Chapter 36
CHAPTER
THIRTY-SIX
I t surprisingly doesn’t take me too long to get round everyone and apologize. Even though I am absolutely terrified, I work my way through the list of men I led on and hadn’t told the whole truth, explaining everything. And I mean everything.
Amazingly, almost everyone takes it really well. I made an effort to see everyone face to face, with Cal at my side for moral support, and I guess being able to see how sorry I was and how messed up my head had been helped them to empathize. Not that I expected forgiveness, because a lot of what I did, whether I was thinking straight or not, was pretty shitty. And also, going into an apology expecting forgiveness feels like you’re not really apologizing, if you ask me. It’s doing it anyway knowing that you might have burned that bridge forever that makes an apology mean something.
Shahid just asked if he could still take me out to try more Indian food sometime, and said Cal was more than welcome to come too. He even mentioned he might have a date of his own to bring, though I have no idea who. Will also took it in stride, just saying it was a shame we never got any further but if me and Cal are ever looking for a third…Cal’s face flushed so much at that I almost died laughing.
Seth, Perry and Tom listened patiently while I explained, and when I finished gave me a massive hug, all of them, even Tom. They made me promise not to keep things bottled up like that again and reminded me I could talk to them any time, because each of them thought of me as a friend now. Hell, they even invited me and Cal round to their place for dinner next week.
Whether expected or not, almost everyone accepts my apology and is really understanding.
Almost everyone.
Luther was too busy to meet face-to-face, but I managed to get him to agree to a call. I explained everything to him, and then was met with silence, only the sounds of a New York street down the line giving it away that the call hadn’t dropped.
“…are you being serious right now?” Luther said when he finally broke the silence.
“I’m sorry?” Cal raises an eyebrow at my own confusion.
“No, no, don’t apologize, because I damn well don’t accept it. Do you have any idea what that could have done to me?”
I was so taken aback to hear him say that. “What it…? Do you mean if I was Positive and?—”
“No! I mean, yes, but I’m not some asshole who thinks it’s dirty or something. But sadly, like it or not, that is what a lot of the public think. And if you’d entrapped me into a relationship and it came out that you were Positive - if it played out that way, do you have any idea of how that would affect my standing in my campaign?”
I know I fucked up, I know I did a lot of wrong here, but when he said that I felt a cold rage building in the pit of my stomach. “‘Entrapped’ you? Luther, that is not what I was doing, and I’m sorry, going from what I told you to your political career feels kinda unfair.”
“What’s unfair is you thinking you can use people as crutches should the worst happen. You know what, don’t call me again. I really cannot be around you, not with the risk you’d play to my optics. I hope you have a good life, once you get your shit together.”
I’m about to launch into a screaming rant, when he adds, “Oh, and remember to vote.”
And the phone beeps, call ended.
I took a break from my whirlwind apology tour then, needing a full hour and constant consoling from Cal to calm down after that, because let me tell you, the temptation to track down this wannabe political wünderkind and give him a piece of my mind was like a fire burning from my toes to my head.
But the thing about raging fires is they burn out fast. Then I was left cold, thinking maybe he was right.
Thank God for Cal.
“You’re not a user, and you’re not garbage,” he said, after I explained how maybe Luther was right, and I was the worst human being to have ever lived and everyone, including him, would leave me alone someday, and maybe they were right. “You’re messy, and it was messed up, sure, but guess what? That’s humans for you. We’re all messy, and at some point or other, we’re all going to do something really shitty or stupid, and maybe it will burn some bridges. But the people who really care, who really want to see you be your better self again, they’ll call you on your shit but they’ll stick around.”
I look up at him and I feel my lip trembling.
“Because when you love someone, really, it’s not about blindly thinking everything about them is perfect. It’s about seeing how imperfect they are, and not really giving one solitary fuck about it, because you want them in your life anyway.
“And hopefully, when I inevitably make a mess of my own, you’ll want to stick around too.”
I just throw my arms around him, and whisper in his ear, “Always.”
All that being said, that was not the hardest stop on the tour. No, for this one, I needed to go alone.
“Are you sure?” Cal asked, but I assured him, him coming along for this one would probably make things worse, and this one was already going to hurt the deepest, because it’s most likely going to be the one I really hurt most of all.
And so I finally had that second coffee with Julio.
I arrive at a coffee shop in the Village, one of the only places open today it seems, and find him already there, cradling a coffee and with another one, for me, in front of him, steam rising. He jumps to his feet when he sees me.
“Jesse! Man, you okay? I was so worried!” He rushes over and wraps me up in those big biceps of his and I can’t help but let out a little groan. I guess I’m an arm guy.
“Hey, hey, yeah, it’s all good. I just…I just worked too hard, and kinda exhausted myself,” I assure him, pulling myself out of his embrace and inviting him to sit back down as I take the seat opposite him. “That’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. I…have a lot of explaining to do.”
I run through the whole sordid ordeal, from my overworking, my panicking about the text message, my fears and anxiety disorder and the list. And I finally tell him about the mistake with the email, and how it was really only meant for Cal. Not him.
I realize I hadn’t taken a single sip of my coffee, and the complete lack of steam rising from it lets me know how long that took.
For a moment after revealing everything, Julio looks down, and oh God, I swear I feel like I just kicked a puppy. I knew this would cut the deepest. I knew I’d lose someone I actually cared about a whole lot, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Then he looks up at me and fixes me with his big, goofy smile.
“Ah, cool! Cal’s a really sweet guy, and you guys will be so cute together,” he beams at me.
I feel my jaw slack as I stare back in return. “I—you’re not…you’re not mad at me?”
“I mean, it kinda sucks, sure. I like you, and you’re hot, and we never got around to, well, doing anything really. But we weren’t, like, exclusive or anything, man. We were just two friends who gave it a go, but the vibes didn’t quite align, or the timing wasn’t right. It happens.”
I can’t help a lopsided smile creeping onto my face. “You still want to be friends with me? After what I did?”
“Pfft, we’ve all done crazy shit, dude. This one time, on a run, I thought I was wearing my running shorts, but it was actually my tearaways and I basically wound up giving some nuns in Central Park a free show. You won’t believe the number of Hail Mary’s I had to say for that one,” he laughs, and it catches in me too, the mental image of him accidentally flashing a convent worth of innocent nuns, and the fact that he thinks that is in any way a parallel to my own faux pas being so hilariously incongruous that we both sit there, howling until our sides hurt, just like two old friends without a care in the world.
And maybe that’s the thing: for all my worrying and fretting, thinking up all the most horrendous possibilities and outcomes, I forgot that sometimes life goes the other way. Sometimes, life is hilarious and silly and wonderful and things can just be taken for what they are. Dumb mistakes or missteps, with no malice or cruel intentions, and only forgiveness instead.
I hope that I can remember that more often.