12. Beck
Beck
I’m not going to lie, it felt good to get my feelings out into the open.
Not because I plan on acting on them, but because it’s no longer weighing me down.
I don’t have to hide my glances at Willow.
I don’t have to hold back my smile. When our hands brush against each other in passing, her cheeks blush because she knows we both noticed it.
It’s been nice.
But the relief of telling her doesn’t relieve the fact that I still want her. That I often find myself wondering what her lips would feel like or wondering what it would be like to wake up next to her and start our days together.
There’s certainly no relief in feeling like the shittiest friend in the world.
Every time I see Sawyer’s name pop up on my phone, I’m expecting him to call me out and tell me I’m the biggest piece of shit.
But that text never comes because Willow keeps her promise and doesn’t tell anyone what we talked about.
It’s been a few days since my confession, and I only have to work a half day in the stables.
I figured Willow would be happy about the fact that she only had to work a few hours, but she actually seems a little sad when I walk through the door.
I had planned on having a chill day with Jade at the house, but when I see both of them pouting because Willow has to leave, I quickly pivot.
“How about we all go to lunch and then maybe a movie?” I ask out of the blue.
Jade immediately cheers. She loves any excuse to head into town. Willow looks at me a little more skeptically before agreeing.
“You’re sure?” she asks when Jade runs to brush her hair and grab her favorite sandals.
“Yeah. It’s the least I could do for making you get up so early for only a few hours of work.”
“A meal and a movie, though… sounds almost like a date.” She raises her eyebrow as if challenging me.
“Jade will be there,” I say in my defense.
Willow chuckles. “Is she going to be our chaperone?”
“Do we need one?” I ask.
She shrugs one shoulder. “Maybe.”
Yeah, maybe we do. And yeah, maybe I am using my daughter as a barrier between us, but I want to spend more time with Willow and can’t take her into town just the two of us. Rumors would spread faster than wildfire.
Jade runs back into the living room. “Ok, I’m ready.”
“Let me change really quick, princess, and then we’ll go,” I tell her.
I turn to walk to my bedroom when Willow asks quietly, “Need any help?”
I swear, this woman. She’s trying to push me. “I think I got it.”
“I’m here if you need me.”
I shake my head and continue to my room, where I throw on a clean T-shirt and a nicer pair of jeans.
I didn’t do much with the horses today, just mainly worked on the schedules for the next month and orders that Brooks needed submitted today.
So, I forego my shower for now and add a little more deodorant before putting on a clean hat.
It’s not a date. Definitely not a date. But I will be out in public with Willow, and I want to impress her, so I try to look decent.
“Alright, ladies. You ready?” I ask, walking back into the living room.
Both of them are standing by the door. Jade even has a little purse to match Willow’s.
It’s fun seeing my daughter around a woman like this.
It’s obvious to me that she looks up to Willow.
She watches her every move and wants Willow around all the time.
I’m sure Jade is also like that with her mom, but we’ve been separated for so long that I don’t get to see that.
Jade talks for most of the short trip. It’s only when we park in front of Blue’s Diner that she takes a breather. We find an empty booth, and I take one side while Willow takes the other. Jade takes no time to decide that she’s going to sit by Willow instead of me. Willow gets a kick out of that.
We order our food and have a nice lunch together. I was worried it would be awkward with Willow here, but it’s the exact opposite. Willow kept the conversation going while making sure Jade felt included. She makes it so easy to talk to her, and I love that she makes my daughter feel special.
I’d thought that people might judge me for being out with Willow and Jade, the three of us looking very much like a unit, but no one spared us a second glance.
I keep forgetting that Willow is not new to town.
These people know her. They know Sawyer, and they certainly know my involvement with the two of them.
Their parents’ death was a tragedy here in Blue Haven.
After Sawyer got custody of Willow, it was the three of us against the world for years, so everyone is used to seeing us together.
I’m too in my head, worried that people could look at me and know my feelings for Willow have grown beyond amicable.
Willow finishes her food first and sits back in the booth.
I feel her watching me, but I try my best not to look up at her.
I focus on my plate, eating each French fry one by one.
But then I feel something on my leg. I don’t even have to look to know Willow is rubbing her leg against mine under the table.
Thank god I’m in jeans because feeling her bare skin against mine would be too much.
The last thing I need is a hard-on in the middle of Blue’s.
I risk a glance at her to see her smirking in my direction. She’s teasing me on purpose. I was hoping she’d take our previous conversation and have some pity on me. But apparently, she’s chosen to make this summer absolutely miserable for me.
During the movie, I make Jade sit between Willow and me.
I’m not proud of it, but at least Jade was happy she got to sit next to both of us.
I couldn’t tell you what the movie was about, though.
If I wasn’t focused on Jade, I was glancing toward Willow.
She was smiling most of the movie and laughing when Jade laughed.
She has such a great laugh. She caught me staring at her once, and I started to look away but thought, what’s the point?
She already knows I’m attracted to her. When she catches me, she leans her head against the back of the seat and smiles in my direction.
It’s what I’d imagine it would be like lying next to her without a whole chair between us.
My fingers twitch, wanting to hold her hand. For a second, I regret putting Jade between us, but I quickly remind myself it’s for the best. Holding her hand would only make everything worse.
After the movie, the three of us walk out in a daze.
Jade, because she loves movies and is processing what she saw.
Willow and I, because we were making googly eyes at each other for the last half of the movie.
It feels like I’m in high school all of a sudden, with a crush on a girl for the first time.
It doesn’t help when Jade holds one of my hands, and Willow decides to stand on my other side, linking our arms and leaning her head on my shoulder as we walk. It feels too intimate, but I don’t make her stop. I can’t. I like her being this close.
We climb back into my truck, and I take us back to my place.
“Let me just grab my bag, and I’ll be out of your way,” Willow says, rubbing Jade’s head as we walk inside.
I’m about to stop her, but my daughter beats me to it. “Don’t leave yet!”
“Aw, you’re sweet, but you don’t need me here when your dad is home.”
“Yes, I do. We always need you, right, Daddy?” Jade says.
Both of them turn to look at me. “You should stay.”
She looks at me as if she’s trying to figure out if I’m saying that because it’s what Jade wants or if it’s because it’s what I want. The truth scares me more than I care to admit. Whatever she sees must satisfy her because she says, “Ok, I’ll stay.”
The three of us spend the rest of the afternoon together. We play a few board games before I convince them to play a few rounds of Mario Kart on the Nintendo Switch.
Then I decide to grill us steaks while the girls play dolls.
We eat dinner together like a family. It feels very domesticated.
I can’t help but like the way it feels. And I especially like that it’s Willow across the table from me.
There’s something special about her. I know I pay her to watch Jade every day, but she does it in a way that I can tell she truly cares about Jade.
She goes above and beyond to make Jade feel seen and is excited to spend the day with her. That means the world to me.
Willow is so excited about everything. She makes me feel more alive than I have in awhile.
The way she takes the time to enjoy the little things.
How she’s always up for anything Jade suggests.
She’s so full of life, which reminds me that I used to be like that once.
I’m starting to feel that way again, little by little, day by day.
She’s pulling me out of my mundane routine and making me want more.
I like the way she looks at me, too. Like she’s happy to see me every single time. It’s crazy that such a simple thing can make me feel so wanted. It’s something I didn’t know I needed.
And goddamn, do I want her. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get her out of my head. She’s always there. And the worst part is that I like her being there. When I’m not near her, I’m wondering what she’s doing. I’m wondering if she’s thinking about me like I’m thinking about her.
After dinner, she helps me with the dishes before I run a bath for Jade. Once Jade is in the tub, I walk back into the living room to find Willow gathering her things.
“I should go. But I had fun today. Thanks for letting me hang out with you two.”
Don’t go is what I want to say, but instead, I go with, “Yeah, of course. I know Jade had fun… and I did too.”
She smiles and nods. As she moves past me to get to the door, I stop her by wrapping my arm around her waist. She freezes, looking down at where my arm is connecting with her body and then looks up at me.
“I—” I don’t know what I’m trying to say. There’s nothing to say. If I say what’s on my mind, it’ll ruin everything. Why can’t I stop feeling this way for her?
Her eyes flick to my lips quickly before meeting my eyes again. I lean in just barely, but it’s enough to feel her breath hitch from my closeness. The side of my nose grazes hers.
Just an inch. That’s all it would take for our lips to connect. My heart is racing in my chest, and I wonder if hers is too.
“Beck,” she says, barely above a whisper. I turn my face just slightly. I could do it. I could kiss her right now.
I almost give in. I almost close the gap and finally feel her lips. But all of a sudden, I hear, “Daddy! Are you coming back?”
I exhale and take a step away from Willow. “Yes, Jadey. I’m coming.”
“I should go,” Willow says softly, making me feel like complete shit.
“Willow. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Beck. I understand,” she says. Does she understand? Because I’m not even sure I do. I keep leading her on and then don’t follow through. If I were in her position, I’d be pissed.
“I’ll see you in the morning?” she asks.
“Yeah, see you then.”
And then she walks out, leaving my house feeling empty again.