20. Beck
Beck
“Daddy, do you like Willow?” Jade asks from the backseat of the truck.
I look through my rearview mirror to see her staring out of her window. “Of course I like Willow. Don’t you?”
I know she likes Willow because all she does is talk about her when she’s not with us.
I’m afraid her little heart is going to be broken when Willow heads back to school.
Hell, I’m afraid my little heart is going to be broken when she leaves.
Especially knowing she’s all the way in Europe.
Who knows what she’ll get up to there, but I know I’m going to be thinking the worst.
“Duh, Daddy. I mean, do you like her, like her?”
My breath catches, and I swear my heart stops for a moment. I wasn’t prepared to have this conversation yet. “What?”
“Do you have a crush on Willow?” she asks plainly.
“Why would you ask that?” I know my daughter is perceptive.
She’s always pointing things out and asking questions.
But I guess I thought I hid my feelings for Willow better than I did.
I keep forgetting that Jade is not a little baby anymore.
She sees things, hears things, and comes to her own conclusions now.
“I saw you two sleeping on the couch together last night. And you slept in her bed with her when she was sick. You kissed her forehead when she left this morning. Chris does all those things with Mommy, and Mommy says it’s because they’re in love.”
Shit. I guess I haven’t been hiding anything at all. I’m an idiot.
“Well, honey, it’s a little complicated,” I say.
“No, it’s not. You either like her, or you don’t.”
I laugh because I wish it were that easy. And I wish it were easy to explain to Jade why I like Willow so much, but I can’t be with her the way Chris is with Gemma.
“Ok, I do like Willow—”
She gasps before I can finish. “Are you gonna get married?”
“Whoa, hold your horses, little one. I’m not ready to get married to anyone.”
“Why not?” she asks, and I can hear a hint of sadness in her voice, which is curious.
I guess I had always assumed that Jade didn’t want me to get married or have a girlfriend.
Maybe I should’ve talked to her about it, but honestly, it hasn’t mattered up until now.
Willow is the only woman I’ve even thought about in a long time.
At least since Gemma and I were together.
“Don’t you like it being just me and you?” I ask her.
“Yeah, but I’m not with you all the time. I don’t want you to be sad and lonely when I’m gone.” Geez, when did she start thinking like this? Is that how she sees me? Her sad and lonely loser of a father?
“I’m not lonely, honey.” Well, I guess I am a little bit, but for the sake of this conversation, I’m not.
“You might be one day. You like Willow, and she likes you. It’s perfect!”
My curiosity gets the better of me, and I ask, “How do you know she likes me?”
I glance back again in the mirror just in time to see her roll her eyes. “Duh, Daddy. She’s all smiley when you’re home.”
I chuckle. “Ok, all of that might be true, but remember, honey, Willow is leaving in just a few weeks. She’s got to go back to school.”
“Yeah, but she’ll be back,” she says confidently.
“How do you know that?” I ask, wondering if maybe Willow and Jade have already discussed this.
“I just know.”
“Can’t argue with that logic, I guess.” I sigh, trying to figure out exactly how to explain this to her.
“Maybe if Willow comes back to Blue Haven when she’s done with college, we can revisit our…
crush. But for now, we’re going to stay friends so that neither of us gets too sad when Willow leaves. ”
“Oh.” She thinks about what I said for a minute and then says, “Ok.”
I try not to think about what’s going to happen after Willow graduates.
I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment if she doesn’t come back.
I had no idea how badly she wanted to leave.
As much as I’d like her to call Blue Haven home again, I’d hate for her to do it because of me.
I want her to choose it for herself. Even if it hurts us both in the process.
“Sorry, kid.”
“It’s ok.”
The truck goes silent as we both think about the conversation.
I didn’t mean to fall asleep with Willow on the couch last night.
I was pretty spent after everything we did, and then with her pressed up against me, I didn’t stand a chance.
We stayed like that until the power came back on and woke us up.
I kinda wished it had stayed off a little while longer so I could’ve had a few more undisturbed moments with her.
And when she looked at me with her sleepy eyes and messy hair, my first thought was how I wanted to keep her right where she was.
I wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to be mine.
But then I heard Jade’s door open and heard her run across the hall to the bathroom.
Willow and I scrambled off the couch and then awkwardly looked at each other, neither one of us sure what to say.
The rest of the morning went about the same. Jade carried most of the conversation at breakfast, and when Willow changed and went to leave, I truly thought she was going to leave without saying goodbye. So I pulled her close and kissed her forehead.
I’m glad I’m off work today. I need the distance from Willow, and I’m sure she needs it too. I’m sure I should admit to myself that last night was a mistake, but I don’t regret it. Not one bit. We both needed it.
I park the truck in town, and Jade and I head inside the grocery store.
We’ve got a day full of errands, starting with food shopping.
Luckily, Jade loves grocery shopping, probably because I always let her pick out a toy in the small kids section they have.
I always tell myself that I’m not going to spoil her and then end up doing it anyway.
Jade follows me around the store, but when we get to the toy aisle, she miraculously skips past it and runs straight for the boxes of cake and cupcake mixes.
“Daddy, we should make Willow cupcakes!”
“Why?” I ask, wondering if I’ve missed something important. I know her birthday isn’t until October.
“Because she loves cupcakes and I do too.”
I chuckle. Can’t argue with that logic, I suppose. “I don’t know, honey. I’m not much of a baker.”
She shrugs. “That’s ok. I can do it.”
“You can bake cupcakes?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“When have you ever baked cupcakes?” I ask.
“Never, but I can do it. Willow said I can do anything I put my mind to.”
I blow out a breath. My daughter makes it extremely hard for me to say no. “Alright. What flavor should we get?”
“Chocolate!”
Jade grabs a box of mix and then points to the frosting she wants. Of course, we also have to get sprinkles and some of the colored frosting so we can decorate these cupcakes.
It looks like my afternoon will be spent baking cupcakes with Jade instead of everything else I needed to get done, and you know what?
Maybe that’s exactly what I need. Sometimes having a kid can make me feel completely overwhelmed and like I can barely keep my head above water.
But other days, like today, she reminds me that life is short and I might as well spend it doing something I want to do. Or something she wants to do.
Jade and I finish up our errands in town and grab some lunch from a local deli before heading home. We eat our sandwiches quickly, and then Jade insists we get started on the cupcakes.
I’ve never baked anything in my life, so I make sure to read the instructions carefully.
Luckily, it seems easy enough. I grab a big bowl for Jade to mix everything in.
I don’t have an actual mixing bowl, so I hand her a big Tupperware bowl instead.
Miraculously, I have a cupcake pan. I have no idea when or why I got this, but I have a feeling my mom left it here at some point.
Once I’ve given Jade everything she needs, I lean back against the counter and watch.
She pours the oil and has me check her measurement.
She cracks the eggs and only manages to get a tiny piece of shell into the mix.
She doesn’t have me help stir, even when I know her arm is getting tired.
Then she scoops the mixture into the cupcake pan.
Some of the batter falls to the floor, but I’m not worried about it. We’ll clean up later.
She fills the pan up. I think each cup is supposed to have about the same amount of batter in it, but she doesn’t do it that way, and I don’t stop her. It looks like we may end up with some very large cupcakes and some very small ones.
I put the pan in the oven and set the timer while Jade runs to play with the pile of dolls she left in the living room this morning.
After I clean up her kitchen mess, I take a minute to go throw some laundry in.
When I get to my basket, I see the clothes I let Willow wear last night sitting on top.
They were way too big for her, but she made them look good.
For a split second, I think about not washing them and putting them in my drawer as a reminder of one of the best nights of my life.
But I shake the thought away quickly. All that would do is allow me to hang on to something that I shouldn’t.
I pick up the basket and take it to the laundry room, quickly throwing in my clothes before I can change my mind.
It’s insane how this can be the best and worst summer of my life all at the same time.
I love having Willow here. I love getting to know this new version of her.
I love watching her with Jade, and I love the relationship they’ve built.
But I hate wanting something I can’t have.
It makes me feel like I’m walking around with a weight on my shoulders.
Like I’m guilty of something even though before last night, I hadn’t technically done anything wrong.
I’m at war with myself, and it feels like my world is crumbling around me.
The timer on the oven beeps, pulling me out of my downward spiral.
I pull the cupcakes out, and Jade gasps. At first I think she’s going to be upset because these look like a bit of a mess. But she feels the exact opposite. “They’re perfect.”
I chuckle at her excitement. “I’m glad you’re satisfied with them. Ok, the box says they have to cool completely before we decorate them.”
“Ok, can we set up the slip and slide?” she asks.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. I hate that damn thing, but Jade loves it.
Harper thought it would be fun to get it for Jade for her last birthday.
It was a hit for her, but unfortunately she makes me do it with her and the uneven ground is very uncomfortable when you throw yourself down the plastic slide.
I’ve ended slip-and-slide days with bruises all across my torso.
But again, I can’t say no to my daughter. “Sure. Go get your bathing suit on.”
She squeals and runs off while I head to the garage to find the damn slip-and-slide.
The sun in late July is no joke, so after the initial shock of the cold water from the hose, it starts to feel good. Jade flings herself down the slide over and over again before she eventually forces me to do it too. I send Willow a video of Jade, and she responds with a string of heart emojis.
Eventually the heat starts to get the better of us, and we clean up before heading back to the cupcake station.
“They’re cool!” Jade exclaims after she stuck her entire finger inside one of the cupcakes.
“Why did you do that? Now there’s a hole in the middle!”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. Guess it’s mine now.”
“Yeah, no one else wants to eat a cupcake that you shoved your finger in, silly.”
She laughs but certainly isn’t bothered.
I don’t have one of those fancy frosting tools, so we keep it simple with a butter knife. I attempt to make mine look nice, but Jade’s look like she just plopped some frosting right on top. I question her about it, but she said that’s how she wants them, so I let it be.
“How should we decorate them?” I ask her once they’re all frosted.
“Sprinkles! Lots and lots of sprinkles.” Yeah, I knew that would be coming. “And you should do a heart with the red frosting and then give it to Willow!”
“You think Willow wants a heart cupcake from me?” I ask. Truly, I’m excited by the prospect that Jade is ok with me potentially having a woman in my life. I’ve always been worried that she wouldn’t want to share my attention. Too bad for us that the woman we both like is leaving.
“I think Willow would love a heart cupcake from you, Daddy,” she says.
I don’t know if I agree, especially with how I’ve been playing with both of our feelings recently, but that doesn’t stop me from squeezing a heart shape onto one of my cupcakes and hoping that Willow likes it.