37. Oskar and Kai
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
OSKAR AND KAI
OSKAR
My apartment is too cold. I set the thermostat at seventy-three and leave my hoodie on while I take my bag to the bedroom. Then I look at my phone—nothing from Kai.
What little energy I have left drains away, even though I told myself not to expect anything. Maybe he spent the day with his friends. Or he could have seen my text about getting home and panicked.
Helvete.
When I’ve finished unpacking, I sit on the edge of the bed and stare at the walls.
At least a hundred times this week, I’ve wondered if we’re falling apart.
It wouldn’t be because Kai didn’t care; honestly, that would almost be easier.
But every time things start to matter, he pulls away.
Sometimes it’s like he’s standing on the other side of bulletproof glass.
My stomach growls, reminding me I haven’t eaten since we left Las Vegas. Cooking is out of the question, so I unlock my phone to look up the pizza place nearby. Before I can dial, the doorbell rings. Fan. Last time, it was Carson wanting beer and conversation after his date fell through.
The bell rings again, and he starts knocking.
I’ll say I’m not feeling well, that we’ll have to hang out some other time.
I don’t move until the knocking turns into pounding. It’s too loud to ignore, so I push myself off the bed and hurry to the living room, ready to tell Carson I need a night of peace and quiet.
I’m about to say his name as I open the door, but instead, my heart stutters.
“Kai.”
His eyes are a little wild, and he’s out of breath. Putting on an uneasy smile, he says, “Hey.”
I’m so relieved to see him that it takes me a moment to move out of his way. “Come in.”
He won’t look me in the eye as he steps inside. “Are you busy?” he asks, glancing around as if he expects someone else to be here. “Sorry I didn’t call, but I had to see you right away.”
I wrap my arms around him, and he feels so good I moan.
“It is okay, baby. I’ve been wanting to see you too,” I say.
“Ozzy.” His voice breaks on my name.
I nudge his chin up and kiss him. His lips are trembling, so I try to be gentle and show him everything will be okay. When I pull back, his eyes are wide, but he looks calmer.
“We’ve got to…”
Without knowing what he wants, I merely lift an eyebrow.
“We need to talk,” he says. “It’s important.”
I take his hand and lead him to the couch, hoping this won’t be goodbye. “Take it easy, baby. I’ll listen to anything you want to say.”
My stomach twists. Whatever this is, it’s big.
“Kai? Talk to me.”
“Some of it’s crazy. Probably won’t make sense.”
“Then we’ll work on it until it does. We have to start somewhere, so tell me what’s on your mind.”
He pulls his hand away and makes little sounds in his throat while he stares at the floor. Finally, he raises his head, and his eyes are full of tears.
“There’s so much I haven’t told you.”
“I figured, but—”
“Please say you won’t…” He chews his thumbnail for a moment. “You’re so special, Ozzy. I’m sorry I didn’t say all this sooner.”
“All what?”
“I don’t know where to start,” he says.
I put a hand on his knee and wait. If I keep talking, I’ll only confuse him more.
“Can I have some water?” he asks.
Fuck. Just tell me.
Instead of that, I say, “No worries. Hold on.”
I come back with two bottles of water and hand him one. His eyes are flitting around the room, and he looks like he’s ready to jump up and run.
Sitting still is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I can’t comfort him yet. Not until he tells me what’s bothering him so much.
“I can’t… Or I don’t…” He sighs. “I’ve got problems. And I didn’t want to tell you because…”
Another pause, and I want to scream.
He gulps half his water, and when he goes on, his voice is almost a whisper. “Sometimes people don’t like me when they know.”
“Know what?”
“Many times… Well, you must have noticed I’m different.”
“I like you because you are you, different or not.”
“God! I don’t know if you…” His eyes remind me of a trapped animal’s.
“Take your time, baby.”
He nods slowly, and some of the tension leaves his face.
“My brain… it doesn’t work like yours. Or most people’s.”
“That’s okay. I like it, however it works.”
“I’m smart, what they call profoundly gifted, and I have ADHD. There’s a term for that, twice-exceptional.” He lets out a shaky laugh. “Sounds fake as hell, right? But it’s me.”
I give him what I hope is an encouraging smile. “It doesn’t sound fake. You’re amazing, Kai.”
He spends a moment wiping the condensation from his water bottle and rubbing it onto his jeans, back and forth, until there’s a dark patch on the denim.
“I’ve spent my whole life trying to fit in,” he says. “Worked hard, acted cheerful around my teammates. Tried to keep my life in order so I don’t miss things. It mostly works, but lots of people still think I’m weird. Do you think I’m weird?”
Is this what he’s been so afraid of?
“No,” I say. “I think you’re brilliant, and I don’t have words for how much I like you.”
He studies my face for so long my skin gets itchy. Eventually, he says, “I’m scared, you know that.”
“Scared of me?”
“No. But yes too. I l-like you more than anyone. But… There was this guy.”
J?vlar. “Tell me.” I doubt I want to hear it, but I have to. If I need to go hurt someone, I will.
He takes a sip of water, then swipes at the tears already running down his cheeks.
“We dated in college. I thought he liked me. He said he loved me, but he didn’t.
He hated… this.” Kai taps his temple. “The way I’d get stuck on things, how I needed to work hard and keep everything organized so I could cope.
I found out he was cheating on me, and when I confronted him, he really let me have it.
Said I was a freak. Broken. Hopeless. Too much.
He basically told me to fuck off, so I did. ”
Kai starts picking at the label on his bottle.
Tiny bits of paper stick to his finger, and when some fall, he leans over and makes sure he finds each sliver.
After he puts them on the table, he says, “It destroyed me for a while. I promised myself it would never happen again, so I haven’t dated anyone since.
Until you. I can’t resist you, Ozzy, but I’ve been pushing you away because I’m scared. ”
I don’t know what to say, so I nod.
He takes another deep breath. “I know I’ve hurt you, but I don’t know how to fix it. Please don’t give up on me because I don’t want to lose you.”
My chest aches so much it’s hard to breathe. I have to force my voice to work. “There’s nothing wrong with you, baby.”
KAI
My breathing slows as Ozzy’s thumb moves in slow circles on the back of my hand. All he has to do is touch me for my body to respond. I need to say something to make sure he heard me. “But I told you. My brain works—”
“And I told you that I like how your brain works. How you notice things nobody else does and remember little details about people and things. That is not weird, Kai. It is caring.”
Is he telling the truth? He isn’t looking at me like I’m a problem to figure out.
“You handle everything so well,” he says. “Your lists and schedules, coping mechanisms like your LEGO. It’s not too much. It’s you being you.”
“But my ex said—”
“Your ex was a fucking idiot. You’re strong. Look how you have a reset room instead of pretending you don’t need one. And you made it to the top of professional hockey. That is nothing less than amazing. It shows how determined you are.”
There’s no judgment in Ozzy’s eyes. No hesitation in his voice.
“Aren’t you surprised?” I ask.
He squeezes my hand. “No, because I’ve known for a while.”
The back of my neck tingles. “How?”
“In September, after you disappeared on me, I looked you up on the web. I told you that, remember?”
“How could I forget?”
“One of the things I read was the Wikipedia article about you. It says you’ve talked about being neurodivergent.”
“The fuck?” My voice is sharper than I mean it to be. “Why didn’t you tell me you knew?”
“Because I was afraid you’d think I was attacking you somehow.”
“Why would I have thought that?”
He raises his eyebrows as if the question surprises him. “You’re sensitive about things, and before you read into that, it’s something else I like about you. A lot of guys try to act like they have no emotions. You don’t.”
“Okay.”
“It was yours to tell me, Kai. It only has to do with us as much as you want it to.”
I want to argue, but what about? He’s right. Especially considering everything from my past, I probably wouldn’t have taken it well if he’d told me. Still, there’s a question burning in my mind. “What did you think when you found out about me?”
“Gunnar was neurodivergent. He was one of the best people I’ve ever known, so when I learned that about you, I understood a few things better. That’s all.”
His words hang in the air between us. He’s known since September, but no one could have treated me better than he has. We’ve had some great times, but he was also good to me every time I panicked. Even when I pulled away. He hasn’t left, and now he’s sitting here worried I’ll be mad at him.
“You know what was hard?” he asks.
“What?”
“Since last August, I’ve never doubted that you care about me. Not when you disappeared in September or when you canceled our plans so you could hang out with your friends. Even lately, as strange as things have been between us, I’ve known you cared.”
My stomach clenches so hard I can barely whisper, “Ozzy…”
He shakes his head. “Even though I knew that, I kept feeling you leave. You didn’t go physically, but there was glass between us. I could see you, but I couldn’t reach you.”
I let out a long sigh. “I know. I kept telling myself I wasn’t doing that, but I was.” Forcing myself not to look away, I go on. “I hurt you, and I’m so sorry about that.”
For a moment, neither of us says anything. Then Ozzy squeezes my hand. “Thank you.”
I blink. “For what?”
“For finally letting me in.”
The words sink in, heavy and warm. I’ve built barricades around my heart for years. Tonight, they’ve fallen apart. I came here knowing what I felt, and now I’m even more certain of it.
“Ozzy…” My voice is trembling. “I said I don’t want to lose you, but it’s more than that. I love you. I’m so much in love with you.”
The words are out. I wouldn’t take them back if I could. Yet the room remains silent except for the sound of the dripping tap in the kitchen. I watch his face, certain I’ve gotten it all wrong, that I’ve been too much for him at last.
Tears fill his eyes, then roll down his cheeks. “Jag ?lskar dig, hj?rtat. I love you too.”
The certainty in his words loosens the knot in my chest.
“I have for a while,” he says. “Even when things got difficult.”
I lean in until our foreheads touch. “I’m so sorry. For everything.”
“Shh. You said that already.” He lifts his free hand to cup my cheek. “We have now. That’s what matters. We’ll work the rest out.”
I press my lips to his, and when he kisses me back, the tension in my stomach releases.
When we break for air, I lean into him and say it again. “I love you, Ozzy.”
“Good,” he whispers, then kisses my forehead.
My knee starts bouncing because of another question skating around in my head. “I don’t want to sound like a high school kid, but does this mean we officially get to be boyfriends now?”
“Oh, baby. To me, we’ve been boyfriends since last summer. Glad you finally caught up.”
I laugh out of pure relief, and when his eyes crinkle at the corners, I can’t resist kissing him again. It’s different this time, softer and deeper. His lips settle something deep inside me.
When we pull apart, he whispers, “We will be okay. No more glass between us.”