Chapter 40 Alex #2
“I’ve only ever been willing to share part of myself because I’m petrified of feeling more.
All I’ve known is the pain intimacy caused, never the joy it could bring.
But when I saw the expression on your face as you left, I understood what I’d done—the betrayal in your eyes.
I saw the terrible pattern I’d been repeating, the same pattern going back generations.
So, the next day, I put the apartment on the market.
It’s been sold, Nancy. It doesn’t exist anymore.
I should never have accepted it in the first place.
” I took her hand and placed it on my heart. “It’s not who I am in here.”
She stared at my chest for some time, looking pale and drawn. “I need to move.”
“Of course,” I said quietly, but it took me a long moment to release her.
Nancy dropped down from the table, and I returned the ring to the drawer, then went to the cellarette to pour a large whisky. “Would you like a cognac?” She shook her head, cradling her arms as she gazed at the skyline. I sat nearby, watching her. “What are you thinking about?”
“I’m trying to get my head around all this… I never thought I could be manipulated again.”
“What do you mean again?”
Her brows knit in the window’s reflection. Then, she turned to me. “How did you find out my address when we first met? I checked, and we aren’t listed anywhere public. We made sure of it. But somehow, you found out.”
I looked into her tired eyes, the sensation reflected inside me.
I’d spent so long lying, especially to myself.
The truth was her bottom line. “I got your number plate and hacked into the DVLA database to bring up your licence. That gave me your address and date of birth. I then used your ID to run a DBS check with the police for any criminal convictions.” I paused, considering.
In for a penny. “And, after you had a panic attack and then cried when we were intimate, I hacked your phone, and I’ve been tracking it since. ”
Nancy’s horrified expression wasn’t a surprise. I braced. “What the fuck! You’ve been tracking me! Were you tracking me when we were broken up—”
“We were never broken up,” I butt in. She spluttered out a confusing mix of profanities, but I continued.
“And the last time I tracked your phone was when you rode away angry because I had to know you got home safely. Believe me, I’ve wanted to spend every waking second this last week watching the little dot that would tell me where you are, but I didn’t. ”
She threw up her hands. “How can I believe you after all of this?”
“Trust,” I said simply, knowing I didn’t deserve it but willing it all the same.
“But you illegally looked up my private information before we went out, and then you came to my home uninvited.”
“I search the same information for anyone new who enters my life. I was attracted to you as soon as we met. I wanted to get to know you, but I have to protect myself. I’m a high-profile businessman and the heir to a duchy.
There are people out there who want to screw me over.
I know because it happened to me once already. ”
“What are you talking about?” Nancy ran a hand down her neck with a look of concern I was grateful for.
I took a swig of whisky and rose. If I were coming clean, I’d be on my feet.
“In my final year at Cambridge, I met a woman whom I grew to care for deeply. I honestly thought she could be the one, but as we neared our first anniversary, she disappeared. Her phone was disconnected. Her social media accounts were closed down. She wasn’t at her apartment.
When I asked the landlord, he said she’d moved out a few days before with no forwarding address.
I was distraught, so I searched for her, but it was like she’d never existed.
Then, a month later, our solicitors informed me that a tell-all book was due to be released by a junior reporter at The Echo. It was her.
“It turned out she’d lured me to gather as much dirt as possible.
She was never interested in me as a person, only as a personality she could make money from while furthering her career.
She’d put together four hundred pages detailing every grubby detail she could find about my life, my family, what I enjoyed in the bedroom, for chrissake!
” I rubbed down my face. “Everything she told me was a lie, and I believed every word. It broke my trust in people, and I promised myself never to let that happen again. So, now I check the background of anyone who enters my life.”
“I’m sorry that happened to you, Alex,” Nancy whispered, the look on her face more troubled than I’d expected. It wasn’t sympathy exactly. No, she knew what I meant.
“And I’m sorry that I broke your privacy and hid this from you. But neither of us has been fully open with the other.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” She folded her arms defensively, though I thought it was more likely for protection, so I sat again and proceeded gently.
“Why did our intimacy frighten you? What caused your panic attack in the back of the car? Why didn’t you want to go to the hospital after?
I see your fear whenever you’re in a confined space.
And when you cried after an orgasm, it was like you were desperate to let go of something.
I’ve never asked you what that is, but I know you’re keeping a secret that petrifies you. ”
“It’s not relevant.” She looked away, but she couldn’t hide the tremor in her hands.
I hated that I’d caused that, but if there was any chance of us moving forward, we had to be open with one another. I understood that now. “Please, Nancy. Tell me what happened.”
She shook her head, clasping herself tighter. “Don’t ask me.”
“Why, bella?” I said gently. “There’s nothing you could say that would change how I feel about you.”
She huffed an exhale, holding back tears, and turned to look at me. “Is that really what you think?”