31. Millie
Millie
They sat in silence, eating lasagna, a gift from Joyce.
The mood had sobered as the time her family was supposed to be calling loomed closer. Learning about the past had been hard. It had nearly broken her. But now, she had to do something about it.
She hated confrontation, and although she’d been able to do it over the last couple of days with Strike, confronting her family was another matter.
Millie checked her phone. She’d asked her mum to call her after nine, when her parents had returned to the ship after their day trip. Dexter hadn’t replied to her message at all.
Her confidence ebbed with every tick of the clock.
With a few touches, the house, with its hard floors and wooden furnishings, could be a forever home rather than her jail. But now, she’d never felt further away from the safety of her apartment, with more books than space on the bookshelves and fairy lights everywhere.
“I’ll give you a tour after you’ve spoken to your family if you want,” Strike said, staring at the ring on her finger.
Millie’s gullet shrunk as if hands were tightening around it.
“Thank you.” She moved her food around her plate. “What will I do if they lie?”
“I don’t know. What would you say if this were a counselling session?”
Millie shrugged. “I’m the worst counsellor. I’ve let my family dictate my behaviour all these years, and now that I have the chance to speak to them about it, I’m terrified.”
“You could try and distract yourself until the call. You can’t do anything about it until it happens.”
“Is that what you’d do?”
“Me? I would plan for everything they say and prepare for every possible eventuality. I would risk assess the shit out of that call.”
Millie chuckled.
“Come and look at the view before it gets dark. Maybe it will take your mind off it,” he said as she stared at his outstretched hand.
She took it gingerly, still struggling with the barriers between them.
Teasing him had been fun earlier, but there were boundaries then because they were around others.
The garden was a simple patch of grass. “Where’s the beach?”
“Just down the steps at the end of the garden, through that gate.” His stare flicked towards her. His pause seemed to last forever. He bit his lip, took a slow breath and said tentatively, “Do you think when this is all over, you’d like to get a drink? As friends.”
He was still her only one, and she couldn’t imagine ever wanting someone else. But they couldn’t go back to who they were, and she wasn’t sure she could show him who she was now.
“That might be nice,” she said, noncommittally.
Even the expanse of sea under the setting sun, waves quietly rolling, couldn’t give her peace.
“I’m going to rest and wait for mum’s call.”
She sat on the bed, struggling to read. Strike’s mumbles crept under her door from where he was speaking on the phone. The bodyguard book she’d borrowed from Liss lay on the floor, finished.
In all her fantasies and the app, she was a woman with the mind of a needy brat, but she was really living the life of a nun, filled with anxiety at the thought she would never experience all the things books promised.
But real men had never delivered.
Even with the distraction from the bodyguard romance, she was aware that the time her mum was supposed to call had gone and Dexter still hadn’t replied.
The little ring Strike had given her drew her attention, forcing her to run her finger across the engraving, but no amount of reading could change the words on the inside of band.
As she held the ring tight enough to hurt her palm, she grabbed her mobile again.
After a couple of swipes, it connected.
“Millie!” Liss squealed. “It’s late. How are you? What’s the house like? Weirdly, you’re an hour from mine and Bear’s place.”
“Hey.” Millie settled back on the bed. “It feels like a world away. The house is nice, but my head is all over the place.”
“You’re dealing with a lot. You were shot at, you’ve had your life turned upside down, and you’re stuck in a house with your ex-boyfriend.”
“I guess,” she said sadly. “It must be hard for him, too. I’ve learned why he left me ten years ago.
It wasn’t really his fault. He didn’t need to run, but I believe him when he says he felt he had to.
My family is avoiding me, and I’m too scared to call them.
I don’t even understand myself anymore. Does that sound stupid? ”
“Nah, besides, you’ve met me. I say stupid shit all the time. According to the lads, it’s one of my adorable characteristics.”
Millie rested against the headboard and sighed. “Aside from my friend Rylee, I’ve never had someone I can talk to like this. Most people in my life either see me as a counsellor or someone to protect.”
“I wasn’t always like this. I was going through things when I met Bear and Strike. I was convinced I had to make this decision that would ruin my life but would make everyone else happy.”
Millie fiddled with the hem of her top. “What stopped you in the end?”
“It took a lot of voices saying the same thing for me to listen to what I wanted. And then Bear did something that sealed my decision,” Liss rambled.
“Ultimately, I had to trust myself. No one could do that for me. Choosing Bear could have been the worst decision, but in my heart, I had to get all the information first. I had to listen. How can you trust your instincts and move forward if you don’t have all the available information? ”
“Strike said something similar.”
“These men care so damn much. They don’t always know how to show it, especially as they’re fighting demons from their pasts.” A dog barked in the background. “Strike is difficult, but he really cares about you.”
Millie turned the ring over in her hand. “I can’t get out of my head, and I’m scared I’ll load the sexting app.”
“What’s stopping you?”
“It would feel like cheating on Strike, which is ridiculous because we’re not together.
I don’t know if we should be friends or if we could be more.
I should ask him, but…” Millie hoped Liss would fill in the sentence for her, but her listening skills were too good.
Eventually, she relented and added, “But I don’t know what I want, and if I start that conversation, I need to know my own mind. ”
“You don’t have to decide anything right now. Just get through this situation.”
“Okay.”
“And no matter what your family says, remember how ballsy you are. You ran from a guy attempting to attack you, sneaked into your old place, and stood up to a politician’s son.
You also give Strike shit in a way lots of others are too scared to.
You’re a fighter, so fight, whether that’s the past, your fears, or even your family. ”
Courage bloomed in Millie’s chest. She slid the ring back on and stood. “Okay.”
“Try harder, Mills. What are you going to do?”
“Fight.” Millie fixed her jaw.
“Never back down. Never give up.”
“Hell yeah. I’m calling my mum and then Dexter.”
“Good luck.”
“Thank you for the pep talk, Liss.” Millie jumped up and down, readying herself for a fight.
“Always, lovely. Call me if you need me.”