11. Willow
Willow
Beck has been unusually distant this past week. At first, I thought it was probably a good thing. We came way too close to crossing a line last week. A line that could change everything. But I can’t help but miss him.
Which is insane. I see him every day, but it feels like something is missing.
He doesn’t have coffee waiting for me in the mornings.
There are very few check-in texts throughout the day, if any.
I’ll occasionally send him pictures of whatever Jade and I do that day, and he’ll reply by simply liking the picture, where before he would make cute comments.
When he gets home at the end of the day, he’s not playful.
He’s never rude, but it’s clear he’s ready for me to leave. Which is fine. I can take a hint.
I may be overanalyzing the situation. It wouldn’t be the first time, that’s for sure. Beck and I have always gotten along so well. But since I’ve been back, things have been different. I hope I’m not making up the tension between us.
This morning, he mentioned he had to work later than usual.
It’s Friday, and a lot of guests are checking in at the ranch, so they’re doing a few later rides.
Obviously, it’s no problem for me. I don’t have any plans other than hanging out with Sawyer, which might need to change because I think I’m starting to cramp his style a bit.
He’s spent a few nights away recently. I can’t imagine how it must be for him to live on his own for three years and then all of a sudden someone is there every single day. I’m sure he misses his privacy.
I made dinner for Jade and me, but afterward we decided we wanted a sweet treat. We dug around in the freezer and pantry to see what there was to work with before we decided on milkshakes.
I’m scooping the chocolate ice cream into the blender when the front door opens. I glance at the clock to see that it’s earlier than Beck said he’d be home.
“Hey, you’re just in time. We’re making milkshakes. You want one?” I ask.
He kicks his boots off by the door and walks toward us, surveying the living room.
“Did you clean?” he asks, his tone more accusatory than I would like and completely ignoring my offer of a milkshake.
“Oh, yeah, we picked up a little. We thought it would be nice for you to come home to a clean house. Right, Jade?”
She nods and smiles up at him.
“That’s very nice, but you know you don’t have to do that. I pay you to watch Jade, not clean my house.” His voice is a little softer this time, and my shoulders relax. For a second, I was worried I was in trouble.
“It’s nothing. I didn’t do much. Just picked up. Folded her laundry. Jade swept the floors.”
“Did you?” he asks his daughter. She nods enthusiastically. Honestly, the floors are probably still dirty, but she was so proud of her work that I couldn’t possibly redo it. “That’s very helpful. Thank you, ladies.”
“Of course. Now, last chance. You want a milkshake or not?”
He chuckles, seeming lighter than when he walked through the door. “Yeah, I’ll have one.”
I add more of the ingredients to the blender before I put the lid on and let Jade turn it on. She watches the machine mix everything up until we have smooth milkshakes.
I pour them into cups and then hand Jade the whip cream to spray on top. “Will you do the honors, princess?”
She excitedly grabs the can from me. I know it’s going to be a mess before she even presses on the top, but it’s fun to watch her get so much joy out of the small things.
She turns the can upside down and presses on the top, and cream goes flying everywhere but the milkshake.
She stops, looks at me with wide eyes, before busting out laughing.
“Can I try again?” she asks.
“Of course.”
She holds the can upside down again and squirts out the cream. This time it goes on the milkshake, but she doesn’t stop when she should, so there’s a giant pile of cream on top. She’s laughing hysterically.
“Alright, that one’s yours,” I tell her, tickling her side and making her laugh.
Then she moves to the next two glasses. These have significantly less whipped cream, but they’re still messy. That’s ok though. She got the job done. I put a cherry on top of each one before we each take our shakes.
“This is really good,” Beck says after his first sip.
“Thanks. I’d like to think I’m a junk food connoisseur.”
He laughs. “Yeah, I remember. Do you remember that time you insisted on getting the extra-large banana split sundae from Blue’s Diner and ate the entire thing?”
“Heck yes, I do!” Sawyer and Beck had taken me out for my fifteenth birthday.
I didn’t want a cake that year because I had my heart set on that sundae.
Sawyer never let me order it because he thought it would be too much sugar, but I figured he couldn’t say no to me on my birthday.
Turns out I was right. “And I finished it all, didn’t I? ”
“You sure did. We couldn’t believe it.”
“I have no regrets.” My stomach hurt pretty badly the next day, if I’m being honest, but I never said anything. There was no way I was gonna let Sawyer say “I told you so.”
“I want a big ice cream sundae,” Jade says after a big lick of her whipped cream.
“That sundae is bigger than your whole head,” Beck tells her.
“So? I still want it.”
I laugh. “How about this? Maybe at the end of summer, I’ll take you to Blue’s, and we’ll split it?”
“Yes! You promise?” she asks.
“I pinky promise. And you can’t break a pinky promise.” I stick out my pinky finger, and she wraps her sticky finger around it. “Maybe we’ll even let your dad try a bite if we’re feeling nice that day.”
She giggles. “He can have the banana.”
“I’ll have you know that I like bananas,” Beck says before he leans down and kisses Jade’s cheek.
“I’m gonna share my milkshake with my babies,” she announces, and I glance back to the couch to see where we lined up all her dolls earlier. She wanted to play school, and I let her keep them there while we were cleaning so the dolls could also learn how to clean, obviously.
She leaves Beck and me on our own in the kitchen. It’s the only time we’ve been alone all week, so I take the plunge and ask him what’s been bothering me.
“Did I do something to upset you?” I’m proud of myself for not letting my voice shake. Beck has always been part of my life. I’ve always been comfortable around him. But since I’ve been back, it’s felt a little different. The last thing I want is for him to be upset with me.
“No, Willow. Of course not. Why would you think that?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. You’ve been kind of distant this week. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t do anything.”
He sighs, and his shoulders slump. “Shit. No. Willow. It’s not you. It’s definitely not you. It’s just me…”
“Just you? Are you ok?” I immediately start wondering if he’s received some bad news recently that might be consuming his thoughts. I feel stupid for thinking his mood might be because of me. Why would it? I mean, I’m just Sawyer’s sister. His nanny. I’m literally no one to him.
“Yeah… I. I don’t know. My mind has been a little confused, I guess,” he says.
Now I’m even more confused.
“Oh. Ok. Is there something I can help with?” I ask.
He huffs a laugh. “No. You’ve done enough.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be talking to you about this. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m fine though, really. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
He starts to turn, but I stop him by wrapping my hand around his bicep. His very strong bicep. “Wait. You know you can talk to me, right?”
He looks at my hand around his arm, and I drop it quickly. “Not about this, I can’t.”
“Beck. Come on,” I press.
“It’s inappropriate, Willow.”
“I love inappropriate things,” I say, thinking he’s got some good gossip.
Although as soon as I say it, I wonder if he’s dating someone and he doesn’t want to tell me.
I think about rescinding my offer to talk to him, but I don’t.
In truth, I’d do anything for Beck. Even if it means talking about his potential partner.
“Come on. What is it? Are you dating someone?”
He glances over his shoulder to make sure Jade didn’t hear me and quickly turns back to me. “Shh. Keep your voice down.”
My stomach drops. He is dating someone. Ok, that’s ok. I can handle it. I straighten my shoulders and prepare for impact.
“It’s not that. I’m not dating anyone, but I am having… feelings for someone that I shouldn’t.”
“Why shouldn’t you? Any woman would be lucky to have you.”
He chuckles. “I’m glad you think so. But this woman is very off limits.”
I gasp and then whisper, “Is she married?”
He shakes his head. “No. No. She’s…”
“She’s what? Out with it, man. You’re killing me here.” I’m not sure why I want to know so badly. Maybe so I can compare myself to the woman who’s consuming his thoughts?
He sighs, and I see him give in internally right as he says, “She’s my best friend’s sister.”
My brows crease in confusion. “I thought Sawyer was your best friend. He’ll be really upset to learn he’s been knocked out of the top spot.”
“Sawyer is my best friend,” Beck says slowly.
“But…” I pause as realization hits me. “You mean… me?”
Beck has feelings for me? I’d hoped for it. I’d wanted it. I’d thought maybe. But to have him actually admit it? I never thought this would happen. My heart feels like it’s going to hammer out of my chest.
He nods slowly, and I can’t stop the smile that pulls at my lips.
“Oh, my god. You’re serious?” Beck Sullivan likes me? This is the best day of my life!
What does this mean? I mean, I’m going back to school in a month and a half.
Not just to school but to Italy for a semester.
Beck lives here with Jade. Could we really do a long-distance relationship?
And Sawyer. God, Sawyer would lose his mind.
The thoughts in my head quickly overwhelm me.
I take a deep breath and convince myself to take this one step at a time.
“That’s just it, Willow,” he says. “I can’t do anything about what I’m feeling.”
My smile falls. “Why not?”
“Well, first of all, I’m over a decade older than you. Secondly, you’re only here for another, what? A month and a half? I can’t start something when I know how it’ll end. And what do you think Sawyer would think if he found out? He’d kill me. Literally.”
Ok, he brings up all very valid points, but it’s still not enough for me. Not when I know that Beck feels this way toward me. How am I supposed to go on like normal when I could have something more with him? Even for a short time.
“But—”
He shakes his head, cutting me off. “No buts, Willow. This can’t happen, ok? I shouldn’t have even said anything to you, but I wanted you to know what was going through my head so you wouldn’t think you did anything wrong. This is something I need to work out on my own.”
“So, I’m just supposed to go on acting like everything is fine? Like we both aren’t feeling something between us?”
“You have to, Wills. If it’s too difficult, I can try to find someone else to watch Jade.”
“No,” I say quickly. “I need the money for Italy.”
“Ok, then we have to go on like nothing is different.”
It’s going to be impossible not to think about everything he’s said, knowing that every stolen glance, every crooked smile, every small touch means something more. Something I can’t have.
“Alright, fine,” I agree, since it seems like I don’t really have a choice.
Something in my tone makes him not trust me. He narrows his eyes. “Willow, I’m serious.”
“Ok. I promise everything will be like it always has been.” Even as I say it, I don’t believe myself because I’m already thinking of ways that I can get Beck to want more.
It’s not fair of me. I realize that. He’s trying to be the bigger person here.
Trying to do the right thing. But for once in my life, I don’t want to do the right thing.
I want Beck. Even if it’s just temporary. Even if we’re the only two people who know.
“Now drink your milkshake,” I say. After a long pause, Beck, clearly trying to figure out if I’m being serious, finally takes another sip of his milkshake.
And I go on pretending like his confession wasn’t the best moment of my life.
I actually mean something to Beck, and I might never get to do anything about it.