Chapter 24
BECKETT
“You not knowing wasn’t intentional,” I start.
Clover crosses her arms over her chest, and I realize I’m starting this the wrong way. I don’t want to shut her out. “That’s not any better, Beckett.”
“I know,” I admit. “She left. She disappeared in the middle of the night to follow a guy who played shows at the bar where she worked. His band got some kind of deal or some shit, and Hannah decided that was the life she wanted. Honestly, I’m surprised she stuck around as long as she did after Lennon was born.
I’ve never told Lennon, but Hannah never wanted to be a mom.
It takes two, though, so she thought she would try it out. It’s okay that it wasn’t for her.”
Clover raises her brow at those words. “How is it okay?” She asks, her eyes watery. “How could you say it’s okay for someone to leave her?”
Oh. She’s mad, but it’s not completely at me. This isn’t the first time she’s kind of alluded to something along these lines, but I don’t want to pry.
“Lennon is one of the brightest souls I’ve met,” she accuses quietly. “Why would you say it’s okay for her to go? She needs a mommy, Beckett.”
I bristle at that. “I think I’ve done a pretty fuckin’ good job raising her without one, Clover Jane.”
She softens. “I’m sorry, you’re right. You have.
She’s smart, she’s loved, she’s healthy, she’s got a huge personality.
You’ve done great. I just . . . I can’t wrap my mind around leaving my baby.
I guess the difference is how badly I wanted one versus someone who knows that’s not the life they want. ”
Fuck. Clover always wanted a big family, and I suddenly understand her anger. Someone had what she’s wanted her whole life, choosing to leave.
I kick my shoes off and move up to be beside her when I see her bottom lip start to tremble, wrap my arm around her shoulders, and pull her to me. Just like every time. Just like it’s supposed to be.
“The only reason I say it’s okay is that I’d rather her not have a mom than have a mom that’s absent or unloving.
Hannah wasn’t a loving person, CJ. She screamed all the time.
She would let Lennon cry for hours, until someone called me to come home because they would hear her through the apartment walls.
One of those nights, I came home, and Hannah was gone.
She fucking left Lennon in her crib, crying for her.
I’m so grateful the neighbor called me, because I was working a double that night.
Who knows what I would’ve found when I got home? ”
Tears are falling from my eyes at this point, too.
I’ve been so angry for so many years. I’ve pressed it down, though, for Lennon.
I don’t want her to ever know the full extent of what Hannah did.
Not because I want to give her any kind of grace, but because I never want my daughter to feel like she wasn’t chosen. She will always be my number one.
“She was gone. There was nothing I needed closure on. I just needed to get my kid and start making good choices.”
“There was a marriage to get closure on,” Clover whispers against my chest. God, she’s so small curled up to me. I run my hand gently through her curls.
“I know. I didn’t want to drag it back up. I didn’t want to have to involve her in Lennon’s life. She chose to leave; she had no right to be in it.”
“You dragged it back up by not finishing it,” she points out.
“I know, CJ. I didn’t think it mattered.”
She tilts her head up to look at me, and the pain in her eyes all but crushes me. “You should’ve told me. That’s the worst part. Don’t shut me out, Beckett.”
“I’m so sorry, Lucky girl. I know words aren’t much in this situation, but I’m going to figure it out. I swear I will.”
I kiss her head gently and let her fall asleep on my chest, only moving when my alarm clock goes off in the next room.
* * *
“You can pour money into it, sure, but the thing ain’t worth it in my humble opinion,” Benny tells me, slapping his palm against my baler. Benny has been my friend since we were in middle school, and now he’s my most trusted mechanic.
“Fuck,” I breathe out, running my hands down my face. “That’s the last thing I wanted you to tell me.”
“Sorry, boss man,” he says, putting his baseball cap back on. “I’m just shooting straight with you. You’re going to end up dumping more money into this dinosaur than you will be getting a new one, though.”
I know he’s being honest with me. He’s never screwed me out of anything or made up anything just to get more money out of me.
In fact, I usually end up forcing him to let me pay him.
Benny stands, clapping his hand on my shoulder before heading out.
“I have to get back to the shop, but let me know what you decide, brother.”
I nod, but I know he’s right. I have to go see the lawyer this evening, so I might as well swing by the equipment store to see what they’ve got. Mom and Dad picked Lennon up to go to the park and get ice cream, and Clover is downstairs reading.
It’s been a weird week since the papers were served. We’ve still been going on like normal, but it’s been more strained. She’s still helping out with Lennon in the mornings, but then she goes to town to run errands, see Brynn, or ‘work on stuff’.
I slide my jacket on and tell her I’ll be back in a bit, but then change my mind. “Hey,” I say, heading back to the living room before I leave. “Why don’t you come with me?”
She blinks. “Like . . . to the attorney? Isn’t that today?”
I nod. “Yeah. I’d like for you to come with me, if you want. No pressure, though. I have to stop by the equipment store first, though. The baler is shot.”
She considers it, but doesn’t look convinced. I put the cherry on top. “The baby chicks are in stock.”
She tosses her eReader on the couch and hops up. “You could’ve started with that.”