17. Chapter 17
Chapter seventeen
Jordie
“ Y ou brought him!” Liam opens the door as soon as Ray and I reach the front steps of our family’s tidy brownstone. It blends in with the matching turreted homes on either side. The living room’s bay windows let in plenty of afternoon sunlight for my brother’s plant collection and the family cats to nap. Liam has clearly been watching for our arrival. We aren’t late for dinner, but we could have been here sooner.
I feel a little bad for making out with Ray back at his dorm instead of heading over here right away after classes. We didn’t actually fuck and show up late, though, and my boyfriend is a snack, so I can’t really be blamed for needing a taste of him. He’s been so horny lately; it’s a shame my meds have the opposite effect to his, but I’ve still been enjoying helping him get off every chance we get.
Most of our study dates have been in one of our rooms lately, so I can reward him for a good session with coming. And even if I’m not always interested in getting off too, I’m always into the way he touches me. Ugh, even E isn’t enough to fully blunt my response to the mental image of Ray coming for me, and the stirring in my groin is uncomfortable. I shove those thoughts aside and focus on introducing Ray to my family. My brother standing in front of us helps me set my libido aside.
“I did! Ray, this is my little brother, Liam.” I pull Ray in front of me and nudge him toward my brother. “Liam, this is my boyfriend, Ray.”
I love the warm thrill of getting to claim Ray in front of my family. Liam steps back and eyes Ray over. “You’re nice to Jordie?”
“Of course.” Ray nods, glancing over his shoulder at me with a smile.
“Good.” Liam gives Ray a slightly manic grin. “Keep it that way.”
“I’ve heard so much about you. It’s nice to meet you, Liam.” Ray waves.
“Mhm. Come meet our cats.” He grabs Ray’s hand and hauls him through to the living room where Tigger is almost definitely sunning himself on the windowsill. The three-legged orange tom is a cuddler, so I have no doubt he’ll be perfectly happy with Ray. Spleen, Kara’s diabetic tortoiseshell rescue kitten, is still coming out of her shell around people though, so that’s the real test.
I trail after Ray and Liam, only for Kara to come pounding down the stairs of my folk’s old brownstone to pounce on my back.
“Jordie’s here!” Kara shrieks to our parents, mouth inches from my ear. Ouch.
“Hey, rascal!” I grab my sister’s knees to support her as she wraps her spindly arms across my chest and giggles as I spin us in a circle. Her legs seem more gangly than I remember and I have to be careful not to bang her feet into the wall. She’s always been a happy kid, but I love making her laugh like this.
“Welcome home, Jordie. We’re in the kitchen,” Mom calls.
“Just in time. Come test the popover filling before we pop them in the oven,” Dad adds. Fruit-filled popovers are his go-to dessert. His flavor pairings, on the other hand, are very hit or miss lately. Kara and I groan in tandem, then laugh.
“Not it,” she mutters under her breath.
“Sure, be right there, Pop!” I call back to him. “How’s school going?” I ask Kara as I carry her piggyback down the hallway. She has to have grown several inches since the fall.
Kara shrugs, squeezing me tighter with the motion. “Boring. I’ve got another chess tournament on Sunday.”
“Nice! Going to win again?”
“Obviously. Destiny is going down,” Kara boasts. Well, it’s not really boasting if it’s true, I guess. But it’s cute how competitive she gets with her bestie.
Liam jokes that it’s a crush, and from how furiously she blushes at the teasing, I suspect there’s at least a kernel of truth to it. But it’s too strange to think of the baby whose diapers I changed growing up into an actual adult, so I’m not touching that at all.
“Nice. Let me know how it goes. I’m cheering for you.”
Her kitten darts out from under the coffee table, mewing and twining around my ankles, almost tripping me.
“Ah, you’re going to knock me down, Spleen. Here, get down now, kiddo.” I deposit Kara on the couch and turn to smile at her. It’s weird to see that the baby-faced grade-schooler I adore is truly turning into a lanky adolescent. “Who gave you permission to shoot up like a weed?” I demand, ruffling her hair.
She scowls, playfully batting my hand away. “I’m, like, the shortest in my class. So someone better give me permission to grow more soon.”
“Yeah? Weren’t you the tallest a few years ago?” I ask, reaching down to scritch Spleen’s chin. The kitten rears up to rest her forepaws on my knee and lets me rub behind her ears.
Kara sighs wearily. “Yeah. Want to lend me a few inches?”
“Wish I could, squirt.” I pick up Spleen and pet her as she purrs.
“Aww, she remembers you gave her that catnip mouse last time,” Kara says.
“Bribery works.” I wink and pass her kitten to her. Spleen bumps her forehead into Kara’s face, looking for affection. “Be nice to Ray, and I’ll bring more donuts next week.”
Kara salutes. “Sure, we’ll just give him the shovel talk before dinner. I want the strawberry ones from Holes. And Jordie?”
“Yeah?”
“He seems nicer than Nell already.” Kara juts her chin toward Liam and Ray. They’re both standing by the turret windows. Ray is petting Tigger while Liam waxes poetic about the shelves overflowing with his plants.
“Oh?” I arch a brow at her. I still haven’t shared all the hurtful details of mine and Nell’s breakup with my family, but that was almost four years ago. So Kara’s been holding her dislike close to her chest for a long while. Kid can hold a grudge like a champ.
Kara nods toward Liam. He can talk about his plants all day to anyone who will listen. Ray does just that, giving every sign of rapt attention. “Yeah, he’s actually treating Liam like a person.”
That hits right in the center of my chest. Yeah, I don’t have the best track record with dating, but Liam never said anything about Nell, or any of my exes, mistreating him. If he had, I’d have dumped them at word one, which in retrospect might be why he kept his silence. But also, my last few exes haven’t really been all that interested in meeting the family or spending time with my little siblings. I’d have ended things much sooner if I’d noticed them outright being rude to either of my siblings.
Kara notes my stormy expression and rushes to add, “Oh, she was always nice when you were around; it was just little comments when you were out of the room that I picked up on. You deserve someone nice, Jords. Not all the excuses to avoid meeting us, or the weird faces behind your back when Liam talks about his plants.”
“You’re right. Thanks, rascal. Next time tell me if someone seems off?”
When I glance over again, Liam is gesturing excitedly at one of his pitcher plants and Ray is nodding along. He catches my eye and grins. That’s a stark contrast to Keith mouthing a plea for help, eyes glazed over at all the species names my brother rattles off like most people can recite their favorite actors or sports stars. When Liam gets going about his plants, it’s hard to get a word in edge-wise. Keith was totally out of his depth, trying to follow the conversation the last time I had a few friends over for family dinner. He wasn’t rude about it, just overwhelmed, trying to keep up with Liam’s plant knowledge.
“Obviously. I’m not a baby anymore. I’ve got your back.” Kara stands and hip checks me.
“Thanks.” I offer her a fist bump and Kara returns it. “I should go see what Pops is planning to subject us to for dessert, right?”
She pulls a face. “Good luck with that. He found a curry glazed carrot recipe the other day and now he thinks he can just add curry powder to everything to make it fancy. Spoilers, curry blueberry turnovers are about as good as they sound.” She makes a gagging sound and I laugh as I turn toward the kitchen.
“I’ll see if I can salvage something. Maybe if he’s got some peaches?”
“Mhm, good luck with that. I’m going to grill your boyfriend while you’re gone,” Kara singsongs.
“Be nice to him.” I wag an admonishing finger at her.
“Uh, huh. I make no promises,” she taunts.
“Donuts,” I remind her.
“A full dozen?” Kara bargains. I scowl, she cackles. “Relax, Jordie, I’ll be nice unless he gives me reasons not to be. No bribes needed.”
Spleen’s ears prick up, gaze intent on the hallway, then she jumps down from Kara’s arms and dashes out of the room. My sister laughs at her cat. “There she goes, chasing invisible mice again.” She brushes cat fur off her lap and saunters toward the window.
“Hey, Ray, right?” Kara taps Ray’s shoulder, then holds out a hand to shake. “I’m Kara. I’m sure Jordie told you all about me. They haven’t stopped talking about their adorable new baby trans friend all semester.”
“Oh?” Ray looks startled, then a slow grin stretches his pretty lips. “Nice to meet you, Kara. What else has Jordie told you about me?”
“Well, for starters, you think their weird puns are funny. Honestly, if you laugh at their tragic jokes they should probably never let you go,” she teases with the dryly cutting humor that’s been far beyond her years for ages. The brat.
Ray bites his lip to suppress a laugh. “Ouch, I can’t tell if you’re making fun of Jordie’s jokes or me for laughing. You’re brutal, kid.”
Kara shrugs. “I’m the baby of the family. They have to love me. And as long as you’re nice to my sib, you won’t have to find out how brutal I can be, alright?”
“Deal.” Ray bites his cheek, like he thinks she’s bluffing, but he offers her a handshake that she makes a show of accepting.
“Careful,” Liam interjects as he reaches for another of his plants hanging from the curtain rod to show off the massive purple pitchers on one of his favorite hybrids. “Kara hid J’s high school girlfriend’s car keys in the litter box. She had to have the car rekeyed before we found them, and little sis still blames Mittens, our late cat, for doing the deed.”
“Mittens was always a curious cat,” Kara says, pretending to examine her fuchsia painted nails. “And I was seven. You can’t prove anything.”
“Uh, huh. Nell was not happy.” Liam observes, still focused on checking out his plants.
“She got off light. Liam talked me out of the laxative brownies that I wanted to make her in my Easy Bake oven.” Kara smiles sweetly, her cherubic expression at odds with her threats. Ray snorts.
Even though I should go talk to my folks, I wander closer to see how the meeting goes. For all I’m struggling to accept that I might be enough for Ray to stay with me, I desperately want Ray and my siblings to get along.
“Makes sense. I’m protective of my older siblings too. I have three older brothers, Adam, Darren, and Luke.”
“Ugh.” Kara rolls her eyes. “So three times as overprotective as two overbearing big sibs, huh?”
“Exactly, you get it!” Ray offers her a fist bump which Kara reciprocates. “Still, they’re all giant nerds who need someone to look out for them, you know? Like one of Adam’s ex-girlfriends was awful to me whenever Adam wasn’t around. She was queerphobic toward Darren and Luke too, but never in front of Adam. So eventually I got sick of it, borrowed Adam’s phone, and texted her. I made it seem as if he accidentally sent her a text meant for another girl he was setting up a date with.”
“No!” Kara smothers a scandalized giggle. “And?”
“She was so pissed thinking he was cheating on her,” Ray cracks a small smile.
I glance between my siblings to gauge their reactions. On some level, I trust their judgment more than my own, considering how easily Nell toyed with my heart. I don’t think Ray is like her, but when I gave Nell my heart, I didn’t think she was like that either.
Liam seems too caught up in noting humidity reading on the dials next to his more finicky plants to be more than indifferent to the story. The fact he isn’t bothering to mask his disinterest and that he’s still hanging out instead of retreating up to his room is a good sign. Kara is hanging on Ray’s every word.
“What happened?” Kara leans conspiratorially closer to my boyfriend. Her eyes are alight with a delighted sort of kinship that settles something inside of me. My sister likes Ray. More than that, I think he just won her over entirely with that shared little sibling proclivity for getting up to good mischief in the name of protecting family.
“They broke up and he didn’t forgive me for months. Until he found out that she’d been dating another of their friends behind his back most of the time they were together. Another time, Darren was seeing a guy who treated him like crap. So my youngest brother and I left dirty laundry all over Darren’s room and hid old tuna cans in his vents when we knew the jerk was coming over.”
“Teach me your ways,” Kara claps in glee. “The best prank I pulled was on our annual road trip to visit Gran. I sprinkled ghost pepper seasoning into Liam and Jordie’s bugles bag when I was eight. They like making weird little ice creams out of them and that cheese with the creepy red cow on it? And I couldn’t have any because I would throw up if I had dairy while we drove. So I got my vengeance.” Kara cackles. I groan, and Liam makes a yuck face, like he can still feel the burn. She loves telling that story.
Listening to Ray and Kara compare notes about their best pranks is weird. For one, I might be in trouble if I let those two collaborate on any kind of surprise with their plotting, but that only makes me grin. It’s weird because it feels like I’m watching two people I care about forming a bond independent of their connections to me. It makes this budding relationship seem more tangible, like something that could actually take root and grow.
“Wow, that’s cold.” Ray whistles, low and impressed. “I just ate my older brothers’ favorite snacks before they got to them when I was peeved with them as a kid. Or, like, pretend sneezed on them.”
“Road trip snacks are sacrosanct.” Liam complains. “I still can’t eat bugles from an open package without feeling the burn. You’re the reason I have trust issues.” He winks though. I’m pretty sure he’s mostly joking since Kara rarely pulls mean pranks. She’s gotten better at using her judgment on how far to take things over the years.
“Ugh. See? She’s already diabolical enough, sunshine. Don’t contribute to the delinquency of a minor,” I protest.
“You’re not a lawyer yet, Jords! Tell me everything, sunshine.” Kara wheedles. And Ray flushes at my nickname for him coming from her, but he smiles and seems comfortable comparing pranks with my little sister.
“I’m with Jordie on this one; little sis comes up with enough pranks on her own. Check out my Nepenthes rajah , Ray.” Liam holds up the jewel of his collection of carnivorous plants. Dark purple pitchers as big as his head trail down from the end of its oblong leaves. “They’re endangered in the wild. This one was ethically cultivated; I grew it from a tiny seedling, so no worries there. They can get up to four feet tall and they’ve adapted to catch shrew poop as fertilizer. How cool is that? Mom says I can’t get a shrew to feed it though.” Liam makes a face at that. I try not to laugh at the way his thought processes send my brother on weird tangents. Only Liam would get a pet shrew for his favorite plant.
“Wow, how does that work?” Ray asks, leaning in to study the massive pitcher with genuine interest. Liam’s face lights up at having an avid audience to tell about his special interest, and something settles in my chest. Ray is going to be fine with my siblings.
Kara smiles at me, and sidles close enough to murmur out of the corner of her mouth. “Your new boyfriend is a nerd. I like him.”
“Me too,” I smile at her, and then raise my voice a little to break into Liam’s lecture about his favorite topic so I can address Ray. “You good with these two while I say hi to my folks?” I ask, giving his shoulders a squeeze. If he’s not comfortable, then I’ll just stay, or bring him into the kitchen with me.
“Yeah, I’m trapped anyway.” Ray gestures to where Tigger has draped himself over his lap.
“Cat trapped.” Liam and Kara both echo, then fist bump.
“Go say hi to the rents.” Kara waves me away dismissively. “We’ll entertain your boyfriend for you.”
Ray seems totally fine with that, and my heart is all wibbly wobbly over how seamlessly he fits with my family. Like he really could be in this for the long term. That’s an overwhelming thought that makes my breath catch in a good way. I want that so much, it’s hard to even admit it to myself. I shove that glowing ember of hope down, letting it simmer where it can’t burn itself out prematurely. Instead of gushing my emotions everywhere, I fall back on familiar teasing.
“Fine, you better be nice to him.” I wag my finger at my siblings.
Kara pretends to bite at it, flashing pearly teeth in a feral grin. “I make no promises, but he seems cool.” She winks at Ray, who smiles back.
Liam shrugs off my concerns, undeterred from sharing more fun facts about his favorite topic; his plants. “Oh! How’s this for nice? Did you know what’s cool about Nepenthes? They’re dioecious, which is rare in flowering plants, neat right? The only way to tell if an individual plant produces ova or pollen is to let them flower.” He grimaces. “Which is a pain, because I’d rather have them spending that energy on more pitchers than a flower spike.”
I’ve heard his flower spike talk before. Liam brought it up when I told him about being genderqueer. He told me how plants don’t care about gender norms, and neither does he. Then he launched into more weird plant facts and how vegetative cloning is a more efficient way to reproduce anyway. If he’s sharing his favorite plant facts, Ray is already on his good side.
I give Ray’s shoulder one last reassuring squeeze and go to the kitchen. My folks greet me with hugs and I’m relieved to find Dad isn’t putting weird experimental things into my favorite peach and ginger popovers.
We exchange the usual small talk and Mom asks where Ray is, smiling when I tell her my sibs are unsubtly grilling him in the living room.
“And you aren’t worried about that?” Dad arches a brow at me. “You usually hover when you bring home a date.”
“Nah, Ray can handle Liam and Kara,” I say. It goes without saying that my siblings can hold their own with him. “I trust him.”
It hits me with the force of a mack truck that’s true on a level it hasn’t been with most of my exes. I trust Ray to be kind to my siblings and answer their questions honestly and to their satisfaction, with no ulterior motives to hide or reveal.
“Good, let’s get everything on the table. I want to meet this boy.” Mom smiles as she picks up the large casserole dish and tips her chin toward the stack of clean plates. “Come set the table and tell me how your law school applications are going. Have you heard back from any of your top choices yet?”
I grimace at the reminder that my future is rushing toward me fast. It’s got so much more than the adorable twink in the other room in store for me. I only have one semester and change left of the life I know, the routines I’ve settled into and the friends I adore. So little time to really get to know Ray. I’m not ready to close this chapter, but that’s not an option.
Law school with more years of grueling classes looms ahead. I don’t feel ready for it, but at least it will mean having a direction once I get my degree in May. A direction that is all too likely to lead me away from Ray. If he’s even still interested in me by the spring. I’ve gone down this road before with overeager, newly out potential friends who seemed to want more than a sounding board for figuring themselves out. Until they found the confidence to leave me behind, just like Nell did.
Ray doesn’t seem like them, but that’s another reason I’ve avoided anything approaching a serious relationship since Nell. She dripped her honeyed lies into my ears until I was no longer useful. Not that I suspect Ray of anything so nefarious. I just can’t banish the lingering phantom pain from the scars Nell left behind. There’s no point getting too emotionally invested when I don’t know where I’ll be in a year. I can’t shape that choice around someone I only met a few months ago.
No matter how much that sweet sunshine smile of his makes me want to bend all my rules to the breaking point. The plan hasn’t changed. I’m going to bask in his attention for as long as I have it, and not expect more than that.
“Jordie?” Mom breaks me out of my melancholy doom spiral. Right. She asked about law school. As if she and Dad wouldn’t be the first to know my news if it wasn’t way too soon for that.
“Um, I haven’t heard from anyone yet. It’s still too early. I applied to every law school in Boston and I’m looking at a few others in New England, in case none of the local schools work out.”
“Good, I’m proud of you, Jordie.” Mom sets the casserole in the center of the table and gives me a hug. She asks more questions about my applications and my classes, but I have nothing new to tell her. Classes are good and law school is equal parts exciting dream and scary unknown, and that won’t change until I’m in the thick of it.
Dad brings in two bowls with salad and corn to set them beside the main dish and the loaves of bakery fresh bread sitting on the cutting board already. I help my folks finish setting the table with butter, condiments, and pitchers of water, juice, and lemonade.
Dad goes to put his popovers in the oven. I trail Mom back into the living room where Ray is still snuggling with Tigger. Liam has moved on to explaining the genetics of his favorite pitcher plants and his rare plant wishlist so he can try his hand at breeding new hybrids with bigger, bolder pitchers.
Tigger stretches languidly, then lowers himself from Ray’s lap to greet Mom with a chirping mew. He’s a mama’s boy.
Ray stands awkwardly and brushes Tigger’s fur from his lap. I go to him, looping an arm around his shoulders in solidarity as I introduce him to Mom. “Hey, sunshine, ready to meet my mom?” I murmur in his ear.
Ray flashes me a tight smile and nods.
“Mom, this is Ray, my partner. Ray, my mom.” I gesture between them.
“Lovely to meet you,” Ray steps toward her, offering a handshake.
Mom pulls him into a hug. “A pleasure to meet you. Anyone Jordie cares about is welcome here.”
“Thanks.” Ray smiles awkwardly. Mom notices his discomfort and turns toward my siblings.
“Well, dinner’s ready. Why don’t we all head to the dining room?” Mom claps her hands together to get Liam’s attention. Liam sets the plant he was holding back in its spot on a rack over a tray of water and fiddles with the humidity sensor beside it. He checks the temperature controls next to his favorite highland plants that are more sensitive to the climate.
“The plants are fine, Liam, wash up for supper,” Mom says, gentle but firm.
“Mhm,” Liam hums distractedly as he pours more distilled water into the tray and mists the plants sitting on top of it. Mom purses her lips and watches to be sure he actually finishes up his fussing. She gives him a minute to change gears and reassure himself that his plant gadgets are all in working order to maintain the humidity and light each plant requires.
Kara nudges a few of the pots back into alignment and then both of my siblings head for the table. I keep my arm around Ray’s waist as we make our way to the table. He settles right in when we all take our seats. He’s more guarded with my parents than with my siblings, but he still smiles and participates in the conversation.
It’s a good night, but I notice Ray’s smile fraying in unguarded moments. Like when my siblings tease each other with running jokes and my mom breaks out the embarrassing kid stories. My family doesn’t pick up on his cues, but I can’t ignore the melancholy way he draws into himself.
I gnaw my lips, wondering if he’s uncomfortable with my family or missing his own. Is he wondering and worrying whether he’ll get to hear the affection in his own mother’s voice as she recounts the early signs of his transness, the way mine does? Proudly.
I was not subtle about borrowing her clothes and playing with her makeup to put on little princess plays. Nominally, I did it to entertain Liam when he was a mostly nonverbal toddler. Liam’s autism wasn’t the only reason our sperm donor didn’t stick around, but that’s the reason I can’t forgive him for. Mom tried to shield us from his rejection of who we both are.
She always indulged my love of swishy skirts and bright colors. When it turned out to be more about expressing who I was rather than just enjoying the sensory experience, she loved me through that process of self-discovery. Even when she didn’t always understand and it made life more difficult for all of us.
Ray tries to hide his melancholy when Mom packs up leftovers and hugs him at the end of the evening. He tells me he’s just homesick, but I think there might be more to it. The way he glanced so longingly between me and my folks when they gendered me correctly and talked about my future plans in glowing terms. How he went quiet when they asked if he’s visiting home for the upcoming holiday break.
They said we’re welcome to spend the extra long weekend with them, driving to visit my gran like always, and I promised to think about it. In truth, there’s something I’ve been mulling over ever since he mentioned not being able to afford tickets home.
There’s definitely something worrying Ray, something bigger than just being overwhelmed with new people. I long to share the plans that have been forming in the back of my mind, but I don’t want to get his hopes up in case it falls through. I still need to wedge a few more pieces into place.
After food, Liam insists on finishing his plant tour and Kara challenges Ray to a game of chess, which she loses by the narrowest of margins. When I catch Kara’s eye afterward, she winks at me. The fact she let him win tells me he’s won her over, clear as words. And Liam wanting to share his favorite plants is all the acceptance I need to know my family likes my new boyfriend. And I like him too. So much.