Chapter 35
CHAPTER
THIRTY-FIVE
I t’s only about halfway through walking the blocks back home that I realize it’s Sunday, and the last day of New York Comic Con. More importantly, as we exit the subway, that Cal is here, holding hands with me and smiling gently and not, you know, manning his table in Artists Alley.
When I jerk my hand away and cover my mouth as I gasp, declaring how sorry I am that I ruined his con and what’s happened to all his stuff, he simply laughs.
“God, you really are a catastrophizer, huh? Manny is covering the table. He’s staying with me, remember? I gave him a spare key. He totally understood when I told him I wouldn’t make it today.” Cal holds his hand out to me again, and I take it, though still have my face in the palm of my free hand as we continue to walk back to my place.
“Ugh, I really did make a mess of everything,” I moan.
“Don’t be silly,” Cal nudges me. “It’s just comics. There’ll be other comic cons. Hell, I got an independent show in two weeks time over in Brooklyn. Missing one day isn’t going to do anything. You’re more important than that.”
I look over and smile at him, squeezing his hand again and eventually nod in agreement.
When we get back to mine, Cal leans against the wall outside my apartment door as I fiddle with the key in the lock. I feel his eyes looking at me, taking me in as if for the first time or in a whole new light, and I feel my cheeks flush.
“What?”
“Nothing,” he sighs out, barely above a whisper. “Just so nice to finally be honest about how we feel, is all.”
I stop and lean against the door, and look at him.
“You really had these feelings for me too all this time?”
“Since that first day in college, yeah,” he smiles. “You had this way about you, you seemed larger than life and full of energy, like it had been bursting to get out. But you also seemed, I dunno, fragile? Like a butterfly, you daren’t touch it in case you hurt it.”
“Now who’s catastrophizing?” I joke.
And then the world turns sideways as the door opens and I find myself on my back over the threshold of my apartment door, looking at the familiar pair of chunky boots of my roommate.
“Bloody hell, lad! You only just got out of A successful, partnered, happy, before I’d lose out on it forever. Because in the back of my head, I’d somehow convinced myself that time was limited for that, and if I did just one, the others would fall apart.
“I think…I think I’ve been worried about losing out on something in my life for a very long time. Maybe because we moved around a lot when I was growing up. Maybe because my folks were so busy, still are, and sometimes I think I felt like…”
My eyes sting, and Cal rubs my shoulders again. “Hey, hey now…”
“No, it’s okay. I think…I think I’m seeing something I’d never quite allowed myself to see before. I think…no, I remember, that the most common phrase in the Abelman household was always ‘look at the time’, or ‘I don’t have time right now’. Don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me, and everything they did was for me, but I think…I think sometimes I just wanted them there , and I envied other kids whose parents were always there. If we stayed long enough somewhere for me to see other kids with their parents.
“I always felt like maybe I’d lost something, and so I didn’t want to lose it again when I grew up. So I created these, I dunno, fixed timescales in my head. But then that had another problem? What if I made a wrong choice? Will I have wasted time, and lose my chance? In my career, in my love life, in my friendships…”
I look around the room at everyone, each one of my friends waiting patiently on me to finish, eyes filled with care and concern.
“I’ve been often absent myself, then. Running around, never having time for anyone else, not because I enjoyed being by myself so much, but because I was afraid that if I didn’t keep moving, if I didn’t try everything, if I didn’t work at it all, all the time, I’d fail. And I’d wind up alone.”
The room bursts into motion as Amanda launches herself from the couch and wraps her arms around me as best as she can, tangling Cal’s leg in her arms too. She tells me what an idiot I’ve been, but also how brave I am now and how she’ll be there to help work all this out. Arran is also on his feet, cheeks red like he’s just been wiping at them furiously, and he just smiles at me.
I smile, and let out a sigh, “Except, well, I guess I went and failed anyway, because of all the running around. I lost the internship, and who knows?—”
Suddenly, my pocket starts ringing. The timing of it throws me for a loop, so I immediately launch my hand into my pocket, almost sending Cal sprawling off the back of the armchair before he grabs my shoulder to stabilize himself.
I pull out my phone and see it’s Anna. I shoot up onto my feet, answering the phone, and this time Cal does crash over the back of the armchair.
“Anna, hi!” I say, as I mouth ‘sorry’ to my new boyfriend I just made hit the deck.
“Jesse. First things first, are you okay?” Anna says, and she sounds like she’s walking but there’s none of the telltale hustle and bustle of Comic Con coming over the phone.
“Uh, yeah, Anna. I’m good. The doctor’s gave me a clean bill of health and all that. Look, I wanted to apologize?—”
“Mmhm, yeah, I bet, but save it. Come into the office on Tuesday. We can hash it out then.”
I look around at everyone as if they just heard Anna tell me to come to the office, eyes looking for them to explain why when I’m fired, but they’re all just looking at me like they’re standing on eggshells.
“The office? But, Hank said?—”
“Never mind what Hank said, Hank won’t be an issue. I’ve been at the office all day, working it all out. Again, we can talk about it Tuesday. Your pass will still work, I made sure of that.”
“So you want me to come into the office Tuesday? To discuss...” I mainly repeat it back for the benefit of Amanda, Arran and Cal.
“Why Tuesday? Why not tomorrow?” Arran whispers.
“National holiday. It’s Columbus Day here,” Cal fills him in.
“Or National Indigenous People’s Day, if you don’t want to celebrate colonizers.” Amanda adds, folding her arms.
“Oh, so like a Bank Holiday…” I nod to Arran, as I hear a confused Anna down the phone.
“Jesse? What’s going on?”
“Put it on speaker,” Arran says in a stage whisper. I shake my head, and he responds by nodding his furiously. I pop the phone on speaker.
“Uh, Anna, I’m putting you on speaker. Someone wants to speak to you…”
“Hello, Anna. It’s Arran. Arran Wilson.” Arran stands up straight, like he’s speaking to someone important. Which he is, but she can’t see that.
“Oh, hi, Arran. I wasn’t expecting you to be with Jesse. I hope the…fracas at the party last night didn’t…I’m sorry you saw that.” Anna says, hesitantly, sounding slightly tinny over the phones loud speaker.
“Oh, please. You should see Swansea on a Saturday night, that was nothing,” he waves it off, like that was something any of us just understood. “Look, I would like to join Jesse at this meeting on Tuesday, if you’re amenable to it. I think he could use the moral support, and I would like to support the young man who has done such a good job on this project so far.”
A moments silence on the other side of the line. “A little unusual, Arran, but I can’t see a problem with that. I’ll have a Guest Pass set up at the foyer ready for you. I figured you’d be leaving tomorrow though?”
“No, Tuesday night actually. A pretty late flight, so I should have plenty of time to swing by. Thank you.”
“I want to come to,” Cal suddenly blurts out.
A deep sigh breathes across the line. “Who is that, Jesse?”
“Uh, sorry, Anna. It’s, um, Callum. Callum Haverbrook. My…my boyfriend.” I say the last part with a smile, shooting him a look and seeing Cal smiling back at me.
“The co-writer on Flowers for the Dead , right?” Anna asks.
“You’ve read that?” Cal’s eyes bulge in his head, as he looks at me, “She’s read that?”
I nod, as Anna says over the phone, “Yes, she has. And very good work it is too. Look, I’m running back to the Javits to do the last bit of work before the end of the show for another year, so I can’t be taking down a who’s who list of every person wanting a snap decision visit to Excelsior Comics. But yes, Mr. Haverbrook, you can come too. On this one occasion.
“I have to go. I will see you, a ll of you , on Tuesday,” and with that, the phone beeps and the line goes dead.
I stand there, still holding the phone out, in silence as we all continue to stare at it.
“Well,” I finally say, “I guess I got all tomorrow to do my apology tour, huh?”