32. Strike
Strike
Achill settled around Strike as he stared out into where the sea was blanketed by darkness.
He fiddled with the box that Millie’s ring had come in before stowing it in his pocket.
It was impossible to fix things for her, but that was where he excelled. As he walked the perimeter of the house, it was as if his skin was too tight for his body.
He wanted to scream or punch something, but instead, he made plans, including working out his tension in the house gym.
His phone vibrated, and he checked the messages.
Randolph: You didn’t send me any contacts. I still need to track Millie Haven. I’ll pay you well for finding her.
Strike paced. What he’d give to have a dog with him right now, something to soothe his moods and be by his side.
Strike: I’m supposed to be on annual leave.
Randolph: In Wales. Except you’re not in Wales, are you?
Strike closed his phone. Again, the need to destroy things and regain power over his surroundings ripped at him.
His phone buzzed.
Randolph: I’m trying to do the right thing by my family. If I find out Hugo has committed a crime, I will report him myself. Help me, Strike.
Normally, he’d lean into his instincts, but everything was fried after the last twenty-four hours. He couldn’t protect anyone if he couldn’t trust himself.
He sent a quick message to Bear, requesting his opinion.
As he reached the front of the house, Joyce called his name. “Have you settled in?”
Strike surveyed the scene as he stepped closer. “Yes, thank you. We loved the lasagna you gave us.”
Joyce smiled. “It’s nice having young’uns around, even ones as stressed as you both.
” Strike raised his eyebrows. “I see more than people presume. It’s no coincidence your car has blacked-out windows and your wife hasn’t got a wedding band.
And I recognise a perimeter check. If anything’s out of place, I’ll let you know. ”
Strike rubbed his forehead, the friction making his skin burn with unresolved emotions, but he couldn’t stop.
“Enjoy your honeymoon. You’re both safe here, and Merryn has told the town we have a honeymoon couple we need to take care of,” Joyce said.
“Thanks.” Strike returned to the house. He paused by Millie’s door.
He’d potentially destroyed her relationship with her family as well as her security in the past. And for what? She’d wanted to know the truth, but there would be a fallout because of him.
Strike strode to the home gym, grabbing his kit from his room, but all it took was one look at the well-equipped workout room to convince him that testing his body until it screamed under a ball of pain and sweat wouldn’t fix him.
He typed a brief message on his phone.
Strike: I told her. Can we chat?
He waited for three dots, but instead, his phone rang.
“Hi, Pam,” he said when he picked up. “I told her everything.”
His therapist replied in the clipped way he appreciated. “Everything? Including how your past impacts you?”
“No, not that. I can’t show her that side. I told her everything about why I left.”
“How did she react?”
Strike glanced around, checking for sounds, but there was nothing except the hum of the lights. He briefly shared the conversation and Millie’s responses as Pam checked her understanding with additional questions.
“So now what?” Strike asked as he fiddled with the wristband he’d worn since Millie had returned to his life. It matched the one he’d gifted her ten years earlier.
“Now you wait.”
“But I don’t want to. That’s not an effective solution.”
His therapist took a breath. “This isn’t something you can dominate with a solution-focused mindset. Millie needs time to come to terms with what happened. How would you feel in the same situation?”
“I don’t do empathy,” he grunted.
“If you didn’t ‘do empathy,’ you wouldn’t have sleepless nights because of what you’ve seen and done. You wouldn’t worry about the families of the dead. You have empathy, but you try to ignore it or dominate it until it becomes something you can’t control so that you end up anxious and closed off.”
He set his jaw. “So I do nothing?”
“What would you want Millie to do if you had to work through revelations about your family and past?”
“Cook for me, be available if I need to chat, and not force her presence on me. Is that what she wants?” He kicked one of the weight benches aimlessly.
“I don’t know what she wants, but those are helpful things. Besides wanting to fix things, how are you feeling after sharing everything?”
“Free but scared.”
“Scared?”
He yawned, his soul weary. “I asked if she wanted to meet up after all this is over. I don’t know why when I can’t give her the sort of future she needs. She’s too perfect for me, but for a second, I entertained the idea I could be the kind of guy she’d want a relationship with.”
“That’s positive.”
“Only a therapist would say that.”
“You’ve been adamant during the years we’ve spoken you’d never be in a relationship. That you’ve let a morsel of hope enter your consciousness is growth.”
“But I’m not good enough for her. I wasn’t before, but now, I’ve killed people.
I had to at the time, but the images of their families won’t leave me.
I’m too messed up. And then there’s sex.
Someone as perfect as her couldn’t cope with the needs that I fantasise about.
She deserves to be cuddled, worshipped, not…
” He couldn’t swallow the thickness in his throat. “Not controlled.”
“One step at a time. Remember that there’s more than one side to you.
And those are fantasies. They might not be things you want to do once you’re with her, and if they are, maybe she’s interested in them as well, or maybe they’re desires you don’t need to act on.
Protect her like a bodyguard and stop deciding her opinions for her. ”
“I need to prepare to say goodbye. I want to return to my old life where I can plan and be in charge. Having another person in my life makes everything too… unpredictable.” He stared at the hallway and imagined a life he’d never have—a life with a family, dog, and beautiful wife by his side.
“I want to leave you with one thought. How would you feel seeing Millie married to someone who she didn’t love because she couldn’t be with you?
I’m not saying this would happen or guessing at how she feels about you.
All I’m asking you to consider is that you think she can’t be happy with you, but what if she can’t be happy without you? ”
Strike choked on his surprise. He’d hurt her so much in the past, he couldn’t bear being the reason for her pain in the future, too. “I’ve got to go. Thank you for listening.”
“We’ll talk again soon. Try and sleep.”
He gave a non-committal answer as he ended the call.
It didn’t matter how tired he was, sleep wasn’t for him, especially during the next two weeks. He headed back to the kitchen to sort out pudding for Millie as he typed a reply to Randolph.
Strike: I’ll call you tomorrow.