Chapter 41 Nancy
I WATCHED ALEX FROM ACROSS THE ROOM, torn between whether to stay and confess or run. But while the adrenaline pumping through my veins commanded flight, I held myself in place. A figurine—forged in iron. Fists clenched in defiance at my side.
He was right. I should’ve said something earlier to help him understand what it was that scared me.
Why I avoided relationships and physical contact.
Why I found it difficult to trust men. But fear does funny things to a person.
It could convince you almost anything was true.
And while that fear had kept me safe for a long time, I was too tired to keep running.
I took a mental picture of his face. He’d never be able to look at me like he was right now: full of desire, affection, and wonder. I couldn’t watch the realisation of what I truly was cross over his features, so I turned to the anonymity of the capital and held myself.
“When I was fourteen, I got chatting with a boy on a gaming app. We’d message most days after school, friendly, innocent stuff, nothing specific.
No boy had ever taken much interest in me, and I felt flattered.
I’d started getting interested in boys when I got to secondary, but I was shy.
I couldn’t flirt with ease like Kim and Jem.
I was a geeky sort of kid who preferred hanging out in my room, reading, listening to music, and chatting online. So this felt like a big deal.
“We played together for a few weeks, chatting about the game and then other things too. He came across as easy-going for a guy my age…until he confessed he wasn’t.
“I went quiet at first. I knew a twenty-year-old guy was too old to be chatting with. Why would he be interested in me? But he told me I spoke more maturely than most of the women his age, and he liked that I was into the same things as him. He said we could be friends, that there wasn’t any harm in that.
And in the end, I thought, ‘Why not?’, we were only talking online.
It wasn’t real life. And he was so attentive.
“He asked me questions about school and home. What I liked. What my hobbies were. I told him I was close to Mum, especially now we were on our own after Gran died, and he said he’d come from a single-parent home and was close to his mum too.
I remember because that’s when I started to trust him.
That small thing connecting us. He was a guy who loved his mum.
“As time went on, he asked for my number, then he started sending me pics of himself relaxing at home, or working out. I never knew where he was, but that excited me. And he was good-looking, took care of himself. He said he was a bouncer. That he’d protect me.
I’d never met a man like that. I felt lucky that someone like him cared about me.
“His questions continued, but I never saw the slow change in tone. Asking me what I found attractive. If I liked how he looked. If I’d ever had a boyfriend.” I paused. “In the end, I confessed I’d never been with anyone. He messaged more after that, told me I was beautiful, that I turned him on.
“It made me feel powerful. Like I had control of this intangible thing nobody knew about. I was desirable in a way I never realised before. I wanted to wrap myself up in his attention.” I sighed, knowing how foolish it sounded, but there was no turning back the clock.
“Then he asked if he could be my boyfriend, and I said yes, even though I’d not told anyone about him—or met him.
“He must have worked out where I lived from our conversations because he sent me a birthday present in the post. It was a dress, low-cut with a tiny skirt. The sort of thing Mum would never have let me wear. I thought it was romantic.
“He wanted a picture of me wearing it, so I sent one in the mirror. Then he convinced me to show more skin, like a photographer with their muse, until I’d sent pouty and seductive ones, then topless and naked ones.” I exhaled in disgust, as much at myself as him.
“He said I should hide what we had ’cause people wouldn’t get it, especially Mum.
So I did. I used her makeup while she was out, trying to look sexy for our video chats.
I wanted to be an adult. I wanted him to see me that way.
And when I performed, it made him happy.
Then, making him happy became all I wanted. Until one day, he told me he loved me.”
Alex rose and started to pace at the end of the table.
“After that, he asked if I’d go on a proper date.
I couldn’t wait. So, I put on the skimpy dress he’d bought me and did my hair and makeup like a grown-up.
Then I snuck out without a word, like he told me to.
Mum was out at a hair appointment, so I just left.
Not a text, not a note, not a call.” I swallowed.
My palms felt clammy, and panic was rising, but Alex was here, breathing hard and prowling like a lion, guarding me.
I’m not alone this time.
“I asked him where we were going, and he said he needed to drop off something at a mate’s house, but afterwards, he’d take me to dinner and the cinema.
We could watch whatever I wanted, his treat.
We drove for over half an hour. I didn’t know where we were going, but I trusted him.
He was my boyfriend. The guy who looked out for me.
“We pulled onto a driveway, and he gave me a bottle of WKD. He said it would chill me out before the movie. It tasted horrible, but I drank it ’cause he wanted me to. Then he said he’d be back soon and left.
“The car was dark, so I flipped the switch for the ceiling lamp, but it didn’t work.
Then I started to feel woozy. I didn’t understand what was happening, so I tried to get out, but he’d set the child locks.
I hit the horn, but there wasn’t a sound.
I crawled into the backseat and tried to break the windows with my feet, but I was too weak.
Everything was constricting inwards, and I couldn’t breathe.
Then I don’t remember.” I felt a tremor enter my voice and tried to collect myself while Alex continued to pace.
Keep going; keep moving forward.
“When I came around, everything was blurry, and my heart was beating hard. It was a nightmare. That was my first thought: that I was still asleep in a terrible dream. But I wasn’t, and he was on top of me...raping me.
“I can’t remember much, only the stink of bleach and the hatred in his eyes as his hands clasped around my throat. He kept saying how dirty I was, how I’d led him on like every girl before me—” I broke with a whimper.
“That’s enough!” Alex bounded over, arms out, desperate to embrace me.
“No,” it came out harsher than I wanted, but I had to get past this point, this singularity that nothing could escape. But if Alex held me like I’d been dying for this entire week, I wouldn’t manage it. “I have to finish.”
After a minute, he sat beside me and took my hand, squeezing it to lend me his strength.
I drew a shaky breath. “When he was done, he drove me back to World’s End and left me on the pavement.
He said if I went to the police, he’d kill Mum and me.
I knew he meant it. I understood what he was then.
I remember there was pain when I tried to call out, but I must’ve made enough noise because AJ heard me as he was walking home.
I’d passed out again, but he got Mum, and she took me to the hospital.
“When I came around, I was on a bed, and the room smelled like disinfectant. I was in A&E, but I thought I was back there, so I freaked out. That clinical smell still makes me feel sick.
“Once they’d calmed me down with a sedative, they told us they’d have to inform the police because of my age.
I begged them not to. I said we were in danger.
That he’d kill us, but they wouldn’t listen, so when they left the room, I staggered out of bed and convinced Mum to go.
We hadn’t left our details, so we just walked away.
She wanted to find him and get revenge, but when we got a note through our door saying he’d come for me again, she was scared. ”
“Jesus, Nancy,” Alex muttered, rubbing my palm with soothing strokes.
“We hid at one of Gran’s friends while Mum applied to the council for new digs, and by luck, fate, timing, who knows, the flat you just bought was available.
He didn’t contact us again, but even with the threats stopping, I was still so anxious that I wouldn’t leave the flat.
Mum rang Rape Crisis and they were amazing.
Talked her through everything and organised for me to have counselling.
Kim and Jemima helped me back to school, and, alongside home, it became my safe space.
“When I got to sixth form, I decided I wanted to go to uni, but the thought of being in an unknown place petrified me. I knew something needed to change, so I started trying small things that scared me, like going out alone, working a Saturday job, and getting my dove tattoo. Having the symbol of new beginnings on my skin reminded me to keep moving forward. Then Winston suggested I learn to ride. His mate had a bike I could have for next to nothing. Mum was so angry at him for a while, but riding helped give me the confidence I needed. Something powerful that I controlled all on my own.” I gazed out at the flickering lights of cars making slow progress through the evening traffic.
I’d never said what happened in one go before.
The place I’d fought to reach day by day.
It’d always been a secret, a shameful memory, holding me captive.
But I realised I had a choice. It was possible to live without that pain in my present.
It was possible to accept what was without it still being. I drew a long breath and exhaled.
“So that’s what happened. A girl fell for a guy she thought loved her and lost her dignity and trust because of it.”
I turned to face Alex and saw what I’d expected: horror, pity, distance.
He looked like he’d aged years in a matter of minutes.
I stepped back and closed my eyes to the inevitable.
“All you’ll see now is that girl lying on the pavement after making the worst decision of her life. Stupid, used, and ruin—”
Alex’s mouth pressed hard against mine. I opened my eyes and met his gaze full of fierce yearning. In relief, I slid my fingers into his silky hair and nestled into his warmth, his broad hands rubbing my back in soothing strokes.
“Nothing could ever change how I feel about you, and certainly not the violence of a monster who grooms and rapes little girls.” He framed my face, stroking his thumbs over my freckles.
“I’ll never think of you differently, Nancy…because I’m in love with you.”
My eyes widened.
“I know you’ve heard those words before, and they were the worst kind of lie, but I promise you, I’m not lying,” he said softly.
“I told you I’d be honest and I meant it.
I know I don’t deserve you when you’ve been so strong every step of the way, and I’ve proved myself a coward. But it stops, here and now.”
He held my face. “Nancy, the way I feel about you frightens me and enthrals me. I should have told you as soon as I felt it, but I’ve never said those words to anyone. I love you—”
“Stop—” I tried to push away, but he held me like a vice.
“Then let me show you. Give me this evening, and I’ll show you as I should have from the very beginning.”
I looked into his deep evergreen eyes, soft with affection and sure with strength and felt my body ease. “Okay.”
He took my hand. “Walk with me.”