Chapter 34
CHAPTER
THIRTY-FOUR
“ S o.” Cal says after about a minute of silently looking at each other.
“So…” I echo, feeling like an idiot for doing it.
I know I promised to tell him everything, and I owe him that for sure. But I can’t help still being afraid that when I tell him what I did, and why he’s part of it, that he’ll leave. And never come back.
The silence in the room feels like a weight. I watch as a patch of the white wall of the room gets lighter as the sun continues to rise above the city skyline outside. Anything to try and keep me here, in the moment, no matter how much I’m delaying it.
“Okay, how about this,” Cal breaks the silence, and draws my eyes back to him. “How about I tell you what makes sense to me, and where I get lost? And perhaps you can fill those details in?”
I simply nod my head, and swallow hard.
“Okay, so I guess I can understand why you panicked when you thought it was possible you’d contracted HIV. I can even understand why, despite knowing all you know, you got it into your head that your life as you knew it was over.
“But what I don’t understand is why you didn’t just talk to me about it? If you brought me there, you know I’d have been there for you, no matter what you found out. I’m always there, you know that.”
Tilting my head to the side, I find myself breaking the eye-to-eye contact. I free up my hand from his and start rubbing the back of my neck. I guess this isn’t the question I thought he’d have.
“I just…I know it’s stupid, and I feel like such a hypocrite and such garbage, but I was so scared of you…judging me. Like I was judging myself. Like I said, it was a random hookup. I don’t even remember the guy’s name. And I felt so stupid, because we hadn’t discussed anything and that’s so not me, and not to like, slut shame or anything, you know how sex positive I am, but for some reason I judged myself so bad for this one little slip up. I was scared you would too.”
Cal looks pained, and I could just die. “Wow. I would never have done that. Do you really think I’d judge you for that?”
“No!” I say, head snapping back to make eye contact again. I need him to know I mean this. “Absolutely not. And the stupidest thing is, on some level I absolutely knew that. But my stupid brain just kept going back to the ‘what if’…and the fantasy of that idea played louder in my head than the truth I knew. Does that make sense?”
Cal gives me a lopsided grin. “Yeah, it kinda does,” I sigh audibly in relief when he says that. “So I guess we’re onto the next part I don’t understand.” My breath catches. This isn’t over.
“If you thought it was possible you had contracted HIV,” he starts asking, and my heart rate immediately quickens. “What was with all the guys, man? Why were you going on so many dates? Like…did you sleep wi?—”
“No, no, I couldn’t,” I cut him off. “I couldn’t do that. I didn’t know what was going on with me, and I would never do that to someone, not knowing what my whole deal is.”
“Well, that’s very responsible, which is good. See, you’re not that broken, you were still being smart, just among a lot of other stuff. But still…what was with all the guys, Jesse? Why did you invite them all to the party?”
‘Them’? Wait, does he not realize…
Oh my god, he doesn’t realize.
“Cal…you keep saying ‘them’.” I mutter, almost afraid that he’ll hear me.
“So?”
“So…you’re one of those guys too.”
Cal leans in. “Jesse, I don’t understand. Help me understand.”
This is it. This is where he realizes I’m a scumbag. This is where I’ll lose him. But he deserves to know what a mess I am.
Deep breath. “Okay. But I totally understand if you hate me after this, and if you want to go, it’s okay. Back when I had managed to make myself believe I must have HIV, I started thinking that that meant time was running out for me. I know, I know, it’s stupid, I know better than that, I know being Positive doesn’t mean your life is over or anything. But knowing it and knowing it can be two different things, I guess.
“And you know how hard it was for Ricky, how guys would call him dirty to his face…well, not to his face all the time I guess, but on all the dating apps, once they found out his status. How he thought he’d die alone…”
“But he didn’t! He found Kevin! We’re going to the wedding,” Callum jumps in.
“I know! Like I said, none of this was exactly…logical. I just, I just lost control and went down this dark path in my head. And so I thought, I had to find the one, the guy who would stand by my side no matter what, I had to find my Kevin, before I got confirmation of everything I feared. Because after that, I felt like it would be all over. I’d be alone, forever.
“But I didn’t know how to choose. Like, there were a bunch of guys I already knew that I had feelings for, but I didn’t know if those feelings were the feelings, you know? I’ve never really been in love before, and no one really tells you what it feels like, they just give you some inane bullshit about ‘when you know, you’ll know’ or something like that.
“And so, I thought I had to try every one, and see if I found the feelings I was supposed to have. And then maybe that guy would understand me and my mess and be there for me, even when…even if…”
The room is quiet after I trail off, the verbal deluge I let out finally over. I feel exhausted, like sharing that whole messed up thought process took actual physical exertion to draw out.
I can barely bring myself to look at Cal.
“And…I was one of those guys? One of your ‘trial runs’?” His voice is tense, though not harsh.
I shoot up, looking him in the eye, mouth dropping. “No! I mean, yes, you were, are, one of the guys, but none of you were ‘trial runs’. I just…I needed to sort through my feelings, and I didn’t even understand them all myself. I didn’t even realize I had those feelings for you, until?—”
“You have those feelings for me?”
I flush with embarrassment, and turn away. “…yeah, yeah, I do. I was confused at first, because I just thought you were a friend, and then I thought it was just me being horny when I saw you at your blacksmithing thing, but then I realized how you had always been there for me, and how I knew, really knew, that no matter what I would be there for you, and I realized that maybe that’s what I was looking for…that perhaps all love is is the one who you always want to go to, who you’ll stand beside through anything, no matter how much they frustrate you at times, or make you feel like an idiot, because they also make you smile, and laugh and they can help you stop your head from taking the wheel and driving you into oncoming traffic?—”
“Hey!” Cal snaps me out of it, and I stop dead. I realize I’ve started crying. For a few seconds, we just stare at each other.
Then Cal stands, and I realize this is it. This is when I finally pushed him away with my crazy, self-absorbed, over-dramatic crap. Who can blame him, I must have made him feel so small, so used. Because I did, didn’t I? I used him, and Will, and Julio, and all the others. How could he ever want to stay?—
Arms envelop me, dragging me to my feet. Slightly rough, calloused hands find my chin and pull me back into the room. I’m staring at the most wonderful blue eyes, tiny flecks of silver-grey in them, framed by the biggest, blackest eyelashes I have ever seen. I watch them close, as his lips softly find mine.
We lock in an embrace, my back going rigid for a second, before my whole body sinks into him, his strong arms holding me in place.
We’re like this for what feels like forever, two people finally becoming one, breathing each other in, and for a moment, all the noise in my head goes quiet. How can anything ever go wrong, when this moment exists.
Finally, we part, and the noise starts turning up. A farewell kiss. He’s leaving, I’m too much. I don’t blame him. I’d leave me too.
But then he strokes the tears from my cheek.
“What you did, the way you thought. It was messed up, Jesse. Really messed up. But you know what? I think I understand it. We’ve both seen how cruel the world can be, and you’re maybe more fragile to it than we thought. Than I thought. I’m sorry I didn’t see it, I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
“No, no, you couldn’t?—”
“I know. But that doesn’t make me less sorry. Because, yeah, it was messed up, a total mess. The whole thing turned into the biggest clusterfuck of a mess than I could have ever imagined. I wasn’t paying attention, I guess. Because I know you, Jesse, I’ve known you for years and years, and that means I know how messy you can be.”
Silence. All I can hear is me breathing way faster than should be comfortable, fresh tears rolling down my face.
“And I simply don’t care about that at all,” Cal says, smiling. “Sure, you’re a mess, Jesse. But you’re my mess.”
And Cal pulls me down to him and kisses me again, deep and slow, tender and relieved. But it doesn’t last because we both, at the same time, lips together, start laughing. We start laughing so hard, at the ridiculousness of this whole thing, of the two friends finally confessing their real feelings for each other in the middle of a hospital room, laughing at things unsaid, unrealized for years finally coming out into the open.
After the laughing starts to die down, Callum fixes me with a look in the eyes, a devilish grin forming on his face.
“So…you like my blacksmithing look, huh?”
I slap him on shoulder. “Shut up and come here,” and I drag him into my hospital bed.
We’re not dumb enough to do anything in the middle of a busy hospital. Kind of. We may have gotten a little…handsy, but only over clothes, I swear. But after about twenty minutes of giggling and making out, we just lay there on the bed, grinning at each other like idiots.
I don’t know how long we have left in here, now I’m awake and up and about, I can’t imagine the paperwork to get me on my way will take long. But in this weirdly comfortable if sterile room, it feels like we have a bubble of peace which has let us work everything out. So I can’t help but burst the bubble by bringing up the one element still nagging at me.
“Okay, okay. The one thing I don’t really understand, if I can try and get that worked out,” I put out, tentatively, rolling onto my back and looking at the ceiling.
“Go on,” Cal leans up on his elbow, hovering over me, feet gently tapping my shins, reminding me that as much as his body is stronger and more muscular (apparently) than mine, I’m still a good bit taller.
“Why did all you guys turn up at the party? Like, I knew you were coming, I invited you when I sent you that email. But why did everyone else turn up?”
Cal thinks for a moment, before biting his lip. “Well, did you invite anyone else? And maybe forget about it?”
I roll my eyes at him, “My brain is screwy, it’s not broken. I’d remember inviting, like, a dozen guys over to my work party. But I only emailed you.”
Cal sits up, fishing his phone out of his pocket and bringing up the email. He scans over it, before handing it to me to look over, smiling. “You know, it’s weirdly non-specific, you don’t actually call me by name in it. And I never understood why you emailed me, anyway. Like, you could have just sent a text…”
I take his phone and look at the email; it looks fine, just as I sent it. “Eh, I was so muddled up in my feelings, I was struggling to put it in words out loud. And I needed to get the QR code to you too, so a text message was no good. I had to use my computer to send it, and figured as I had you there in the list—” Sudden realization burns through my brain, as I jerk upright and lean across Cal to the bedside cabinet and grab my phone. “Oh, no no no no no…”
“What? What ‘list’?”
I thumb through my phone, into my emails, into the Sent folder, I bring up the email I sent to Cal, and that’s when I see. With an almighty groan, I slam back into my pillow, pushing myself as deep into them as I can go, letting them envelope my head. If I could, I would drown in these pillows. I can’t believe this.
I can hear Cal’s muffled giggles through the fluffy white earth I’m trying to get to swallow me whole.
“You BCC’d us all into the email?”
“I BCC’d you all into the email!” I let out in a muffled cry.
Cal’s hands run up my chest, taking fistfuls of my shirt and pulling me back up out of my marshmallow soft exile. My head lolls down towards my chest as I reach my apex, eyes shut. I bite my lip and look up at Cal with one eye open. He’s grinning like an idiot, patiently waiting for me to explain.
“Okay,” I sigh, “So, to keep everything straight, I may have created a list in my contacts, so I could keep track of who I was seeing and when.”
“And why was I on it, it’s not like we haven’t been friends for years. You have my phone number and, like, every social media account I’ve ever been on,” Cal can barely mask his mirth.
“Oh, come on,” I fix him with an exasperated glare. “You have had the same email address since you were twelve years old, before I even knew you, and it was part of some kind of joke that I have never understood and for the life of me I can never remember it. So I have to keep it in my address book to remind me what it even is, and so?—”
“And so when you were sending the email you added the me on the list you created and not the me that is just me. And told every one of the guys you were trying to figure out your feelings for that you wanted to see them badly, to come to your special Excelsior Comics party because you had something to tell them.”
I drop my phone and replace it with my head in my hands. I figure my groans of abject embarrassment is answer enough for Cal to work out.
“Well, I guess now you have your answer!” He laughs out loud, and practically falls off the bed.
I grab his shirt before he can hit the floor, last thing we need is another hospital stay. Pulling him up, he laughs and just leans back, making me work for it. “Oh, come here, will you!”
“You sure you don’t want anyone else to come here too? We could send them an email,” he teases me, as I pull him within an inch of my face. My angry face twitches, breaking into the truth of my total amusement.
Suddenly, the door opens and Carlos stands in the doorway, holding a clipboard and raising an eyebrow as he looks at the two young men tangled up on the bed.
“Uh, I know some people have a thing for hospitals, but you really can’t do that here,” he smirks, walking into the room.
Hurriedly, we compose ourselves and stand up. Carlos hands me some papers.
“You’re all signed out, kid. Doctor’s recs are in the letter. She made some recommendations for other avenues to look into for therapy, too,” he turns and heads back towards the door. “But hey, take a day or two, enjoy…whatever this is, you can work everything else out after.” He looks over his shoulder and gives us both a wink, then closes the door.
“Well,” I say, standing up, “I guess I better face the music. I’m going to have to talk to all the boys and let them know how sorry I am. God, I am not looking forward to that, everyone is going too hate me.” My shoulders slump, and yet are somehow tense all at once.
“Come on,” Cal sidles up behind me, rubbing my shoulders, looking up into my eyes as I look back at him. “It’ll be fine. I’m sure they’ll understand. And if they don’t, does it matter?”
I smile as I turn, and kiss him on his forehead. “No, no I guess it really doesn’t now.
“Not now I have you with me.”
Cal smiles, pushes onto his toes and kisses me. “Always, my messy bae.”
I grimace. “Okay, we are going to work on pet names together, because we are not settling on that.”