Chapter 37
CHAPTER
THIRTY-SEVEN
T uesday morning, and Arran, Cal and myself find ourselves standing outside Excelsior Comics headquarters.
Cal and I had come in together as he’d spent the night at mine. It was so perfect. I mean, it’s not like it was the first time we’d spent the night together. We’d had sleepovers before, of course, back in college or since, when we maybe had a late night out. But this was the first time we’d spent the night together as something more than friends.
We didn’t do anything…at least, not all the way. Not that we didn’t want to. I mean, we clearly wanted to, if you know what I mean. We were making out for a solid hour, and I mean solid, at least, Cal was (and wow, that was…wow).
But I was too distracted, worrying about today, I guess.
“What’s wrong?” Cal had asked, panting, shirtless, legs tangled in mine.
“I—” I wasn’t quite sure what was wrong, or how to put it. Not to mention I was feeling breathless, down to my underwear, in his arms. “I think I’m just stressing about tomorrow.” I nervously flit my eyes down, hoping he didn’t notice.
Instead, he grabs me gently by the chin, and pulls my eyes back to his. “Hey, it’ll be okay. No matter what happens, I’ll be right by your side. And right now, we don’t have to do anything further than we’ve gone already. There’s no rush, I’m not going anywhere.”
I smile, kiss his lips, and then rolled over in his arms, so my back was to his chest, feeling his heart beating against my flushed skin. I knew we’re not going to go any further, but I push back, spooning into him perfectly. You’d think our size difference would make this difficult, but it was perfect. His leg circles over my hip and we lay like that until my alarm woke us up in the morning.
We walked down the remaining block and half to the entrance to Excelsior HQ hand in hand, and I drew strength from him being there. Like he’s always been.
We’ve only just arrived when we see Arran coming around, wheeling his suitcase with him. I’d forgotten that he was flying home today, and I suddenly feel guilty making him come along to lend me moral support, until the rational part of me reminds myself that I didn’t ask him to. He did.
“Morning, guys! How you doing?” He calls, smiling, as he approaches us.
We exchange pleasantries, me making small talk excuses that I’m fine when that is about as far from the truth as can be: my nerves are shot, and I can already feel my heart beating faster, my chest feeling tighter. However, I’m using some breathing techniques that me and Cal found online that help me keep myself in the moment. At least until I can figure out how to proceed with handling my anxiety properly.
We stand there for a moment looking up at the building.
“Not how I imagined my first time at Excelsior HQ going…” Cal mumbles.
“You’ve not been?” Arran asks, sounding mildly surprised. “I just assumed Jesse might have pulled some strings to show you around sometime…”
“Nah. I never liked the idea of taking advantage of a connection, instead of making my own way there, y’know.” His words bring me back to our tense conversation just a week ago, and I can’t help a twitch run down my shoulders. Cal notices. “Not that you did that! You know I don’t think that’s what you did, or that I think…ah, shit, I’m making a mess of this…”
He is. I look at him. And I laugh.
“Yes. You are. But I don’t care.” He looks at me sheepishly, then starts laughing too.
“Why do I feel like I’m missing something?” Arran looks at us, cocked eyebrow and mild consternation on his face. Which just makes us laugh more.
When we finally stop, we take a deep breath and turn back to the doors. People pass us on the street, ignoring the three men just standing outside an outwardly nondescript building, no different from any other corporate headquarters in the city. They probably have no idea that this is a place where dreams are made. Where my future may be about to be decided.
I take one last calming breath and count to five in my head, noting the sounds of the cars behind me, the smell of the garbage in the sun on the street, the warmth from Cal’s hand in mine and the light shining off the glass of the door in front of me. Then I take a step forward.
“Okay, let’s see what happens.”
We get our passes at reception, or rather, Arran and Cal get theirs. My work pass still, well, works, which leaves me mildly surprised despite Anna’s assurances it would. Arran stows his luggage with security at the desk, and then we head to the elevator banks. Going in, I’m amazed we have the elevator to ourselves, I hit floor nine on the panel and wait for the doors to close, flanked by my backup.
The ride up is in near silence, and I can feel ants running up and down my skin. I start fidgeting, my hands flexing at my sides when they aren’t fussing over phantom itches on my arms or in my hair, until Cal all of a sudden grabs my hand in his. I look down at him, and he smiles back at me reassuringly.
I’m already amazed how much it works. Like, the feeling…I guess, the anxiety, I have a name for it now. It doesn’t go away, not entirely. But it’s like a soothing balm, just having him there, the physical contact reassuring me of his presence.
The doors open and we step out into the main offices of Excelsior. I’ve done it hundreds of times before, but this time feels all the more nerve-wracking. Hell, it’s probably more nerve-wracking then when I had my interview for the internship.
I lead the way, walking down the halls towards Anna’s office, giving the occasional awkward nod or stilted wave to my old colleagues as we pass. They aren’t even pretending not to be staring, and I feel the heat rising in my body at all the watchful eyes and barely hidden hushed whispers. I guess I’m still the talk of the town after the party, then.
“Huh,” Cal lets out like a sigh under his breath.
“What’s up?” I figure if I focus on whatever’s eating at him I can ignore what is eating at me.
“It’s nothing,” he shakes his head, but I stare at him to go on. “Really, it’s silly,” I’m not letting up. “It’s just all so… ordinary . Like, it’s just offices, you know?”
“I mean, I told you it’s like that before. What were you expecting? Everyone to be in cosplay?” I laugh, but not at him, not mean. I hope. Oh my god, did I just come across as mean?
“That would be very cool, actually,” Arran smiles, and I get the impression there’s a little more to that image in his mind, but I can’t focus on that right now.
“I know. But it’s different experiencing it firsthand, you know,” Cal shrugs. “And I dunno. So much of the fiction I loved, a world I escaped to every week when things felt tough, it all came from this place. I guess it’s hard not to build it up to be something…larger than life, you know?”
I give him a lopsided smile. I absolutely get it. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, we are here for something hugely dramatic and life-changing. It’s here that my future will be decided!” I say that last part in a mock announcer voice, like you heard on those old serial shows from decades past, mostly covering up how nervous I actually am right now. Mostly.
Callum gives my hand a squeeze, and we carry on. When we get to Anna’s office door, I knock, gently.
“Come in,” her voice comes through the glass, as though we couldn’t see that it’s just her inside.
Stepping into the office, I stand awkwardly in the middle as Anna rises from her seat and comes around her desk, taking Arran’s hand in hers and shaking it firmly. “Arran, really great to see you again. I’m really glad I got a chance to before you head back home to Wales. Long flight?”
“Aye, it will be,” Arran says, “But it’s a late one, and after my time out here, I imagine I’ll sleep all the way home.”
Anna smiles and nods, totally understanding what he means. She’s been there. She bypasses me and looks at Cal, dead in the eye. They’re actually around the same height, which I never realized before, and it’s kinda weird. It’s almost like she’s trying to softly intimidate him?
“Mr. Haverbrook. Not how I imagined our first meeting going,” she says, her features betraying nothing.
“How…how did you imagine our first meeting going?” Cal asks, and I realize he sounds actually nervous.
Anna just raises an eyebrow. “One day, you’ll find out, I imagine,” she says cryptically, before finally looking up at me, her face that same blank stillness, until it briefly softens. “Sit down, all of you. You’re making me feel like a drill instructor, and that was my Pa, not me. Was never one for it.”
She could’ve fooled me.
We sit on the leather couch, all of us just about squeezing on, with myself in the middle. Anna leans against her desk, looking like she’s deciding how to say whatever she’s going to say next. My leg starts bouncing as the silence stretches, until Cal puts his hand on my knee. I notice that Anna noticed that too.
“What I’m going to say is not to leave this room, is that understood?” We all nod silently. “Hank is taking an indefinite leave of absence while a quiet investigation is held to look into some…allegations that have come to light.”
“What kind of allegations?” Arran asks, and I swallow hard, knowing what she means.
Anna doesn’t stop for a beat, and just moves on. “I imagine you know what that will likely mean, Jesse. And I did warn you about him,” it sounds momentarily like an accusation, but then I see her shoulders sag, and she blinks. Turning her head away from us for a moment, she almost whispers, “I’m sorry. I should have kept a closer eye on things. On him.”
I almost jump out of my seat, but squished between Arran and Cal as I am, I just kinda jerk forward, “No, hey, it’s not your fault. You’d told me what he might try and do, and it’s not like it went too far, he just…”
Anna springs back to her stronger stance. “Please, Jesse. I’m not done.”
I slink back into the couch, wishing I could fall down the cushions like oh so many loose coins.
“As I’ve intimated to you in the past, you are not the first, not by a long shot. And after Hank’s…explosive outburst at the NYCC party, let’s just say it was noted, and when sources came forward to advise upper management and HR about historical instances, they were more receptive to those reports. It was on their recommendation that Hank take this leave rather than risk anything come to light on the usual gossip rags online. You know who I’m talking about.”
We all nod, knowing exactly who she’s talking about. Everyone in comics does. Every medium has one, and something like this would make for some juicy clickbait.
“It’s exceedingly unlikely he’ll be coming back. Better to resign quietly after a good long career, move into a new sector of publishing perhaps, or pursue other avenues, than risk being fully fired and the scrutiny that would bring.
“I’ve been made acting Line Editor, and am now in charge of the Pride issue.”
“Congratulations,” I say, genuinely beaming. This was Anna’s baby really, right from the start. It’s only right that she be the one to guide it out into the world, and she’s been at Excelsior for years and is one of the best editors in the business. This is awesome for her, and I guess if something good can come out of this for someone, I’m glad it’s this. Arran and Cal also give their congratulations, and Anna raises a hand as if to say stop, but she is smiling.
“Thank you. But that doesn’t mean that all the things Hank set in motion just go away…” she says, and I realize what she means. I knew it would be the case, I guess HR just needed her to do it in a more formal setting, to make sure I wouldn’t, I dunno, lash out. But of course I wouldn’t, I made a mistake, I caused the commotion, I was the source…
“Now hang on just a minute,” Arran says, rising to his feet, and I almost grab the back of his t-shirt to drag him back onto the couch. What the hell is he doing? “Yes, Jesse made some mistakes, and the influx of cute gay guys at the party was unexpected and poorly timed, but he can hardly be blamed for Hank’s reaction, or for the man’s actions at all. And frankly, I’d be bloody sick to the back teeth if he is. In fact, if Jesse gets the sack, I will leave the book too, I can tell you that right now.”
“No—!” I yelp, going to rise, but Anna fixes me with her sternest glare and I settle back down, eyes wide and flitting between Anna and Arran. Anna takes a slow breath and then turns her attention to Arran.
“Mr Wilson, may I remind you, you have signed a contract, and nowhere in there is a clause about the staffing of editorial on the book and how that may affect your work for hire agreement with Excelsior. I understand working with publishers is still a relatively new thing to you, and I have heard rumors of the more…laid back approach of ComiXpedia, when that was still a thing, but Excelsior is somewhat more strict,” I practically hear Arran gulp, but he stands his ground, which fills me with both dread but also an overwhelming sense of gratitude at how lucky I am to have this man, a hero of mine, standing in my corner. “And moreover, I appreciate your wanting to stand up for Jesse, but it really isn’t necessary, if you would just let me finish.”
Arran continues to look at Anna, but slowly returns to his seat. Anna nods and continues, “As I said, I’m now acting Line Editor, and that grants me certain benefits with the position. And it seems we have a shortage on manpower now, in the vacuum created by Hank’s departure and my moving up. So yes, Jesse, you are in fact fired as an intern at Excelsior Comics…
“…but I would like to offer you a job as a full editor in my team, effective immediately.” She says, smiling, a twinkling in her eye.
Arran smiles back, a nod of respect towards Anna, as Cal screams ‘yes’ before quickly apologizing to Anna for being loud, and he wraps his arms around me. Anna laughs, relaxing in her position against the desk, one shoulder higher than the other. “I’ve been practicing my Big Boss Bitch routine for my new position. Did I do it justice, kid?”
“Oh yeah,” I laugh, nodding vigorously towards her, “You scared the shit out of me, pardon my French. And thank you…”
I look at Cal, still beaming at me, I can practically read his thoughts by looking in those beautiful blue eyes of his, past those deep, black lashes, at all the genuine words of encouragement and congratulations he’s sending me. I look into those unspoken words behind his eyes, and I realize what I need to do next.
“…but I’m going to have to decline.” I take a leap.
“What?!” Arran spins around so fast I worry about his neck.
Cal’s lips fall from the smile they sat in, but never make a frown. He looks at me, waiting for me.
Anna simply raises an eyebrow.
“I appreciate the offer, Anna, I really do. After I messed up, and I really did mess up, I really cannot stress enough how much it means to me,” I turn to face her, hoping that the earnestness of my words is getting across, because I really am so thankful. “But if I’m an editor at Excelsior, I can never be hired as a writer at Excelsior. I’ve been interning here for a few years now, and in that time, I worked harder and harder in my role helping out editorial, but less and less at the thing I love most - telling my own stories.
“I think it’s time I focus on that. So I thank you for the opportunity you’ve given me up ’til now, and for the offer going forward, but I think it’s time I took a risk.
“I know it won’t be easy, and it absolutely terrifies me,” I turn back to Cal, and place my hand in his on my knee. He smiles, even wider than before. “But I think this risk is the best one I could ever take, and I owe it to myself to see it through.”
Anna stands up, all eyes turn to her. She simply smiles.
“You know, I think that’s the smartest decision you’ve made in the entire time I’ve known you,” she circles around her desk again, opening her drawer and taking something out, before casually walking towards us on the couch. “And I’m just sayin’, you and Callum here are great writers individually, but together, you really are something special. This is the best thing the both of you have ever made, in my mind, and you should definitely keep this…partnership alive.” She hands us a copy Flowers for the Dead .
“Did you get this out of my old desk?” I say, looking from the comic back up at Anna.
“Nope. That’s my copy. Picked it up at the show on Sunday. Figured I might be able to get the writers to sign it,” she smiles.
Before we can laugh too hard, Arran jumps in. “Wait a second. I absolutely think in the long run this is the best choice for you, Jesse, but I’m not gonna lie. I was really looking forward to working with you on the Excelsior Pride book. Is there any way you can stick around to at least finish that?”
“You did put so much work into it, Jesse,” Cal says.
“But I thought?—”
“You know,” Anna jumps in, fingers on her chin as she thinks aloud. “I wasn’t lying about us being shorthanded now on the title. I could maybe take you on just for that book. A temporary editorial hire to help with Excelsior Pride , on a short-term contract. Paid, of course.”
My head flits from Anna to Cal, “But wouldn’t that be taking advantage? Using my privilege?—”
“Babe, at this point, that ship has sailed. You might as well finish this thing, you put so much of yourself into it,” Cal butts my shoulder, grinning at my nervousness over the existence of my own privilege.
“He’s right, it’s not like you got in and was lazy, you worked your arse off, mate,” Arran chimes in.
“And if you’re only temporary, it’s not like you’ll be taking a place from someone…just finishing what you started, then it’s my job to find someone new and give them the opportunity you had. And you know I’m a big believer in looking for fresh new voices.”
“It’s okay sometimes,” Callum starts, the complicated nature of his thought clearly taking time for him to verbalize. “Acknowledging the privilege you’ve had is important, but you can’t let it derail your own dreams. You can’t change those dreams just because you might have an undeniable leg up over others, because that’s also unfair to you. And hell, I’m sorry if pointing out your privilege has in any way been causing you anxiety and stress.”
“Cal—”
“But you worked hard for this, I would never deny that, and it means a lot to you. You can’t help who your parents are, or how this industry works sometimes. If an opportunity is given to you, it would be just as wrong not to take it. You owe it to yourself to see it through.”
I look at this man, this friend, this partner, who has stood by me for years, through thick and thin, through the highs and lows, when I’ve been on an even keel or a raving mess. This guy who’s always had my back, who’s never stopped challenging me, but who above all simply cares, simply wants the best for me, even when that means telling me I’m a goddamn idiot at times.
I take a deep breath, and turn back to Anna.
“Okay then. Let’s make this thing.”
“Awesome,” she smiles, “Crisis averted.”