14. Chapter 14
Chapter fourteen
Jordie
O h fuck. Ray just kissed me. And I liked it. I more than liked it. It’s a damn good thing I’m not tucking today; I am so freaking hard that would be miserable. Bad enough that I’m straining against the extra padded front of my gaffing panties as Ray scrambles onto my lap, straddling me so we can continue to kiss. His hands in my hair send little tingles of pleasure-pain right to my balls and I’m moaning like I’ve never made out before. It’s so good. And I told myself I wouldn’t go here, but we both want it and I can’t seem to help myself in the face of our mutual desire.
I think back to what Celeste said. About how it’s not like I really have power over Ray. Sure, he’s still new to being out as trans, but that’s not the same thing as being new to his sexuality. He might not be ready to tell the world he’s my boy friend instead of my girlfriend, but I believe his promise that he’s proud to hold my hand in public. I’ve been building up this idea of a power imbalance in my head, but I’m putty in his hands as he grinds into my erection, tongue fucking into my mouth. There’s nothing tentative or unsure about his movements on top of me. I like that.
I enjoy being taken and used and I want to feel more of him, have him take me just like this. Except when one hand leaves my hair to fish my cock out, I’m struck with the realization that there is definitely more to discuss before anyone gets naked.
When I stiffen under him, no longer bucking up to meet each roll of his hips, lips parted as he pants for breath, Ray searches my face with concern.
“Sorry, too much? Should I get up?” He moves as if to climb off my lap and I wrap my arms around him and shake my head, keeping him in place.
“No, I like you on top of me. I want to keep going. Just. Need to know a few things first.”
“I’m negative. Got tested back when I was dealing with all my visa papers, to be on the safe side. I haven’t been with anyone new since,” Ray says. And I’m glad he worded it like that instead of implying that I’m dirty because of the diagnosis I need to disclose to him now.
Hoping he’ll take this well, I force a smile and dive in. “So, yeah. I get tested every few months. I’ve got herpes though. For a few years now. It’s uh, anal HSV-2, so there are things we can do to reduce risk, but it is still possible to transmit it. I take antivirals so that helps reduce outbreaks and viral shedding between outbreaks and I always use condoms for anal and dental dams for rimming. So that should minimize our transmission risk. I also avoid hooking up when I’m having an outbreak. I like to bottom, but rimming I can live without if that’s a concern.”
“Oh.” Ray looks at me, all wide-eyed, and I can’t read his reaction.
“Is that a deal-breaker?” I force myself to meet his gaze and try to brace not to hold it against him if it is. It wouldn’t be the first time. Far from it. Stigma sucks.
“No.” He licks his lips, but there’s no hesitation or doubt on his face. That’s a relief. Tension drains from my muscles and I let myself believe this can be real. “Are you, um, having an outbreak now?”
“No. And I will tell you if I am.”
“Okay.” Ray nods and reaches for my nape to pull me into another devouring kiss. “I guess not having a bio dick to fuck you with lowers the risk too? Or you topping?”
“Sure, it’s still best to use condoms for anal, even with a store-bought cock. We should probably use condoms regardless of who is fucking whom. I don’t want kids.” I glance at his lap and lick my lips, totally loving the idea of being inside of him.
Ray blanches. “Fuck. No. I don’t either. I have an IUD. Haven’t had to think about that in years. But can’t hurt to use a condom if you’re the one doing the fucking. Is that what you want?”
“Among other things.” I shrug. This is why I prefer fucking other genderqueer folks. So many fewer assumptions and it feels less like stepping into quicksand to bring up my preferences. Ray arches a brow at me. He seems unsurprised at the idea I’d want to fuck him, and the way he licks his lips and keeps darting glances at my lap says he’s into the idea. Still, better to ask than assume. “Are you cool with that?”
“I just like to feel good. Doesn’t matter too much how it happens. I haven’t really done the fucking, but I had a girlfriend who was a total top. Usually default to the front hole since it’s less of a hassle and it feels better, but either way works. And I ordered that harness thingy earlier, so I’d be down to top your sweet ass. Or whatever you want to call it, your bussy?”
I snort. “My ass is fine. Or pussy is nice sometimes.” I dart out my tongue to wet my lips. “And um, dick and clit are both good for my junk; I like to mix it up.”
“Sure. I mostly default to generic terms, like hole or junk.”
“Not dick?” I tentatively cup my hand over his groin. Ray grinds into it.
“Mm, maybe if I go on T and it grows enough to feel like a dick? It just doesn’t yet.” He sighs, shoulders hunching, as if thinking too hard about his body is taking him out of the mood. That isn’t what I want, so I try to reframe.
“Maybe click for now? I’ve known some guys who use that to describe it. Not a clit, but not quite a dick either?” I rub the bulge through his pants and grin. “Whatever you call it, I want to make it feel incredible.”
“I like that. Click.” Ray perks up. “Oh, and my packer sort of feels like the real deal, so if you want to suck that dick, I think that would be hot.”
“Is that your super subtle way of asking me to suck your dick, sunshine?” I tease, rubbing him more insistently through his pants.
“God, I love it when you call me that.” His eyes roll back and his lashes flutter shut. He looks delicious, turned on, and needy for me.
“Sunshine?” I ask, rubbing his packer a smidge harder than I would a natal dick. Ray grinds into my touch, seeking more friction.
“Yeah.” He nods.
“Let me suck you off, sunshine.” I flash him a seductive smile.
“Do I get to go down on you too?” he asks. His fingers nudge at my waistband, brushing the bare skin of my hips and trying to ease my clingy leggings lower.
“After,” I kiss him, lingering when his tongue darts into my mouth, savoring the taste of him and how well we fit together. “I want to focus on you this first time, if that’s good?”
“Totally.” Ray stands up, leaving my lap empty and my dick wilting a little at the sudden absence of his warm weight. He reaches for his side table, fishing out lube and pausing over a foil packet. “Um, are you good with using condoms for oral?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I’m sure it will feel good, regardless. You want me to use a dental dam on you?”
Ray shrugs and gives me a self-deprecating chuckle. “Up to you. I might last longer that way, but we’d have to cut up a condom and I don’t have scissors, so I’m okay risking it if you are.”
I get up and grab a couple of dental dams that I keep in my school bag for those in need and toss them onto his bed. “I’ve got you covered. Keeping supplies for baby queers is sort of my thing. Don’t usually provide a full on demonstration of how they work though.”
“Not my first time. I’m new to being out as a guy, but I’ve been with other guys and girls. So, like no need for kid gloves.”
I pull my shirt over my head, leaving the bra on since it’s holding my cutlets in place, and I want to feel sexy and curvy for this. “Yeah? You’re that excited to have my mouth on your junk, sunshine?”
Ray’s face glows with embarrassed heat as he nods. “I might’ve fantasized about this a few times.”
“Oh? What did I do in your fantasies?” I stalk closer to him, reaching to unfasten his pants.
“First, you kissed me.”
I close the distance between us, caress his cheek and tip up his face so I can kiss him. As our eyes lock, I move in slowly, holding the eye contact so I can savor the desire in his lust-drunk gaze. I give him a rougher kiss this time, nipping at his lower lip as we part.
“Like that?” I ask. Ray is gazing at me with a besotted look that matches my own feelings for him.
“Mhm, and then all down my neck. With your hands on me.”
“Show me how to touch you.” I kiss his neck and rest my palms on his hips. He presses his hands over mine, guiding them into his pants to cup his ass, squeezing and parting his cheeks. I moan as I suck a lovebite into his neck. His skin is clean and salty and I want to taste so much more of him. Lap his fluids from his folds, tease him until he’s soaking wet and begging me to fuck him. I nudge my thigh between his legs, encouraging him to grind against me, his body doing the begging.
I brush over his pucker, then pull my hands free of his pants so I can get them off of his body. I want to see all of him. Touch him all over and make him come until he doesn’t have another orgasm left in him.
“Mmhm, like that. Want you so bad, Jordie.” Ray fumbles with my stretchy pants. I step back, just out of reach.
“Get naked, sunshine.” I slide my legging and the clingy gaffing panties down my legs as I watch him do the same.
Ray strips down to his binder, fingers fiddling with the hem reluctantly.
“You can leave it on if you want,” I suggest.
“I sometimes like nipple stuff, but sometimes…” he shifts his weight, like he feels bad about having a boundary.
“You don’t have to negotiate with me about your dysphoria, sunshine. If playing with your chest is uncomfortable, then it’s off limits until and unless you tell me otherwise.”
“Yeah, that would be good.”
“Good. I don’t want to hurt you.” I brush his cheek with my knuckles.
“I mean, I kind of like when it hurts a little. Like, rough sex.” Ray’s eyes dart all around the room, landing everywhere but on me as he talks. As if he’s not quite comfortable discussing his preferences. Well, I can do my part to make it easier to open up. I reach out and cup his cheek, caressing along his jaw.
“Well, that’s hot as hell, but it’s not the same as offering to do things you don’t enjoy to please me. Turns out, making you uncomfortable in ways you don’t want isn’t a turn on for me, okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.” Ray swallows hard. “Yeah. I don’t want you to play with my chest.”
I nod. “Binder is off limits, got it. You can play with my boobs. I like the idea of having more curves and having you touch them while you plow me. Now, get comfy at the edge of the bed so you can fuck my face and leave me dripping in your cum.”
Ray gives me a dazed look. His eyes dart to my chest and he licks his lips like he’s thinking about how much he wants to touch me. He swallows hard, throat moving under my fingertips. “Fuck, you’re hot.”
He cups my boobs in his hands, getting enough of my chest underneath the falsies that I can almost imagine they’re entirely made of flesh. I close my eyes and savor the way he squeezes me, with such tender care. It’s too intensely sweet to take for more than a few seconds without the bittersweet ache of wondering how it would feel if I went on estrogen, so I shift the focus.
“So are you. Now let me see the goods, babe. Can’t wait to have my mouth on you.”
Ray perches on the edge of his bed, takes a deep steadying breath, then arranges himself on the mattress with his legs spread wide and his junk on full display.
I take off my pants and step between Ray’s thighs, leaning over him so that he has to look up at me. He looks so vulnerable and delicious as I take his lips in another bruising kiss. I place my hands on his thighs and work teasingly toward my goal. Just brushing his inner thighs, stroking him until he whimpers into my mouth and shifts, attempting to get me to explore more sensitive regions.
“Impatient boy,” I tease, resting my forehead against his and smirking against his lips as they curve into a grin at the affirmation.
Ray huffs out a frustrated breath. “I want you to touch me.”
“I am touching you.” I tap his thighs in emphasis. “ Where do you want me to touch you?”
“I want your fingers inside me and your mouth on my click.”
“Mhm, that’s better, much more specific. You want me to feel how wet I make you?”
“Ungh, you’re a giant tease.” Ray squirms as I inch my fingers closer to where he wants them.
I hold him open with two fingers and slip two on my other hand inside of him. Ray gasps. He said he likes rough, so I spread and twist my fingers as I pump into him, relishing the way he clenches around me. He rides my fingers, needy and eager and wet for me. I kiss away his desperate moaning.
“Your hungry little hole wants to be filled up, huh? Dripping for it, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, oh, yes. Right there. Harder, Jordie, need…” he trails off as I sink to my knees and breathe onto his slick folds. I sink a third finger into him and reach for the dental dam.
“Open this and I’ll give you exactly what you need, sunshine.” I press the packet into Ray’s hand and watch as his fingers tremble when I keep thrusting my fingers inside of him. I search along his inner wall for the spot that makes him arch and gasp. There. Ray drops the foil packet on my face, and I laugh as I rub him more insistently. “Good?”
“ Esti! Qu-c’est bon! Good, calice. So good. More.” He pants and squirms on my fingers. And I just discovered a new kink. Making my boyfriend babble at me in another language is next level intoxicating. His accent is always music to my ears, but he’s beyond adorable when he’s losing himself in pleasure.
“Damn, that’s sexy.” I don’t stop what I’m doing. Ray, coming undone from just my fingers inside him, has my dick hard as a rock. I want to hear more of his desperate pleading. “Dis-moi ce que tu veux, Ray.”
“Plus fort. Baise-moi à mort,” he gasps out the request, breathy and sweet. And I might not know that exact phrase from class, but I get the gist of things even before he adds. “Damn, Jordie, you’re fucking my brains out. Can’t think straight.”
“Well, considering how straight you aren’t, that’s fine; still need for you to open the dental dam if you want my mouth, though.”
“Oh, yeah.” He fumbles for the packet, and shakily opens it, lifting the sheet of latex toward me. “Here.”
“Hold it over yourself.” I instruct since my fingers are still busy and smearing his juices all over the barrier would sort of defeat at least part of the purpose of using it. “This is much more fun than just handing them out to the baby queers in need.”
“Mhm, nothing like hands-on learning.” Ray presses the latex over his click.
I glance up at him through my lashes as I lap along his folds to the swollen nub peeking out of its hood. He’s clearly as aroused as I am. I flick my tongue over the tip and he bucks and whines.
“More?” I taunt.
“Fuck, yes,” Ray demands. “No fair keeping my hands busy.”
“You want to pull my hair, sunshine?”
“Yes. I want you all disheveled.”
“Yeah?”
“I want to fuck that pretty mouth of yours until I come down your throat.”
“Mhmm.” I lower my mouth to his click again, sucking on him even as I trace patterns with my tongue.
Part of me wishes I could taste the tang of his body instead of the chemical latex flavor of the dental dam, but I also want him to last a while. I want to take him apart slowly. Linger over learning his body and his every shuddering response to my fingers and tongue.
I suck him more fully into my mouth, tongue mapping what he likes and inventorying his responses. How he shudders and moans, seeking more with every lick and thrust. He whimpers and bucks to meet me when I spear him with a fourth finger. I bet he’d happily take my entire fist. I hum around his click, and he trembles, clenching around my fingers, so slick and needy. It’s beyond hot to know he’s this wet for me, eager to take me.
“Fuck, Jordie. Plus fort. Need more.”
I lift my mouth to grin at him. “More what?”
“No, don’t stop!” Ray whines. “Ungh. You. Everything.”
I lap over his click, teasing him. “You want my mouth here?”
“Yes!” He keens.
I continue my pattern of licking and sucking until his juices are dripping down my wrist and continue finger-fucking his hole until he’s a whimpering, horny mess. The babble spilling from his lips is a polyglot mixture of nonsense and need. I could listen to the music of his pleasure all night. His responses have my dick aching, so I drop my free hand to stroke myself as I continue to pleasure him.
“Mm, you are so sexy, sunshine. Going to get off just watching you come apart.”
“Uh huh?” he flushes at the praise.
“Yeah.” I dip down to lick and kiss his click between words and he bucks up to meet me. “Love fucking my sexy boyfriend.” I fuck my fingers into him harder in emphasis.
His eyes flutter, rolling back in his head. He doesn’t even try to hide his arousal, and it’s beautiful to behold. “Make me come, babe.”
“I will. When I’m ready.” I tease him, fluttering my tongue over him. I’m in no hurry to take Ray over the brink. Whenever he seems too close to coming, I back off subtly. I edge the fuck out of my new boyfriend, making our first time last and last until Ray loses all semblance of coherence. He lets go of the dental dam so he can tangle his fingers in my hair and hold my mouth tight to his click.
I reach between us with my free hand to hold it in place so I don’t choke on the damn thing. I can already taste the musky tang of his arousal fluids, so I guess so much for good intentions. I lift away to remove the latex, balling it up to throw out later, and get my mouth back on him.
Ray gasps at having my tongue on his bare click, and I love being able to taste him. We’ll have to practice keeping it in place better before he gets his mouth anywhere near my ass, but that’s a worry for later. For now, I savor this moment of connection.
“Don’t stop. Suce-moi la bite juste comme ?a. Oh, so good, Jordie.” He moans. In combination with his hands holding me in place, his French needs no interpretation as his fingers run along my scalp soothingly. He wants me to keep giving it to him just like this. And I’m going to nut any second anyway, too keyed up to last much longer.
“Oh, fuck. Je vais jouir! Gonna come.”
As if I couldn’t tell. I’ve got a front-row seat to just how gloriously close he is to his orgasm, and I want to draw it out now more than ever.
I keep sucking him, doubling down on his pleasure as his little dick jerks hard against my tongue. His fingers tighten more, tugging at my scalp. His hole clenches rhythmically around my fingers, leaving no doubt that he’s coming.
I reach down and jerk myself to the same rhythm, imagining his body clenching around me. Or his newly acquired strap-on cock pumping into me. I want to try both scenarios. I want to explore all the ways we can make each other feel this good. Pleasure coils tight in the pit of my belly and rolls over me. The sharp prick of pain as he tugs on my hair is what tips me over the edge. I love being wanted this intensely.
I don’t stop until Ray goes slack under me. I gently let his spent click slip from between my lips, lapping once more over him before finding the balled up spit-slicked dental dam and tossing it in the trash. Ray gazed up at me through hooded eyes.
“Good?” I ask, suddenly feeling tentative and unsure. As though he might toss me out now that the heat of the moment has passed.
“So good. Do I get a turn to make you come now?” Ray reaches toward me and I let him pull me toward him. Up off the floor so I can park my ass on the bed next to him, mindful of my sticky hands.
I lean down to brush a reassuring kiss to his brow. “You already did, sunshine. You think I can be inside you like that and hold myself back?”
He flushes. “Yeah? You came from sucking me off?”
“Yeah. You’re as hot as the sun, sunshine,” I wink at him. “Next time I’d love to have your new dick inside me though.”
“Yeah? You really want me to fuck you?” His eyes dart away, unable to meet mine. Adorable shy boy. I pat his thigh.
“Of course. If you’re into that? I won’t assume the harness you bought means anything about what you want to do with me. And there are other ways you can fuck me.”
“You can assume a little. I want to fuck your pretty ass, Jords.” He trails his fingers lazily down my back toward said ass. He just brushes the top of my crack and it’s nice, but not enough to have me revved up for round two yet. “Tell me about these other ways?”
“Muffing. You know about tucking?” I scoot to create some space. Not ready to bare too much more of my soul to him tonight.
“Keith and Pixel might’ve mentioned that a time or two. Is that why I never see your bulge when you wear skirts?” Ray asks, leaning up on his elbow to watch me better.
“Yeah. I tuck sometimes. But part of the process is pushing your balls up into your body. And it can feel amazing if you fingerfuck up into the inguinal canals where the balls go when I do that. So you could fuck me that way sometime.”
“That sounds super hot. Getting to be inside you, your body tight all around me.” Ray crunches up off the bed and loops an arm around my nape to pull me in for a kiss on my lips. “We should definitely try it soon. But for now, do you want to cuddle for a bit before we put clothes back on?”
“Sure. You can whisper more filthy French into my ears.”
Ray flushes. “Fuck, did I slip?”
“Yeah, but it was hot as hell making you lose track of yourself like that.” I grin at him and his expression softens. He brushes a flop of curls back off my face tenderly, making me feel cherished, my insides all warm and fuzzy that he’s being sweet with me after the orgasms.
“I’m just used to dating Francophones.” Ray sticks his tongue out at me. “Context, ya know?”
“Sure. I’ll just have to fuck you better so you associate sex with me and English.” I wink at him. He laughs and tugs me closer for another kiss. I overbalance and we sprawl in his bed together, kissing sweetly until my phone ringing rouses us both from our drowsy naked snuggling. I groan, but reluctantly untangle myself from my lover because my family rarely calls this late for no reason, and I know it’s Liam from the ringtone.
“Sorry, it’s my brother. I should get that.” I give Ray an apologetic look as I scan the floor for my clothes.
“It’s okay.” He gets up too, pulling on an oversized tee-shirt. The bottom reaches his mid-thigh and covers him up just enough to give me a tantalizing glimpse of his ass when he bends to hand over my shirt. I pass his discarded socks to him. “I should go over the study guide again before bed anyway.”
“Yeah, let me just see what’s going on.” I snag my twirly skirt—extra fun because yay pockets!—from near his desk to fish my phone out, answering right before the voicemail picks up.
“Hey, what’s up?” I cradle the phone between my ear and shoulder as I answer.
“Hey, Jordie, sorry it’s late. You know that history essay I asked you to help me with?” My brother sounds stressed. And I feel very weird talking to him with no pants on, so I wriggle back into my clothes while we talk.
“Yeah, bud?”
“It’s due tomorrow, not next Friday, like I thought. Oops.” My brother gives a nervous titter of a laugh. Mom will not be happy about the mixup. But Liam can be forgetful about stuff he doesn’t care about, and he’s supposed to have an education plan to help him stay on track with due dates.
“It wasn’t in the schedule?” I rub at my temples and look around for my socks. I mouth an apology to Ray, because I know where this is going. It’s shaping up to be a long night working on this essay with my brother and studying for my exams.
“It was, but I’ve been going to taekwondo every night this week to get ready for our next competition. I forgot to check the school schedule because I thought I had more time. And—”
“It’s okay, take a breath. The important thing is that you noticed and we are going to get the assignment done in time, okay?”
“Yeah,” Liam takes a deep breath. “Okay.”
“I am going to head back to my place and call you back, email me the assignment and get your books organized, alright?”
“Yeah. Thanks, Jordie. I’ll send it to you.” He sounds so relieved that I can’t hold the inconvenience of the last minute call against the kid.
“No problem. Talk to you soon, Liam.” I hang up and slip my phone into my pocket. I turn toward Ray with an apologetic grimace because I’m really not ready to go, but I know I have to. “It’s my brother, sorry, Ray. He’s having a minor homework crisis. I hate to come and then go, but he needs me.”
“I get it. Family comes first.” Ray forces a smile. “Call me later? I’ll be up late studying.”
“I’ll text first. This has nothing to do with what we just did, okay?” I reach out and rub my palms down his arms, wishing I could stay and continue learning every plane of his body.
“Yeah. I know. We should do it again soon.” Ray gives me a wobbly smile.
“I had a great time, and I’d love to stay longer.” I pull him into a hug, pressing a kiss to his temple and hoping I’m not messing up our budding relationship already.
“Next time you can stay longer.” Ray rests his head on my shoulder, hugging me close. I hold on, rocking him from side to side and savoring the affection.
“Next time.” I agree, then I tip his face up for a proper goodnight kiss. I take my time tasting him. Our tongues tangle in a sensual dance that has my cock perking up for another round. That won’t be happening tonight unless it’s with my hand while I’m reliving what we just did.
I sigh and we part reluctantly. I gather up my school stuff, taking my time to linger in Ray’s presence and stealing glances at him.
“Go help your brother with his homework.” Ray nudges me toward the door.
“Goodnight, sunshine.”
“Night, Jordie.” Ray stands in his doorway, watching as I walk down the hall to the stairs. I wink at him and blow a kiss that he pretends to catch with a goofy lovestruck grin before I push through the doors and out of sight. Damn, I have the cutest boyfriend ever. That can’t be wrong. Even if he is new to figuring out his identity and part of me is still concerned about him growing away from me once he no longer needs a mentor to guide him through the first steps of his transition.
It wouldn’t be the first time I guided a baby queer right out of my life. But I still want to go on that journey with him. Explore every part of him as he gets ever more comfortable with himself. I want to see him bloom and stay by his side.
I can’t shake the sense Nell ingrained in me that Ray is going to outgrow his uses for me. But when he does, from where I’m standing now, the pain of that parting will still be worth the joy of the precious moments we’ve been sharing along the way. I just need to protect my heart against that inevitable end, even as I savor my first real taste of Ray’s lingering sweetness on my tongue.