Chapter 19
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
W ednesday morning and I’m heading to Galactic Basement, coffee in hand, and shoulder to shoulder with Arran. Today’s his signing at Pun’s shop, and Hank and Anna let me take the day to see their latest hire through his first official New York signing.
I met him just outside his hotel (no “accidental” reveals this time), and after a short subway ride up the island, we come out a few blocks away from the shop, grabbing a coffee to walk in. The sun is shining and it’s another surprisingly warm October day, and as we’re making good time, we stroll slowly to enjoy the weather. Arran tells me all about what he’s been up to, continuing a little tourist time around New York.
“Anyway, what about you? What have you been up to?” He shifts gears to me with a friendly grin from behind his coffee cup.
It doesn’t feel right to tell him everything, about the dates and random meet cute moments, even if it was partly inspired by his advice about not facing this industry alone and work/life balance and all.
“Oh, just this and that. I’ve kinda been run ragged, you know, preparing for the convention and the book announcement.”
“And exhibiting with Callum, yeah?” He says taking another sip from his coffee cup, glancing at me sideways.
“Actually, me and Cal kinda had a fight…I’ve not spoken to him in a couple days…”
“Oh?” He looks to me with a concerned expression. “What did you fight about?”
I contemplate coming up with some lie to brush his concern away, but that doesn’t feel right. Even in such a short amount of time, Arran feels like a confidant and someone I can be more honest with.
“Actually, I told him about an…opportunity that presented itself. He kinda threw it in my face, saying I’m taking advantage of privilege and that I don’t deserve it, and it…it really stung, you know?”
“Granted, I don’t know Callum hugely well or anything, just what you told me and how you light up when you talk about him, but that doesn’t sound like him,” I ‘light up’ when I talk about him? Arran touches my wrist with his free hand, and nods towards a bench by a tree lining the sidewalk. “What’s this opportunity, then?”
We sit and I take a deep breath and relay what I’d told Cal, minus the detail about it being Hank, my boss. I instead just say it’s someone high up and influential in the industry. Even this small white lie causes my stomach to twist in knots, feeling like I’m being unfair to Arran, but I don’t want to make him feel stressed about working on a book with Hank attached.
“I see,” he says after I finish. “Okay, first up and most important question, and no judgement from me: do you want to sleep with this guy?”
I feel the heat rise to my cheeks, avoiding answering immediately by taking a long draught from my own coffee. I swallow and say, “I don’t know.”
“That’s fair. Look, far be it from me to judge a guy for hooking up with anyone that takes their fancy, but if you don’t know, that in itself is an answer.”
He stretches his legs out thoughtfully, like he’s measuring how to say what he’s going to say next. “Secondly, would you like my opinion?”
I nod enthusiastically.
“Well, I don’t think you should do it. You know I struggled to get where I am, and had I been offered this kind of deal, I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t be tempted. But I’d always feel like something of a fraud, no matter how good my work was, if that’s how I got my way in, you know?
“And after what you told me about not wanting to take advantage of the privilege your parents affords you, how that would have made you feel, I honestly think you would feel the same way.”
I can’t bring myself to look at Arran, because I know he’s right and the shame and embarrassment I feel for even contemplating taking Hank up on his offer burns in my gut. But another pain wells up from the back of my mind that I have to voice.
“But what if…what if this is my only chance?”
Arran blows out air explosively, and laughs. “Don’t be daft, butt. I’ve read your stuff, you’re a bloody good writer, and there’ll be other opportunities. There always are in this game, even if it doesn’t feel that way most of the time. Heck, in life even.
“And I think that’s what Callum was really getting at. I think perhaps he’s a little too close to you and knows what you can do so much, that he got insulted on your own behalf. That he was kind of voicing the things I think really, deep down, you already know. But in the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to say the wrong thing.”
I sit back against the bench and let out a long sigh. “I know that’s the truth. I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing, or not doing anything at all because I’m so scared of doing the wrong thing.”
“I’ve been there, mate,” Arran smiles empathetically. “Look, I won’t lie and say I never had thoughts like that, like I had one opportunity, and if I let it pass me by, I’d fail. Or when failure struck that it meant it was all over. I’ve been there, I went through it. Now look at me.”
He places his hand on my shoulder, in a manner that it hits me doesn’t seem that different to Hank yesterday, but feels utterly different. “You’ll get there, mate, and people like Callum, they’re too important to let go of, not just in this industry, but in this life. It’s easy to surround yourself with people who love you in a way that means they’ll always repeat the positives and the niceties and look at you without your faults. But the real ones, the ones who you should hold on to with every last ounce of strength, are the ones who will stand by you, faults and all, and call you on your bullshit when you need them to.”
He squeezes briefly, before clapping his hand on his thigh. Standing, he puts his hand out to me and helps me up off the bench.
“Come on, show me to this comic shop and get me started, then you should head off and see Callum, I reckon. Comic con’s tomorrow, and you got a lot to sort out.”