32. Kai and Oskar
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
KAI AND OSKAR
KAI
The plane hums over the Midwest, far above the snow-covered fields. My teammates are spread around the cabin talking and playing games. I’m sitting alone near the back listening to music with my phone in my hand.
Oskar’s message was waiting when I got up.
OZZY: Fly safe. I’ll miss you.
KAI: Me too.
A fucking heart.
I sent it. And I meant it.
Both of those facts are currently a problem, so I lock the phone and shove it into my pocket like I’m hiding evidence.
Saturday keeps replaying in my mind. I canceled. I bailed on him because my head was—no, is—a mess of static and frayed nerves.
Ozzy is so understanding. That’s the part I can’t get comfortable with. If he’d gotten pissed off, I could’ve dealt with that, but patience is who he is.
Once that thought sets in, my brain does what it always does and starts skating laps.
Christmas market, the Scandinavian booth. The look on his face when he found his parents’ gifts. I’d filled my condo with every Swedish thing I could find because I wanted him to be happy on his first Christmas away from home.
And he was.
Which meant I was.
That’s the problem. Ozzy isn’t some guy I have great sex with. He’s the person who makes me happy.
I’ll stay in touch with him this week. I will not disappear.
But that’s a partial lie, and I know it. What I’m doing is buying time.
OSKAR
Monday
OSKAR: Ready to play LA tonight?
KAI: Absolutely. Hope you’re having a good day.
OSKAR: It’s okay, thanks.
KAI: I’m glad it’s not bad, at least. I’m sorry, but we just pulled up at the arena for morning skate.
OSKAR: I understand. It’ll be late here after your game, so can we talk tomorrow?
KAI: Should be able to. We’re traveling, but only to San Jose.
OSKAR: Great. I’ll look forward to it. Good luck, hj?rtat.
KAI: Thanks. Thinking of you, hj?rtat.
I’m relieved he replied. Last night, his text after they landed in LA was thin, but I know what road trips are like. If we can talk for a while tomorrow, I’ll be okay.
My phone rings on Wednesday afternoon as I pull on my jacket. My pulse spikes when I see that it’s Kai.
“Hi, baby!”
“Hey. How’s it going?”
The words tumble out, and I hope I don’t sound desperate. “It is so good to hear your voice. Feels like it’s been forever.”
“I’m glad to hear yours too.” He sounds happy enough to convince me. “It’s been a long few days.”
“I miss you a lot. You’re still in San Jose?”
“Yes. I know you guys are playing Boston tonight, so you’ll have to leave soon. I wanted to talk to you before you go.”
The knot in my gut finally loosens. “I’m ready, so I have about fifteen minutes.”
“Tell me what you’ve been doing.”
Missing you. Wondering if we’re okay.
But I can’t say that, so I tell him about practice, what I’ve been reading, and a new shirt I bought.
“The last two sound fun,” he says. “Noah gave me a copy of a book he finished. It’s old, but I love it so far. It’s called The Firm. Have you read it?”
“No, but I’ll put it on my list.” Enough about books. “Are you feeling all right, Kai? Travel’s hard.”
We talk for a few minutes about everything except the thought that’s taken up residence in my head—are we okay?
Three-thirty comes too soon. “Sorry, baby, but I need to go. I can call you when I get home from the game tonight.”
He hesitates a beat too long. “We have a team dinner with some guys from the Pulse, and I’m not sure how long that will go. Could we talk tomorrow?”
Disappointment lands hard, but there’s nothing I can do about it. “Sure. I’m free tomorrow afternoon, so please call as early as you can. I miss you.”
“Miss you too, Ozzy. Have a good time at your game.”
“Kai? Are we…” No, I can’t ask like that. “Will we see each other over the weekend when you come home?”
“Of course.” His voice is softer. “Come on, Ozzy. I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it.”
I close my eyes as the tension eases. “Good. Have fun at dinner.”
On the way to the arena, I shove the worry down and try to lock it away. He seemed happy to talk to me. That’s a good sign.
By Friday morning, I’m turning into a mess because Kai didn’t get in touch yesterday. Although we have another game tonight, I push myself harder than usual at practice, trying to sweat out the awful feeling in my gut.
He finally calls when I get home from the rink.
“Hey,” he says. “I just realized you might be napping. Do you have a few minutes?”
“I will talk to you anytime,” I say. “Did you get to Seattle okay?”
“Yes, the game’s at seven tonight.” He sighs. “I really miss you. This trip feels like it’s lasted a year.”
He sounds tired, which worries me.
“I can’t wait for you to get home.” I decide to test the waters. “Have you thought about what you’d like to do this weekend?”
“Didn’t you say you want to stay home? I’m worn out, so that would be fine with me. We can make up for last weekend.”
That’s good to hear. I hope he doesn’t change his mind.
“Sounds perfect. We will make it good, baby. I’ve got something big waiting for you.”
“Thank God.” He sounds more sincere than he has all week. “I need you so much.”
My thumb hovers over the FaceTime icon. Then I glance at the clock. I have to be back at the arena in three hours, and I need a nap because I slept like shit last night.
We talk for a few more minutes. He says all the right things, but I can’t shake the feeling that something seems off. After we hang up, I let out a long sigh. God, what if he wants this to be us now?
I wake up early the next morning with a knot in my stomach, anticipation and dread woven together. I can’t wait to see Kai, but I’m afraid he might cancel again.
Coach gave us the morning off, so I tidy up my apartment after breakfast. As I’m heading out to run some errands, my phone buzzes. It’s a selfie from Kai. He’s smiling. My eyes sting, and I have to blink to clear my vision.
KAI: Leaving for the airport in an hour. See you soon.
The buzzing in my head settles down. See you soon. Not a plan, but it’s enough.
OSKAR: I’m counting on it! Fly safe.
KAI:
A heart. That must mean something.