Chapter 30 Bode
Watching her move around on the farm like a ghost is going to be the end of me.
Giving her space only makes it worse. I can feel how sad she is in my bones, it makes every step I take through the fresh snow rigid and painful.
My old boots feel too tight, my collar suffocating, and every chore is endless because I know she’s around somewhere suffering silently.
The silence.
That’s agony.
Magnolia-Mae hasn’t known a quiet second since the day she stepped onto this ranch, but she hasn’t said more than two words today. To anyone. Not even Dot when she came down to give her lunch. A bag of food that’s sitting, slowly freezing in a paper bag where she left it on the edge of the stall.
“Walker,” Crew snaps, and it’s only then that I notice I’m overfilling the trough in front of me. I drop the bag on the ground with a thump and sigh.
“Sorry,” I huff, tugging off the beanie on my head and shaking out the sweat that hides beneath it in my hair.
“She’s moving,” he says. “That’s what matters.”
“That might be true for Logan, but it’s not for Maggie,” I huff.
“Better than rotting in that empty house,” Crew notes. “Alone.”
“Mm.” A low rumble forms in my throat.
“At least she’s here, around people and family.” It’s meant to ease the weight on my chest, but it doesn’t, it only makes the concern more violent.
“Her moving, working… being here. It’s not her. It's her grief making the decisions.” I look toward the bar and catch a glimpse of her blonde hair moving around inside.
Crew doesn’t say anything else, we just get back to work, and I’m grateful for his quiet nature because I don’t think I can handle conversation when my mind is so tied up with thoughts of Maggie.
What has she done to me?
Eventually, Logan comes down from the fields with Peter, and she stops to talk to Maggie.
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Logan willingly hug another person outside Crew and Ash.
But she wraps her arms around Maggie tightly and holds her there for a long while.
I hate the pang of jealousy that whips around with every other emotion.
At least she’s letting someone help. I tell myself, over and over as I watch them murmur at the edge of the barn.
When I’ve had enough of the emotional torture, I climb on top of Kelpie and ride out to check the edges of the ranch.
Lately, we’ve been having trouble with breakage, and we can’t afford to lose any more of the cattle.
We have enough issues with everything else to deal with even less income than the year before, and even if Ford tries to keep it from us, we see it. We feel it.
The tension is thick, and the stress digs into our backs with razor-sharp claws.
I don’t know how long it takes me or why, but I stay out there. Until the air cuts at my cheeks and stings at the corners of my eyes. Kelpie brays uncomfortably, and I remind myself where I am and how cold it is for the both of us. “I’m sorry.” I pat the horse gently and aim us back to the ranch.
Most of the lights are out, and the gravel drive that’s usually piled with trucks is emptier as all the guys who live in town go home to their families. But one sticks out. Maggie’s still sits in the lot next to Ford’s. I look down at my old watch and scowl, she should have gone home hours ago.
Kelpie huffs. “Yeah, I know. She doesn’t wanna be there.”
I bring us into the back of the barn, thanking Crew silently for leaving the lights on above Kelpie's stall as I put everything away, stacking the saddle, giving her a brush and a treat for braving the cold with me. I shift in my jacket, contemplating whether or not to climb the hill to see if she’s with Dot.
I clench my jaw, she didn’t wanna talk to me this morning, she won’t want to now…
I stand there for a second with the thought, pulling off my beanie and scrunching it up in my head before I convince myself to move toward the bunkhouse. It’s only then that I notice Gus’s stall is open just a crack, someone forgot to latch it.
“Goddamnit, Peter.” I shake my head and head in that direction to secure it before bed. “Oh.” I stop, softening my heavy footsteps, and wrap my hand around the handle as I take her in. Maggie’s curled up in the hay, tucked down into her jacket, nose redder than ever, and fast asleep with Gus.
“Good boy,” I whisper to him and turn away for a second.
I grab two of the heavy blankets from the shelf, shaking them out to rid them of dust or dirt before I lay them both over her.
I grab one of the bales from the alley and lift it inside, dropping it down as gently as I can before sinking onto it and resting my head against the wall.
Gus stirs a little, staring at me like I’m invading his personal space, and I glare back.
“I ain't gonna bug her, but I’m not letting you squish her in your sleep, you dumb oaf,” I grumble quietly. He huffs out some air and shakes his head. “You’re gonna wake her up long before I do if you don’t quit.”
I watch her wiggle a little down into the warmth, holding my breath and praying she stays asleep.
“She needs it. It’s doubtful she closed her eyes at all yesterday.
” The horse just glares at me. If he could talk, he’d probably call me an idiot.
I can feel it. “Can I tell you a secret?” I ask, looking over at Maggie.
Peaceful, unbothered. I swallow tightly, and in the corner of my eye, Gus cocks his head to the side like he’s actually listening.
“You ever been in love, Gus?” I keep my focus on her, hoping it will settle the rush of emotions I’m feeling today, but I realize it’s her voice I miss.
That’s the only thing that would do the trick right now.
Half tempted just to wake her up on the off chance that she’ll scold me for it.
“Didn’t think so…” I grumble when he doesn’t answer.
“What if she has no room for that now? Maybe before but-”
Gus’s tail flicks upwards.
“She's sad, Gus, and as much as I want to rip the sadness away from her if only to see that smile again.
.. I'm afraid she'll only push me further away.” Asking a horse existential questions in a war between love and grief feels foolish, but he blinks and tucks his head back into its spot. Like a giant, argumentative dog that I can’t control, but am grateful for being gentle with my girl.
Even if he can't help me figure out how to love Maggie while she wades through her pain.