Chapter Thirteen Damien
Iwatched Kelsie disappear into the bathroom while I lay on the bed, feeling utterly destroyed. I could still feel the warmth of her body pressed against me, still smell sex in the air.
Because I’d been inside her just moments ago, connected in a way that felt meaningful. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before, even the first time we slept together. I wasn’t thinking about friendship or the past or the future. I was in the moment, and I never wanted to leave.
Something shifted inside me, like I was reaching for something I’d never known I desperately needed. Then, she walked away.
Just what I needed to release some tension.
When those words left her mouth, they felt like a knife sliding under my ribs. The worst part was that I wondered if that was how she felt when I called our first night together a mistake.
The shower started running again, and I imagined her stepping under the spray to scrub me off her body. When I walked into this room just a half hour ago and heard her moaning my name, it set off something primal inside of me. I had to hear more of it, to own her pleasure.
Now, I felt empty.
She wanted me to go; that much was clear from what she said and what she didn’t say. Every part of me protested the idea of leaving this room, but I was starting to realize that I’d seriously fucked up with Kelsie and sticking around here didn’t seem like the way to make things right.
I had no idea what I could do to fix things between us, but I knew that I wouldn’t start off by lingering where I wasn’t wanted. Getting out of bed, I made quick work of pulling on my clothes.
Walking out of the room was harder than it’d ever been, but I made my feet move until I was in my own room. Closing the door firmly behind me, I let out a long breath, like I was forcing the tension out of my body.
It didn’t work.
I didn’t know what to do with myself as my mind replayed what just happened with Kelsie, the highs and lows of it. Kelsie was so warm and vital in my arms, followed by her cold indifference and the lurch in my gut as she pulled away from me.
I hated this, and the worst part was that I knew I’d brought us to this point.
Checking the time, I saw that I still had about an hour before we were all supposed to meet on the beach to rehearse the ceremony, followed by dinner. With nothing to do but sit around and worry about what was going on with Kelsie, I decided to get ready now and head to the beach early.
By the time I finished my shower and got dressed, the sun was low in the sky, but we still had enough daylight left for the rehearsal, and the dinner was supposed to take place on the resort’s terrace.
The thought of the conversation Kelsie and I had there earlier today added to my growing sense of unease.
Everything seemed to be spiraling out of control, and I was stuck between the fear of screwing up my relationship with Kelsie and the desire to hold her close and never let go.
I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a cliff.
Stepping back onto safe ground made sense.
It was comfortable and solid. It was the easy call.
Stepping off the edge into the abyss would result in a dangerous freefall. But what a hell of a ride that would be, maybe the most exciting and satisfying of my life.
When I reached the beach, I saw that the arch and chairs were already in sand, ready for tomorrow.
This section of the beach was owned by the resort, and they already had the area roped off so the rest of the people staying here wouldn’t disturb anything.
It was a simple setup, but not much was going to be necessary to make this wedding feel special.
I could appreciate the beauty and magic of this island. The setting, the alcohol, the feelings I was starting to think had been building between us all along—maybe it was inevitable that one night it all converged into something Kelsie and I couldn’t resist.
At first, I thought I was the first one here for the rehearsal, but after a quick glance around, I spotted Ryan sitting on the beach by himself in one of the lounge chairs we got from the resort yesterday. He was looking out at the water with an expression of utter peace on his face.
I almost talked myself out of joining him, not wanting to disturb the groom if he was stealing a few minutes for reflection before his big day. But he must have sensed my eyes on him because he suddenly turned his head in my direction.
Ryan waved me over, and I took a seat in the empty chair beside him.
The beach wasn’t as full as it was earlier in the day, but there were still plenty of people walking around.
My gaze caught on two people standing near the water, a man and woman.
I watched as she laughed at something the man beside her said, slapping his arm playfully.
I wondered if they were a couple or just friends.
Apparently, I couldn’t tell the difference based on how people acted.
“What are you doing out here all by yourself?” I asked, turning to Ryan.
He was leaning back in the chair with his legs crossed at the ankle in the sand in front of him. A man truly at ease. I envied him.
“Just waiting for the rehearsal to start. Leanne is with her mom. The flowers finally came in, and they’re checking to make sure everything we need for the ceremony and reception is here.
I hope so, for the florist’s sake. Cathy is already mad about the late delivery, and I wouldn’t want to be the one to piss off this mother of the bride. ”
Despite his words, his voice was full of affection.
“Shouldn’t you be helping with the flowers?” I asked.
Ryan chuckled. “You think I know anything about flowers? Leanne insisted that I let her and Cathy handle it, said I’d just get in the way.”
“Good to see you’re marrying a woman that knows you so well.”
Ryan punched me in the shoulder. “I’m marrying the perfect woman.”
“You sound like a lovesick fool.” But God, I was jealous. “So, I guess you’re not having any last-minute cold feet?”
“Nope. I got over my fear of commitment a long time ago. Meeting Leanne changed me, man. For the better.”
“I’m happy for you.” I meant that, but I couldn’t help wondering how he could be so sure about all of this. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
I bit my lip, hesitating. I didn’t want to offend Ryan, but it just occurred to me that he might have the happiest, healthiest relationship that I knew of. If anyone could help me sort through my own twisted thoughts and feelings, it was probably him.
“Are you ever worried about how your relationship with Leanne might change over time?”
Ryan frowned slightly, but he didn’t look upset by the question. “What do you mean?”
I sighed, my gaze shifting back to the couple on the beach as I dragged a hand through my hair. They were hugging now, and maybe that should’ve made their relationship clearer, but it didn’t. Friends hugged sometimes, right? I hugged Kelsie all the time.
But I didn’t really do that with my other friends, did I?
“Damien, what’s going on in your head? You look like you’re trying to figure out the meaning of life.”
That sounded about right.
“You know that my parents are divorced,” I said.
I pulled my eyes away from the strangers, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to look at Ryan at the moment.
Instead, I focused on the constant movement of the water.
“Well, you know how some people with kids get divorced but stay friendly enough to co-parent for the sake of the kids? That’s not what happened with my parents. ”
“They don’t get along?”
My chuckle was humorless. “That’s an understatement.
They hate each other. Honestly, I don’t know how they ever got married in the first place.
My earliest memories are of the two of them fighting.
Hurling insults at each other and yelling so loudly that the neighbors called the cops more than once. ”
“Shit, man.” Ryan’s voice was rough. “Did they hurt each other?”
“Not physically. But let’s just say that they were toxic together. I was seven years old when they split up, and maybe it should have been a relief. They weren’t living under the same roof, so you’d think I wouldn’t have to deal with the anger anymore, right?”
Ryan didn’t say anything. I glanced his way, and he was watching me with a grim expression.
“But they still had to interact because of me, and let’s just say that it was a complete shitshow,” I continued. “So, my entire life, I’ve seen the way that a relationship can go bad, the poison that can affect the lives of everyone involved. And I just… I don’t know. I’ve never wanted that.”
“That doesn’t always happen. I think it’s fair to say that your parents weren’t meant to be together.”
The sound that escaped me was a broken cross between a scoff and a laugh. “No kidding. And with that stellar example they set for me, it’s no wonder that I’ve never had much luck in relationships.”
“You mean Amy?”
Amy was the last girl I dated, and it was a while ago. We were together for about a year, and I was even with her when I first met and became friends with Kelsie. I thought we were solid, that we had a good connection, but it turned out that I was wrong about that.
“It’s not your fault that things crashed and burned with her,” Ryan said. “She cheated on you, and that says a hell of a lot more about her than it does about you.”
“What it tells me is that relationships are difficult. Things go bad, and people end up hating each other. It happened with my parents. It happened between me and Amy. It’s just not worth it.”
“It doesn’t always turn out that way.”
I felt a flash of guilt for talking like this the night before Ryan’s wedding, but I needed to get this off my chest. There was an urgency building inside me, telling me that if I didn’t figure out my shit soon, I’d lose Kelsie for good.
“It’s a risk,” I insisted. “Being with someone like that changes things between you so that if it doesn’t work out, you lose them forever.”
“Only if it’s not the right person for you.
” Ryan’s voice was so sure, so full of confidence.
“Relationships don’t have to end badly or at all.
And they don’t have to be hard. If it’s right, it feels good.
Leanne is my person. My best friend. I have no doubts about the future because she’s it for me, no doubt about it. ”
Best friend.
He wanted to spend the rest of his life with Leanne because she was his best friend. I thought of Kelsie and the bone-deep fear I felt at the thought of ever losing her. That was why I clung to our friendship so fiercely.
“I… Fuck, I’m a mess.” I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees and buried my head in my hands.
“I think I gave up on relationships a long time ago, even before Amy. Yeah, she cheated, but what I never told you was when I confronted her about it, she blamed me. She said I was emotionally distant, that I always held part of myself back from her.”
“And you think that’s true?”
I shrugged, then nodded. “Maybe. I don’t know. I thought we were fine until I found out about the other man.”
“Fine,” he repeated the word, and it felt heavier. “That’s not great. That’s not happiness.”
“It’s not messy either,” I said, thinking about hearing my mom screaming at my dad while I hid away in my bedroom, clutching a stuffed bear to my chest and wondering why they couldn’t just get along.
I couldn’t remember how young I was, but I remembered thinking that I never wanted to be like them.
Never wanted to be so miserable with someone.
“Love can be messy, but in a good way. You can find home in a person you love.” Ryan paused for a moment, as if he was considering his words carefully. “Are you and Kelsie having problems?”
I snapped my head up, meeting his eyes. “Why do you ask that?”
“Come on, Damien. Everyone can see that she’s crazy about you.” Ryan chuckled. “Well, everyone but you can see it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It wasn’t my place to say anything if she wasn’t ready. Besides, I thought you’d figure it out eventually, along with how you feel about her.”
How did I feel about her?
Days ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say she was my friend, and nothing more.
But that wasn’t a bad thing in my eyes. I could count on a friend.
A friend wouldn’t cheat on me like Amy did or grow to resent me the way that my parents resented each other.
A friend was someone who I could depend on without having to be perfect, someone that didn’t make demands and allowed me to be myself.
But now, I knew that what we had was more than friendship. Kelsie was right. We were closer than friends all along, even if we’d never gotten physical before now.
She was the person I cared about more than anyone in the world, the one who made me feel protective and happy and worried.
She was the person I texted when I was bored because she was always entertaining.
She was my hiking buddy and the one I watched scary movies with.
Her laugh never failed to bring a smile to my face.
I would do anything for her.
Except open my damn eyes and see what was right in front of me.
What the hell was wrong with me? How could I have thought that we were just platonic friends for the past two years?
Kelsie was mine all along, and I’d wasted so much time.
“I ruined this,” I said in a weak voice, my heart sinking. “She told me she’s no longer infatuated with me. She’s happy to just stay friends.”
Ryan didn’t have anything to say to that. His hand landed on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze that was probably meant to be comforting. I just wanted to throw up.
What the fuck have I done?