sure why. Didn’t know what had sent her racing from his house that night. What revelation pushed her over the edge.
And that in itself was a sign.
“I think she’s looking for something else, and honestly so am I.” He wanted—needed— someone transparent. “I want someone who isn’t going to walk away without telling me why. Not someone who comes at me out of left field with—” He stopped short, pressing his lips together to stop himself from unloading on his teenage daughter.
Riley lifted her brows. “You really have no idea why she didn’t want to be with you anymore?”
“I’m not discussing this with you.” He turned back to the horses, filling Winnie’s bucket with feed before taking it into her stall .
“So your plan is to just stay out here in the barn forever?” Riley barked out a laugh. “Because I’m pretty sure no one out here is going to offer you decent advice.”
“And you are?” He wasn’t trying to be an ass, but his daughter was barely an adult. She had no idea how complicated things could get.
“I’m sure as hell a better option than a horse with no balls and a herd of feral cats.” Riley lifted her chin, staring him down. “Did you ask Janie why she didn’t want to be with you?”
Clenching his jaw, he turned away to get hay.
“You’re kidding, right?” Riley followed him. “You didn’t even ask what upset her?”
“I shouldn’t have to beg for someone to tell me how they’re feeling.” There was bitterness in his words. Bitterness in his soul. “And I shouldn’t be blamed when they don’t.”
Riley’s expression softened. “I’m not blaming you, but you can’t expect Janie to spew her feelings at you twenty-four hours a day so you don’t have to put any effort into understanding how she feels.”
“I put in effort. I probably understood her better than anyone.” He fought to keep his tone from sharpening. “But I’m not going to try to make someone be with me. I’ve been with a woman who didn’t want me once. If she doesn’t want me, then that’s fine.”
“Do you really think that?” Riley’s voice was soft. “That she doesn’t want you?” She tipped her head. “And do you really think Janie would walk away from all of us without saying goodbye to Olivia, Gwen, and me?”
“N o.” He straightened. “But as we both know I’ve been wrong about things like this before.”
He took a deep breath. This conversation needed to end. Shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Riley was a kid. She didn’t need to deal with his shit.
“It is what it is, Ri. One minute she was all smiles and then she walked out before the fucking quiche was even out of the oven.” He knew this would be rough on his daughters. That’s part of the reason he’d avoided telling them the full truth. “And honestly, we don’t need someone who can do that in our lives.”
Riley’s lips pursed, moving from side to side, a sad expression on her face. “But I liked having her in our lives.” She blinked a few times. “Without her I never would have quit college.” She huffed out a little laugh. “I would still be crying over math every night.” Her next breath was shaky. “I didn’t even get to tell her I enrolled in cosmetology school.” The line of her lips lifted into a small smile. “At least I was able to thank her for being the one who made me realize I didn’t want to get a stupid accounting degree.”
That made him pause. “You told Janie you dropped out of school?”
Riley nodded. “That night you said she had an emergency at…” Her shoulders slumped. “That was a lie, wasn’t it? That was the night she walked out.”
He ignored her question, stepping closer. “That’s the same night you told her you dropped out?”
“Yeah.” Riley’s brow creased. “Why?”
A co mbination of dread and hope swirled in his gut. “And you told her she was the reason you did it?”
Riley nodded. “She was. Janie didn’t stay where she was miserable just because she was worried what other people would think and it made me see that’s all I was doing. Forcing myself to do something I hated because I didn’t want someone else to think I was a quitter.”
Devon wiped one hand over his face, lifting his eyes to the rafters. “I’m a fucking asshole.”
He’d been so blinded by his own hangups and fears. So wrapped up in what he wanted and his own past pain. Instead of doing what Riley was doing now—trying to figure out what went wrong—he got in his own way. Let old wounds infect new flesh.
“I didn’t trust myself to know what was real and what wasn’t.” He’d been wrong before and it only made sense that he’d be wrong again.
And he had been. He’d gone and been as fucking wrong as it could get. The way Janie felt for him was very real. Just as real as the way she felt for his girls. That’s why she was willing to walk away from something so good.
Something so right.
“We should go talk to her.” Riley was already turning toward the door. “She’s still at The Baking Rack, right?”
Devon checked his watch. “She should be there another half hour.” He practically ran out of the barn and around the treeline, needing to get to her as fast as he could so he could try to explain.
Try to apologize.
Try to make her understand she was exactly the kind of person who should be influencing his daughters, regardless of what she thought.
“ Olivia. Gwen .” Riley’s voice echoed through the house as he fished his keys from their hook. “We’ve gotta go.”
“What?” Gwen poked her head around the corner of the upstairs hall. “Where are we going?”
“To get Janie.” Riley was at his side. She smiled wide. “Dad’s gonna propose to her.”
His head snapped toward his oldest daughter. “What?”
Gwen asked the same question at the same time. “ What ?”
Riley’s brows pinched. “You weren’t going to?”
“I don’t have a ring.” He patted his pockets like one would magically appear.
“That’s not a no.” Riley gave him a grin.
It wasn’t, was it. “And I’m not sure you girls should go. Janie can be kind of—”
“Reactive?” Riley lifted her brows. “It’s not great that you acknowledge that but still let her run out of here without asking any questions, you know that right?”
He stared at her for a second, a little taken aback. “Are you lecturing me?”
She snorted. “Someone needs to.” Her retort felt so familiar. So close to the many that were slung his way by the curly headed woman he couldn’t live without.
He started to laugh, head tipping back. How in the hell could Janie think she was anything but the best kind of influence on his girls? “Fair e nough.” He turned to the stairs. “You girls are staying here.”
Good influence or not, this was between him and Janie. If she wanted to scream at him, he didn’t want her holding back because his daughters were playing peanut gallery.
As he reached for the door, his three daughters arguing his decision behind him, the doorbell rang. Maybe—
“This place is a tundra.” Sharon strode in, shaking icy flakes off her heavy coat. “It’s not even Christmas and there’s already a foot of snow on the ground.”
“I was just about to walk out the door.” He was itching to get on the road and his mother-in-law’s unexpected visit—
His brow creased. “What are you doing back in town?”
She turned to him, face a mask of confusion. “Well to put the trailer on the market, of course.” She smoothed down her brown bob, giving him a wink. “I can’t say I wasn’t hoping Janie would buy the place off me, but I guess I won’t be too sour since she makes you so happy.” Her eyes traveled around the main floor. “Where is she? Did you two get everything moved out or should I wait another day to have the realtor come over?”
He stared at her a beat as what she was saying sank in. And once it did, his heart stopped. “I’ve got to go.” He turned and raced out the door without looking back, hoping to catch Janie before she did something stupid.
Like leave Moss Creek.
He n eeded to fix what he’d fucked up. Needed to prove he was better than he used to be. Because it was never just Maggie’s fault that things went the way they did. In all the years they were together he’d never pushed her to open up to him. Never dug in his heels when he thought things were off. If she said she was fine, he believed her. Even when all the signs pointed a different direction.
Just like he did with Janie. And with Janie he hadn’t just believed she was telling him the full scope of her feelings. He expected it. Thought it would keep him from making the same mistake he’d made before.
Wrong.
Falling into his truck, he turned over the engine and set the wiper blades on high, slinging the morning snowfall away as he backed out of the driveway, kicking himself for not finishing the task of clearing out the garage like Janie told him he should.
It would be the first thing he did once all this was straightened out.
No. That was wrong.
It would be the second thing he did.
The first thing he was going to do was buy a fucking ring .