Chapter 10
Zaid
I should be panicking.
I should be pacing and worrying and on the verge of hyperventilating.
I should be spiraling over how my life will never be the same again now that I’m going to be a father.
And I certainly should be telling Ava, Actually, I’ll take you up on that extra time to think about what I want to do. Cheers, love.
But I’m not. And I won’t. Because somehow, this punch she’s delivered has shattered me and pieced me back together in a way that finally makes sense.
I might be a little bit concussed, sure, but this is a gut-deep feeling of rightness that’s placed my world back on its proper axis.
It’s burned away the fog that’s lingered since Singapore, the one that made me wonder if I could ever feel more than numb complacency and the bone-aching discomfort of unceasing anxiety.
Turns out, I can. And it’s exhilarating and terrifying and has me unsure if I should laugh or scream or gently take Ava’s face in my hands and tell her that I’m scared absolutely shitless.
But that fear? That twist of terror that everything is going to change?
It means I’m alive. And that accompanying dip and swoop and lift of my heart inside my chest, eager to feel whatever’s next?
It means I want to see it all transform, no matter how it all comes to pass.
I can’t remember the last time I felt anything like it.
Might be a little too far to tell Ava all that, though.
She’s thrown enough by what I’ve already said, a gentle crease between her brows, doe eyes damp as she blinks away tears.
I can’t tell what kind of tears they are – happy?
overwhelmed? hormonal? – but she has every right to be emotional right now.
‘Don’t worry about how this is going to affect my driving,’ I say, needing to move on from my confession. She’s already seen my struggles, and this isn’t the time to rehash them.
Besides, she’s just gifted me with the greatest reason to leave racing behind.
You just gave me something to live for.
She nods, tongue darting out to wet her lips.
The motion drags my attention down to her mouth, and I’m reminded of the night that got us here.
Of the whiskey and her smile. Of the red, white, and blue and a flash of pink in the middle of it all, making me laugh in ways I haven’t in so long.
Of the way she moaned my name and writhed beneath me, inhibitions unleashed.
God, she’s beautiful. There’s no way I could have resisted her, not after years of keeping myself away, but it was supposed to be one night. I wasn’t even sure if I’d see her again, no matter how much I wanted to. Now we’re tied together for life. Now she’s the mother of my child.
My child. Fuck. I’m really going to be a dad. I have to tell my own father, have to see his reaction to having a second grandchild so soon, have to get all the advice I can possibly—
It’s like a hot poker through the heart when I remember that’s not something I can do. I’ve been without him for two years and yet I still have these moments when my first thought is of calling him. But he can’t help me. He can’t guide me through this. I’m on my own.
‘We have a lot to figure out,’ Ava says, lightly placing her hand over mine where I still have it resting on her knee. Her touch pulls me back to the present before I can follow the spiral of grief down to the pit I’ve barely clawed my way out of.
Now that she’s mentioned it, the list that’s compiling in my head is already miles long.
My immediate thought is of the fans and the photographers lingering outside this hotel, the ones waiting for a glimpse of me or any sort of news.
They’ll be on Ava in a split second if they catch the faintest hint that we’ve even passed by each other, and if they learn about the baby? It’ll be hell on earth.
I don’t want them making her life as miserable as they’ve made mine through the years. Don’t want her privacy stolen. Don’t want her to face the evil things these faceless people say. Not again.
‘The biggest thing we need to worry about right now is keeping you safe,’ I say. ‘I don’t want fans and the press hounding you again.’
She nods and draws her fingers away, and I’m taken aback by how bereft I feel without her touch.
It only gets worse when she shifts to better face me, causing my hand to fall into the empty space between us.
‘Then we should keep our distance from each other,’ she says.
‘I can’t see any other way to prevent that from happening. ’
I understand why she’s suggesting it, but that’s not an option for me. I refuse to show up on the day this baby’s born without having been there to help Ava and watch her grow our child. I’ve already missed enough – I won’t miss any more.
‘No,’ I say, a little firmer than I intend.
I want her to know how serious I am, but I’m not trying to scare the poor woman off.
‘We just need to be cautious and go public on our own terms. People are going to find out eventually, so we might as well control the narrative around it.’ I take care to soften my next words.
‘Let’s tell our families first, give them a chance to settle into this, and then we can release a joint statement saying we’re expecting a child together.
It’ll give people time to get over the shock of it before the baby’s even born.
Then, maybe, they won’t be so horrible.’ It’s a long shot, but it’s the only solution I can think of that satisfies my desire to keep her close and protected.
‘I guess that could work,’ she eventually concedes, and while I can hear a note of cautious optimism in her words, it seems like she’s fighting hard for it.
‘We both know how bad the rumors can get when you don’t address things fast enough.
’ She pauses to take a breath as color begins to creep into her cheeks.
‘But if we do go public, people are probably going to speculate whether we’re, um, together, just like they did last time.
I don’t know if you want that, or how you want to handle it, or if it would affect your reputation, and I just—’
I gently cut in to keep her from rambling herself into more obvious embarrassment. ‘Are you asking if we should let people assume we’re a couple or hint that this was meant to be a one-night thing?’
‘Yeah.’ She exhales a timid laugh, glancing down at the carpet and twisting her fingers together. ‘I guess that’s what I’m asking.’
I gently grasp her hand, stilling her nervous motions and hoping she won’t pull away again. ‘We can do whatever you’re most comfortable with. I’ll happily play along either way.’
She worries her bottom lip between her teeth as she quietly considers it.
‘I guess we can keep it vague and let them think whatever they want, because they will anyway. In real life, though . . .’ Her cheeks flush a deeper pink as she glances at me from the corner of her eye.
‘Obviously we have . . . something between us. But it’s probably for the best if we focus on one thing at a time, starting with making it through this pregnancy. ’
It’s not a complete rejection but it still stings like one, even though I know she’s right.
Acting on our attraction to each other at this point could be a recipe for disaster later down the line, and it’s important that we don’t add extra complications to an already complex situation.
More than anything, we have to focus on how we can be friends and co-parents before we can even consider mixing in stronger emotions.
‘You’re right,’ I say, as much as I don’t want to. ‘And when it comes to our statement, we don’t have to say anything beyond the basics – that we’re having a baby and to respect our privacy at this time.’
Not that they will – we both know that already – but putting this out there now will help us avoid some future trouble. Let people think what they want. This is our business, not theirs.
Ava stares down at our hands, and I stroke my thumb over her knuckles, mostly to soothe myself, but I feel her fingers relax underneath mine.
‘Okay,’ she says, sounding a little more confident this time. ‘Yeah. We’ll put out a statement, and then you can get on with the rest of the season while I slink back home to grow this baby away from the spotlight.’
I frown. Did she not understand what I meant when I said I wanted to be involved?
Be there for her? That can’t happen if she’s off in America, all while I’m in a new country practically every week.
I understand that she won’t be able to fly past a certain point in her pregnancy, and where she ends up then is a conversation we can have at a later date, but for now?
If she’s comfortable with it and able to, I want her to stick close.
‘I didn’t mean—’ I cut short, trying to figure out how to phrase what I want to say without coming off like some overbearing prick. ‘I was actually hoping you could travel with me.’
I force myself not to be hurt by the way she jerks her hand away, her eyes going wide and a disbelieving laugh escaping her lips. ‘Travel with you?’
My face heats at her tone, but her reaction isn’t exactly shocking.
I get the feeling she invited me here to tell me the news and unburden her conscience, then expected me to want to be hands-off.
But that’s not the kind of father I had, and when I ever dared to think of the kind of father I wanted to be, it always revolved around me following in Dad’s footsteps.
‘Ava, I want to be there for you,’ I explain, voice low, heavy with emphasis.
‘But I don’t exactly have a job where I can be wherever you are.
I understand it’s unfair to ask this of you, and obviously you can say no if you’re not up for it or just want to get back to your life, but I want to see that you’re okay. I want you with me.’