16. Chapter 16
Chapter sixteen
Ray
“ S orry, this is probably a terrible date idea,” I apologize after we sit in the waiting room. Up to the moment we spoke to the receptionist to register, this felt like an exciting life event to share. The sterile neutral colors of everything from the walls to the decor and the antiseptic odor of the clinic waiting room bring it home that this is a medical office. The outdated magazines on the table beside have well-worn edges from handling.
I’m antsy sitting there, but I try to play it cool in front of Jordie. Our dating relationship is new enough that I’m still self-conscious around them and eager to prove I can be a good boyfriend. A boy friend—even thinking the word makes me grin. They notice and smile at me.
We’ve both been so busy with classes and other obligations that not a ton has changed between us so far. Other than now that we’re together, I get to hold their hand around campus and kiss them. We’ve made out a lot over the past week too.
That’s great and all. I just want to spend all my time with them, and not just in a big group setting, though that’s nice too. Sitting here, I kind of wish I’d planned a better date than this already. Maybe we can go dancing and grab dinner at Randy’s, just the two of us, to celebrate this weekend.
“It’s not a bad date. This is going to be great for us both.” Jordie gives me a tight smile and reaches for my hand.
My palm is all sweaty. Everything I’ve read says we should both leave here today with everything we need to start our respective hormones. Despite that, I can’t stop the anxiety roiling in my gut that something is going to go wrong. Some unexpected roadblock derailing my transition goals before I can really reach for them.
Jordie squeezes my palm. Their hand is as clammy as mine. Knowing they’re also nervous is reassuring. I make a silly face. “I mean, usually if you invite a date out for shots, it’s at a bar.”
“You’re the one who’s here for shots; I just have to take a couple of pills.” Jordie winks at me. It’s not really a joke, but it makes me laugh anyway.
“True. I’m glad you’re here with me.” I give them a sappy smile.
“Me too. I’ve been waffling about whether to do this for ages, you know?” Jordie says. They bounce our joined hands on their thigh, the silky material of their skirt cool and soothing.
“What held you back?” I ask. They usually lean more fem in their presentation, so I’m not surprised that they’ve been considering estrogen, just curious about why they haven’t taken the leap yet. They’ve always struck me as being supremely confident in themself.
Jordie glances between me and the bored receptionist, then leans in to murmur near my ear, “I like using my clit to fuck. Hormones can, uh, interfere with that.” They hold up their hand and make a gesture, evoking a limp dick, one finger wilting toward their fist.
“Oh.” I flush at the mental image of them fucking me in my bed. So far, we’ve only made out and gone down on each other a handful of times, but I want to try more with them. Everything.
“Yeah. But I think we can work around that, right?” They push their curls self-consciously behind their ear. Damn, they’re so cute. I love tangling my fingers in that hair while they suck me. How much better is that going to feel when I’ve got bottom growth from the meds I’m here today to start? I shiver in delicious anticipation. There is so much I want to do with them.
“Definitely.” I nod, licking my lips. “We’ll make it work. There are plenty of other ways to enjoy each other.”
Jordie grins, eyeing me as salaciously as I’m watching them. “Yeah, we will.”
The door to the back opens, and the nurse calls my name. I jump up and glance between Jordie and the nurse, reluctant to drop their hand. I take a deep breath to steady myself. Jordie gives my palm one last squeeze, then releases me.
“Good luck, sunshine,” they say.
“You too! Meet you here after we’re both done?” I check, hesitating now that the moment is here.
“Yep!” Jordie grins. I pause again at the threshold, glancing back over my shoulder at them for one more hit of courage. They flash me two thumbs up while making a goofy face to make me laugh as I follow the nurse into the back, my heart thundering in my chest. This is it. A turning point.
The nurse measures me and asks me about my medical history and why I’m here. I answer by rote. Then I get shepherded into an exam room where I stare awkwardly at the wall diagrams of various organ systems and medical jargon until the doctor comes in. She rubs on hand sanitizer as she introduces herself and confirms my name.
She briskly asks the same questions, then delivers a spiel about HRT that she reads off a computer monitor. We talk until she seems satisfied that I understand what I’m getting into and that some changes are irreversible. She prints the document on her screen and asks me to sign the informed consent form. Then she hands me a prescription and tells me to wait again because the nurse needs to draw my blood for baseline monitoring and teach me how to inject myself.
I’m dazed, staring at the little square of paper that’s going to change my life. I drum my heels against the legs of the exam room chair. My phone buzzes in my pocket.
Jordie: How’s it going?
Ray: Good. Got it!
I snap a selfie, holding up the prescription with my tongue out because I feel kind of silly doing it. Jordie sends back a heart GIF followed by a selfie of themself with their fingers crossed beside their face in an exam room almost identical to mine.
Jordie: Ah! Congrats! I’m waiting for the doctor. Wish me luck.
I send a lucky charms GIF with psychedelic marshmallows flashing on a spoon to them.
Ray: All the luck. It was just like Pix said, lots of talking threatening me with a good time, and then sign the paper and get the prescription.
Jordie sends me a laughing GIF.
Jordie: I mean, that’s fair for you two. You both wanted all the effects. I’m a little nervous about some changes. *nervous face emoji*
Ray: Yeah. It will be okay. You can always stop if it’s not what you’re expecting.
Jordie: True. That’s what Lio did.
Ray: Oh?
Jordie: Yeah. They got the prescription and then decided they didn’t actually want to transition medically.
Ray: Cool. So long as they’re happy, good for them.
Jordie: Mhm. You done already?
Ray: No, waiting for them to take all my blood for testing and show me how to do the shots.
Jordie: Cool. How do you feel about injecting yourself?
Ray: Squirmy?
Jordie: Well, I’m game to learn how if you need help.
Ray: Might take you up on that.
There’s a perfunctory rap on my door and I fumble out one last quick message before shoving my phone away.
Ray: TTYL
The nurse gives me a weary smile and confirms my legal name and birthday. It’s jarring to hear my full name after months of everyone outside my family using Ray to address me. Even my professors have been good about using my chosen name in the handful of smaller lectures where I actually interact with them much.
I need to look into getting my ID documents officially changed. Which means telling my family. Ugh. Now that I’m starting meds, it’s only a matter of time before they know, one way or another.
The nurse draws my blood with brisk efficiency and hands me a brochure on how to inject myself. She briefly explains the process, but I can’t really get past the idea of having to stab myself to pay attention to the details.
“Um, I’m not sure I’ll be able to figure out how to do this on my own.”
“You can ask at the pharmacy if you need more instructions. Or bring your supplies here once you have them and book a nursing care appointment for one of us to give you the medication. There are good videos online too.”
“Yeah. Okay. Thanks.” I shove the brochure and prescription into my pocket. A brief flash of delight at how well they fit in the spacious pockets of my new wardrobe is enough to overshadow my nerves. It’s been months and I’m still delighted at what a difference Jordie’s simple style change suggestions can make.
“No problem, dear. If you want us to help you with the first shot, book an appointment on your way out. You’ll also need to get another round of monitoring labs in about three months. Tiff at reception will get you set up. Have a nice day.”
“Okay, thanks. You too.”
Even with the daunting prospect of learning how to self-inject and tell my parents hanging over my head, I’m still on cloud nine. I float down the hall back to the waiting area. I’m grinning as I make my followup appointments with Tiff. I can’t help pulling out the prescription to stare at it in awe when I plunk back down in the hard plastic seats to wait for Jordie’s appointment to be over.
I scroll on my phone, perusing my group chat notifications from our friends. It’s still weird to think of them as ours instead of Jordie’s, but Jordie wasn’t wrong when they said the others like me for my own sake. It still hits me like a sugar rush whenever I’m hanging out with them; I’m making friends who know all of me for the first time.
I’m forming my own friendships with the entire gang. Jacob pops into my DMs with borderline flirty memes. Lio and Pixel have been sending me trans shit-posting jokes and hanging out with me between classes while Jordie is busy. I’ve even gone for coffee with Celeste and drinks with Abe and Keith.
I can only hope my brothers will be equally supportive when I tell them the big secret that’s felt like a massive invisible wall between us. It’s been a weight on my mind for so long; I’ve forgotten what it’s like not to have an unspoken barrier holding me back from being fully present with the people I love. Words on the tip of my tongue that I keep swallowing down out of fear of how they will react.
I get caught up on our friends’ plans for a drag brunch on Sunday and pull up my private messages with Jordie. I text that I’m done. Then stare at the screen, waiting for a reply.
When it comes, it’s a beaming picture of Jordie with their prescriptions held up beside their face. They look so happy. I want to kiss them and celebrate this milestone together.
Ray: Amazing! Next stop, the pharmacy ;)
Jordie: Hell yes! See you soon.
They send me a GIF of a vampire, so I figure that means they’re getting their blood drawn too.
Ray: I’ll be here when you’re done.
I don’t get an immediate response, so I figure it won’t be much longer. While I wait, I poke around on my social media. Darren changed his profile pic to one of him with the cutie he’s been seeing and his relationship status to officially dating Ed. I congratulate him, then scroll through the positive responses from my extended family.
The entire thread of messages fills me with hope. If they can publicly embrace Darren dating a trans person, that maybe they’ll accept who I am too. Even if I’m not entirely sure how to describe my gender beyond not a girl, while also not as uncomplicated as just being a boy. From what I know about Ed, zir gender isn’t straightforward either.
Darren’s new profile pic has him and Ed gazing adoringly at each other as they embrace in front of the botanical garden’s gorgeous rose trellises. I can practically smell their sweet perfume and it makes me miss home in a way I haven’t since falling in with Jordie and my new friends. Crisp fall afternoons wandering through the gardens have always been a highlight of the season. I thumb the like button and close the app.
Perfect timing, because that’s when the door to the exam rooms swings open and Jordie strides through with a triumphant smile for me. I stand and go to hug them, and they feel so right in my arms. Soon, they’ll be the one with the soft curves pressed against the squashed smooth planes of my chest, and that will be even better. I squeeze them tight, ignoring the way my binder digs into my skin and constricts every breath.
“Can’t believe we did it, huh?” I ask, all breathy enthusiasm.
“I know!” Jordie bounces us both in a circle.
I’ll need to message Darren later to give him a more personal congratulations. And to grill him about Ed. It’s tempting to come out to him too, but I don’t want to steal focus from his relationship going official, besides this is in person news. I want to be in the room with him when I tell him.
I still need to work out the details. Because being Ray here has shown me that there’s more nuance to how I feel than just a binary choice between girl and boy. I’ve known for ages that woman will never fit me, but it turns out that something about man chafes too. It can’t fully capture all of me, but it’s closer and I can’t wait to see how the hormones impact things.
A part of me wonders if looking the part might help to embrace it more fully. But a part of me still relates to certain parts of the femininity I was raised to aspire to. Holding the prescription that can unlock a world of possibilities for me, I might be ready to tell everyone soon. But until I am, I have Jordie in my corner at least.
“You ready to go get these filled?” They ask me, and there’s just enough of a suggestive lilt to their tone that I can’t help thinking of other things I want to fill. I’m going to be in trouble if the meds increase my horny thoughts about them because, damn, just being around Jordie already has my libido in high gear.
“Yeah.” I lick my lips, then lean in to murmur in their ear, “And that’s not the only thing I want to fill.”
Jordie snorts delicately as they loop our elbows together. “Well, what are we waiting for? The sooner we run our errands, the sooner we can celebrate.” They wink, drawing out that last word in a way that makes it drip with innuendo that I can’t wait to act on.