Chapter 13
BODHI
I rubbed the back of my neck, my chest aching, but I knew it was time.
At one point I would come up here every day.
Bandages on my arms, my sides, meds blissfully making it hard to think, and I would sit on the ground, the wet grass seeping into my jeans, and I had breathed.
Though in the end breathing wasn’t truly easy.
I wasn’t sure it could ever be. Now I stood between the three markers, wind blowing through my hair, the sun shining on my face, and I tilted my chin up slightly, and closed my eyes.
If I thought about it, I could imagine the breeze being fingers, gently running along my jawline.
Though that wasn’t the case. They weren’t here.
They had been gone for eons now. At least that’s what it felt like.
I knelt and began to weed around the largest grave marker, knowing I had to get my kit soon to scrub it and make sure that it could brave the elements.
A Colorado winter in the high mountains wasn’t easy on stone.
But Courtney deserved to be remembered, as did my babies.
I let out a deep breath before running my fingers along the top of the stone.
“I’m sorry it’s been a week. And I figured you and the kids could feel me around the property just as you do here. I miss your hunting if you were gone.” My lips twitched at that thought, knowing my wife would’ve rolled her eyes at that thought.
“I’m not moving on. Because moving on would mean leaving you behind.
And I don’t think that’s quite it. I don’t think it could be it.
I’ll never forgive that man for taking you away from me.
For the others believing I could do so. But I hope that you’re at peace wherever you are.
” I swallowed the lump in my throat, angry once again that these emotions just wouldn’t go away.
How hard was it to be the strong one when in this moment, everything that I had once loved was gone, nearly forgotten by so many.
“I’m working on a bassinet for one of the locals.
You used to babysit her, if you remember at all.
Braylin is now old enough to be a mother.
And her mother was friends with your family.
And so I am now making a bassinet for a child that’s not mine.
A wooden cradle or whatever the hell you wanted to call it. But it was enough.
I’m never going to be able to fill another one of those.
To build one with my own hands for our children, and I’m so pissed off.
The one that I made our babies is gone and burned and turned to ash.
How the hell am I supposed to keep the memories alive when you’re not here?
How the hell am I supposed to remember every moment that we’ve lost when a fire took all of the connections to you and the kids? I hate it so fucking much.”
I winced and looked down at the two tiny headstones.
One for Henry, the other for Josie. Before the moment that had darkened my life forever, I hadn’t even realized there were coffins that small.
All that had been good in my life had been buried beneath my feet, and they were gone.
They weren’t here. They weren’t listening.
I didn’t know what existed beyond this life, but if there was a higher power, I don’t believe that they would force my children to remain here and watch me grow old while they didn’t.
And part of me couldn’t help but resent the fact that I had still been in the hospital when those impossibly small coffins had been built. That my hands had been bandaged and I hadn’t been able to build them myself.
Part of me hated the idea that my children lay beneath the earth in something not created by my own hands, and it was one more thing that I would forever blame on the man who had taken them from me. I would blame myself for not being strong enough or fast enough to save them.
I wiped away tears, knowing that there was no way for me to stop them anymore.
“I know you’ve never been to the new house.
But I’m sure you know that I’ve had a visitor.
” I cleared my throat, feeling awkward as hell as an aching sensation slid through my gut.
I did not regret what Kiera and I had done.
To do so would be cruel. And while I was an asshole, I wasn’t that much of an asshole.
“Kiera is the drummer in Wilder. I know you loved that band, and not just because of my brother. She took Malcolm’s place.
” I ran my hand over my chest. “Honestly, I think you’d like her.
Which makes me sound like a cruel asshole, but I loved you, Courtney.
I loved you with everything that I had, and then I found even more within me so I could love those babies.
It only makes sense that the woman that I would finally give into and want like I do would be someone you would approve of.
At least I hope so. A woman that would love you.
So I think you two would get along. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, Court.
Because you’re not coming back. I know that.
And I think you do too. I don’t like the phrase moving on because even though I’m not the same man I was before, I can’t forget you or the kids. That would be cruel to all of us.
So here I am, wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do. But I love you. And I really like Kiera, Courtney. And that scares me. And I know you’re laughing up there.”
I let out a breath, my lips closing into a smile. The breeze shifted, blowing through my hair again, and I swore it was Courtney laughing right along with me.
“I don’t know if I could love her. I don’t know if I’m allowed to.
She’s not staying, Courtney. I need to treat her better.
I did my best to treat you well, didn’t I?
We were good. We were damn good. Until we weren’t anything.
If you could send me a sign of what the hell I’m supposed to do when it comes to Kiera, that would be helpful.
A little selfish of me. But if you ask anyone in town, I’m a selfish asshole. ”
There was no answer, and I knew there wouldn’t be.
The sound of boots on crisp grass startled me, and I turned, and my fist clenched as Thatcher moved forward, a bouquet in his hands. He froze, his eyes wide as I stood up and wiped the dirt from my knees.
“I didn’t know you’d be here,” the other man said, his voice rough. He had dark circles under his eyes, and I knew he was coming off a long shift. There had been a fire in the canyon, two towns over, and he had been pulled in along with his team.
They had gotten it out before it had come anywhere close to any residences, or before it had shifted toward Ashford Creek, and I was grateful. But he had to be exhausted.
“It’s her birthday,” Thatcher said after a moment.
I nodded and gestured toward the back edge of the graveyard, knowing where Thatcher would be. He had a complicated relationship with the woman who lay under that gravestone, but I wasn’t one to judge. Not when I knew Thatcher had given up everything more than once.
He opened his mouth to say something, and I hoped to hell it wasn’t that he was sorry.
Because I couldn’t forgive him for not saving my family.
Because having to forgive him would mean that he would’ve carried any guilt.
It wasn’t his fault. It was more my fault than anyone else’s.
Other than the man who had killed them. But every time I told Thatcher that he didn’t believe me.
And then we would end up fighting. I knew it would just make things worse.
So I didn’t say a damn thing as Thatcher’s kids came behind him, all dressed in their Sunday best, looking slightly shell-shocked.
Wesley came up to me quickly and wrapped his arms around my waist. I patted his back and squeezed his shoulder. “Hey there.”
“Hi, are you visiting Josie and Henry?” he asked, and I swallowed hard, throat tight.
Thatcher looked like he wanted to answer, but I shook my head. “I am.
“Well tell him hi from me and that I miss him. I’m going to go see Mom, okay?” the kid asked Thatcher before running over to the back corner to say goodbye to his mom.
I shook my head confused as all hell. But kids were stronger than adults in most cases.
Lucas, Thatcher’s eldest son, gave me a chin nod before going after his brother, leaving Thatcher standing there next to his daughter.
Olivia was fifteen now, and honestly she looked like Thatcher more than her mother.
At least that’s what I thought. I assumed others would think the opposite.
In that moment I wondered what Josie would look like if she had ever reached Olivia’s age, but that wasn’t helpful for anyone.
Instead, I cleared my throat. “Good morning.”
“Good morning, Mr. Bodhi.”
“You don’t have to add mister.,” I said dryly.
“She does if she’s grounded and trying to learn respect,” Thatcher said slowly.
Olivia rolled her eyes and lifted her chin.
“I am respectful for those who deserve it, and Mr. Bodhi deserves it.” With that she stomped toward her siblings before pausing at my family.
She leaned down and left a single flower on Josie’s grave before letting out a little sigh and heading toward the back end of the graveyard.
Thatcher let out a breath and rubbed his chest. “That girl.”
“She’s a good kid, Thatcher.”
“Thanks. Seriously.”
There was so much left unsaid between us, and now wasn’t the time.
So instead, I gathered my things and tilted my lips as a goodbye.
Thatcher met my gaze for a moment before going to his children and the gray stone of a woman that had broken that family more than once.
We all carried burdens, some darker than others, and sometimes I forgot that in the midst of my own grief.
I jumped into my truck and made my way down the rocky path toward my property.
I parked in front of my house again, and instead of going inside like I would normally, either wanting to go for a bottle of something brown, or even to my art studio to go beat something up with an axe, I headed to the cabin.
Kiera answered after the first knock and smiled at me. And in that instant, the weight on my shoulders dropped. Not fully, and they never would, but enough. I didn’t want to think about what that meant.
“There’s sadness in your gaze,” Kiera said softly.
“I went to visit my family.”
I didn’t elaborate, but I knew she understood which family I was talking about because her eyes widened. She reached out and gripped my hand, “I’m sorry.”
“Nothing you can do about it.” Her hand dropped and I nearly cursed.
“I realized I’ve never taken you out.”
Her eyes widened. “Oh. Well. That’s fine.”
I shook my head. “Let’s go to dinner. What do you say? I owe my brother dinner at his new place since I’ve never eaten there. And I might as well figure that out. And you deserve time away from this cabin. Don’t you think?”
She stared at me then, looking as confused as I felt, before a smile spread over her face. Her eyes brightened, and it was like a kick to the gut. I didn’t know what I felt about Kiera, but it was something that I couldn’t name. And perhaps something I should worry about sooner than later.
“I’d really like that. If you’re sure.”
“The town’s going to talk. They’re going to stare. But they do that for me no matter what.”
“And they never stare at me because I’m not an oddity at all when it comes to Ashford Creek.”
I grinned then and reached out to brush her hair back from her face. She leaned her face into my palm, and I licked my lips.
“As long as you’re fine with the stares, I am too.”
“The world already knows that I’m here. There might be cameras that want more.”
“Nothing I can do about them.”
“I think I need to put on something other than jean shorts with holes in them for a place like The Range, do you mind if I change?”
“Take your time. I need to call my brother to get a table at the restaurant.”
Her eyes widened. “You are going to use the brother card in order to get a reservation?”
“Fuck yes. I do the same thing for when I want to go see Atlas down in Denver. It’s what I do.”
She shook her head. “Even though he’s not technically your brother.”
“His sister is dating my brother, it counts.”
“I like your convoluted way of thinking,” she teased. She leaned forward, put her hand on my chest, and lifted to her toes. She was still too short for what she wanted, so I bent my head down and captured her lips.
She tasted of coffee and everything Kiera, and I let the kiss go on probably a little longer than it should, but both of us were left panting.
“It’s a date?” she asked.
“It’s a date.”
And with that I watched her walk back to the small bedroom to change, and I pulled out my phone, wondering if I knew what I was doing.
Courtney hadn’t answered me. I didn’t have a plan. But I knew it was time for me to start taking steps into the light. Into life itself.
Kiera would be leaving soon, I knew it. But before she did, I was going to learn to live. I’d owed it to the family beneath those stones, and to the woman who wouldn’t leave my mind.